1/ You know when you think you’re finally over... ‘it’ and life has this funny way of plucking something so minuscule and it throws you out of whack?
That just happened to me.
2/ So since lockdown started, my sleeping pattern has been ruined. I struggle to get to sleep by 3am and rise around midday.
3/ This isn’t particularly new to me: even my relationship ended, I lost all sense of time and meaning. This just so happened to occur when the original lockdown back in March of last year happened.
4/ I’ve tried everything to disassociate the emotional attachment I relate to lockdown and what happened to me last year. I’ve been drinking decaf, changed my room around, audiobooks, ASMR etc.
5/ Spoiler alert, nothing’s really working. The troubling signs have been there since just before lockdown happened. I would keep getting flashbacks, little things or phrases would remind me of her etc
6/ Now that’s not to say I’m depressed or feeling like I can’t go on- far from it, but tonight really hit me and it was over the most stupid of reasons.
7/ I’m scrolling through TikTok (I know, sign of the times right?) as I usually do and it’s all pretty aimless. Until 20 minutes in a video about learning to kiss comes up.
8/ The girl in the video is almost the spitting image of my ex and y’know what? My stomach sank. I had a panic attack. I don’t know why, but I was overwhelmed with an irritating level of sadness.
9/ I had to rationalise with myself that I wasn’t sad because I was reminded of her because of this girl, but because of the gut wrenching pain I had to go through to grab some semblance of myself again.
10/ That wasn’t my ex’s fault. Sure it was a shitty time to break up with someone but when something doesn’t work, you have to draw the line. But now that we’re back in lockdown and it’s tied with such a negative time of my life, my brain just couldn’t handle it.
11/ I feel awful too. I’m sweet on someone and they’re showing an incredible amount of patience with me, (something I’m not sure is deserved) whilst not only is lockdown a participant, but so is the fact that I’m still on a journey of self rediscovery.
12/ What upsets me is that these constant little reminders keep cropping up and I want nothing more than to move on from this. I’m trying so damn hard every day and I don’t know why or what is stopping me from letting it go.
13/ If you’ve read this far, thanks. It’s good to get things off your chest. I’ll get past this nonsense eventually.
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