Here's a PSA about miscarriages that I wish somebody had given me, bc I knew nothing until it happened. Very much to my own surprise, I ended up having almost every kind of miscarriage there is.

Every man should read this. You REALLY need to know this.
There are many kinds of miscarriages - every one is different medically and for the woman & how it affects her, but they also range from "missed miscarriage" (very early, medically minor) to catastrophic (in every sense) late miscarriages.
"Missed miscarriage" is one of several weird archaic terms for when a pregnancy starts successfully but ends again before we would normally even know for sure it was there, but that can now be detected with OTC quick tests. My grandma, mother of 8 + 1 late miscarriage said
it was a blessing not to know about those and she was right in the emotional sense - knowing about them is a roller coaster of hell, but physically it's possible not to notice. However, medically, now that we know we're discovering that lots of these takes a big toll on the
mother's body and is also a signal that something is off that should be paid attn to. My male OBGYN, a very big name in Manhattan, blew off SEVEN of these before I had an accidental appt with a female junior doc in his office who was horrified. She put me on very simple & safe
baby aspirin & progesterone and by the next month I was pregnant with my youngest & the whole string of miscarriages was over. So - not really so minor.
The next most common kind of miscarriage typically happens around 6-12 weeks from conception & is usually caused by the body rejecting a genetically imperfect embryo (Im not a doctor!) - they're more common as women are having babies later in life. Usually there's time to confirm
pregnancy and get excited, tho this is the window when a lot of ppl don't announce the pregnancy bc the risks of miscarriage are high. You probably get to hear the heartbeat at least once, until the next appointment when...you don't. This is gutting. Beyond words.
Physically, there's enough material in there that things can go bad fast, so depending on what the doc sees & how far along it is, they either check you into the hospital for a D&C - surgery, tho usually simple and not very invasive - or give you a medication to expel it at home
or if bleeding has started they "let it happen naturally at home." That's a euphemism. What it literally means that no one talks about is that for many days, like up to two weeks, while you go to work & talk to friends & all the usual things you are in fact miscarrying.
Everyone reading this has likely been talking to someone who was actively miscarrying at some pt. But that makes it sound minor - they tell women it's like a heavy period. It's not. It's the bloody, chunky, gook of what you were expecting, likely hoping, to be your baby, slowly
dripping out of your body. It's gross, painful, horrifying, and emotionally devastating. Some times it's excruciating & you're curled up on a bed, but it's SLOW and the pain varies & usually you're forced to go ab your life like nothing's happening.
I never did the kind where they give you medication to speed along the process, but my understanding is that it makes it faster & more painful. The D&C version, if all goes well, is not physically painful but is terrifyingly medicalized and extremely invasive in the sense that
it usually means lots of teams of mostly male docs coming at you w the vaginal wand to confirm over & over: definitely no heartbeat here, no sirree. According to widely publicized reports, hospitals regularly use women under anesthesia to "give med students exp at vaginal exams"
So yeah - have a side of rape with your miscarriage, none of which you can ever talk about for fear of losing your job! Such civilized times we live in.
That's all assuming things go "normally." Sometimes they don't. One of my miscarriages was cause by a partial molar pregnancy - that's a genetic oops that was nearly twins but ended up as a gob of doubled chromosomes (not one extra, double of the whole set). This is not
compatible with life. (So, pro-lifers who equate conception with life are ignoramuses, which we knew, but they are also cruel, abusive, and murderous to mothers like me & the two healthy children I had after this.)
In the early stages, it was not yet possible to distinguish btwn the partial mole (not an embryo!) and an actual embryo. At the 6-week checkup there was no heartbeat. I was scheduled for a D&C, which is the reason I and my 2 children are alive today, bc if I'd been sent home
I would have bled out & died before anyone realized it was a partial mole. They tend to hemorrhage, but they're rare & can't be detected that early. Luckily, I hemorrhagedat a NYC hospital w a (woman) doc who actually had seen this before & therefore did everything right.
(That awesome doc later left the US out of disgust for our medical system.) After all that, this partial mole, if even a few cells remain, can grow into CANCER. So I had to be tested every month for a year, but luckily dodged that bullet.
There are many, many other ways things can go terribly & unexpectedly wrong, for any woman, any time. Every time there are tremendous consequences. Even the most "minor" miscarriages take a big toll on the body. And I was lucky that I never miscarried later than 8 weeks - that's
a whole other level of physical, medical, and emotional trauma.

Meanwhile, most of you have now idea any of this is happening. I had zero leave for any of this, did ll the things to get tenure that everybody else did, while not saying a word about the dozen miscarriages.
Let alone the two blown disks in my back, the ME/CFS, and the migraines that I couldn't even take medication for during all those pregnancies. This country, and academia especially, is BARBARIC and deeply bigoted. And I'm a privileged white woman w insurance and a full-time job!
To clarify for the brain-numb prolifers out there - it's not like there are baby limbs or anything at this stage! It's mostly the tissue built up around the embryo, and there's nothing recognizable as an embryo that's visible. It's awful bc it's NOT a baby, not bc it is.
Final note: What Chrissy Teigen and John Legend are going thru afaik is really a stillbirth bc it's so late. That means many times more medical/physical complications plus the death of a potential baby you'd begun to bond with as an individual as well as an idea/hope.
Anyone who doesn't respect their grief is a horrible excuse for a human being.
Oh also - if I had been fully caffeinated before writing this & thought about it getting shared widely I would have started with trigger warnings. I'm very sorry if anyone got too far in before realizing how specific and/or scary it could be depending on your situation!
While anything CAN happen at any time, and society should recognize this, luckily most of the time it doesn't. I think every man and woman should be told these things, but best BEFORE actually being pregnant, bc that's not when you need the stress.
Also, everything here is obviously my experience, as a cis white woman with full-time employment in a big city. Throw in any less security or social marginalization or physical complication and everything is just exponentially worse.
Important clarification that shouldn't be buried in the replies - I mixed up my terms for the early type:
Big thank you to everyone adding trigger warnings when they RT - please do. I was a dolt for not doing that.
Important note - this is a personal experience from 2005. I don't know either way, but I wouldn't be surprised if partial molar/molar pregnancies are detectable now from the very early genetic blood tests. If you're pregnant right now, pls don't let this freak you out.

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More from @kpanyc

29 Sep
Shall we list the ways GBBO shows a healthy culture in direct contrast to American culture?
1. Manners - everyone in the show is saying please & thank you all the time
2. Taking criticism - those who take it generally say "thank you," or "okay" as in, "I'm taking a note" not
as "I'm thinking of ways to murder you for daring to criticize me" or "You are so dumb and I am so right" of Americans on reality shows or, yanno, on Twitter
3. The contestants are very clearly supportive of each other and appear to make friends from the experience, as opposed to
"I'm not here to make friends" cutthroat Americans
4. No one takes the show, the contest, the baking, or themselves particularly seriously, which IMO is the key to the show and exactly what Americans are worst at
5. Altho it's hard to tell given the editing & my lack of expertise
Read 10 tweets
29 Sep
This is the kind of social science that makes historians have convulsions. You can't predict the future based on what has happened so far, bc the one guarantee the future offers us is change. Instead of counting past incidents like widgets, you need multi-factor causal reasoning.
(That's what historians do. Not dates/timelines. That's a myth. If you didn't know that's a myth, you have even bigger problems.)
To clarify: the argument that it won't happen here because it hasn't happened here before is dumb on its face. Listing causes of how the exact same "it" has happened elsewhere, looking for the whole list here, & concluding we're safe bc we're not there is also dumb on its face.
Read 5 tweets
21 Sep
I don't think anyone's worried about the scenario of Trump actually refusing to physically leave the Oval Office in Jan, lol. The prob w refusing to "leave office" is the excuse it gives his nazi citizen militias to wreak havoc on an even larger scale more or less forever.
Not to mention years of legal wrangling where he & all his ppl claim they can't be indicted because they're technically still in office - it does need to work, it just needs to endless delay thing until the fervor to get them all in jail forever dies down, which it will.
Leaving permission, in short, for all the criminals to keep doing what they're doing more or less forever. Looking forward to President Ivanka. JFC, people, you're not remotely grasping the scale of things.
Read 4 tweets
12 Sep
Parenting protip: our kids, like many, seem to be biologically (or culturally?) programmed to treat me like a vending machine for their every whim while Papa is treated like a fun human being who loves them. This is really hard to combat, but on weekend mornings he gets up with
the little one at whatever ridiculous hour she won't go back to bed and after setting her up with cartoons & breakfast she leaves him alone (I cannot even imagine what this is: if it's me, I'm talked at, climbed on, asked for things constantly). I get to sleep in, then he brings
me tea and I hide out as long as possible, enjoying blissful alone time. I highly recommend this regime. The only way to screw it up is if Mama wastes her delicious alone time on Twitter, so I gotta put this phone down & grab a book.
Read 4 tweets
12 Sep
I used to often make this mistake of offering good news to Karens anywhere on the political map that their hysterical fears for the babeez are unfounded. They respond only w hostility - they feed off the fear itself. And this is like 3/4 of white women. This society is fucked up.
& it's no wonder given the climate of baseless and infantilizing hysteria driving all media of any kind directed toward mothers. The only ppl I know who withstand it are, like me, trained in actual evidence-based reasoning in some realm. Which tells you education does work, btw.
The secret, btw, for anyone out there who may be considering having a kid or expecting one: get the fuck out of those mommy circles & advice books, stat! They'll warp your mind while it's about to get bombarded w overwhelming hormones.
Read 6 tweets
12 Sep
If I can, for a moment, speak seriously to profs who panic about students "getting away with" stuff. Let go of the need to control. You can't, and your efforts to try INHIBIT learning. You were never taught how to teach & the norm has been to copy how you were taught but...
The ppl teaching you were even worse! The fact that you made it despite that makes you an outlier, but your job now is to serve all the students. As for having been burned before by wily students: I feel you, but a classroom guided by the need for control breeds that & only that.
I know you don't have time to reinvent everything, you're overburned. Believe me, I KNOW. Here's the secret: letting go and rethinking everything will LESSEN those burdens. Maybe even bring a little joy. Sometimes a lot.
Read 4 tweets

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