In a stunning new development Matt Hancock announces a massive extension to the testing programme. Tests will be carried out by each household on the neighbours living to their right. The test will involve use of a handy questionnaire which can be downloaded from the Serco ..
.. website free for only £35. Questions include name, address etc & then ‘have you got Covid?’ If the answer is ‘no’ the test can be balled up & tossed in the garbage, if ‘yes’ then:

• the infected person is issued with an on the spot fine of £10,000 using a special form ..
.. (free from Serco for only £35).
• their recent contacts must be noted down
• the questioner has 2 days to trace each contact, which must be done in person (note this may involve foreign travel)
• all contacts successfully located will be issued ..
.. with fines as above
• the contacts of contacted persons must be traced too.
• the results must be delivered by hand to a designated landfill site, details of which will be available free from Serco for £12. Note that due to anticipated demand, the site may not be ..
.. the nearest & may not be in the UK either.
• to ensure the system is robust & effective, each person carrying out testing will have a power of forced entry to neighbours’ & contacts’ homes exercisable at any time except when bake off is on TV
• the govt. relies on the ..
.. common sense of the British people to make the new system work
• the following are wholly exempt from the scheme: the monarchy, all MPs & their wives & mistresses, Conservative party donors, Russians, Baroness Harding, Dominic Cummings, Professor Sikora & ..
.. such other persons as may be designated from time to time.
• the scheme comes into force 10 minutes from now.
• Matt Hancock is in charge of assigning blame should anything go wrong.

The End
To those (frankly) carping about living in an end-of-terrace or an isolated farmhouse etc without neighbours to their right (there’s always someone) the govt. has commissioned a study from Deloitte under a £200M contract. Results are expected in June 2025.

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More from @CliveWismayer

4 Mar
Thread on Sturgeon/Salmond

I started following this during Salmond’s astonishing criminal trial, reading Craig Murray’s daily & highly detailed blog posts. I’ve watched some of the evidence taken by the current parliamentary enquiry & part-read Salmond’s 4th submission.

.. I am way behind the curve but some key stages in the saga have condensed out of the gloom. It’s way more interesting & dramatic than one might think.

2017 or thereabouts Salmond is shaping to return to Scottish politics. This is not welcomed by the SNP leadership.

2018 2 complaints of sexual misconduct from his time as first minister surface.

Early March 2018 his chief of staff, Geoff Aberdein, unearths info about the complaints.

29 Mar 18 a meeting is set up at Sturgeon’s home.

02 Apr 18 the meeting takes place. It’s a big ..
Read 26 tweets
1 Mar
Here’s a helpful guide to the EU’s regulations for importing shellfish. Would you please:

• confirm you have read it & that the ERG has actually ‘researched’ something
• state in what respect, if any, the UK is being held to a different standard to any other 3rd country ..
• state in what respect, other than the application of its own regulations, the EU has acted in bad faith, as you assert (but without particulars)
• if unable to answer any of the above, justify the use of the word ‘ban’.

The UK’s fishermen have you to thank for ..
.. destroying their business. Your letter is a transparent attempt to cover your arse & fabricate the pretence that you give a shit.

Finally, ‘eau no’ is neither funny nor cleve, but it is an inadvertent giveaway that you regard the whole thing as a bit of a joke. Well played.
Read 4 tweets
23 Feb
Whoever is masterminding the govts’ litigation strategy in the GLP’s latest challenge is a bit of a moron. They decided as a semi-legitimate tactic to budget for £2,000,000 in legal fees to defend the claim. If this were some tedious commercial dispute between a wealthy ..
.. company & a weak one, this wouldn’t be a bad idea. I’ve seen it. The idea is simply to deter the other party from continuing by maximising their risk exposure.

The strategy here is stupid because:

• the money being played with is OUR money & we weren’t asked if ..
.. we minded.
• it depended on @GoodLawProject being deterred & misjudged their courage
• the sum was too ridiculously inflated (£500,000 would have been a more defensible number)
• the court’s, admittedly little used, power to cap costs was not taken into account.

Read 7 tweets
23 Feb
From Alec Salmond’s submission to the Scottish Parliamentary Enquiry, before the Crown Office manages to get it ‘unpublished’. Please RT beyond the ability of anyone to do anything about it:

‘[I ...] am very clear in my position that the evidence supports a deliberate, ..
.. prolonged, malicious and concerted effort amongst a range of individuals within the Scottish Government and the SNP to damage my reputation, even to the extent of having me imprisoned. That includes, for the avoidance of doubt, Peter Murrell (Chief Executive), ..
.. Ian McCann (Compliance officer) and Sue Ruddick (Chief Operating Officer) of the SNP together with Liz Lloyd, the First Minister’s Chief of Staff. There are others who, for legal reasons, I am not allowed to name.’

Among those he can’t name is, I believe, St Nicola ...
Read 4 tweets
9 Feb
I’m treating my galloping insomnia by abolishing the following sports:

• netball - dainty basketball
• basketball - terrible visuals & acoustics
• swimming - see basketball
• hockey - in it’s modern form, deadly boring, too many fouls
• ice hockey - see basketball
• water polo - nothing but fouls (mind you, Dad used to play)
• polo - self-explanatory
• dressage - too ridiculous for words
• archery - doesn’t televise
• fencing - same
• that one where you ski a bit & then break off to shoot something - illogical
• curling - FFS
• bowls - can be played but not watched
• rugby league - boring
• ice dance - we don’t have Torville & Dean anymore lol
• pigeon fancying - cruel
• cycling around entire countries - excessive & unnecessary
• triathlon - see cycling
• the middle 2 hours of the marathon
Read 5 tweets
3 Feb
Was Navalny justly convicted of embezzlement in 2013 or was it a stitch up? The ECHR adjudicated in 2016 & you can read the densely written judgment here:{"appno":["46632/13"],"itemid":["001-161060"]}

It’s a murky business to be sure. It has ..
.. the hallmarks of a stitch up by someone of whom Navalny was being publicly critical at the time. The proceedings which ultimately resulted in the suspended sentence were ruled unfair & Navalny was awarded compensation.

For reasons unclear, Russia was not directed to ..
.. produce an action plan to, for example, quash the conviction, so, though unfairly obtained, it remained in effect & has just now been activated.

I am not a Navalny fan &, for balance if nothing else, tend to take Putin’s & Russia’s side in most things but this ..
Read 4 tweets

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