Thread by @DanielDWilliam

There are many ways to leave the White House; with dignity, without, under a cloud, under investigation, with a pardon or just doing a bunk.

In this thread I'll be exploring the #50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

that are open to the President-De-elect.

1) The Donald OJ Trump; you exit in a slow moving cavalcade, part escape, part hostage situation, part a festival of remembrance of your former glory and cause a *major* tailback on the I-295. There are more media helicopters than police choppers and it sounds like Saigon 1975.

2) The Donald John Stonehouse; you fake your own death by drowning by jumping in to the sea at Miami and swimming to Australia. You are spotted in a bank moving large amounts of money under a false name. Later it is revealed that you were a Russian intelligence assest all along.

3) The Greatest (Greater even than the Great Escape) Escape; you tunnel out of the Oval Office, hiding dirt in your trousers & dumping it in the Rose Garden. Everyone busts out but you are captured trying to jump a Harley over the Mexican Border Wall.
#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

4) The Faust; you try and default on your $400m loan from the devil. The devil turns up to collect. She is wearing a pants suit.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

5) The Trump Lucan; you just disappear in the middle of the night and nobody ever sees you again. All you leave behind are rumours, broken promises and a dead woman.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

6) The Count; you are loaded on to a ship in your cofvefe, sorry coffin, landing in Whitby or Cruden Bay to start a new reign of terror on the golf courses of Scotland.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

7) The Carrie Fisher; a failed criminal & a self-important hick dressed as fascists turn up to rescue you but get cornered in a shoot out with the Feds; so you grab the gun yourself but end up in garbage disposal.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

8) The Fonz Pt1; you step in to the Oval Office. It turns out to be a toile but you give a thumbs up and it all works out to be cooler than it sounds. HEEEHhhhYYY!

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

9) The Schtunt for Red October; you & the goshst of Schir Schean Connery schteal a Schoviet Schubmarine & schail it schlowly to Scotland but it schinks & you schpend the rescht of your life under an aschumed identity on Cheaschapeake Bay.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

10) The Stormy Daniels.

REDACTED.

Still covered by an NDA.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

11) The Mushroom.
You buy some mushrooms but they turn out to be Psilocybe semilanceata. After a really bad trip you find yourself still bailed up in the White House, still losing the election and still broke. But at least you owned the Libs.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

12) Midnight Train to Georgia; you leave on a Midnight Train to Georgia, go back to find a simpler place in time. Board the Midnight Train to Georgia.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

13) The Glenn Miller No 1; book yourself in to a hotel in New York. Phone 1st to make a reservation. The number you want is Pennsylvania 6-5000. Which incidentally is the next President's current lead in the vote count.
.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

14) The Crowd Surfer; wait until the next President's inauguration, the crowds will be HUGE, the biggliest crowds ever seen, bigger than Woodstock, than Shea Stadium, then just slip out the back, Jack and loose yourself in the press of humanity.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

15) The Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid; go out the front door, guns blazing, cut to the credits. Mysteriously turn up in Bolivia decade later.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

16) The Joe Pesci; you know a guy, who knows a guy who knows a guy, in Jersey, a Jersey guy, a guy from Jersey, know whattamean, you slip him 30 large, baddabing, baddaboom, it's all taken care off.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

17) The Table Genius, you hide under a table in the White House, naked, and everyone pretends you are just invisible until a little boy mowing the lawn sees you and tells everyone you have no clothes on.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

18) The 1688; you do a runner to France, on the way you drop your wallet and the Presidential Seal in the Potomac.

Generations of relatives unsuccessfully run for President until they are finally defeated on a golf course just outside Inverness.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

19) The Man in the Iron Mask; you disguise yourself as your illegitimate twin brother by wearing a mask, washing your hands & staying 2 meters away from people. The 3 Musketeers, Huey, Louis and the Fake News, break you out of the White House.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

20) Gene Kelly; tell a long-winded anecdote to a crowd of fans, make em laugh, make em laugh, escape by jumping in a passing car, spend the night singing & dancing in the rain before greeting the morning with a cheery song. Dignity, always dignity.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

21) The Ned Kelly, if you're outback & bailed up by a pack of gallahs, use the tinnies from a slab of VB to fashion an impromptu suit of armour, shoot your way out before going walkabout in the Bush.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

22) The Monty Hall; there are 3 doors, one of the doors is open. Behind one of the other doors is a goat. Do the maths. Pick a door.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

23) The Monty Don; there are 3 gardens. In 1 of the gardens is a goat. Pick a garden, walk to the end of it, climb over the wall & find yourself in the joy of nature artfully contrived by man. Be sure to take the goat with you. He is called Clement.

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24) The George Clooney, there are 3 goats, Clement, Dan and Steve, pick one. Anyone you like. Don't pick Dan or Steve. Once you have connected to it psychically you will have all the answers, including how to leave the White House.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

25) The Trip; you & your best friend go on a roadtrip around Italy, eating & drinking, amusing yourself with impressions of iconic actors. If you see a goat called Dan, don't shout @ it from the car. You'll just make a tit of yourself. DAN! DAN! DAN!

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

26) The Tracy Chapman,
Mmmhmh, I've got a fast car.

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27) Geoff Hurst; some people are on the White House Lawn! They think it's all over! It is now, it's four.

(Dementia is a terrible disease, not lessened by being linked to professional sport and work place injuries.)

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

28) Richard the Third

You decide that the battle is lost and go looking for a horse. The horse is the main thing here. Find a horse. Never mind Tracy Chapman, you want a fast horse. A horse. Your presidency for a horse.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

29) Amelia Earhart,

Fire up Airforce One and fly West young man. Over the Great Plains, over the West Coast, across the Pacific, beyond Hawaii, keep flying, just keep flying.
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30) The Catalpa; have a chat with some Irish Home Rule sympathisers in New York, see if they will hire a small ship to come and rescue you and take you to New York. Break away from your prison work party. Don't give any interviews to the BBC.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

31) Napoleon, first, Mitch, I mean march on Moscow. When you find Russia a large place & unforgiving of people who have over-extended themselves, retreat somewhere warmer, perhaps a nice island. Try not to escape from that and cause another nuisance.
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32) The Winnie-the-Pooh, eat honey, get stuck in a tunnel. Whilst you trim down someone will use you for laundry. When you do finally get out, walk off in to the sunset with a pig and some platitudes about still being friends which nobody believes.
#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

33) The Grand Old Duke of New York, march your militia up to the top of the hill, then march them down again. When they were up, they were up, when they were down they were domestic terrorists.
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34) Benny Hill, run away, chased by all the women you've wronged in your life, inexplicably wearing stockings and suspenders. Make your final escape on the fastest milk cart in the West. Change your name to Ernie. Bill Clinton can play Yakety Sax.

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35) Caravan; hire an RV, your credit is good for it & drive from Cape Froward to Maine. Remember, when crossing borders have all your visas in good order, especially if you look a bit foreign. NB, ginger white guys look foreign in Latin America.
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36) The Che, like the Caravan but this time on a motorbike, with a cigar, and bringing a message of revolutionary socialism and healthcare to the workers. Make sure you get turned in to an iconic poster or two before the CIA catch you.
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37) The Paul Simon; Feeling Groovy, you are Homeward Bound, watch the 7 O'clock News on a Silent Night, then take Mrs Robinson, Cathy & Cecilia, start on 59th Street, head down to Graceland and start looking for America.

You can sing an American Tune

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

38) The Art Garfunkel

If, you can't find America, create a bit of the Sound of Silence, keep your eyes bright, focus, and try building a Bridge Over Troubled Water.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

39) The Catch 22; you can only leave the White House if you are insane, only a sane man would ask to leave the White House. As soon as you ask to leave the White House you are sane, and have to stay in the White House.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

40) The Boris Johnson, forget to congratulate the new President and then hide in a fridge when asked about it.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

41) The Four Seasons, make sure you have the right Four Seasons, you want the 1 with Frankie Valli, not the 1 with Spring & Autumn. Put their Greatest Hits on the stereo, drive off to find some Quattro Formagi pizza.
#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

42) The Douglas Adams, put on your dressing gown, grab your towel & your hitch-hiking guide and thumb a lift on the first Vogon battleship you see. Watch out for their poetry - it's in ALL CAPS and makes no sense.

Don't Panic!
#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

43) The Captain Bligh, if you feel that your crew have turned hostile and you are no longer in charge, get off the ship and sail a small boat to Timor.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

44) The 44th Way to Leave the White House will always be cooler, cleverer, better at basketball more respected, &, just, *loved* than the 45th. Give you pal a medal, kiss your wife, ruffle the hair of your kids & head to Martha's Vineyard for a rest.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

45) The Incredible Hulk, smash everything.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

46) 46) The Bart; take yourself hostage, point a gun at your own head and threaten to shoot unless the hostile crowd won't let you leave safely.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

47) The Black Lives Matter: paint your face with boot polish and take your fancy car for a drive, remember not to pose a threat to anyone and see how far you get before the police or a random white guy help you understand the error of your ways.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

48) The Forest Gump; go for a run, keep running, run some more. Run Forest Run. Run all the way across America. Remember that shit happens & that, for perhaps the first time in your life it has happened to you instead of you happening to someone else.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

49) The Ponzi Pyramid; send an aide out to bring back 2 supporters, then send those supporters out to bring back 4 more supporters. Those suppporters find 8 more, if you keep it going no one will ever know that you, yourself, haven't actually left.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

50) The Wanderer; dementia, stress & COVID addle the brain & you wander out the White House front door in your Big Boy PJ's & roam the streets until you're found, trying to pay for a cheeseburger using a bubblegum wrapper; Wednesday Morning at 3 AM.

#50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse

and those are #50WaysToLeaveTheWhiteHouse