I was supposed to work today but I have a sinus infection? I can't sleep because I have to be ready to answer the door for Reasons, so I'm going to do another #AnaWatches.
#AnaWatches It's tricky finding just the right movies for this sort of thing because I want something bad but, like, an actual movie that *tried* and wasn't just a parody like Sharknado. Not that I dislike Sharknado, by any means.
#AnaWatches I was going to try another movie about the Countess Bathory but alas the only other movie about her on Amazon isn't Prime-free. I would've expected more movies about her, to be honest.
#AnaWatches So for now it's back to bad monster movies in honor of October. This one is called THE BREED. "A group of five college kids are forced to match wits with unwelcoming residents when they fly to a 'deserted' island for a party weekend."
#AnaWatches I hope "match wits" means a really intense and high-stakes game of chess. Oh please, oh please.
#AnaWatches Sorry, brb. I have to take this call.
#AnaWatches Credits tell me that this is a Wes Craven production with Michelle Rodriguez, which is immediately WAY higher production and cast values than I expected for an Amazon Prime movie. Usually it's eastern European actors I've never seen before.
#AnaWatches Okay, but this has that dubbed eastern European *feel*, so that's nice. The blondest couple in the world lounge on a boat and talk about being lost and drunk until they find a creepy island. The girl goes off alone, as one does on a deserted creepy island.
#AnaWatches Blond Girl is instantly dragged off by blur-doggos while her boyfriend futzes about on the boat. Mild gore. Smash cut to a plane and our actual group of protagonists-slash-chewtoys.
#AnaWatches They are a diverse group of college students. Michelle is dating the serious pre-med white guy who complains that he needs to study over party weekend. He and his brother are trust fund babies who, I guess, own Werewolf Island.
#AnaWatches They're that special sort of Hollywood college kids that look in their 30s, claim to be in their 20s, and act like they're in their early teens. First: a dark basement in an attempt to get electricity to the cabin.
#AnaWatches Some drama is alluded to wherein the oldest brother is upset that Michelle is dating the youngest brother because Michelle dated the oldest brother "ten years ago". So when she was 10 or 11? Good grief.
#AnaWatches The kids play at drinking, ziplining, hammocking, and so forth before finding a 9-week-old puppy that charms them all with its cute puppyness. They assume he was abandoned by a boater.
#AnaWatches I'm trying not to be annoyed at how bad these people are with dogs. They just want to cuddle him and aren't letting him run and play. He's a baby! He needs play!
#AnaWatches Welp, the (new) Blond Girl who looks significantly older than the rest of the group has been bitten by a doggo. I assume she either has rabies or is a werewolf now.
#AnaWatches Pre-Med Younger Brother wants to take her back to the mainland for rabies shots but Dickhead Older Brother convinces her she can wait a few days and not to spoil the party.
#AnaWatches In bed, Pre-Med confesses to Michelle that there used to be a dog training facility on the island and that a few years ago all the dogs had to be put down as rabid. But those dogs couldn't be *these* dogs because rabies would've killed them a long time ago.
#AnaWatches Blond Girl kisses and kiss-bites Dickhead Older Brother, so I assume he's a werewolf now too. At breakfast, she's ravenous and eating everything at the table. No one considers this odd, because of course.
#AnaWatches The boys go hunting with a bow and arrow, and notice there's no wildlife on the island. No birds, etc. Oh holy shit! The blond guy from the opening shows up, covered in blood, and says "the dogs don't want you here" before being mauled by three of them.
#AnaWatches I can't enough stress that all these dogs are just normal dogs. The kids run back to the cabin and dogs attack Michelle. Older Brother fires an arrow at the dog and pierces Michelle's leg, but the dogs run off. Pyrrhic victory, I guess. She takes it well.
#AnaWatches Pre-Med says these dogs are acting like they're rabid but that it doesn't make sense because they should be dead. A dog explodes through the window to attack the Black Friend, who survives without a scratch to my complete surprise.
#AnaWatches Dogs have taken the dock where the water-plane was parked. They have chewed through the anchoring rope. The plane is floating away. Drums, drums in the deep.
#AnaWatches HAHAHAHAHA, Older Brother swims to the plane to retrieve it but there are dogs waiting on the wing of the plane. They dive into the water to chase him.
#AnaWatches The kids run back to the cabin. (The two girls are doing well given that they've been bitten and arrow'd, respectively.) They nail up wood to zombie-proof the windows. I want this entire movie re-made with cats.
#AnaWatches Michelle zip-lines from the house to the garage (which has a car that works after years of neglect) so they can drive to the other side of the island and call for help from the facility that made these NuRabies dogs. Cool plan, yes.
#AnaWatches Unfortunately, the elderly car doesn't work and she has to climb through the sun roof to escape the doggos. They only just manage to zip-line her back to the house, so that was a monumental waste of time.
#AnaWatches At night, the cabin electricity goes out. IS IT DOGGOS? The Black man goes down to the basement and dies first. The remaining four flee to the attic. Pre-Med is bitten. They haul the attic ladder up while Good Doggies look quizzically up at them.
#AnaWatches I cannot stress how WEIRD it is to watch what is essentially a standard zombie movie premise but the zombies are perfectly ordinary puppies. Why don't we do this more often? Cats. Pandas. Koalas. Give me a zombie koala movie.
#AnaWatches I need you to understand that these boys are the most foolish fuckers I've ever seen. Somehow they get the car working, which the dogs are alternately afraid of or attacking, depending on the scene.
#AnaWatches The bitten Blond Girl has some kind of magic eye contact power over the dogs, but gets herself impaled on a child's merry-go-round. Mild gore. Dogs instantly show up to attack and/or eat her corpse. The music jangles menacingly.
#AnaWatches The trio explore the "seeing eye dog facility" and deduce that the dogs were being genetically experimented on. Pre-Med grapples with his likely impending death from being bitten. Older Brother works to hook up a cell phone to a radio tower.
#AnaWatches Older Brother has electrocuted himself and gotten flung off the radio tower. Now he is being menaced by doggos. I idly wonder how many zombie movies Michelle Rodriquez has been in, really. More or less than 7?
#AnaWatches Michelle is about to perish in an electrical fire. Oh. Apparently they can ALL hypnotize dogs with direct eye contact and that's just a Dog Thing and nothing to do with magical bite powers. I am skeptical.
#AnaWatches Both the boys have been bitten. They and Michelle make it to the boat from the beginning, and speculate that surely a doctor can "cure" them from...whatever they have. There's literally no symptoms, so good luck with that I guess!
#AnaWatches They open the cabin door to "get some sleep" and DOGS SPRING OUT. Smash cut to credits. So it basically was Sharknado after all, but with perfectly ordinary dogs. I feel cheated.
#AnaWatches I'm inclined to agree that this was probably supposed to be an actual zombie movie but then they ran out of money and just used the actors' dogs instead. Like, they aren't even scary dogs, just regular doggos.
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More from @AnaMardoll

16 Oct
I have a lot of feelings about how one terrible person has so shaped our popular culture.
Things like how capital-T Trump has changed my feelings about the use of the lowercase-t trump word. I'll obsessively reword sentences to try to avoid the word.
Or we'll be watching an older movie like BACK TO THE FUTURE or SUPER MARIO BROS and Kissmate will be like "is this villain Trump??" and I'll explain how many 80s villains were deliberately modeled after the celebrity. (@AlexandraErin has talked about this!)
Read 5 tweets
16 Oct
Having some sick and sad feelings this week about my bio family.
One of the things we ask in text banking is if folks could reach out to a few friends and family to remind THEM to vote. I was a little surprised by the question.
Because my family are all- well, we'll get there, and I don't have a lot of In Person friends because my disability hinders my social life. But a LOT of the people I've texted are very responsive to the question.
Read 9 tweets
16 Oct
We're watching the ABC town hall and I'm already annoyed at ABC for treating the vote and ensuing years like an exciting adventure they're covering breathlessly. This isn't sportsball, you assholes.
First question is about covid. Biden frames Trump hiding important facts from the community as cowardice and panic, which feels clever: turn around that "strongman" image Trump likes to project.
Stephanopoulos wants to pin Biden down on a lockdown yes/no. Biden is laying out guidance, money, protections, and George just wants a simplistic yes/no soundbite. SIGH.
Read 78 tweets
15 Oct
Text-banking is fun but you get the occasional MAGA jerk and phew.
Like, on the one hand they're nothing compared to twitter trolls. But on the other hand, the woman who just gloated at me that she's going to take away my reproductive rights was... I needed a minute to breathe.
My "favorite" are the men who threaten to vote for Trump if "ya'll don't stop texting me" when there are multiple Get Out The Vote campaigns going on. Sorry our reproductive rights are blowing up your phone, Bob.
Read 6 tweets
15 Oct
Alright. I'm waiting for the text-bank to open, so it's time for an #AnaWatches a shitty Amazon Prime movie.
#AnaWatches This one is called THE BLOOD QUEEN. "Based on the story of Countess Bathory, a serial killer in 16th century Transylvania who supposedly killed hundreds. Yet, nobody knows of the terrible crimes being committed in the castle of the famous royalty." Nobody, huh?
#AnaWatches In addition to the movie summary, we get a wall of text when the movie opens: "What you are about to see is based on the true accounts of Countess Bathory, suspected of being one of the most prolific serial killers of all time. Immensely powerful,
Read 78 tweets
15 Oct
OUTSIDE IS GOOD FOR COVID BECAUSE

1. COVID HATES HEAT

2. COVID HATES WIND

WHEN HEAT AND WIND IS GONE, "OUTSIDE" IS POINTLESS

My god, I really did live my entire life thinking that Dark Ages people were different from us for believing they could stop plagues with magic, and here we are.

People think "outside" is a magical charm against covid!
"but my 1500-attendees superspreader event was OUTSIDE, I don't understand"
Read 4 tweets

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