So tomorrow I close out what has been, hands down, the biggest growing experience in my 27 years on this Earth—my divorce. Although I didn’t want it, the lessons I’ve learned are invaluable, and I am grateful for that.
Here is a thread of some of those lessons.
1. it’s not your partner’s job to make you happy or validate you. Nor is it your job for them. Validation and happiness comes from within, and if you don’t have it outside of the relationship, you won’t have it in the relationship. Love yourself first.
2. Projection is insidious, and rarely personal. Everyone has pain they’re carrying from their past. Their seeming overreaction to things you don’t think are a big deal are likely triggers for old wounds they have from their childhood or past relationships. Don’t take it
personally, but do make it a point to understand where that hurt is coming from.
3. LEARN. LOVE. LANGUAGES. Holy fuck I cannot stress this enough. Even if one of you understands love languages, you will eventually end up trying to pour from an empty cup. You BOTH need to be deliberate about this. Discuss them. Find out what makes your partner FEEL loved and
wanted, not what you THINK should make them feel loved and wanted.
Don’t avoid conflict. Healthy relationships have disagreements. They have uncomfortable conversations. They hold each other accountable. If you stonewall or if you try to justify WHY you do things and explain away the problem, you go nowhere, and you both eventually condition
yourselves to sweep everything under the rug.
5. Comparison is the thief of joy—even in relationships. Don’t compare your relationship to others. Don’t compare your significant other to others. The grass looks greener elsewhere through the lens of social media. In reality, though, the grass is only green where you water it.
6. Cheating isn’t just sex. A violation of trust is cheating. Once you find yourself withholding information or bending the truth because you know your significant other will be upset with your actions, you’re there. Don’t try to rationalize what you know is wrong.
7. Sex without intimacy is worthless. It isn’t sustainable. Sex in a relationship is a bonding experience. If you don’t develop a sense of intimacy OUTSIDE of the bedroom, you won’t have it in the bedroom, and your sex life will suffer.
There’s no limit to the number of “chances” the person you love should be given—provided they aren’t endangering you, abusing you, disrespecting you, etc. If someone is actively working towards being a better version of themselves, and you see a future with them,
you don’t quit on them.
9. Your relationship is between you and your partner. Stop telling your friends and family every little thing that goes wrong. Because guess what? You’re going to forgive your partner. The people who saw you hurt, won’t. Your cousin who always thought your boyfriend was too
conservative is going to tell you to leave him. Your aunt who always hated your wife’s potato salad is going to tell you to leave her. They don’t know what you actually have, and the only person who knows if it’s worth fighting for is YOU.
10. C O M M U N I C A T E. No, I mean really fucking communicate. Tell your wife that you wanting some personal time doesn’t mean you don’t love her. Explain to your husband how you overthink things sometimes. Come up with solutions. Ask your partner how things make them feel.
Check in with each other periodically and have a “how are we doing” talk. Almost every last thing in a relationship can be solved with effective communication and understanding.
Honorable mention. 11. Learn attachment styles. Mainly formed in early childhood, these will tell you so MF much about how you love and how your partner loves & will highlight a lot of the areas you need to work on in order to have a safe, healthy attachment to your partner
12. Perseverence is imperative. No matter how bleak it seems—at least where marriage is concerned—giving up is not the right answer (within reason). If simply throwing in the towel when it gets hard is an option, marriage probably isn’t for you.
Sorry for the break in the thread. It all continues off of 2 & 3

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