Thread by @lactaidpopper

i have definitely gotten to the point where i now have to take care of my mentally unwell parent (mom who is 65) and i didn’t even realize until i make a google spreadsheet with possible apartments for her to live in

i love my mom. she’s batshit crazy and almost dangerous when she’s off her meds, but so much of who she is was never up to her.

she grew up with an abusive father, probably abusive romantic relationships, was never told to take education seriously bc she wouldn’t need to worry about that, she would be taken care of by the men in her life.

she was in a traumatic accident in her 20s/30s (unclear) her car fell off the side of a mountain cliff and spun several times. it rattled her brain, nervous system, and spine. she says the only effects of the crash were chronic backaches. i now know it was much more.

she came to the us on a vacation visa, and for a while would go back and forth between miami and colombia. her step father, who she considered her real father, and still loves him to this day, had means and money and they were taken care of. then he died.

no more money. my mother knew she wanted to stay in the states, but she couldn’t emigrate “legally” (this part of the story i will prob never know)

this began her 20+ years of being an undocumented alien, grateful for where she was but terrified of being there.

is like to say here that my mom was never an alcoholic, a smoke, never had vices. in that regard, she was a pack rat and was an acute narcissist. but she never had substance abuse issues. i don’t know how, i just know that that could never be me!

this person who was told to not get an education, to rely on the men around her, to forget about having aspirations or pursuing meaningful work — she now had no choice but to redefine herself completely and go against everything that she knew

and then i was born

now she had to unlearn her entire life while carrying her traumas, treading lightly in life for fear of deportation, and learning to be a mother.

her worldview went from ‘trust others, they will help’ to ‘trust no one, only you can help yourself’

she raised me fine. she tried her best. she’s not a perfect mother, and her weaknesses far outnumbered her strengths. but she made sure i knew she loved me, and i never wanted for shelter, food, toys.

all of this while raising me — and i get it. it’s timing. to her, i symbolized her growth & independence. where others said no, i was saying yes. she was working, she was living where she wanted, & she was with her son, who will never have to know the dangers of mountains & cars

narcissists however have a tendency to only understand the world in relation to themselves. so when i started growing up, i yearned for things away from her. she yearned for things to stay just as they were. she loved me, but love doesn’t raise a young person.

i think the reason first generation children don’t get along w their immigrant parents is due to expectations vs ambitions.

the children, like most americans, have high ambitions. the parents expect them to realize that those ambitions have already been achieved.

our parents come here from far off countries, enduring all of the hardships, only for us to grow up and immediately leave them.

to my mother, i carried her newfound resilience. & now i was leaving her, entangled in all of the things she worked so hard to build up, pulling away.

& not all immigrant parents are like this! many understand the need for a child to leave, to build themselves, to experience discomfort. they came here so we can go there! there is no end!

but those parents never had to redefine themselves the way mine redefined herself for me.

it’s incredible to think that for 65 years my mother has been in clutches combat against depression, trauma, and a lost sense of self. it’s not her fault. yes she’s fucking insane. but it’s not her fault.

after i left her house, she turned her proud independence into a paranoid defensiveness. she didn’t know how to deal with me leaving, so she would look for problems that she COULD deal with.

my mother has major depressive disorder with acute psychotic features. she has said and done unforgivable things. there are members of my family who will never see her again, for their own safety.

she also raised me as a single mother, worked multiple jobs, never had any vices.

if anyone is actually reading this lol i’m sorry. i took two klons and i’m zonked out and i think i just needed to process some stuff.

tldr felt cute might delete later lmaO

my mom sucks and i don’t like her. but just like the car crash or being born to your parents, it’s all a matter of circumstance. and that mean that the *reasons* i don’t like her, are not really her fault. and THAT, RIGHT THERE, allows me to love her.

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