I haven't done a live-watch in forever for a lot of reasons, but tonight we've pulled up the Amazon Prime offerings and found that "I, FRANKENSTEIN" is available. Imagine my glee. #AnaWatches
#AnaWatches "Two hundred years after his shocking creation, Dr. Frankenstein's creature, Adam, still walks the earth. But when he finds himself in the middle of a war over the fate of humanity, Adam discovers he holds the key that could destroy humankind." So, NOT the book.
#AnaWatches Kissmate, beside me and very tired after a long Monday: "Did they make him hot? Why is he hot? Who is Aaron Eckhart? Why am I okay with them making him hot?"
#AnaWatches We get to re-use our favorite MST3K line during the opening credits: "Passed from studio to studio in a desperate attempt to save it."
#AnaWatches The opening narration is kinda cool. "I was cast into being in 1795, a living corpse without a soul." That's a solid character introduction, I'll give them that.
#AnaWatches Adam gives us a quick rundown of that whole book thing. He says he's immune to cold, which I can't remember if that's canon or not. After Doctor Frankie died, Adam took him back to his family cemetery and buried him.
#AnaWatches The cemetery is full of vampires who turn out to be demons...who are also vampires. I GUESS? (Kissmate: "They look like low-budget Dragonborns!")
#AnaWatches There's also a purple-eyed gargoyle who is...present? The action is hard to follow. (Kissmate: "Is this supposed to be Pride and Prejudice and Zombies all over again?")
#AnaWatches We have to pause because *I'm* wondering if this is one of those "Dark Universe" things, like Dracula Untold or The Mummy 4: Tom Cruise Gets Beaten Up By A Pretty Girl, but no, it's not by Universal.
#AnaWatches I haven't read Frankenstein since college, so I really do appreciate all of you who've chimed in to state that Doctor Frankster prioritized having a pretty corpse-man, for totally heterosexual reasons I'm sure.
#AnaWatches Purple-eyed gargoyle kills the demons, saves Adam, and resolves into the pretty man in all of creation, so we're feeling pretty good about our choice of movies. He's going to be Adam's love interest, I hope.
#AnaWatches Oh shit, there's a boring girl angel. Anyone want to lay bets which one Adam will love-interest at?
#AnaWatches The angel-gargoyles capture Adam and discuss whether or not to kill him so the demons can't have him. The Gargoyle Queen decides to be gentle to him. It's nice to have a protagonist who is scarred.
#AnaWatches Gargoyle Queen infodumps some random shit about the "666 legions of Hell" so we're adding the Bible to the list of books that will not be represented accurately in this film, I see.
#AnaWatches "Humans think of us as mere decoration," the Gargoyle Queen says and I am hyperventilating a little. Is this art? Perhaps this is art.
#AnaWatches Angel Gideon objects that the monster is, you know, a murderer. Gargoyle Queen says that was "in the heat of passion" and you can't blame a man for his emotional emotions. She names him Adam. Doesn't even ask his consent, so that's weird.
#AnaWatches We're just speeding through exposition now. Here are the weapons, here's holy water, here's the sacred mark of the Gargoyle Order, here's how to kill demons, here's some hitting-sticks, go nuts kiddo.
#AnaWatches Adam leaves because he has angst to do elsewhere and having a home full of the only people who've ever been nice to him doesn't appeal. Years pass, et cetera. Oh, and he's immortal and doesn't age.
#AnaWatches After an indeterminate number of centuries, he randomly decides to go back to the gargoyles and join the fight against the demons because he's....bored, I guess? Anyway, there's cars now.
#AnaWatches The demons continue to look and act just like vampires in their human (non-dragonborn) forms, so that's a little confusing. Adam confronts a demon-vampire for a classic city-alley chase.
#AnaWatches Somewhere in a lab, the Underworld Vampire Leader (so, I mean, that isn't gonna be confusing here) watches as two scientists reanimate a cute dead rat. IT'S ALIIIIVE.
#AnaWatches Meanwhile, the gargoyles capture Adam again because I guess they've had a change of heart. I love them just flying around at night and nobody notices.
#AnaWatches Vampire Lord asks when the scientists will be able to reanimate humans and they protest that "Frankenstein is a myth!" because remember we're inside the Mary Shelley verse where he actually existed.
#AnaWatches I've been wondering why demons want Adam and/or his kind so badly, but Kissmate says there was a line I missed in which it was established that gargoyles can only be killed by soulless creatures. So the demonic goal is an army of Adams, cool.
#AnaWatches The Gargoyle Queen's acting notes were apparently "be the most Karen possible" so she now does so at Adam; he's waging open war, yada yada, and endangering the masquerade, does he want humans to learn about the vampire demons??, he's grounded mister.
#AnaWatches Adam says he's not one of her soldiers to order around and she goes full bigot on him: he isn't of God, so he doesn't get free choice (unlike the humans) and she gets to decide for him. She leaves him tied to a chair.
#AnaWatches The vampire demons plan an assault on the cathedral. An action scene occurs which flies in direct violation of Queen Karen's "we don't fight demons in the streets!!" speech five minutes before.
#AnaWatches The masquerade is impossible, omg, HOW can they be secret? When an angel dies--as several do here--a beacon of blue light lights up the night sky and ascends to heaven. The demons, in contrasts, explode like firebombs. IN THE STREET.
#AnaWatches Apparently demons do not have souls (since they can kill gargoyles) and no, I do not understand what "soullessness" means in this context.
#AnaWatches For the record, I'm saying that the demons and angels are being "killed" in combat, but they made a big deal that they're actually ascending to heaven or descending to hell.
#AnaWatches Kissmate points out--and this isn't a good thing--that every character in this movie is better established, personality-wise, than Adam. Adam has no goals (not even the Vonnegutian "glass of water"). newyorkwritersintensive.com/kurt-vonneguts…
#AnaWatches He seems to move and act according to the demands of the plot. Even his choice to leave the demons alone and then to come back to face them seemed more in order to fast-forward us to present-day science possibilities than character-driven.
#AnaWatches Anyway, to review:

- "Soulless" has not been explained or defined.

- This masquerade where humans know nothing about the supernatural is flatly impossible.

- Demons explode into fire and angels become those blue beacons they use at car-sales lots.
#AnaWatches Apparently the demons only "need" Adam in order to show him to their human scientist so she can unlock the mystery of corpse-reanimation for humans.
#AnaWatches Unsatisfyingly, the question of whether or not an angel-gargoyle can survive being immersed into a vat of boiling acid is not touched upon.
#AnaWatches Though we *do* see a demon explode after an angel-gargoyle hurls him into a piece of cathedral. (Wait, do the angel-gargoyles not have souls either?)
#AnaWatches The hottest man-gargoyle (Ophir) frees Adam so he can fight for his life. Kissmate observes that this is either going to get gay (which we very much want) or Ophir is going to die in order to prevent gayness.
#AnaWatches Girl-Gargoyle is scratched and they bleed blue light. The fuck. Ophir dies. Kissmate and I are angry but not surprised.
#AnaWatches Girl-Gargoyle is given a name just long enough for her to reveal that she and Ophir were forbidden lovers because the Gargoyle Order doesn't....allow......idk, I just work here. Then she dies/ascends to rejoin Ophir.
#AnaWatches That *was* unexpected. Are we going to get out of this movie without a love interest subplot? Because that would be so very refreshing!
#AnaWatches The Gargoyle Queen apparently cannot fight (why?) and her guards don't have the discipline to stay with her (WHY?) so now the demons have kidnapped her and Adam wants to rescue her even while the demons point out he has...no...reason...to do that.
#AnaWatches The Queen is being held in exchange for Adam. Apparently it's really important to get her back because she's their only link to the archangels, and god only knows what THOSE are.
#AnaWatches Gideon doesn't know where Adam is (and therefore can't offer him up to the demons in exchange for the Queen) but he does have Frankenstein's journal. He offers that, even though he really shouldn't know the demons want it. An exchange occurs.
#AnaWatches The journal is conveyed to the Head Vampire, and we receive this line: "This is everything we need to bring back our fallen." What the actual fucknuggets?
#AnaWatches We'd been assuming they wanted to create corpse-people to kill gargoyles. They actually want to create corpse-people to...provide bodysuits to fallen demons? Maybe? I DO NOT KNOW.
#AnaWatches I am pausing at the 36 minute mark to tell you: this movie is bad? This movie is bad. The protagonist is a blank wall, the "good" guys are insufferable assholes, the villain motivations are impenetrable thus far, and the action scenes are badly choreographed.
#AnaWatches The downside, really, to having everyone wear silly plastic masks during battle is that you lose all emotional connection and don't know who is dying or what they feel or really anything about what you are seeing.
#AnaWatches Adam explores the science place and finds a million corpses, NOT EVEN REFRIGERATED, and they all have pentagrams carved into their foreheads.
#AnaWatches Vampire Lord gives the Frankenstein journal to his scientists. They look utterly astonished, which feels odd to me because if Elon Musk gave me King Arthur's accounts book I'd just assume he was taken in by a con artist.
#AnaWatches Like, "Sir, I'll go authenticate this but uhhh I hope you kept the receipt." and then I gotta hope I don't get fired for telling him this thing has been dipped in tea to age it.
#AnaWatches The scientist, delighted by Frankie's notes, realize he harnessed electricity with "six electric eels generating 500 volts each". Kissmate is screaming and googling on the couch next to me.
#AnaWatches "The average shock of an electric eel lasts two-thousands of a second," Kissmate reports.
#AnaWatches The science in this movie is so bad I want to cry. It's so soft you could spread it on a roll.
#AnaWatches Adam breaks in and takes the journal from Blond Girl Scientist (there are only two scientists, because that's all you need to reanimate the dead) and she's already doing the Tarzan thing of falling in love with his intelligent eyes.
#AnaWatches Vampire Lord reasons with Adam and I kinda like that the demons have a higher charisma stat than the angels. That feels instinctively correct.
#AnaWatches Adam devours the journal as if he's never read it before, even though he was lugging it around with Victor at the beginning of the film and chose to bury the journal with him. (Kissmate: "He changed over the 200 years we didn't see and now wants to read it? I guess?")
#AnaWatches Oh, that happens after he escapes the vampires for reasons that weren't really clear to anyone. Now the demons are hunting Adam again.
#AnaWatches Girl Scientist goes home and Adam accosts her because he "needs someone to help him make sense of the journal". So, yeah, he apparently never asked Victor anything about himself, nor read the journal when he was younger.
#AnaWatches Adam explains that Blondie's boss is a vampire-demon-prince and that there's a war going on for the soul of mankind or possibly their existence, idk. He tells her there's an army of corpses waiting to be reanimated.
#AnaWatches Blondie tells him that she doesn't believe in demons and possibly he suffered brain damage during the reanimation process, so it's rather lucky that a demon shows up that exact moment to put on his rubber dragon mask.
#AnaWatches "There are millions of demon spirits trapped in hell waiting for the chance to possess a human body" so demons don't have SOULS but they do have SPIRITS and oh god I'm getting flashbacks to when I was a kid and the cult I was in had Very Strong Opinions About This.
#AnaWatches UGH, anyway "a demon spirit can only possess a body that has no soul" and presumably they also need the pentagram-forehead (otherwise they'd have possessed Adam) but if Adam is the first of his kind how do they even know this is possible?
#AnaWatches Like, every possession in the Bible is now fake, there has never once been a possession, they are working towards the very first (and second, and third, and so on) possession because Adam is THE FIRST ANIMATE HUMAN BODY LACKING A SOUL.
#AnaWatches And you could say, "Ana, what about corpses? They could possess those maybe," but counterpoint if it were that simple then why go to all this trouble with Adam, no, it has to be a living body without a soul, and thus this plot makes no damn sense.
#AnaWatches Girl Scientist saves Adam's life by arguing that she needs him alive, and the distraction is enough to let Adam kill the demon. Girl Scientist carries him back to a shitty apartment that cannot possibly be hers. Maybe he stays here? Idk.
#AnaWatches She ogles his shirtless body and it's kinda nice to see someone with scars like mine being viewed as sexy. I wish it were happening in a better movie, lol.
#AnaWatches Adam predicts that the demon army will kill the rest of the gargoyles, then turn on humans and enslave them. I guess? Every motivation in this movie seems to be plot-based rather than character-driven.
#AnaWatches Girl Scientist asks Adam about Frankster, and it's so very clear that the writers...did not think about what Victor's work (and DEAD WIFE) looked like to people inside the novel. Kissmate maintains that the entire Frankenstein concept feels very tacked on.
#AnaWatches Blondie calls her co-worker and tells him to get out of town right away, but of course demons are listening and Blondie is quickly recaptured while Adam goes to talk to the gargoyles. (Never split the party!)
#AnaWatches Queen Karen continues to be a huge bitch for no reason whatsoever. Adam warns them about the corpse-army. He tells them he needs help getting himself and Blondie out of town. Adam doesn't know about Uber, I guess.
#AnaWatches Showing no character consistency whatsoever, Queen Karen--who is, I remind you, an ACTUAL ANGEL--lies shamelessly to Adam, then orders Gideon to follow, betray, and murder Adam.
#AnaWatches I get trying to have shades of gray morality, but she's been loosely characterized as an Angelic Idealist, but just lied easily to someone she plans to betray worse than, ya know, that Satan guy's betrayal that they mentioned earlier.
#AnaWatches I feel it's a weakness when your villainous demons seem to be dealing with the hero in basically good faith while his angelic allies keep abusing, detaining, and betraying him.
#AnaWatches Adam returns to his apartment to pick up the precious journal he stashed under the mattress and Gideon attacks him in a way that blows up the entire outside apartment wall. And then the ENTIRE BUILDING.
#AnaWatches And a car. And then Gideon lands on his own double-sided axe and dies. Because having Adam kill an angel would've been ethically complicated, I guess.
#AnaWatches Even though Adam spent the whole movie not caring about anyone, and has now been betrayed by angels (as he always believed he would be, because trust leads to betrayal in his mindset), he.....cares enough about humanity to burn the journal.
#AnaWatches Back at the labs, Vampire Lord kills Guy Scientist in order to "motivate" Girl Scientist into bringing him back to life. It takes about five minutes. The basement-corpses light up with little "Reanimating 1%" Windows progress bars.
#AnaWatches Adam lures the gargoyles into following him into war by....slouching down the city streets in a cool trenchcoat? I don't know ANYONE'S motivation, you could literally roll a dice for their emotions right now.
#AnaWatches We finally get to see Gargoyle Queen's gargoyle form and she looks like pure white marble because colorism. The gargoyles swarm Adam and destroy the surrounding buildings. ("We don't fight in the streets," Kissmate deadpans from earlier.)
#AnaWatches We agree that the only thing we like about this movie is the way the gargoyle wings resolve into cloaks. THAT part is cool. Everything else sucks.
#AnaWatches "The Gargoyle Order MUST survive, and mankind with it," decrees Adam, who has now been betrayed by both (a) all gargoyles and (b) every human he's interacted with for any meaningful length of time.
#AnaWatches Hey, ARE there emotion-dice? I could use that as a Dungeon Master. I see dice with smiley faces on them, but I'd rather have mood-words because I'm not good at reading faces under pressure.
#AnaWatches The progress bar for reanimation blips from 40.5% complete to 92% complete, so THAT part is accurate at least. Now it needs to go backwards.
#AnaWatches Wow, I have to unpack this. The angels start destroying the nearly-reanimated people in a fiery blaze and that's KINDA UPSETTING after a movie's length of being reminded that Adam is a *person* and a he/him, not an it.
#AnaWatches Like, what was the entire POINT of humanizing a reanimated corpse as a *person* only to then have angels murder thousands of innocent nearly-reanimateds when they did nothing wrong?
[TW: Abortion metaphor] #AnaWatches This is essentially a celestial nine-month abortion scene and I'm not okay.
#AnaWatches The campy VAN HELSING movie handled this entire concept so much better.
#AnaWatches ....We also now learn that the Gargoyle Queen *can* fight and that earlier when she got taken prisoner by one single demon on his own, she just didn't want to. I guess.
#AnaWatches Adam goes through a demonic possession, then turns out to be un-possessable because he has a soul after all, PLOT TWIST I GUESS?
#AnaWatches Me: "Did Adam ever actually kill a gargoyle?"

Kissmate: "Only the one who fell on his own axe. We're probably not supposed to count that."
#AnaWatches Anyway. It's morning. Gargoyles are flying above the city. There's a giant crater into literal hell where MegaCorp Inc. used to be. Queen Karen carries Adam and Girl Scientist out of the hole.
#AnaWatches As a final pan-out, we get the "reveal" that the sacred gargoyle symbol all along was a styled crucifix, which...I mean, yeah, they're Christian angels? I wasn't expecting a Wiccan triple moon. What a shocker!
#AnaWatches Adam does a little "I, Frankenstein" at the end (because he's Victor's son, DO YOU GET IT) and we slam cut to credits that inform us this was based on a visual novel. Welp.
#AnaWatches I feel like I would've liked this a lot more if the writing had been less shit? There's really only so much you can do with a protagonist whose motivations are randomized, and with allies who are absolute assholes. All that needed fixing.
@threader_app Compile, please.

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More from @AnaMardoll

12 Jan
I feel a lot of these "Biden should call off the Dems" op-eds from Republicans are vastly misunderstanding Biden's relationship to Democrat voters.

He's not our emperor-god, the way Trump is for Republicans.
"Biden should tell his followers to back off of impeachment" like haha lol, motherfucker I'm already prepared to call Biden EVERY DAY to press for liberal policy, I can EASILY add impeachment to the list.
Biden's Twitter team is *already* making meek and tentative calls for unity, and we're all largely ignoring that shit because it's bad and we know it's bad.
Read 4 tweets
11 Jan
People keep telling me the technological improvements we need to give cops so January 6th doesn't happen again and it feels like too many folks missed the part where cops were taking selfies with the rioters.
Giving them Batman gear doesn't help if they're on the side of the insurrectionists.
They took selfies with the rioters. There's at least one video of them opening gates for them. There's another video of cops blandly saying "wait stop you can't go in" to a stream of people they're making no attempt whatsoever to stop.
Read 6 tweets
11 Jan
Ok, you know that little button in a cat's butt that likes scritches? marked "OMGYES!" on the chart attached?

Why is that? And does that spot have a name? A chart of a cat and where to pet, divided up into sections.
*On. On the butt. My terrible autocorrect strikes again.
I read a while back that cat tummy is veeeeery sensitive and most humans pet way too roughly and hurt them.

When I got the @KissmateKittens, I only ever petted their tummies veeery gently, and they've never "trap" clawed me. Their tummy offers are real.
Read 5 tweets
11 Jan
I'd really like to see someone cost out, line by line, how much this insurrection tour cost folks on average. Plane ticket to DC, hotel bill, all that tactical gear, those flexi handcuffs.
Like, I have no idea about plane tickets and hotel rooms (in DC, no less!) but those handfuls of handcuffs they were waving around are, like, $100 a pack. (Someone screenshot a website.)
I'd like to know who has hundreds or thousands of dollars they can just drop on a whim to go do an insurrection in the middle of a work week, because I sure as hell can't imagine it.
Read 7 tweets
11 Jan
Hi, quick question: is this legal? Even the most gun-friendly states tend to have regulations against bring guns on government property.
And if it's not legal, then I feel the reasonable follow-up questions here are:

- Planned by whom?
- Are they currently being detained and questioned?
Feels like the FBI should be good for more than just a "heads-up, guys, avoid downtown for the rest of the month so you don't get killed by the violent insurrection", you know?
Read 5 tweets
11 Jan
It's increasingly looking like the Jan 6 riot was a covid super-spreader event and I'm even more upset that the rioters were allowed to go home afterwards and spread the germs they acquired.
Any 3D chess explanation of why the rioters weren't arrested and were allowed to go home needs to account for the fact that we're in the middle of a pandemic.
It is my own personal belief that they were allowed to go home NOT because of any 3D chess reasoning, but rather because elements of the government were either actively obstructing arrests or dragging their feet hoping it would become somebody else's problem.
Read 5 tweets

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