The secret blog of Dominic Cummings, aged 13¾

Dec 3rd

My parents are eating different things at different times. I am eating six meals a day because I don’t want to hurt their feelings.

Dec 4th

We had our measles jabs at school today. Dr Whitty came to give them out during
double maths. Mr Hancock insisted he administer the doses using the syringes his neighbour made out of Meccano and repurposed Christmas tree decorations. Des Swayne in 4C went mental and started screaming “You’re not putting that shit in me, wake up sheeple,
its all part of the plandemic, they’re injecting microchips from Amstrad computers and we’re all going to end up in a Treasure Island Dizzy computer game”. In the end the PE teachers Mr Mercer and Mr Tugendhat had to put him in a choke hold until Dr Van Tam had injected it.
Dec 5th

My mother went out with the headmaster Mr Johnson tonight. I am going to stay awake until she comes home.

Midnight. My mother is still not home.

3AM. I fell asleep. I don’t know what time they came home but I was woken by Mother and Mr Johnson were making a scene on
the mini-roundabout giggling about biological Jiu Jitsu and frictionless trade, when Carrie Johnson drove past in her Austin Allegro and shouted “Boris you bastard, I thought I’d find you here you distressed gusset” before throwing a bin bag of his cut up suits out of the window.
Dec 6th

Pandora and Michael Gove have broken up. Everyone at school knows. Michael is heartbroken. This is the best news for months. I told him I think Mr Johnson and my mother are having an affair. He said it has been going on for ages. Everyone knew except me and my father.
Dec 7th

My mother has arranged a civilised meeting tonight. Mr Johnson, is going to be there. I am not invited. I am going to listen at the door.

Dec 8th

A terrible thing happened last night. Father and Mr Johnson had a civilised meeting but when mother said she wanted to be
the next woman Mr Johnson doesn't cheat on, my father became uncivilised and started fighting him in the front garden. I could see everything from my bedroom window. Mrs O’Leary said, “I feel sorry for the child.” Everyone looked up at my window then, so I looked especially sad.
With many thanks to associated-press photographer
@MrJunkerBarlow for capturing today's image.

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More from @mikegove12

2 Dec
The secret blog of Dominic Cummings, aged 13¾

Dec 2nd

Michael Gove went on local radio to talk about our school this morning. We listened over breakfast. He lied a lot and contradicted everything he had said when he went on last time, but he was swanning around the playground
at break like David Essex, bragging that he could sell ice to the Eskimos or off-shore tax arrangements to Tory donors. So at lunch Barry Kent graffitied ‘Michael Gove is the universe boss’ on Mr Johnson’s Nissan Prairie to see if he could talk his way out of that.
Dec 3rd

Michael Gove has been suspended. He is making me go to his house at lunchtime to report on any political manoeuvering in the playground. I missed my lunch, but Mrs Coffey the dinner lady was very kind and kept my meal hot for me. Four Scotch Eggs. She
Read 7 tweets
1 Dec
The secret blog of Dominic Cummings, aged 13¾

Dec 1st

Mr Starmer the head of the PTA says we’re all going to have to eat turnips every day because Mr Johnson hasn’t been able to negotiate a new fish tank since we left the local education authority. Mr Johnson says
that’s fine because he’s still headmaster.

Dec 2nd

Mother wouldn’t give me a note to get out of sports today so I left my sports clothes at home. The PE teacher Mr Mercer made me run home to get them. The dog followed me out of the house. When I got to school it
joined in the football lesson. Even Mr Mercer was laughing until it punctured the ball. Then he shot it.

Dec 3rd

Laurence Fox in the lower sixth is in trouble because he invited loads of his annoying friends into the common room during the nits outbreak. Everyone is saying
Read 7 tweets
30 Nov
The secret blog of Dominic Cummings, aged 13¾

Nov 30th

The nits outbreak at school hasn’t got any better. Mr Johnson said he was replacing the system of locking us down at break, with a tier system of locking us up at break instead.

Dec 1st

Mother is reading a book called The Female Touch. She says it’s a book that changes your life. It hasn’t changed mine, but I only looked quickly.

Dec 2nd

I had my first wet dream! It was about Malcolm Muggeridge. My mother was right, the book has changed my life.
Dec 3rd

Mr Rees-Mogg the RE teacher gave us a lecture on celibacy today. He said doing illogical things for dogmatic reasons was as normal as having a nanny in your forties and was the reason why Britain is great. He also said it was why all the bus drivers in the queue
Read 8 tweets
26 Nov
The secret blog of Dominic Cummings, aged 13¾

Nov 27th

I had to visit the old man Steve Baker again. He had barricaded himself in his toilet and kept shouting “This is Sparta” until I passed him a roll of Izal toilet paper.

Nov 28th

Rishi Sunak the swanky prefect
published his school spending review today. He said that because of the nits outbreak that Mr Johnson ignored, and because we’re leaving the local authority on the 1st of January, we’re all going to have to pay a daily pound from our dinner money into the senior staff holiday
fund. I think Mr Starmer the head of the PTA was going to object, but he was distracted by his ongoing battle with the retired woodwork tutor Mr Corbyn about whether or not he was still allowed to park his 2CV in the teacher’s bays.

Nov 29th

Mr Williamson the
Read 8 tweets
25 Nov
The secret blog of Dominic Cummings, aged 13¾

Nov 25th

I got up at 6 a.m. today to start my new paper round. I’m delivering on Tufton Street. The papers they read are the heavy, racist ones. Just my luck!

Nov 26th

Michael Gove has started a new gang at school called

COBRA. He gets loads of dorks together in Mr Whitty’s chemistry lab at lunch and they pretend to be important. Matt Hancock took a mouthful of gas from the Bunsen-burner tap and lit it with a match to show off. I know because I was hid
underneath a desk watching. I had to wait for the paramedics to stretcher Matt out before I could leave so I was late for geography and Miss Truss gave me a detention.

Nov 27th

I took the wrong newspapers today. I don’t know why people were so angry. Why can’t they just accept
Read 7 tweets
24 Nov
The secret blog of Dominic Cummings, aged 13¾

Nov 24th

Mr Johnson gave an assembly saying that the special measures for the nits outbreak had worked so we could go back to mixing at lunchtime. He was scratching his head a lot.

Nov 25th

I’m in a group at school that helps elderly people. I got an old man called Steve Baker. He is 49 which doesn’t seem very old, but Andrew Bridgen in 5C lives next door and says he’s always shouting about Angela Rippon out of his bathroom window.
Nov 26th

My father took me to Mr Baker’s house this evening. When I knocked on the door a dog started barking and I heard bottles and a man shouting loudly. I ran away. I hope it was the wrong house.

Nov 27th

I saw Michael Gove sniffing glue in the bus stop with Matt Hancock
Read 8 tweets

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