Thread by @tomowencc

Decided to make a thread of panini Tour de France stickers and what I think the riders look like.

#TDF2020

Number 1. Shane Archbold, meth cook from the Louisiana bayou.

Hugh Carthy, singer in mid-2000s indie band called something like The Twiglets or The Bang Bangs

Michael Morkov, kindly therapist operating out of Copenhagen's trendy Vesterbro neighbourhood. Collects vintage port.

Florian Senechal made a huge amount of money selling mephedrone while at Bristol uni then lost it all trading Bitcoin.

Fabio Felline is literally just Manuele Boaro with a mild hangover..

Cyril Barthe is a 16th century libertine who died of syphilis aged 28, leaving behind four illegitimate children and a single volume of quite bad poetry.

Neilson Powless is at your front door and he would like to have a very long, very earnest discussion with you about the condition of your immortal soul... And give you some informational literature to take away with you

William Bonnet is a hard boiled Chicago P. I. who is getting way too old for this shit.

Jose Joaquin Rojas competes on the amateur over-40s mixed martial arts circuit in the northwest of England and works on the doors at a nightclub called at the Tropical Lounge in Wigan that is anything but tropical.

You and Ivan Cortina were best friends until aged 13 when his family suddenly moved away. You still think about him sometimes when you can't sleep and wonder if he thinks about you too.

Anthony Turgis smokes rollies and is really, really into permaculture.

George Bennett was in a eight -episode story arc of Hollyoaks and now makes a living by seducing millionaire widows on the French Riviera.

Richie Carapaz got excluded for setting off the fire alarm three times in a single day at your secondary school. Your mum says you're not to hang about with him.

Dylan Groenewegen plays fullback for the second XV at Barnes RFC and talks about it ENDLESSLY at his terrible job in the insurance industry.

Nacer Bouhanni works at the Wandsworth branch of Foxtons Estate agents. Has a rampant coke problem and listens to Boiler Room dj sets illegally downloaded from YouTube into MP3 format really loud in his company Mini.

Ian Stannard used to work as a driving instructor but now makes an absolute fortune following his oassion; selling 'artisan Welsh manchego' to Waitrose.

Michael Valgren was a newly qualified teacher at your school that couldn't keep order. He lasted three weeks and now does admin for a regional haulage firm. He keeps bees because "they soothe him".

Andre Greipel is who they brought in to replace Valgren. There is a rumour he is going out with the really, really fit food technology teacher. Nobody messes about in Maths now.