1/ You know when you think you’re finally over... ‘it’ and life has this funny way of plucking something so minuscule and it throws you out of whack?
That just happened to me.
2/ So since lockdown started, my sleeping pattern has been ruined. I struggle to get to sleep by 3am and rise around midday.
3/ This isn’t particularly new to me: even my relationship ended, I lost all sense of time and meaning. This just so happened to occur when the original lockdown back in March of last year happened.
4/ I’ve tried everything to disassociate the emotional attachment I relate to lockdown and what happened to me last year. I’ve been drinking decaf, changed my room around, audiobooks, ASMR etc.
5/ Spoiler alert, nothing’s really working. The troubling signs have been there since just before lockdown happened. I would keep getting flashbacks, little things or phrases would remind me of her etc
6/ Now that’s not to say I’m depressed or feeling like I can’t go on- far from it, but tonight really hit me and it was over the most stupid of reasons.
7/ I’m scrolling through TikTok (I know, sign of the times right?) as I usually do and it’s all pretty aimless. Until 20 minutes in a video about learning to kiss comes up.
8/ The girl in the video is almost the spitting image of my ex and y’know what? My stomach sank. I had a panic attack. I don’t know why, but I was overwhelmed with an irritating level of sadness.
9/ I had to rationalise with myself that I wasn’t sad because I was reminded of her because of this girl, but because of the gut wrenching pain I had to go through to grab some semblance of myself again.
10/ That wasn’t my ex’s fault. Sure it was a shitty time to break up with someone but when something doesn’t work, you have to draw the line. But now that we’re back in lockdown and it’s tied with such a negative time of my life, my brain just couldn’t handle it.
11/ I feel awful too. I’m sweet on someone and they’re showing an incredible amount of patience with me, (something I’m not sure is deserved) whilst not only is lockdown a participant, but so is the fact that I’m still on a journey of self rediscovery.
12/ What upsets me is that these constant little reminders keep cropping up and I want nothing more than to move on from this. I’m trying so damn hard every day and I don’t know why or what is stopping me from letting it go.
13/ If you’ve read this far, thanks. It’s good to get things off your chest. I’ll get past this nonsense eventually.
* @threadreaderapp unroll *

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh
 

Keep Current with Joseph Capgras

Joseph Capgras Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

PDF

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video
  1. Follow @ThreadReaderApp to mention us!

  2. From a Twitter thread mention us with a keyword "unroll"
@threadreaderapp unroll

Practice here first or read more on our help page!

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!


This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!

Follow Us on Twitter!