RS Archer Profile picture
14 Sep, 26 tweets, 5 min read
Took my morning river swim today and as usual our dog came with me. He doesn't always swim along often preferring to sit on the bank and watch but today he swum along. As we both emerged to dry off there stood a woman who shouted numerous insults at me and....

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Accusing me of "animal cruelty" and "abuse of a helpless animal". I tried at first to remain calm and let her know our dog did exactly as he pleased and it was his own choice as to if he swum along. Anyone with even a passing knowledge of dogs would be able to see he...
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is happy, healthy and content. She thought otherwise and demanded my name and home address. I lost my temper and a few choice swear words resulted. She at first tried to follow me but I ran quicker than she could. He parting words were,
"I'm off to the police you bastard"
I wrote the above about an hour after it happened but just told my wife as she has been out buying bread. It seems likely this is the same lady who has already berated a couple yesterday for letting their dog swim in the river with their children. Sounds like she has 'issues'.
I called our local police office (we know them) and told them the story. Seems she has already been in to report me, they told her they would be,

"Giving the matter all the time it deserves" A polite way to say they will be doing nothing.
If ever I have been tempted to post here a video of the exchanges I have witnessed today was the day. I was writing in my study when I heard a commotion outside. Our dog was sitting by our gate watching the occasional car drive by and my wife was doing some gardening when..

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it seems the lunatic woman from earlier pulled up outside and tried to entice our dog to come to her with some meat. My wife saw this and ran over while shouting to me. I hit the record button on our CCTV and caught the 'discussion' in full. It was 'full and frank'
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"I am rescuing this dog, do not try and stop me"
"Fuck you, touch my dog and I'll put you in hospital"

Wife now waving pruning shears, dog barking and enjoying it all

"I have seen this dog being abused"
"Go away you mad stupid fool"

Woman retreats, CCTV shows her nearby.
Wife not content with this. Ran down the fence line until she was level with the woman hiding near some bushes,

"Get away from here, we have called the police (this was true) and here in France they will shoot you (this is not true). I meanwhile have taken the dog into the house
Our old friend Henri (local policeman) was driving by and had heard about the kerfuffle. During a small coffee he offered his observation

"My old friend, you attract these people, they are drawn to you." I agreed it has been a unique few months. He will be going to talk to her
As a safety measure dog is being kept inside, this has given the cat an opportunity to strut up and down outside of the terrace windows taunting him,

"Look at me, we cats are allowed out, we are special, you are but a dog. Cats rule all, bow down to me canine'
Mad woman is back. She is standing at the gate with her phone filming our house.

I am preparing the high pressure jet wash.
Am standing on my drive writting this. I am holding the jet wash and have told her if she touches the gate I will soak her, she said,

"You would never dare!" I smiled.
She touched the gate, I drenched her from head to toe.

To say she was angry would be an understatement, she went bat shit crazy berserk. She shouted, she screamed, she shook the gates (I soaked her a second time). She tried to climb over the fence I soaked her again)

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She fell down into the mud that had been generated by my hose, she stood, & fell down again. Her ethnic peace trousers ripped at the knee, her T shirt tore. She lay on the floor and screamed.

Jacques, the local butcher walked by, he smiled at us and tipped his hat to my wife
Excellent update from Henri. When mad woman went to the local police station she described herself as a,

"Psychic animal talker" Seems she believes she can understand what animals think and our dog had suffered a
"lifetime of anxiety and stress through repeated forced swimming"
I have learnt through, 'unofficial sources' that since arriving last week she and her partner have made six claims of animal cruelty to the local police station and have asked for a meeting with the Mayor. In addition she says her partner is a witch who is also psychic.
My wife has suggested we all go out for a drive as mad woman is likely to return. I agreed, she immediately suggested the hat shop in Sarlat.

I vetoed this and we going to call at our wine merchant who is making the arrangements for the wine auction.
I tried all I could to avoid mentioning their nationality but yes the suspicions of many were correct. She is indeed English but with a touch of Southern Californian hippy nutcase.
Our dog will of course be coming along. He is already standing by the Land Rover ready to go. The cat couldn't care less.
Qiuck update. Have learnt the witch partner claims to the police she is a "US sovereign citizen" No idea what that means but she seems to think French law does not apply to her.
My wife is driving, I am monitoring our CCTV on my phone, dog is standing on the centre consul with his front paws on our shoulders and his head out of the sun roof.

I can see our cat at home it's asleep on a deck chair next to the pool.
"Centre console"

No Imperial Roman officials were hurt during this journey.
At the house of our wine merchant now. Wife informing him of today's fun. Our dog playing in garden with his dog.
I can see Henri parked up outside my gate in his police van. He has adopted a relaxed reading the newspaper position.

It's good to have friends.
We are home now, I have somehow been talked into buying a case of champagne. All safe and quiet here. Dog sleeping indoors tonight just in case.

Rewarded Henri with a marc.

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More from @archer_rs

15 Sep
Mad woman and her partner are standing outside my gates holding candles.
I talked to them, seems they are "bearing witness to the suffering of your dog". As said dog was at that point sleeping off a large breakfast I'm not altogether sure there was much suffering but as I said to them,

"Whatever floats your boat". They then called me a Fascist.
They have started playing drums and chanting. The witch woman has tied some leaves to my gates, it's possible I'm being cursed.

My wife is pulling on her wellington boots, this does not bode well for them.
Read 90 tweets
10 Sep
Stopped for a coffee. Am watching a man trying to reverse his caravan. He's been at it for 10 minutes now and is still in the same position. His wife's instructions not helping in any way. He's very aware people are watching him.
He's hit a bollard. His wife is screaming at him and he just told her to,

"Shut up and help"
Hes hit the bollard again, his wife has walked away, possibly forever.
Read 5 tweets
8 Sep
To those who in the last few days who have made what they thought were anonymous threats to me because they decided I hold a certain viewpoint.

The software system we use works for you as well. We already have the workplace details of two of you.

Expect phone calls.
Just made the first call. She was not happy and astonished that I had traced her so quickly. She told me I had invaded her privacy and would be reporting me to the police. I reminded her she had made a death threat toward me so the police would be interested in that.

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She briefly tried to justify her threat but in the end conceded she should not have done it. She asked me not to inform her employer, a UK local council where she works as an equalities officer (irony). She said she would be taking a break from Twitter.
Read 16 tweets
30 Aug
My new business partner (his words) in Nigeria has sworn me to secrecy. It semms he's being watched by, "The International Interpol" and the "forces of Satan'. I have promised discretion, well apart from telling relating the entire story via Twitter obviously.
I told "Paul" as he claims his name to be, I am at the moment focused on the building of my boat, The Black Pig with the help of my old Navy friend Captain Pugwash. I asked if he had an interest in matters nautical.
Remarkably he does.
He's clearly trying to build some rapport between us as he asking about my life. I told him I started my career as the Dragoman to the Ottoman Court before becoming a Swan breeder in Liverpool.
Read 85 tweets
24 Aug
I have written here about two specific British families (and a French one) in relation to a house near me. I wanted to share some of the wider interactions we have with the many British visitors we get here in the Dordogne region.

This area has long been popular with British
British tourists have been both welcome and popular here, they contribute to the local economy and some have made the jump to ownership for either holidays or retirement. I would say the overwhelming majority do their best to integrate, they learn some French, ....
.. they understand and appreciate local cultures and traditions. A percentage do not.

The two families I wrote about are an example of that minority. For us we are now able to spot the signs and mostly avoid them but our local shop keepers and restaurant owners cannot.
Read 13 tweets
19 Aug
When the idiot son was here recently he took with him many family items but of course left the interior as it was.

One wall in one of the bedrooms has five wartime posters of Winston Churchill.
On the kitchen wall is a picture of the Queen with on the frame written,

"British Railways 1967"
But perhaps the most striking element is that one end of the main sitting room has been decorated to look like an English pub circa 1976. Optics, lighting, an old wooden bar with beer pumps, a place to hang glasses overhead and even a poster for Watney's Red Barrel.
Read 75 tweets

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