So I finally got around to reading "Romance of the Three Kingdoms."
If you haven't read it, let me tell you that you are missing out on some of the most certifiably insane characters and scenes of all time.
Where to even begin with this book...?
If you haven't read it, let me tell you that you are missing out on some of the most certifiably insane characters and scenes of all time.
Where to even begin with this book...?
So we're in the Han Dynasty (very roughly a contemporary of the Roman Empire) and It Is a Time of Unrest.
Evil eunuchs control the imperial court.
Bandit armies kill and plunder at will.
Noblemen are getting assassinated *on the very same page they're introduced.*
Evil eunuchs control the imperial court.
Bandit armies kill and plunder at will.
Noblemen are getting assassinated *on the very same page they're introduced.*
And so, three heroes unite:
- Zhang Fei, an absolute madman who wants to fight you and your entire family at all times
- Liu Bei, the guy you want as CEO
- Guan Yu, genius military tactician and Sun Tzu fanboi
They seal their pact by sacrificing a cow in a peach garden.
- Zhang Fei, an absolute madman who wants to fight you and your entire family at all times
- Liu Bei, the guy you want as CEO
- Guan Yu, genius military tactician and Sun Tzu fanboi
They seal their pact by sacrificing a cow in a peach garden.
The story kicks off with their campaign against the Yellow Turban Bandits, which happens at such breakneck speed the Peach Garden Oath Bois seem to be teleporting between battles.
The slaughter of thousands of bandits brings us to the end of CHAPTER EFFING ONE.
The slaughter of thousands of bandits brings us to the end of CHAPTER EFFING ONE.
The destruction of the Yellow Turbans was just an appetizer. Now for the first main course:
A warlord named Dong Zhuo kills all his enemies in the capital and seizes the imperial throne.
Thus begins an era of peace...
...and by "peace" I mean "extremely constant murder."
A warlord named Dong Zhuo kills all his enemies in the capital and seizes the imperial throne.
Thus begins an era of peace...
...and by "peace" I mean "extremely constant murder."
For a few pages, about 10 different people try to assassinate the evil emperor, only to be caught and executed in a variety of psychopathic ways.
One would-be assassin, Cao Cao, manages to escape execution and ride back to his home village, where he settles down peacefully...
One would-be assassin, Cao Cao, manages to escape execution and ride back to his home village, where he settles down peacefully...
...and by "settles down peacefully" I mean "murders an entire innfull of peasants when he mistakes their dinner prep for an assassination attempt."
And when his friend is like, "Maybe that was a little much...?" his response is, "Yeah, my bad I guess. What can ya do?"
OUR HERO!
And when his friend is like, "Maybe that was a little much...?" his response is, "Yeah, my bad I guess. What can ya do?"
OUR HERO!
At the capital, Dong Zhuo's friend suggests they move to Chang'an, so the emperor FORCE-MARCHES THE CITY'S ENTIRE POPULATION THERE.
When a courtier points out there's no palace at Chang'an, Dong Zhuo is like "LOL WE'LL JUST BUILD ONE ITS EASY" then executes the guy who spoke up.
When a courtier points out there's no palace at Chang'an, Dong Zhuo is like "LOL WE'LL JUST BUILD ONE ITS EASY" then executes the guy who spoke up.
When a warlord named Yuan Shao unites 18 of his fellow mob bosses' armies to battle the psychotic emperor, Dong Zhuo decides it's time to arm up.
Among 100,000s of other warriors, Dong Zhuo recruits Lü Bu — basically an evil version of Zhang Fei, with twice the fashion sense.
Among 100,000s of other warriors, Dong Zhuo recruits Lü Bu — basically an evil version of Zhang Fei, with twice the fashion sense.
We're now dealing with more characters than the entire LoTR trilogy combined, and it's only chapter 5.
But not to worry — 99% of them will soon be dead...
...as Lü Bu gets down to the business of slicing up heroes like lunchmeat, before trying on many more FABULOUS OUTFITS!!!
But not to worry — 99% of them will soon be dead...
...as Lü Bu gets down to the business of slicing up heroes like lunchmeat, before trying on many more FABULOUS OUTFITS!!!
Meanwhile, back in hill country, the Peach Garden Oath Bois are having a rough time.
Corrupt agents of the IRS (Imperial Revenue Service) try to extort them by demanding gold bribes.
Liu Bei and Guan Yu want to play it cool...
...but ZHANG FEI IS VERY MUCH DONE WITH THIS.
Corrupt agents of the IRS (Imperial Revenue Service) try to extort them by demanding gold bribes.
Liu Bei and Guan Yu want to play it cool...
...but ZHANG FEI IS VERY MUCH DONE WITH THIS.
Before you can say "Zhang Fei is off his meds again..."
...Zhang Fei knocks a taxman off his horse, ties him to a post in the town square, and WHIPS HIM LIKE CAKE BATTER while screaming in his face like "You think this is a GAME?!?"
I mean what even is Zhang Fei
...Zhang Fei knocks a taxman off his horse, ties him to a post in the town square, and WHIPS HIM LIKE CAKE BATTER while screaming in his face like "You think this is a GAME?!?"
I mean what even is Zhang Fei
OK, brief backtrack to share a TRULY bizarre story from ch.1.
The Peach Garden Oath Bois (feat. Cao Cao) charge into battle against Yellow Turban leader Zhang Bao...
...who it turns out is a POWERFUL SORCERER with clouds of black mist and warrior ghosts that attack our heroes!
The Peach Garden Oath Bois (feat. Cao Cao) charge into battle against Yellow Turban leader Zhang Bao...
...who it turns out is a POWERFUL SORCERER with clouds of black mist and warrior ghosts that attack our heroes!
Aww yeeeuh, MAGIC IS REAL in this universe!
And Liu Bei knows just how to deal with it:
"Kill a pig, a goat, and a dog," he tells his men. "Then mix up some pails of their blood, entrails and excrement."
He sniffs a pail and gags. "Tomorrow we're gonna throw this on 'em, LOL!"
And Liu Bei knows just how to deal with it:
"Kill a pig, a goat, and a dog," he tells his men. "Then mix up some pails of their blood, entrails and excrement."
He sniffs a pail and gags. "Tomorrow we're gonna throw this on 'em, LOL!"
Next morning, Zhang Bao rolls up in his wizard robe and starts casting Spooky Weather.
But the men are ready up above—
— and on Liu Bei's signal they dump their pails —
— AND IT WORKS!
You can't cast spells when you're covered in goat shit! Apparently! Is a thing we know now!
But the men are ready up above—
— and on Liu Bei's signal they dump their pails —
— AND IT WORKS!
You can't cast spells when you're covered in goat shit! Apparently! Is a thing we know now!
Oh, and — this'll be important in a bit — back before Fake Emperor Dong Zhuo took the throne, the contenders were the previous emperor's two same-aged sons:
1) Bian, son of Empress He
2) Xie, son of #1 concubine Beauty Wang
And the emperor had to choose between them! Hmm...
1) Bian, son of Empress He
2) Xie, son of #1 concubine Beauty Wang
And the emperor had to choose between them! Hmm...
Except he didn't, because the shadow cabal of the Ten Eunuchs favored Prince Xie — a perfect puppet ruler: obedient and not too bright.
Prince Bian, meanwhile, was backed by his uncle He Jin, who came to the palace with one goal: to put all Ten Eunuchs six feet underground.
Prince Bian, meanwhile, was backed by his uncle He Jin, who came to the palace with one goal: to put all Ten Eunuchs six feet underground.
While the Peach Bois battled the Yellow Scarves, He Jin was cliquing up with Cao Cao (who still lived at the palace then) and guy named Yuan Shao.
"Give me 5,000 men," Shao said, "and I'll kill all Ten Eunuchs right now, TONIGHT."
"All right then. Do it," He Jin said.
"Give me 5,000 men," Shao said, "and I'll kill all Ten Eunuchs right now, TONIGHT."
"All right then. Do it," He Jin said.
It went badly.
Long story short... the eunuchs took revenge by informing palace guards that He Jin poisoned the empress.
But at the very moment the guards hacked He Jin to pieces, Yuan Shao and Cao Cao were decapitating and disemboweling the eunuchs!
The Purge was on.
Long story short... the eunuchs took revenge by informing palace guards that He Jin poisoned the empress.
But at the very moment the guards hacked He Jin to pieces, Yuan Shao and Cao Cao were decapitating and disemboweling the eunuchs!
The Purge was on.
Dawn broke on a palace dripping with blood, charred by flame, and devoid of life.
Princes Xie and Bian had both managed to escape, as did the empress.
That left a whole city of regular folks ripe for plunder by a warlord known as Dong Zhao — who decided to stay on as emperor.
Princes Xie and Bian had both managed to escape, as did the empress.
That left a whole city of regular folks ripe for plunder by a warlord known as Dong Zhao — who decided to stay on as emperor.
The Peach Garden Oath Bois are starting to notice a suspicious pattern:
Everyplace Cao Cao goes, conspiracies and bloodbaths soon follow.
But Cao Cao always rides away at the last minute...
...only to repeat the process elsewhere — never as leader; always just as "advisor."
Everyplace Cao Cao goes, conspiracies and bloodbaths soon follow.
But Cao Cao always rides away at the last minute...
...only to repeat the process elsewhere — never as leader; always just as "advisor."
Who urged the palace conspirators to kill the Ten Eunuchs?
Who tried to kill Fake Emperor Dong Zhuo?
Who organized Yang Shao's 18 armies and started the current war?
Who constantly "advises" actions that prevent stable transitions of power?
a) Cao Cao
b) a
c) both a and b
Who tried to kill Fake Emperor Dong Zhuo?
Who organized Yang Shao's 18 armies and started the current war?
Who constantly "advises" actions that prevent stable transitions of power?
a) Cao Cao
b) a
c) both a and b
Zhang Fei screams "BASTARD WITH 3 FATHERS! LET ME KILL HIM!" (pretty sure he actually says this)
But Gong Yu goes, "Ehh, our enemies are busy killing each other. Let's leave them to it #SunTzu4Eva"
Liu Bei agrees, also noting that the Peach Bois' local following is on the rise.
But Gong Yu goes, "Ehh, our enemies are busy killing each other. Let's leave them to it #SunTzu4Eva"
Liu Bei agrees, also noting that the Peach Bois' local following is on the rise.
See, this whole time Fake Emperor Dong Zhuo has been battling Yang Shao's 18 armies, and Lü Bu has been hacking up horsemen while back-ordering the whole Versace catalog...
...the Peach Bois have been quietly subduing petty tyrants, recruiting local allies, and acquiring land.
...the Peach Bois have been quietly subduing petty tyrants, recruiting local allies, and acquiring land.
(BTW, just realized I referred to Yuan Shao as "Yang Shao" a few tweets ago. Sorry! Shocking spoiler: he'll be dead soon.)
So. While the Peach Garden Bois consolidate their alliances and lands...
...Fake Emperor Dong Zhuo keeps losing hella battles to *YUAN* Shao's 18 armies.
So. While the Peach Garden Bois consolidate their alliances and lands...
...Fake Emperor Dong Zhuo keeps losing hella battles to *YUAN* Shao's 18 armies.
Following Cao Cao's "advice," Yuan Shao's armies pin down the Fake Emperor in his capital of Chang'an...
(where, remember, he force-marched his whole population even though the city had weak fortifications & no palace)
...and that's where Dong Zhuo goes full-on "Bunker Boy."
(where, remember, he force-marched his whole population even though the city had weak fortifications & no palace)
...and that's where Dong Zhuo goes full-on "Bunker Boy."
Of course, the Fake Emperor blames everyone but himself.
Screaming fights. Rampant paranoia. Heads rolling like bowling balls.
Dong Zhuo surrounds his bunker with a chain-link fence and blasts out 1000s of angry tweets...
(Oh wait, I think that was a different Fake Emperor.)
Screaming fights. Rampant paranoia. Heads rolling like bowling balls.
Dong Zhuo surrounds his bunker with a chain-link fence and blasts out 1000s of angry tweets...
(Oh wait, I think that was a different Fake Emperor.)
Tensions peak when the Fake Emperor and gorgeous killing machine Lü Bu both fall in lust with the same woman:
Diaochan, a virgin described (seriously) as "one of China's 4 most beautiful women."
Diaochan fanart remains popular to this day — and 90% of it is NOT this G-rated:
Diaochan, a virgin described (seriously) as "one of China's 4 most beautiful women."
Diaochan fanart remains popular to this day — and 90% of it is NOT this G-rated:
With only weeks left to live, and not much left to live for, the Fake Emperor and Lü Bu both lose their damn minds over Diaochan.
The cleverer ministers recognize this as an opportunity, and encourage her to lead both of them on — which she turns out to be EXTREMELY good at.
The cleverer ministers recognize this as an opportunity, and encourage her to lead both of them on — which she turns out to be EXTREMELY good at.
Dong Zhuo gets played like a fiddle, drooling over Diaochan like a lonely stockbroker in love with his stripper.
Meanwhile, Lü Bu flips the script and seduces HER! Pretty soon they're hooking up in the broom closet 5 times a day...
...while the Fake Emperor remains OBLIVIOUS 🤣
Meanwhile, Lü Bu flips the script and seduces HER! Pretty soon they're hooking up in the broom closet 5 times a day...
...while the Fake Emperor remains OBLIVIOUS 🤣
In the end, though, Dense Emperor Dong Zhuo FINALLY puts the pieces together, and screams for Lü Bu to execute everyone involved.
Lü Bu draws his blade as ordered, but then—
—in a twist that shocked even ME—
—he spins around and SLICES OFF THE EMPEROR'S HEAD!!!
Lü Bu draws his blade as ordered, but then—
—in a twist that shocked even ME—
—he spins around and SLICES OFF THE EMPEROR'S HEAD!!!
The court is horrified, but they've got bigger problems— like the army at their gates.
A minister named Wang Yun steps up as interim leader, and appoints Lü Bu as "General of Vehement Might" (yes this is his ACTUAL TITLE)...
...and they concoct a strategy for ending this war.
A minister named Wang Yun steps up as interim leader, and appoints Lü Bu as "General of Vehement Might" (yes this is his ACTUAL TITLE)...
...and they concoct a strategy for ending this war.
That strategy is for Lü Bu to challenge all enemy heroes to single combat.
Now, this is gonna sound like exaggeration, but here's how every duel goes:
- Lightning-fast attack
- Loud noises!
- Lü Bu strikes a pose & says "Ha." while the enemy's head slowly tumbles to the ground.
Now, this is gonna sound like exaggeration, but here's how every duel goes:
- Lightning-fast attack
- Loud noises!
- Lü Bu strikes a pose & says "Ha." while the enemy's head slowly tumbles to the ground.
For a while it looks like Lü Bu might kill the whole enemy army...until he meets Guo Si.
Guo Si and Lü Bu are equals: neither can kill the other.
Well, isn't this awkward.
Lü Bu breaks up with his supermodel GF and flees the capitol, taking the dead emperor's head with him.
Guo Si and Lü Bu are equals: neither can kill the other.
Well, isn't this awkward.
Lü Bu breaks up with his supermodel GF and flees the capitol, taking the dead emperor's head with him.
With the end of the Fake Emperor's regime, who should reappear but the young emperor in hiding, Xie!
For the first time in the entire book, incredibly, we witness an orderly, legal transition of power!
Xie is proclaimed Emperor Xian, and everyone lives happily ever...
For the first time in the entire book, incredibly, we witness an orderly, legal transition of power!
Xie is proclaimed Emperor Xian, and everyone lives happily ever...
...nope, then Cao Cao shows up!
Did you miss him?!?
He quickly becomes so beloved by Emperor Xian that some speculate Cao Cao is pulling the strings, and has low-key become the most powerful man in China.
But of course, he's just offering "advice."
That's all he ever does.
Did you miss him?!?
He quickly becomes so beloved by Emperor Xian that some speculate Cao Cao is pulling the strings, and has low-key become the most powerful man in China.
But of course, he's just offering "advice."
That's all he ever does.
The new emperor wants nothing more than peace and stability—and Cao Cao (of course) agrees!
So when some country noblemen appear at court, wailing that the Peach Bois are raising their own army—
—Cao Cao advises sending a peacekeeping force ASAP.
And guess who gets to lead it!
So when some country noblemen appear at court, wailing that the Peach Bois are raising their own army—
—Cao Cao advises sending a peacekeeping force ASAP.
And guess who gets to lead it!
Now, it's true that the Peach Garden Bois are not total pacifists.
At the beginning of the book, they swore a sacred oath to safeguard the Han Dynasty at all costs—
—and while the Dynasty is *technically* ruled by a legit emperor, nobody's safe with Cao Cao pulling the strings.
At the beginning of the book, they swore a sacred oath to safeguard the Han Dynasty at all costs—
—and while the Dynasty is *technically* ruled by a legit emperor, nobody's safe with Cao Cao pulling the strings.
Over the next few years, Cao Cao scales up at record speed.
He expands his force into a MASSIVE (some sources claim 220,000+) infantry / cavalry / navy, conquering strategic cities and eliminating rivals at every step.
In short, he's essentially an emperor in his own right now.
He expands his force into a MASSIVE (some sources claim 220,000+) infantry / cavalry / navy, conquering strategic cities and eliminating rivals at every step.
In short, he's essentially an emperor in his own right now.
Liu Bei decides to recruit his own advisor.
He visits Zhuge Liang, who is... a tricky character to describe.
Zhuge Liang knows everything about everything.
He wins battles without touching a weapon.
Legend says he's a powerful wizard, while he insists he's an ordinary farmer.
He visits Zhuge Liang, who is... a tricky character to describe.
Zhuge Liang knows everything about everything.
He wins battles without touching a weapon.
Legend says he's a powerful wizard, while he insists he's an ordinary farmer.
In the panicked moments before a battle, you'll find Zhuge Liang sipping wine and freestyling poetry.
And one of his poems will contain some impossibly arcane fact that holds the key to victory.
That's what Zhuge Liang does: he drinks and he knows things.
He's my favorite.
And one of his poems will contain some impossibly arcane fact that holds the key to victory.
That's what Zhuge Liang does: he drinks and he knows things.
He's my favorite.
Here's how Zhuge Liang's mind works:
One day he's in the city of Xicheng - strategically important, with only a small garrison.
A peasant approaches, screaming: "They're coming! The army is coming!"
Home team's outnumbered, exposed and defenseless.
What does Zhuge Liang do?
One day he's in the city of Xicheng - strategically important, with only a small garrison.
A peasant approaches, screaming: "They're coming! The army is coming!"
Home team's outnumbered, exposed and defenseless.
What does Zhuge Liang do?
Orders all gates open. No soldiers in sight. Even his personal guards disguised as civilians.
The enemy rolls up and says, "Ha! Too easy."
"Wait, but no, SERIOUSLY, this is TOO easy."
"Not a soldier in sight. Zhuge Liang is sitting there smiling at us."
"OH. It's a trap!"
The enemy rolls up and says, "Ha! Too easy."
"Wait, but no, SERIOUSLY, this is TOO easy."
"Not a soldier in sight. Zhuge Liang is sitting there smiling at us."
"OH. It's a trap!"
Horses rear! Captains bark orders!
The army turns about-face and thunders away, fleeing an imaginary ambush.
Zhuge Liang has just defeated a 40,000-man army.
Without so much as *touching* a weapon.
The army turns about-face and thunders away, fleeing an imaginary ambush.
Zhuge Liang has just defeated a 40,000-man army.
Without so much as *touching* a weapon.
Back at the capital, they try to have a funeral for Fake Emperor Dong Zhuo.
His body is such a mess that they decide to bury a wooden statue of him instead—
—but a thunderstorm breaks and a flood washes the statue away!
"Great indeed was Heaven's wrath," as the book says.
His body is such a mess that they decide to bury a wooden statue of him instead—
—but a thunderstorm breaks and a flood washes the statue away!
"Great indeed was Heaven's wrath," as the book says.
So for the time being, Lü Bu is basically a free agent, against both Cao Cao AND the Peach Bois.
And his generals tell him about this guy, Mi Zhu, who he should definitely meet.
And this is Mi Zhu's actual backstory:
And his generals tell him about this guy, Mi Zhu, who he should definitely meet.
And this is Mi Zhu's actual backstory:
One day, Mi Zhu was riding in his carriage when he met a beautiful woman.
He offered her his seat, but she insisted he ride with her.
So he sat "stiffly" (the book's words, not mine) and didn't try to make a move on her, even though she was gorgeous.
He offered her his seat, but she insisted he ride with her.
So he sat "stiffly" (the book's words, not mine) and didn't try to make a move on her, even though she was gorgeous.
And when she got out of the carriage, she turned to him and said,
"I am the Deity of Solar Fire. Thanks for keeping your hands to yourself. You're a cool guy."
And from that day forward, Mi Zhu was friends with the sun goddess, and also happens to be really good at battles.
"I am the Deity of Solar Fire. Thanks for keeping your hands to yourself. You're a cool guy."
And from that day forward, Mi Zhu was friends with the sun goddess, and also happens to be really good at battles.
There's a famous catchy Chinese rhyme:
"San ge chou pi jiang
He cheng yi ge Zhuge Liang"
Basically,
"It takes three normies to think like ONE Zhuge Liang."
"San ge chou pi jiang
He cheng yi ge Zhuge Liang"
Basically,
"It takes three normies to think like ONE Zhuge Liang."
So let's tell another Zhuge Liang story!
The Peach Garden Oath Bois are entrenched deep against Cao Cao's army and navy at Red Cliff.
But the Peach Bois are running super low on supplies — especially arrows.
Zhuge Liang's like, "Give me three days."
The Peach Garden Oath Bois are entrenched deep against Cao Cao's army and navy at Red Cliff.
But the Peach Bois are running super low on supplies — especially arrows.
Zhuge Liang's like, "Give me three days."
Everybody's panicking: "Not even Zhuge Liang can turn this one around! We're out of arrows, and Cao Cao is closing in with like 240,000+ archers."
Zhuge says, "Wait. In two days it'll be foggy."
He has such a knack for weather prediction than rumor holds he's a wizard.
Zhuge says, "Wait. In two days it'll be foggy."
He has such a knack for weather prediction than rumor holds he's a wizard.
Sure enough, two days later a heavy fog rolls in, and Zhuge sails a fleet of straw boats up the Yangtze River.
Cao Cao's archers sound the alarm, and their arrows blot out the sun.
Cao Cao's archers sound the alarm, and their arrows blot out the sun.
Zhuge Liang sips wine down in the cargo hold, racking up thousands free arrows while he day-drinks and talks shit.
The whole time Cao Cao is raging like, "Why can't these boats be stopped?!?!"
The whole time Cao Cao is raging like, "Why can't these boats be stopped?!?!"
Zhuge Liang sails back to the Peach Bois' camp with all the arrows they'll need for months.
He hasn't lifted a finger, except to freshen his wine glass.
And he's just won ANOTHER VICTORY without touching a single weapon.
He hasn't lifted a finger, except to freshen his wine glass.
And he's just won ANOTHER VICTORY without touching a single weapon.
Zhuge Liang is not a person to be understood. He is a reality to be experienced.
It takes at LEAST three normal people to think like Based God Zhuge Liang — and that's on a BAD day.
Oh, and this is most definitely NOT the last time he'll outsmart Cao Cao. Ha. No.
It takes at LEAST three normal people to think like Based God Zhuge Liang — and that's on a BAD day.
Oh, and this is most definitely NOT the last time he'll outsmart Cao Cao. Ha. No.
You might think I'm going to tell you how he outsmarts Cao Cao Cao, but instead, I'm going to give the characters the styles the SHOULD'VE had, instead of "Mendge" and lame styles like that.
Dong Zhuo = Murder Santa
Lü Bu = Chad Stabthrust
Zhang Fei = Beard Tornado
Lü Bu = Chad Stabthrust
Zhang Fei = Beard Tornado
Cao Cao = Chaos Badger
Zhuge Liang = StarCraft Jesus
Guan Yu = The Adult In The Room
Zhuge Liang = StarCraft Jesus
Guan Yu = The Adult In The Room
• • •
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