Thread by @jelenawoehr

JED BARTLETT: *peering at news* Abby, did you see this?

ABBY: don't get your blood pressure up. it's not your concern anymore.

JED: well, of course it is. can't a man be interested in current events?

ABBY: just tell me you won't call--

JED: get Toby on the phone, will you?

TOBY: yes, sir, I've heard.

JED: do you think he's faking it?

TOBY: no, sir, I don't. I don't think his ego would allow it.

JED: should I make a statement?

TOBY: what kind of statement, sir?

JED: I don't know. "I told you so?"

TOBY: no, I don't think you should say that.

JED: have you talked to C.J.?

TOBY: I called, but she was dancing barefoot on the lawn under the full moon. she hung up on me.

JED: *snort* WOMEN.

ABBY: *clears throat*

JED: what I meant to say was, have you spoken to Sam?

TOBY: on the other line, sir. I'll merge the calls.

SAM: good evening, sir. how are you feeling?

JED: I'm married to a doctor. I'm feeling nostalgic for the outdoors.

TOBY: the president thinks he should make a statement.

SAM: don't say "I told you so."

JED: I wasn't going to.

TOBY: *cough*

JED: I might have considered it.

TOBY: sir, CJ's calling. should I merge her in?

JED: yes, for god's sake.

CJ: (out of breath) good evening, sir.

JED: I heard you were dancing.

CJ: a little bit, sir.

JED: did you do the jackal?

CJ: It's the WAP now, sir.

JED: I hope the P stands for "Pope."

CJ: no, sir

JED: CJ, don't you think it's somewhat unseemly to dance when a man has contracted a dangerous virus?

CJ: can the First Lady hear me?

ABBY: I'm here.

CJ: Mrs. Bartlett, do you have some sort of music-playing device with you? I want you to look up an artist named Megan--

SAM: Abby, don't do what she's telling you to do.

ABBY: that's Dr. Bartlett. I'm looking, CJ.

JED: I believe we were talking about me.

TOBY: yes, sir. a statement. I still think it's a bad idea.

SAM: there's nothing to say that won't sound vindictive or false.

JED: what if I'm feeling vindictive?

TOBY: then that's all the more reason not to say anything.

JED: god, you lily-livered intellectual elites pain me sometimes.

TOBY: sir, you're a Nobel laureate.

JED: get Ainsley on the phone.

CJ: you know who she works for now, right?

AINSLEY: good evening, Mr. President. I imagine you're calling to gloat?

JED: you have a vivid imagination.

TOBY: he's calling for advice. he thinks he should make a statement.

AINSLEY: sir, I work for the Lincoln Project. I don't think it's right I advise you.

SAM: I do.

TOBY: you do?

SAM: sure. we're on the same team on this one.

AINSLEY: your making a statement might benefit us, and not you.

JED: what benefit am I worried about? I'm retired.

ABBY: your legacy.

JED: is secure.

ABBY: your children.

JED: are rich, grown, and happy.

SAM: he's thinking of saying "I told you so."

JED: it was just a first draft. Toby will write the real thing.

AINSLEY: you shouldn't appear vindictive.

SAM: that's what I said.

AINSLEY: something statesmanlike.

JED: I've been statesmanlike this whole time. I wore a mask.

ABBY: I made you wear a mask.

JED: Dr. Bartlett made me wear a mask. and in statesmanlike fashion, I obeyed my wife.

CJ: where are you planning to place this statement?

JED: I don't know. I hear Chuck Grassley found a messenger pigeon.

TOBY: the pigeon was dead, sir.

JED: oh. well I suppose it's not very good at its job, then.

TOBY: about as good as the postal service these days, sir.

JED: where would you suggest placing the statement, CJ?

CJ: I could give it to Danny.

JED: isn't he retired?

CJ: semi-retired. he freelances.

JED: Danny, then. all right. we can give it to Danny. Ainsley, what should I say?

AINSLEY: should I bring George in on this?

JED: Conway? no. he's a nincompoop. blows this way and that with the wind.

TOBY: well said, sir.

JED: I want your opinion, Ainsley, not your bosses'.

AINSLEY: well, I think you should say that although you disagree on many things, you know what it's like to experience an illness in office.

JED: that's soft. you don't want me to be soft on the guy.

SAM: it's smart, sir. never interrupt your opponent when he's losing votes.

TOBY: he's not our opponent. we don't have an opponent. if we had an opponent, Josh would be on this call!

JED: good point. Toby, get Josh on the call.

CJ: sir, Josh is--

JED: In Portland, yes. they have phones in anarchist jurisdictions, right?

TOBY: he's in jail, sir.

JED: an actual jail?

TOBY: as opposed to what kind?

JED: I dont know. some sort of mock U.N. thing, for kids.

AINSLEY: please don't put anything about mock jails in the statement, Mr. President.

SAM: why didn't Josh call me? I should be his phone call.

TOBY: he called me.

SAM: I'm his attorney!

TOBY: well, maybe he doesn't want to get out of jail just yet.

JED: I can't still pardon him, can I?

TOBY: no, sir.

JED: God, I miss it sometimes.

CJ: the presidency, sir?

JED: just the part where I could tell all of you to shut up and make it stick.

JOSH: good evening, sir.

JED: I thought you were in jail.

JOSH: I am in jail, sir. what can I do for you?

CJ: while Toby and Sam were busy arguing about who Josh should have called, I called the jail and asked for Josh.

JED: Josh, should I make a statement or not?

JOSH: you should make one rip-roaring hell of a statement.

JED: should I say "I told you so?"

JOSH: did you tell him so?

JED: I tried. he wouldn't return my calls.

JOSH: then no, that's lying.

JED: and you're going to tell me I only get to do that while in office, I suppose.

CJ: what if you just send your well-wishes to the youngest one?

JED: the tall one?

CJ: is that a dig at me?

TOBY: he really is quite tall.

AINSLEY: he's a child, sir. don't bring him in.

JOSH: well-wishes are "bringing him in?"

AINSLEY: in a statement to the press? yes.

JED: I suppose you're right. I won't wish him well. in fact, I'll wish him nothing at all.

TOBY: you could say you're feeling fortunate to have been well-advised while in office by health experts, including the First Lady.

JOSH: that'll just bring up M.S. comparisons.

SAM: how about you don't say anything about him at all?

TOBY: make it about the American people.

SAM: in a time of crisis—

CJ: *snorts* it's not a crisis, it's the first good news this year.

SAM: in a time of great uncertainty...

TOBY: a time of yearning for stability...

SAM: ...a time when America, stuck in a beleaguered present, longs for a mythical past and a promised future...

TOBY: ...it is clearer now than ever that today's challenges shape tomorrow's opportunities.

SAM: ...as a nation, we grieve deeply together, and we rise together.

TOBY: and—bear with me, sir—today's unprecedented trials remind me that America has yet to keep her founding promises to her citizens.

SAM: liberty. equality. prosperity. for too many American families, these ideals remain out of reach.

TOBY: my time to lead has passed.

SAM: today, I am proud to follow a new generation—a rising force that fights for what it believes in.

JOSH: hey. still in jail for fighting for what I believe in over here.

ABBY: maybe you're an honorary youth?

TOBY: we're riffing. please don't interrupt when we're riffing.

ABBY: that's "please don't interrupt, DR. Bartlett."

TOBY: yes, ma'am.

JED: say something about my children. Zoe's doing such great work at that awful socialist rag.

SAM: I am inspired most of all by my daughters, fearless in their devotion to their values and their nation.

TOBY: my time in the oval office affords me a unique vantage point from which to observe today's trials and tribulations.

SAM: and what I've observed most keenly is the unquenchable spirit of human kindness.

TOBY: presidents don't save lives. nurses and teachers do.

SAM: so when you ask me if I think the country can survive this current crisis?

TOBY: I think a country is not so much defined by those with the most power, but by those with the least.

SAM: the real business of America takes place not in the Oval Office, but in classrooms.

TOBY: and on street corners, where too many Americans, too many veterans, sleep at night.

SAM: and in the streets, where our youth are proud to march together and call for change.

TOBY: I know my successor in the White House will receive the best medical care in the world.

SAM: I only hope that—with the leadership of more citizens, and fewer politicians—there will come a day when I can say the same of every single mother, every newborn child, and every senior citizen.

TOBY: add a God Bless America, and you're done.

JED: CJ, did you get all that?

CJ: huh?

ABBY: you really should see this video CJ is showing me. it's really something. you say *you* did that dance?

CJ: well, not quite like they do it.

JED: please tell me someone wrote all that down.

AINSLEY: I did, sir. on tape.

JED: of course. the republican.

JOSH: you can't record this. you're in a two-party state.

AINSLEY: relax, I'm joking. I just took notes. I'll type them up for you.

JED: should I add something in about voting?

CJ: sir, if anyone hasn't decided whether or not to vote by this time, you won't sway them.

JED: so that's it. that's the statement. no well-wishes, but no I-told-you-so.

TOBY: that's the statement.

JED: Zoe will ask why I didn't give it to her.

CJ: you can't give Jacobin an exclusive, sir.

JED: well why the hell not?

CJ: because I already texted Danny.

JED: fine. we'll give it to Danny. but if there's any followup, Zoe gets it.

JOSH: you just called her publication a "socialist rag."

JED: and? she may be redder than a baboon's behind, but she's my daughter.

ABBY: Jed!

AINSLEY: it's okay, Ma'am. Presidents are coarse now.

JED: see? even the republican is on my side.

AINSLEY: we have very few decent sides to be on these days, sir.

JED: give that nutter Conway my regards. and trip his wife down the stairs for me, will you?

TOBY: you'll send CJ the final language?

AINSLEY: already did.

JED: excellent. now, if there's nothing else to do, I'm going back to bed.

SAM: sir, Josh is still in jail.

JED: call a nurse or a teacher to get him out. politicians and intellectuals are passé.

ABBY: wait! CJ, don't hang up. I need to know how to get one of these leotards.

CJ: planning to learn the WAP, ma'am?

JED: good-NIGHT everyone. *hangs up phone*

ABBY: I wasn't done!

JED: you don't secretly hate Christmas or anything, do you?

ABBY: You know I love Christmas.

JED: Let's go upstairs, Dr. Bartlett.

ABBY: Lead the way, Mr. President.