Marie Profile picture
13 Sep, 10 tweets, 2 min read
I get depressed a few times a year. And there's been a lot of smoke out, decimating whatever coping mechanisms didn't get taken out by quarantine first.

I'm watching myself fall into a depression. It's not so bad yet, I still have drive to escape. This is just the first circle.
I have an urge to write about this. I'm not looking for help or advice. I think I'm just curious to see what happens. It's been rewarding to share honestly about myself, even tough things.

So, thread about my thoughts and experiences because.. why not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
The first way I know I'm getting depressed is lethargy. Nothing feels worth doing. A lack of hope that action would bring reward.

It's strange to *feel* that actions are joyless, yet know intellectually they help. I've been forcing myself to play beatsaber an hour a day. The exercise reliably moves me up a notch on the depression spiral.

("forcing" takes a lot of self-trust)
The second way I know I'm getting depressed are new stories:
-I'm not doing well enough
-I have no talent
-I am kind of useless / disabled
-the world is bad
-I'd make a bad parent
-this feels bad
These stories are not very good.

Drilling into the stories helps them dissolve into more manageable parts. What does "bad" mean to me?

Focusing on here and now also helps them go away.
My take is that ketamine therapy works well for depression when someone has a lot of ego-stories about themselves and the world

It demonstrates a chill existence without the stories by stripping them away for a while.
We're stuck with the problems that we don't know how to solve. Which is to say I feel at a loss for what to do.

Being on depression level one makes me retreat from others and be cognitively slower and less creative, which makes this problem-solving harder yet.
I think I'm doing something differently this time, though.

Usually I feel bad about feeling bad. This causes even more suffering! Fighting, denying, and disliking the current experience is a reliable way to make the current experience worse.
I feel less judgmental about my experience. Maybe it's my more stable life situation + appreciation practice. Whatever it is, I'm glad.

I'd prefer feeling differently, but.. maybe this is ok too?

At least it's another rep in the practice of getting up

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