byuu Profile picture
16 Oct, 15 tweets, 4 min read
We talk a lot about ADHD, but we mostly speak of its effects on attention and the rare gift of hyperfocus. What we leave out is the emotional dysregulation it causes. Having been criticized by everyone my entire life, I internalized blaming myself, even for what other people did.
As a coping mechanism, I've always tried desperately to fit in and act like the people around me, worried that I'd lose friends or make enemies if I didn't. It became so natural to me that I barely even know who I am anymore. And yet, it never worked anyway.
I would try so hard to do what other people wanted, that I set aside the things *I* wanted to do, hoping in vain it would stop the pain: but it never did. The latest example was trying to emulate the N64. I have no interest in that system, I never did.
Some of this was legitimately my fault: it was easy to get carried away and push too passionately for whatever it was that actually interested me. I would get way too worked up over file formats or whatever have you. I'm not saying I don't have myself to work on here, however ...
What I've come to understand is RSD isn't caused by having ADHD: it's caused by how we are treated. Do this to a neurotypical person and you'd get the same result. I can't tell you why, and I can't say it'll keep working, but *for me*, *for now*, an alpha-agonist changed my life.
The thing about people who hurt others is that they were hurt too. They internalized their experiences and project that onto others. It spreads like a disease. The people doing this also have ASD/ADHD. That's not projecting, I found it for myself first-hand in speaking with them.
The thing about staring into abysses is it becomes a real possibility you may get lost in it yourself. We're responsible for our own actions even if we had a tragic past. To deny that is to reject free will. If you want to act like a shitty person, then that's just what you are.
I'm well aware no one wants a re-translation of a game that's been available in high quality in English for 20 years already. I put off doing this for far too long to put others first, but I don't care anymore. I finished the emulator I wanted with bsnes v115. Now I want this.
I'm going to finish what I set out to do from the very beginning. I'm not going to spend my forties filled with regrets. When it's finished, I'm moving on from "byuu". I'll keep in contact with friends this time, but frankly *fuck* having a following online. It's not worth it.
I never asked for that, but a lifetime combination of intense passion and people-pleasing resulted in that outcome. Most of you will never understand what it's like, the grass is always greener, but I can tell you firsthand, it's a nightmare. Through and through. I *hate* it.
When you're no one, you can be honest, you can speak your mind. People will take you at your word, and a bad day will be just that. When you're well known, people project their image of you on top of you, and you won't convince them otherwise. A bad day will follow you for life.
I can't tell you how utterly surreal it is to find people I've never heard of, let alone spoken to, who have just the most intensely passionate opinions about me, that aren't anything like who I actually am. It's creepy, and I find it deeply unsettling. I won't miss that one bit.
I know this goes without saying, and I know hearing it doesn't make it any easier to do, but seriously: don't read what other people are saying about you. It's self harm. No, you're not above it. No, you're not the gifted exception that can separate bad faith from good advice.
It will fucking eat you alive if you let it. It will destroy your self-worth and leave you shaking uncontrollably in bed at night. Stay the fuck away from it.
When you try so hard to be who others want you to be, when those others dislike the things that make you you, is it really any surprise then that the result is you stop liking yourself? Just like they did? Do you want to become just like those people who hurt you?

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More from @byuu_san

18 Oct
Speaking of things I never thought I'd do, it seems like I just accidentally created furry drama. A new low. Whatever, I can't escape my past by becoming a better person, why should anyone else get that luxury? I'm done being nice. Let the pieces fall where they will.
Yeah, I know who went after me. You're not as anonymous or clever as you think you all are. I believe he's a better person now. I've forgiven him and I honestly didn't intend for it to get out. Just keep in mind that if you bother him for it, you're no better than he was then.
He was someone that was hurt the same way too, and that's where he let it take him. Hate just begets more hate. The pain only stops when you break the cycle. Most trolls probably won't figure that out until their 30s. Some of them never will.
Read 6 tweets
17 Oct
Seems the thread about RSD resonated beyond my circle. It took me by surprise when I found out about it too, a lot of puzzle pieces fell into place. Here's the original article, for what it's worth: chadd.org/wp-content/upl…
RSD isn't in the DSM yet, but it's just as valid still.
If it sounds like you too, the good news is, it's treatable. But there's a valid question to be asked when it comes to changing yourself: is it worth it? I may have been too sensitive, but I wasn't displeased with caring more about my friends than about myself. And yet here I am.
There's always a balance to life. You may tip the scales in the wrong direction and go from being too selfless to being too selfish. I don't know. If I could've released Bahamut Lagoon anonymously without it being obvious it was me, I would have. But that was always impossible.
Read 6 tweets
16 Oct
Oh, the protagonist naming is just me being silly to test something: to support "Thunderhawk", "Salamander", "Ice Dragon" and "Fahrenheit" I needed to fit 11 letters into 8 bytes in SRAM. I could have just expanded SRAM and moved the names elsewhere but where's the fun in that?
Instead I'm using base56 encoding. Only the SNES isn't capable of 64-bit division and modulo by 56. So to implement that I divide by 8 and then, as always, use lookup tables to divide by 7 after that. Credit to blargg for helping me optimize those tables ... 12 years ago ^-^;
The double buffering to prevent tile flickering was more fun. You need a *lot* of VRAM space to create *two* full screens full of 8x8 text and numbers. I rearranged the VRAM of the menu system to free up additional space for that one. But the battle fields were much harder.
Read 6 tweets

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