[Brexit end credits thread]

When Big Ben bonged for Brexit, Mark Francois came so loud he startled the pigeon that lives atop his hobbit hole. He was never heard from again.
When the German car manufacturers failed to show, Davis cracked. After years spent walking Europe attempting to negotiate with individual member states, he went missing. There are rumours if you believe enough in Brexit he emerges from the hills of Austria like a yeti.
Untethered by the human rights act, Priti Patel’s reign of terror was only ended when she accidentally ate Italian food and was forced to deport herself.
After losing his 12th election to an actual human shit, Nigel Farage gained the biggest Twitter ratio of all time when he complained how difficult it was trying to retire to the Costa del Sol.
After calling remainers “snowflakes” in a cabinet meeting for hating the deal, Raab spent January blocking anybody reminding him that he only realised the importance of the Dover Calais crossing and tagging him in pictures of drivers forced to take a shit in their lorries.
After not receiving a single reply or like for his tweets, Lord Adonis was found at Tony Blair’s house with a gun.
Rishi Sunak became Prime Minister in a landslide, winning over a lot of Remainers who saw him as the nice Tory. The resulting austerity caused even more deaths than his “mosh for dosh” campaign to get music gigs up and running again during lockdown 6.
David Cameron returned to politics every now and then like a man who’d accidentally left his kids in the pub shitter. In 2027, following Scottish, Welsh and Cornish independence, he shame-deleted his chaos with Ed Miliband tweet.
Having managed to come out of this only being the second shittest prime minister in history, Theresa May was reasonably happy with her legacy as she retired to spend more time with her racism.
Boris Johnson died in the arms of his 7th wife aged 93. There were zero consequences for his actions.

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More from @JimMFelton

17 Dec
There's a good chance you've made out with a drowning victim from the 1800s

(Thread, non-sweary version here: bit.ly/2WoJUUh)
You may not have heard of l'Inconnue de la Seine but there's a good chance you've kissed her on the mouth, in a manner of speaking.
In the late 1880s, a body was discovered drowned in the Seine in Paris. Nobody really knows what happened to her, though it's speculated that it was by suicide. More importantly, nobody knew who she was either.
Read 19 tweets
16 Dec
Quick thread on why the third best Christmas film (Gremlins) is so goddamn good
I didn't watch Gremlins until last year when Empire (go buy Empire, it is great) made me watch it. Despite years of outraged insistence that I should see it, I refused to add another Christmas film to my already massive list. Especially not Gremlins.

A Muppet Christmas Carol is the perfect Christmas film. It's even the definitive version of a Christmas Carol and Charles Dickens was an idiot to think he could novelise it.
Read 23 tweets
15 Dec
What a profound thought there Melville, first thing tomorrow I’m off to spit in a pensioner’s mouth safe in the knowledge that everything is fine again Image
He’s only gone and bloody solved Covid. Probably why he didn’t asked for retweets on this one, knew it was a banger as is.
Oh good the James Melville defending virus nonces have found this tweet
Read 6 tweets
10 Dec
The oldest customer complaint in history is fucking amazing.

(Thread, sources here: bit.ly/3n9NRI4 h/t: @DrCarpineti)
Nowadays if you want to complain it's as easy as tagging Coca Cola and calling them a cunt. You move on with your day safe in the knowledge that you made some poor social media manager out there a bit sad.
Before this you'd have to fax them, and call them "ye olde cunt", as was the custom of the 1980s. Way back in 1750 BC, however, you'd have to really be pissed in order to complain, because it involved taking a chisel and twatting it into a stone.
Read 15 tweets
8 Dec
Whilst Winston Churchill is trending, a short thread from my first book about how he helped cause a famine that killed more than 3 million people:
If in the Avengers Thor flew down, killed Thanos and saved the universe, then turned around and started twatting orphans with his hammer there would many articles written about how "ok bravo on killing Thanos but I think we need to talk about how Thor is a bit of a mixed bag".
Well, Churchill, one of Britain's greatest heroes, who stood up to Hitler (with the help of many allies) and won, also caused the death of 3 million people in India, and we should probably acknowledge that a bit.
Read 19 tweets
6 Dec
Imagine being a scientist, studying for years, working for more, discovering a vaccine for a new disease, rigorously testing it and producing all the data, getting it through peer review and then being told the public won’t trust it until they hear the phrase “Biggins is in” Image
Look I’m happy that you got to play with your little test tubes and “trial phases” but I’m afraid I just have too many concern- what’s that you say? The man who played the second ugly sister every year in the Dartford Christmas panto since 2003 is taking it? PUMP IT INTO MY BLOOD
I’m aware this is a good way to reach people who might distrust the vaccine. Once again I must beg you to stop trying to fact check a joke.
Read 4 tweets

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