ju Profile picture
17 Oct, 96 tweets, 17 min read
not to be this person but i would love to read a modern setting fanfic where lwj is the one dealing with depression, anxiety, and having an abandonment complex. not because it would be "fun", but because lwj never understood why his mother died, then his father, and-
why the only friend he ever had - ever loved - disappeared for years, without saying goodbye.

how his brother convinced him to start therapy and lwj goes, but he simply don't talk about anything at all. he just stares his therapist and answer a few questions.
how he's dealing with severe ocd and every single day he does the same things for fear of doing something different and messing things up - maybe losing another thing? another person? - and how he lives with a methodical routine. and how empty he feels...
how he's always anxious because he doesn't want others to notice his feelings, especially his uncle, and how he's always trying to give his best and "be perfect" so his uncle won't ask, won't worry

how he's used to being alone, but that doesn't mean he likes it
(loneliness is the only thing he always had and that never abandoned him)
and one day, the only day he allows himself to change his routine a little (because his therapist advised him to make a small change - a big challenge); he decides to go to the farm market on a weekday, not on a sunday, like always.

it's cold because it's almost christmas
kids are running everywhere with their small colorful coats and scarves, couples are walking holding halds protected by matching gloves and it's a overwhelming.

lwj shouldn't be there. he's not used to noise. he's not used to people.
his hands are shaking but he couldn't even blame the cold. he wants to go home.

he's sure his therapist will understand.

and when he's about to leave, he feels small chubby hands grabbing his legs and a pair of huge innocent eyes staring at him.

"gege?"
oh no.

no no. no, no.

lwj doesn't want to freak out but this situation is just- he is sure that his oxygen is not circulating to his brain as it should.

but he can't freak out. scaring the child is not an option. it's not fair.

"gege okay?"
the child asks, noticing that something is wrong even if he's so young. how old must he be? 2?

"gege come here" shaking a hand, the child asks him to kneel and his knees are thankful, shaking even when they rest on the floor.

the little boy stares at him again, in silence.
and suddenly, lwj feels a chubby hand on his hair, petting his head clumsily.

"gege lost too?" the child asks but talking. "don't worry. i found gege and won't let gege alone until gege is okay"

lwj can't talk. he doesn't know what to talk so he just stares, in silence.
for a few seconds, the child just pets his hair and let lwj breathe. when he finally understand the situation, he asks:

"where are you parents?"

"in the sky" the kid answers, "stars" like it makes sense. "where are gege's parents?"

lwj can't breathe again.

"in the sky, too."
the child is so small - so, so small -, but he seems to understand what lwj is saying.

"are you with an adult?"

"yes"

"can you tell me their name?"

and, before the child could open his mouth again, they heard someone calling "A-YUAN!"
in a few seconds, a pretty woman is holding a-yuan close to her, looking relieved.

"never do that again! you almost gave me a heart attack"

"sorry mian-laoshi" the kid, a-yuan, doesn't seem to be sorry at all. "wanted bean cake"

finally, "mian-laoshi" seems to notice lwj
"i'm so sorry for this inconvenience," she says. "and thank you for keeping him here"

"hm" the anxiety is back. mian-laoshi smiles to a-yuan, kissing his forehead.

"it's so hard to convince the orphanage to let me take the kids out for a few hours. i think a-yuan got excited."
"the orphanage?" lwj got a susprised with himself when the words left his mouth.

"ah, yes" mian-laoshi replies, still checking a-yuan to see if he's okay. "he's an orphan. i'm here with my girlfriend, we are volunteers there."

"oh"

"but thank you again for finding him"
"i found gege" a-yuan replies, smiling. "gege was lost. a-yuan found him"

"that's very nice of you, a-yuan, but you can not go talk to strangers just because they seem to be lost, ok?" mian-laoshi says and lwj humma, agreeing.

"okay" a-yuan smiles. "can i have bean cake?"
mian-laoshi sighs. "we can't buy you a bean cake or we'll have to buy bean cakes for all your friends."

"i can," lwj's mouth once again betrayed him "buy bean cakes. for him and his colleagues"

"oh? you don't need to, though"

"i insist"

"thank you gege!!!" a-yuan is smiling
again and lwj decides that he would buy as many bean cakes as he could to make the kid never stop smiling in his life.

minutes later, when his anxiety is still making him dizzy, he says a silent goodbye to a-yuan, mian-laoshi, his girlfriend and to a few other happy kids.
(he only leaves after writing down the name of the orphanage and the contact number)
his brother doesn't know what to say, one day before christmas, when lwj asks for his help to buy toys and kids clothes.

lxc also doesn't know what to say when lwj asks him what kids like to eat.

lxc is completely speechless when lwj tells him that he wants to be a volunteer in
an orphanage.

"didi", lxc said, smiling as always. "have you talked to your therapist about it?"

"yes. he said it could be good for me."

that was enough to make lxc truly smiles and sit on the sofa with his brother, checking the toys he was about to buy.
the thing is: it wasn't easy - talking. with kids or adults. sharing the same space with them. not knowing what they were thinking or feeling or anything in general.

but a-yuan smiled so bright when he saw him. but a-yuan ran in his direction. but a-yuan was happy to see him.
"gege found me", a-yuan cheered, "just like a-yuan found gege"

and, somehow, it was worth it.

his hands were still shaking when he patted a-yuan's head. his heart was still racing when he gave his hand to a-yuan to hold. his body was still weak when he hold him in his lap.
but it was worth it.
days later, lwj told his therapist that he now had a reason to get better. it was the first time in years that lwj said more than 10 words in a therapy section.

"and what's the reason?"

"a kid found me" lwj said, decided. "and i want to adopt him, someday."
when a-yuan was about to turn 3, lwj decided that it was time to start the adoption process.

he was getting better, really.

it was still hard - he knew it would always be hard - to fight against everything, but now he was seeing a psychiatrist too.
his brother was also helping - sometimes he would go out with him, or go have dinner at his house when his brother's friends were there. he was trying, doing his best, because he had something to fight for.

when a-yuan turned 3, lwj gave him a birthday gift, a cute rabbit teddy
bear and when a-yuan hugged it tight and hugged lwj right after, lwj looked into his eyes, like he was talking to an adult, and said:

"a-yuan, i found you"

"yes gege, i know" a-yuan giggled

"and i would like to keep you" lwj told him, warmly. "would you like to keep me too?"
"keep you?"

"yes" lwj's voice was controlled, but he could feel his hands sweating. "a-yuan's going to keep his bunny, right?"

"yes" the kid hugged his new friend even tighter. "forever"

"i want to keep a-yuan forever too. if you want, i want to be your baba"
lwj wasn't expecting for tears. when a-yuan hugged him and cried in his arms, lwj felt like the world could end right now but he would keep holding that little boy in his arms - he would keep him safe no matter what.
when lwj hired a lawyer to start the adoption process, he felt anxiety creeping in his skin when he was told that they would have to talk to a social worker to discuss everything better and lwj was thankful that he had a few days to get ready.
he wasn't ready, though, when they entered the social worker's office and lwj saw, after years, wei wuxian standing there.

it took wwx less than 2 seconds to whisper:

"lan zhan?"
and oh.

lwj couldn't feel his legs or his hands. his entire body collapsed and god, when he felt wwx's hands on him, holding him, his brain shut out.

"lan zhan," wwx repeated, voice worried and warm - so, so warm - "can you please go grab a cup of water?" he said, probably
to lwj's lawyer. "you're okay, shhh, i got you" wwx whispered, still holding him.

for long minutes, lwj couldn't move - if his legs moved to sit on the sofa or if his mouth moves to drink the water that his lawyer offered to him, he couldn't remember
the only thing his brain could remember was wwx's hands on his back, trying to calm him. wwx's voice calling his name. wwx's presence, warmth, smell, voice.

(weiyingweiyingweiyingweiying)

"lan zhan," wwx said softly. "are you here with me?" yes. always wei ying.
after a few more minutes, he finally found his voice to reply: "wei ying"

and oh, there it was. wei wuxian's smile.

"hi, lan zhan"

lwj could hear wwx explaining to his lawyer that they knew each other, that they were friends for many years but it's been a while - more than
a decade - since they last saw each other.

lwj stayed in silence (what could he possibly say?) enjoying wwx's hand on his back. it was hard to say that he was feeling better when wwx asked because wwx moved his hand away and they finally sat down to talk.
after discussing important things, his lawyer was ready to leave but lwj's legs betrayed him. wwx noticed and, smiling, he said:

"i would like to talk a little bit more with your client, if you don't mind"

and, when they were finally alone, lwj couldn't hold back his tears.
it was new to him... crying. lwj could remember crying when his mother died, but that was his only memory of crying until then

wwx was holding him again in an awkward position. lwj was still sitting when wwx's arms held him close and gently, like he was made of porcelain
"i'm sorry" wwx whispered, brushing lwj's hair with his fingers. "for hurting you like this"

lwj couldn't talk again. he tried. he tried to say that he would never blame wwx, that he didn't need to say sorry.

but all he could do waa cry until he was sobbing against wwx's chest
"where have you been?" it was the first thing that lwj found himself saying. "couldn't find wei ying. tried looking everywhere"

"ah lan zhan," lwj was sure that wwx was also crying. his voice was small and muffled. "you silly, sweet man" he whispered "why would you look for me?"
because you were my best friend.

because you made me happy.

because i loved you.
"i cared about wei wing", he whispers, "still care. will always care"

"aw lan zhan," wwx sobbed. "i know you probably won't believe me, but i tried looking for you, too. but you're untraceable. i found your brother but it was impossible to arrange a meeting with him, you know"
what?

wei ying looked for him? when?

"his secretary was tired of turning me down. apparently trying to get his brother's contact wasn't an important topic for a meeting"

lwj couldn't breathe again

"when?" he whispered "when wei ying tried-"
"oh, it's been a few years, already. 3, i think. i tried for a year and a half, and then his secretary probably blocked my number."

three years

"where were wei ying all this time?" breathless, with his hands sweating and shaking, lwj asked.
lwj was never a person who would ask, who would demand an answer, but he needed to know. he needed.

"lan zhan", wwx sighed, petting his head. "i can tell you everything, but not now. we're a mess and i would love to talk to you when we're not crying our hearts out."
no. lwj wants to say. not leaving until we talk. not leaving you. not leaving.

but wei ying is right and it's not the time for being stubborn. he's feeling so tired.

"don't want to leave" he confess. "i'm afraid wei ying will disappear"

wwx holds his face in his hands,
and for a second lwj forgets that he never let anyone hold him like that.

only wei ying. him, only.

"silly", wwx and his sweet smiles, melting lwj's worries away. "i won't run away. you know where i work now" he winks. "and i can also give you my number"
when lwj arrives at his home, he spends the entire night staring at his phone.

❤️ Wei Ying ❤️

that's how wwx saved his own name on lwj's phone. two red hearts.

funny how lwj heart is feeling full of warmth again, after years being an empty cocoon.
when lwj wakes up in the next morning feeling like he just had a fever dream, he starts his routine. brush his teeth, drink tea, go for a run, take a shower, eat breakfast

his brain an body on automatic

so when he checks his phone for the first time in the day and sees a
❤️ Wei Ying ❤️

[07:58]
'morning zhanzhan
ugh so early
at least its friday already
hope u have a good day ❤️❤️❤️
text me when u can so we can set a date to talk, wdyt?
*bunny sending a kiss sticker*

[08:11]
lan zhan, i missed you
he cries again. for minutes straight.
he shouldn't tell his brother about wei ying already, because he knows how his brother wouldn't feel delighted knowing that wwx is, somehow, back to his life, but when lwj meets with lxc to have lunch, he tells him everything and lxc doesn't even smile.
"wangji," lxc says, serious like never before. "i know you're an adult and you can make your own choices, but i would like you to take care of yourself first. we know you can be really,"

auto-destructive

irresponsible

hopeful

blind

"fragile when it comes to wei wuxian"
"and you are finally" getting better, lxc wants to say, but he doesn't "happy now that you have a-yuan"

lwj is, indeed, happy because of a-yuan

but lwj also couldn't remember when it was the last time he felt so overwhelmed with joy that he felt... alive. happy for existing.
"brother" lwj says, firmly. "i know you worry about me and that i gave you reasons to do so. but i know that you trust me. so please, trust me now."

lxc smiles, but just a little.

"i worry but only because i know that you love with your entire heart and soul, didi."
"i worry because i don't want to see both suffering again", lxc is honest and, because for the first time in years lwj is feeling that his heart is in peace, he smiles to his brother, a beautiful and sincere smile.

"you are a good brother" lwj says. "i'm lucky"

lxc cries, too
wwx arrived at lwj's apartment with two pizzas on saturday night

on saturday's night, lwj always have sesame noodles with vegetable spring rolls for dinner. he always watch a video of shen yun symphony after washing the dishes, read a book before going to bed and sleep early.
always. but not on that saturday night.

"i brought broccoli and mushrooms pizza. i'm sure you're still a vegetarian, but the mushroom pizza has vegan cheese because maybe you're a vegan now" wwx says, smiling, and oh!

there it is.

the... feeling. of someone taking care of him.
when they eat, they don't talk. wwx is happy with the silence, because lwj is sure he's also thinking about what to say next.

it's not an awkward silence. it's just two people enjoying each other presence after so long. two souls reconnecting and being glad for being together.
"you know," wwx is the first to say something after washing the dishes, "when i left," there's sadness in his eyes "i wrote you a letter explaining everything. i was going to give it to you after our graduation party, but then-"

then we kiss in our empty dorm
then you hold me the entire night in a bed without sheets, when we should be celebrating with our colleagues that uni was finally over

then you kissed me and i kissed you

and we kissed and kissed and kissed

and then you woke up alone
(then i left you)

"and then," wwx tried again "i couldn't give it to you in person and i left it behind. i thought you would find it, maybe you did-"

"i didn't"

"oh" wwx is breathing heavily. "i left it in the dresser. i thought you would see it..."
lwj couldn't say to wwx that he didn't see it because he left the room immediately, looking for wwx. that he wouldn't be able to go back to their dorm only to find it completely empty.

"what did you wrote?" lwj whispered, not knowing how to control his heart anymore.
"i wrote that i loved you" he confessed in a whisper. "that i loved you so much that i kept forgetting that i had dreams, that i had to leave. that if i told you that my heart was yours, i wouldn't ever be able to leave your side again, but i had to, lan zhan"

oh.
"i won a scholarship to do my masters in the us, and after that, i've joined unicef and traveled to a few countries to learn and help children in need."

oh.

"i tried to contact you when i was away, i even asked my siblings to look for you, but you were always ... unreachable"
"and when i came back, the first thing that i did was looking for you. i still didn't have a place to live, a job, anything, but i had to find you. i had to find you to say that i was sorry. that i missed you so much that i was living my life asking myself what if..."
"what if...?" lwj repeated, breathless.

"what if i never left? would we be together, today? maybe married? maybe adopting a child together? maybe you would kiss me goodbye before leaving for work, maybe you would be used to spicy food today, maybe i would..."
wwx smiled. a sad smile.

"maybe i would be happy today."

in a normal saturday night, lwj would be reading "norwegian wood" or "the well of loneliness" now, while drinking his tea.

in a normal saturday night, lwj would be alone, buried in silence, like always.
but on that saturday night, lwj wasn't buried in silence - lwj was buried in wwx's arms, just like wwx's was buried in his.

it was silence, but not completely. he could hear wwx's heart beating against his chest, wwx's ragged breath against his ear, wwx's shaken sighs...
"i'm sorry zhanzhan" wwx whispered again, just like two days before, and lwj sighed loudly against his neck.

"no need", lwj he felt the air returning to his lungs as a child finding their way home after a long day of school. "i'm happy that wei ying is here now"

"you are?"
never been happier before.

please hold me until we can't feel our arms.

"yes"

let's live all your 'maybes'

let's wake up every morning just to find ourselves in each other embrace over and over again.

"i'm happy, too"
a few days later, wwx let lwj know that he won't be his social worker anymore because it would be unprofessional of him to be the one guiding lwj, not to mention that he wouldn't be impartial.

xiao xingchen is nice and polite. he does his best to explain everything to lwj.
after meeting xiao xingchen for the first time, wwx takes lwj out to a small café on a thursday afternoon.

(he holds lwj hands when he notices that they are shaking a bit - going out is never easy, but he's getting better in dealing with people)
"you know," wwx says after finishing his (extra sweet) coffee, and lwj could see his cheeks blushing indiscreetly, "i'm glad that i'm not working with your process anymore"

"why?"

"because it could confuse a-yuan knowing that his social worker is dating his baba"
lwj chocked, almost dropping his tea

wwx is blushing so hard and beautifully that it takes lwj a few seconds to remember how to breathe.

"hm", he says, a small smile on his lips "wei ying is right. it could be confusing"

the smile he received made him forget to breathe again
and here's the thing

lwj had a routine. wake up, brush his teeth, drink tea, go for a running, take a shower, have breakfast and go to work.

on monday's he had sichuan fried for dinner and would play guqin until 8pm

tuesday's are therapy and vegetables dumplings day
wednesday's are dinner days at uncle's

thursday's are psychiatrist, vegetable fried rice and going for another late run day

friday's are "lunch with brother", mapo tofu, watching a documentary day

saturdays you know already

and sunday's are for resting, reading and shopping
i mean, things were like that for years, until wei ying and a-yuan (now, lan sizhui ) appear like hurricanes in a desert field

tuesday are still therapy days, he still have dinner with his uncle and brother on wednesdays, but now there aren't 3 chairs at the table, but 5 instead
thursday is still a psychiatrist's day, but it's also dinner day with wei ying's siblings and oh, jiang yanli is always smiling when jin ling, her chubby toddler, cries when he's not being hugged by sizhui, and she's also smiling when jiang cheng and wei ying are
bickering for some silly reason. jiang yanli's husband is not always there, because sometimes he's traveling, but when he is, jiang cheng and wei ying stop fighting with each other to fight with zixuan and when jiang yanli laughs, lan wangji finds himself laughing a little too
friday he still have lunch with his brother but now sometimes they have a double date. wei ying is there holding his hand under the table while jin guangyao is smiling at lxc like he just gave him the moon and stars

sizhui's in charge of choosing the friday dinner
(they always have bean cake for dessert)
the house - their house - is tidy, most days. sizhui's an organized child, but sometimes he's so exhausted that he forgets his crayons on the table or a few puzzle pieces on the floor

(but he never forgets his stuffed bunny, the one lwj gave to him, since it's always with him)
but wei ying is definitely not an organized person, even when he tries. lwj still feel anxious sometimes when he finds dark clothes mixed with white clothes in the washing machine, or when there are dirty dishes accumulated in the sink, but wwx's trying his best
and some things that usually would make him anxious, make him happy now

wwx's shampoo on the bathroom floor, wwx's books stacked in a corned of their bedroom, wwx's socks with holes mixed with his new socks, wwx's doubtfully red peppers in the fridge, wwx presence in general
and sunday's are still farm market day, but now he never goes alone.

wei ying is always there holding his hand and trying to convince him to buy more spices, "this pepper is from thailand, zhanzhan!" and sizhui is always there, holding his other hand because now he's a big boy
and he doesn't need to be carried all the time (but he still asks his baba to carry him after lunch, when he's full and sleepy)

"i found baba here" sizhui explains to a shushu, who have a free bean cake to him, "and baba found a-die" he smiles. "baba says we found happiness"
wei ying laughs by his side and pets sizhui's hair with so much love that lwj can't control his smile

the shushu is so mesmerized by the story that she gives more free bean cakes to him and sizhui giggles all the way back home

"i'm happy" he says, before dozing in the car
and after lwj putting sizhui to sleep in his room, he found warmth in the house that is his husband's arms, listening to him breathe calmly before saying:

"you know," he kisses lwj forehead, cheeks, eyelids, nose, mouth "you two make me very happy, too"

he loves him. so much.
he still have bad days and bad moments, but now he knows he has his husband's embrace waiting for him whenever he needs and his son's toothless smile to remember him that now he have reasons to wake up every morning and try, exist, be alive
and someday in the future, lan wangji will realize that he doesn't remember how loneliness feels anymore

he is happy

and he is loved

the end.
hi!! oh! i wasn't expecting for this but uhh thank you for reading! if you want to read my other stories, i have two aus!!

this one is ongoing
also, if any writer wants to write a story based on this thread, i would be delighted!!!

thank you for reading my silly story 💛

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