My cat.

My stupid, overweight, silly, loving, sweet, little soulmate cat.

He (Mr. Bean) was the reason I didn’t actually buy the gun.

I had all the plans in place. I’d already given away or donated the majority of my material possessions.
I’d told the people closest to me that I was getting ready to move. Perfect cover.

I’d already planned to find a place in the foothills. I could park, call 911 there, next to my car, & not risk any of the first responders that I personally knew,
to be dispatched. I would be out of their jurisdiction. I didn’t want anyone I knew to have to actually find me.

I’d leave a note in my car, telling them who to contact. I had a friend who was a funeral director, who had his own new funeral home.
I knew he’d take care of me, & wouldn’t charge an exorbitant price.

This wasn’t the first time I’d made these plans... but I don’t remember ever feeling so certain, so determined.

But no one I knew was able to take my sweet cat. I’d have to relinquish
him back to the rescue where I’d found him. They rescued cats & dogs from Reservations overwhelmed w/stray animals in such a large geographical area, w/ minimal resources.

I’m thought about my beautiful daughter, the person I loved - LOVE - admire & trust
most in the world. I hoped she would understand. Old enough, competent, able & resistant.

The darkness, the hopelessness & futility of that moment... it was all-encompassing. But if was Tempe logistics of my cat that halted the machinations long enough for
me to take that necessary breath. One day away from driving him to the rescue, I knew once I relinquished him the countdown would be irreversible.

The next day didn’t happen.

The next few weeks were a blur; I just know the machine had slowed, then halted.
I see people now, struggling, gasping for breath, & my heart & soul ache for them, for their struggle. We are all hurting, mentally, but also emotionally, & at a deep soul level.

I don’t often (usually) know how to help. I DO know the darkness, the pain.
It may feel like you’re alone. In your physical space , it might even be true.

But in that heart-space... that soul-space... there are so many of us who understand.

Give it a moment, an hour, a day.

THIS is not the rest of your life. It’s just a moment.
And this moment will pass.

Change.

Transform.

And you will too.

You’re not alone. You never truly were.

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