Some honest reflections on parenting, from the morning quiet:
We don’t talk about how fucking hard parenting is - at an often viscerally challenging level - enough. Mental health and parenting logically go hand in hand. But there’s still stigma and pressure to look like you’re loving it, particularly when kids are young.
FWIW I fucking hated the early years. I felt trapped and overwhelmed and unsupported and ultimately, a failure, while everyone else around me acted like they were having the time of their life with their toddlers and humous and play dates.
But here’s the thing: parenting is non-linear. It changes. It’s phases. You don’t have to enjoy every one. People go on about terrible teens but I’ve treasured my girls’ teen years.
Good parenting, I have learned, is not:
• controlling someone
• creating a person in your image
• something to expect ROI from
• about me
Good parenting is the ultimate act of generosity: to give with no expectation of anything in return, just a hope that you have contributed something of value to your person and therefore the world
Your kids are not you. You share genes and points of reference and maybe even ancestral belief patterns and trauma, but they are not you. You will never fully know them, but that’s OK. Kids are allowed their own mysteries, just as us parents should have ours.
And on that note, kids can amaze you. I’m convinced we generally underestimate our kids. I know I do. And I check myself on that regularly, because I also know that when my kids feel like someone believes in them, it’s game-changing.
I love car journeys for chats. Questions I like to ask, for unexpected answers:
• what matters to you today?
• what do you especially value about x friend?
• what do you think about [insert literally anything - cheese, BLM, drugs]?
• what do you wish you understood better?
Listen. Listen, listen, listen. Even when it’s a boring monologue about the principles of a good TikTok. Do you know how badly kids need to be heard? And hey, just as importantly, it’s how they learn to listen.
Know for yourself, and teach them the difference, between service and servitude. Parents should be in service to their kids. Not servitude.
My personal philosophy is to resist doing practical things for my kids that they could do for themselves. Independence - despite nixing my desire for them to need me forever - will be the greatest gift I can give them.
Parents gonna fuck up. But far more important than not fucking up is to fuck up, admit it and be willing to apologise. Where else in this world will your kids learn humility and the essential nature of failure?
And yes it’s a cliche that time flies, far too quickly. So love hard. Remember that they’re watching and admiring and modelling you, even when you’re convinced they despise you. Be their safe place in the world. In service, not servitude. Let your fledglings fly. Yikes.
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If you’re reading about Afghanistan and feeling sick and helpless about the unimaginable situation people there are facing, now would be a good moment to donate to a refugee-supporting charity. I’m putting together some links. Take your pick. Give what your can.
And here it is. The crazy thing about the government standing by and letting this Ofqual debacle play out is that it amounts to nothing less than an act of mammoth, wilful harm to the nation. theguardian.com/education/2020…
In one fell swoop, the inaction of the government has (further) alienated students, and parents and undermined teachers and school heads. It has allowed grotesque social unjustice to play out in plain sight once again. And toyed with the lives and MH of thousands of young people.
Don’t even mention the inevitable self-inflicted costs of appeals it will have to foot. Or the potential financial impact on universities that can’t fill/fund their places and, you know, function. Or the effect on job markets and skewing of grade trend data.
We are a household of 3 women: 1 44yo with lifelong body shame issues and 2 teenagers. We have a rule to not comment directly about each other’s bodies.
Instead:
“You look great!”
“Your eyeliner is 🔥 today”
“YAAAASSSS”
“Loving that style journey for you”
There is no general discussion about size or weight or comparisons, positive or negative - that also means no “ooh you look so slim!” Or “your bum looks great in that!”. All food is good food, but we also talk about what is needed for balance. There are no diets, just science.
(Only recently we got bathroom scales. I had legit scales phobia but during chemo last year they weighed me so often my fear turned into curiosity. Kids now mainly use the scales for entertainment, to weigh before and after pooping 😂. I’m back to being afraid of them again.)
My happy place. 2 years ago, I came to work here, earning minimum wage to serve cups of tea because writing work had dried up while I was sick with cancer. It turned out to be so much more than a job.
I found family here, people who mean the world to me, and a place that soothes my soul. I now share it with my most loved people whenever I can. Both daughters work here, these days. Eldest is cleaning the loo while I type. It’s been good for them, and I’m grateful.
I’m sad not to work here any more, but delighted that I’ve rebuild my writing business despite the kick of further cancer last year. This is where I celebrated my birthday this time last year, mid-way through chemo but so, so happy to spend an evening to full of love here.
Re. the Adele thing: I have 2 teenage daughters and struggled horribly with my body image through my teens and 20s. It was crippling. Our rule is that we do not comment on each other’s bodies. It’s just not up for comment. Yes to cute outfit / killer eyeliner etc but that’s it.
That’s not to say we don’t talk about body image, worries, weight, how we look etc; we do. But we talk about it in an owned way. ie. unless you’ve instigated the conversation about your body, it’s not a conversation that’s happening.
Overall, that seems to give my girls a sense of ownership and safety and confidence that I certainly didn’t feel at their age. Let’s stop commenting on women’s bodies and focus on stuff that IS our business.
I know lots of people are talking about it and it’s not new but the sheer arrogance of Johnson’s camp, surely knowing how tone deaf his stay at Chequers comes across to millions who ARE observing the rules, yet supporting it anyway while another few thousand die.
This is not leadership. So what, he praised the NHS nurses by name. So he bloody should. We’ve been doing it for years and we’re not the ones who voted against fair pay for nurses.
Talk is cheap. Especially in politics. Actions matter and to shit on everyone by going to his second home essentially says, some people’s lives are more important, some people don’t have to follow the rules.