okay so question: should I watch that dune movie from 1984? yes the one with sting in gold bootyshorts -R
(this is not actually a 24-hour poll, I just misclicked, judgment will be rendered in an hourish) -R
here is all the relevant context going into this:
-I read this book as a kid and remember nothing about the actual plot, only the goofy little worldbuilding details
-patrick stewart has hair in this one I think
-that's all I've got
oh thank goodness! there's an expositional narration monologue! never mind, I'm up to speed. spice, space travel, fremen, prophecy, messiah, D U N E
tbh I'm really digging this intro so far, striking a good balance between familiar (human protagonists, historical-ish costumes) and the unfamiliar (all the exposition, the alien stuff, the slow reveal of exactly how fucked up this spice-warped navigator dude is)
pretty nice of the emperor of space to lay out the plot and premise like this
thank you, emperor sparknotes
hm, the constant narration, monologues and voicing of inner thoughts - while helpful - is beginning to grate a liiiiittle
how exactly can one be "ordered to bear only sons"
very helpful that this computer volunteered the secret harkonnen plot to destroy the atreiedes and take their macguffin
well. that's. a design choice
don't worry it looks WAY worse in motion
patrick stewart sacrificed his hair for eternal youth
here is what has happened in this movie
-dialogue between two unmoving characters surrounded by several other unmoving characters
-a character looking blank while a voiceover states their inner thoughts
-environmental shots of a cool sci-fi thing while someone narrates
how will we know this wild-eyed maniacal blonde is the villain? don't worry, we'll just have him say "I will kill you!!" that'll clear things up
the dialogue in this movie is so on-the-nose and purely functional and I'm STILL barely sure I know what's going on
like one character will suddenly speak in a creepy echo, and another one will think out loud "She's using The Voice!" without explaining what The Voice is. We discern it's some kind of compulsion or control from the context, but the dialogue is still jarringly clunky.
okay I wouldn't need this incredibly basic beat-for-beat narration of what kind of pain paul is going through right now if you would just let this poor guy act
ahhhh right I forgot this book is about a magical man chosen one able to magically do what this enclave of magical superwomen can't
we get so much explanation for everything else and the most we get for why they need the magical superman is "it is a place women fear"
hooooooo! that's A Choice
OH this man is gross WHAT IS HAPPENING
everything and everyone about the harkonnen intro scene is designed to be as disgusting as possible except for Sting
lots of Interesting acting choices happening in this scene
…he's floating
well I'm not entirely sure what just happened but I think someone got super murdered
pug scene count: 3
it's a damn good thing I've got subtitles on because these guys are either inaudibly murmuring or incoherently shouting with zero in-between
ah yes, forgot this book and movie dated back to that era when "jihad" wasn't an incredibly loaded term
the way they're doing the blue spice eyes is interesting cuz it's clearly added in post-production which looks extremely uncanny valley
"thanks for the stillsuits, man, care to give us an in-depth explanation of how they work?"
"boy would I ever!"
not to jump to conclusions, but I think this shifty-eyed doctor examining the guy harkonnen killed and thinking aloud "my message… it's here!" might be that traitor harkonnen mentioned
this worm scene is startlingly well-done! they're hiding a lot with sand clouds, but you can really tell they used miniatures for this one
oh my lord we're nearly an hour into this movie
wow yeah dude it's really pitch-black
oo, sweet reveal that paul was drugged, not sleeping - trickier to pull that off in a book than a visual medium
kind of cool that the doctor is like "yes I'm betraying the baron and his family but only so he can kill the OTHER baron for me because fuck that guy"
oh thank goodness, the pug survived the initial attack
okay seriously, was there some kind of bet with the producers about how many shots they could put the pug in? why is patrick stewart charging into battle holding it
"you wish now to join your wife, traitor?"
"she lives? 😀"

oh buddy, that's not the assumption you wanna make right now
these bad guys are like saturday morning cartoon bad guys but fifty times more perverse
okay plot update, paul's dad is dead and he and his mom have crashed in the desert, and paul is staring at the moon and very quietly waxing philosophical over a surreal montage
here's a fun drinking game for this movie - take a drink every time someone sees paul do something impressive and thinks "is he the one??"
the worms still look really cool but they kind of struggle to show it to us on the same scale as the humans and really get across how massive they are
paul just fell like a hundred feet down a jagged rocky clif-face. I don't care how chosen he is, he's not looking pristine after that
they keep saying "weirding" and surprisingly they have never actually explained what it means
gotta respect how the fremen leader is like "you kicked my ass real good, lady, welcome to the family"
these bad guys are so viscerally nasty. it's so unnecessary
except for sting of course
as the token sexy bad guy you know he's the one to really watch out for
every cool thing they put in this movie is explained through narration. I know it's really hard to avoid tell-don't-show with book adaptions but was there really no other way to show us paul's newborn sister was a genius with magic powers?
kitty! but it's a harkonnen kitty so it's probably got body horror in its future
I feel like they spent like… five minutes in the desert. Now they have absolute fuckloads of water and nobody's wearing their nose-things. I remember surviving the desert being more of a timesink in the book
oh wow they really did not explain this "sounds have power" thing at all
guys if he's gonna be fighting a giant worm you might wanna be standing a little farther back
I think this movie noticed it burned a full hour and forty-five minutes on the setup and now only has half an hour for the conclusion because we are jumping around like WHOA
this montage of How Paul And The Gang Spent Two Years Wrecking Spice Production has big 80s montage energy
patrick stewart is back! where's the pug tell me pug has spice eyes now
"The emperor will stop him. He won't take the Water of Life."
"That's why they want me killed! They're afraid I'll take the water of life!"
by the way paul has a love interest, I think she's had three lines and two of them are "wow paul I love you so much"
if you're curious about her personality or motivations, congratulations, nobody making this movie was
wow I can't believe the chosen one survived the super deadly thing only the chosen one could do
the movie has twenty minutes to wrap this final battle up
okay, now they're selling me on the scale of the worms!
ooooooooo paul's sister is creeeepy, props to the actress who can't be older than six
whenever paul is thinking instead of speaking he gets ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᶜˡᵒˢᵉ ᵗᵒ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᶜ ᵃⁿᵈ ʷʰᶦˢᵖᵉʳˢ
giant worm army vs superpyramid ultimate showdown edition
just realized they still never explained these weird word-powered gun things. feels like a standard sci-fi blaster would be just as effective and look better onscreen, rather than like an actor jerking their arm back and then something expodes in the distance
the movie only has ten minutes left WHERE IS STING
fuck yea time for space prince knife fight
for some reason I assumed they'd be using shields for this so that "slow blade penetrates the shield" thing would come back
of all the scenes that would have benefited from a soundtrack, I think this slow awkward knife fight would have been significantly less awkward with one
oh cool he doesn't need the weird sound gun anymore
okay so the lady who narrated the opening has been standing silently by the emperor the whole time, smiling faintly. I assumed she would become important eventually and it never happened. who is this woman. what is happening.
these vibration-sensing worms are gonna go nuts at all this rain
that movie was weird as fuck

like it wasn't terrible or anything, it was just really badly paced. they basically cut the audiobook down to two and a half hours, added visuals and called it a day
some things I realized while making post-movie dark lunch:
-we never see the pug again after patrick stewart charges into battle with it 😶
-the kitty never came back
-pretty sure paul's mom has exactly zero lines after he drinks the worm juice

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-R
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