Grant Profile picture
16 Oct, 12 tweets, 1 min read
North and South are going to fight. North will win especially if it’s winter, we’re tougher. You can even fetch your Dads, we aren’t arsed.
We’ll be a cohesive unit too as we talk to each other. You southerners will just run about like headless chickens, on your own. You’ll just get picked off and we’ll eat you and make lampshades out of your skin.
We’d strike at night by stealth, we’d smell your cauldrons of couscous and Jo Malone candles while we are fuelled on roadkill and acorns.
We are going to sneak down in our fake Uggs and breathe through your letterboxes.
Our Whippets will come down and shag your Lhasa Apso’s.
We’ll have Sean Beans head fashioned from coal held aloft whilst we shout “BASTARD” every 100 yards. 👊👊👊👊👊
At the end of the war I’ll be like Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now, living on an old coal heap and you southerners will send Danny Dyer to kill me with a spatula from Waitrose. 👊👊👊
We’ll sneak in and cut your manbuns off while your paying a fiver for cornflakes sat on a beanbag.
Also Southerners, put your playing out clothes on because we are going to be rolling about.
In spite of us now being at war I’m most impressed with the good natured banter from both sides. Bravo to all. Right, back to war 👊
We’ll sneak in and cut your manbuns off while your paying a fiver for cornflakes sat on a beanbag.
Also, whoever holds our flat caps while we are rolling about make sure you don’t get them mixed up, that’s how nits get round.

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