One of the primary social functions of church is to provide a place for chicks that have made terrible life choices to find some schmuck to pick up the tab.

People often ask how I found myself a good wife there, so here's Abe's 10 commandments of pew poon.

1) If she’s wearing riding boots, she’s been ridden. Same as everywhere else.
2) Never wife a single mom rule still applies, no matter how many sermons try to guilt you into doing so.
3) If it doesn’t work out, she gets the church in the divorce. Remember that. No matter how nice people are to you.
4) You don’t have to go to the church regularly to get a nice girl there.
5) If wife hunting – same rules as everywhere else generally apply. 7-, and find the girl that volunteers at the old folks home after church.
6) 50+% of the women in the building would bang the preacher if given the chance. They might have already.
7) If she’s on stage, she’s probably a performer, and you don’t wife a performer.
8) If you get in a fight, there's gonna be a line of morons trying to give her a shoulder to cry on.

Church doesn’t mean you can’t be overtly hostile with dudes trying to bone your woman.
9) Just because Jesus died for her sins doesn’t mean you’re obligated to spend the rest of your life carrying her baggage.
10) Be respectful, young playa. If God’s watching, He’s definitely watching there.

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