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Goveller’s Travels

Aug 26th

The author’s liberty is obtained.

My petitions for emancipation were opposed by deputy-emperor Boris who was pleased to be my mortal enemy after he heard of my quipping at a COBRA that he should be called Peter Pandemic, because he never shows up.
But upon my tackling a mutant algorithm that got loose in the metropolis from Gavin Williamson’s X-Men bumbag, it was offered on the following terms:

“Dominic Presumptuous Counter Culture Skidmark Cummings, most mighty Emperor of Lilliput, life-coach to the universe, whose
dominions extend five thousand blustrugs (twelve miles); super-forecaster sublime, pissruptor of pissruptors; at whose nod the Tory serfs shake their knees: proposes to the man-mountain Govey aka The Govester, lately arrived at our celestial dominions, the following:
1st, He shall not depart these sunlit uplands without permission.

2d, He shall stop interrupting the deputy-emperor’s IT lessons.

3d, He shall stop ranting about Star Trek, specifically the continuity errors in Deep Space 9, the efficiency savings that could have been made
by axing the holodeck in The Next Generation and the need for exams rather than continuous assessment at Star Fleet. He may continue to venerate the good sense shown in TNG S7:EP26, by Lieutenant Commander Geordi La Forge when he took the USS Enterprise to Pluto for an eye test.
4th, He shall not repeat the tragedy of last Wednesday when he absently trampled on a village full of my subjects whilst taking a call from his Mrs about the renovations.

5th, He shall stop putting her on speaker phone.

6th, He shall stop whistling the tune from Crossroads.
Lastly, he shall be our ally in Lilliprexit, and aid us in eviscerating the vestiges of good-will we have with our neighbours.

Given at our palace at Belfaborac, the twelfth day of the ninety-first moon of our reign.”

I subscribed to these articles with great cheerfulness
whereupon his majesty took a fancy of diverting himself, desiring I stand like a Colossus, my legs as far asunder as I conveniently could and marched his troops under me with drums beating, colours flying, and pikes advanced with orders, upon pain of death, that every man observe
the strictest decency with regard my person; which did not prevent them, and with my M&S breeches so ill a condition, afforded much laughter, admiration and shouting of ‘Wahey Govey! Is that a mutant algorithm in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see us?’

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Michael Govern Ready
@mikegove12
Goveller’s Travels

Aug 27th

The affairs of Lilliput described.

After I had obtained my liberty a spite named Patel came to me. I lay down that she might the more conveniently reach my ear, but too quickly, it causing the kingdom to shake at an eight on the prickter scale.

1/7 Image
Said she “Govey, as flourishing a condition as we may appear to be in, we labour under a mighty evil and most potent enemy: foreigners”, and unfolded the threat. Tiny dinghies fleeing poverty and war, full of trouble making men, irrelevant women, and children, at least
half of whom were in danger of one day becoming men, were daily making shore to ask for help. As at home this was rightly denied, and they were instead offered temporary imprisonment and the chance to be sought out in hotels and humiliated by the nation’s leading wankers;
Read 11 tweets
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Michael Govern Ready
@mikegove12
Goveller’s Travels

August 26th

The diversions of the court of Lilliput described.

My good behaviour had gained so far that I began to conceive hopes of getting my liberty and I took all possible methods to cultivate this favourable disposition with the natives. I would

1/6
sometimes let five or six of them be racist on my hand; or venture to let them play spot a scrounger from the vantage of my hair. And when these Lilliputian porkflakes got upset about a program change at a flag-waving pantomime none of them went to, I consoled them. This
Last Night of The Proms, a hamboree completely at odds with the seventy concerts preceding it, had the lyrics of two of its numbers dropped; the first, a nuanced caper about Lilliputians ruling the waves with an invisible ferry fleet, and second, an unrecognisable Land of Hope
Read 8 tweets
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Michael Govern Ready
@mikegove12
GOVELLER’S TRAVELS

Aug 24th

The author learns about Lilliprexit. He gains favour by his mild disposition.

I must confess I never beheld a more entertaining prospect. The miniature country, apart from the gridlocked lorries, pyres of dead livestock, boarded-up shops,

1/6
closed public buildings, rioting citizens and ruthless troops quashing them, appeared like a continued garden. The deputy-emperor alighted from his mini-bar, the ‘Yurt Locker’ as his aides said, and surveyed me at beyond the length of my chain lest I stab him in the back.
No-deal had ground Lilliput to a halt and they had no medicine to treat an outbreak of Breximatosis nor enough workers willing to bring in the Monster Munch harvest, but still Boris ordered Eddie Stobart containers pushed to me, there being no fuel, of Arbroath Smokies,
Read 9 tweets

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