[at unicorn fuck club]
CS Lewis: so Narnia has elves, gnolls, halflings, minotaurs, random creatures, satyrs, wendigos, sea bishops and displacer beasts
JRR Tolkien: right
Lewis: no wait except there are humans now
Tolkien: oh there are humans?
Lewis: yeah but they’s kinda like
Lewis: kinda sorta
Lewis: Muslim?
Lewis: so they barely count
Tolkien: right right of course
Lewis: so children keep appearing in Narnia
Lewis: where they’re tasked with various quests
Lewis: all meant to test their unquestioning fealty to the incomprehensible dictates of this lion
Lewis: this sexy sexy lion
Tolkien: do they go to any feasts?
Lewis: the lion makes the kids carry an egg in a cup while blindfolded
Lewis: it seems pretty stupid & arbitrary on its face
Lewis: but it’s an allegory for the recognition of Paulinus as Patriarch of Antioch by Gregory of Nazianzus at the 2nd Ecumenical Council in Constantinople
Lewis: this lion knows the score
Lewis: so if he tells you to do something
Lewis: no matter how incredibly stupid it might be
Lewis: you better do it
Lewis: there’s also this really cool badass mouse
Brian Jacques: [squeaking] I use a thimble for a helmet!
Lewis: this one kid gets turned into a dragon for being an asshole
Lewis: he’s really sad about this
Lewis: “what will I do as a dragon?” he wails. “curse these beautiful wings! Curse these shiny scales! Curse my totally awesome abilities to fly and breathe fire!”
Lewis: "being a dragon is dangerously hot!"
Lewis: “oh I hate being so incredibly sexy & cool!”
Lewis: “how I wish I was a lame & boring kid again”
Lewis: luckily aslan saves him from this awesome fate
Lewis: just as our lord & savior jesus christ saves us from all cool things

• • •

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More from @midnight_pals

12 Jan
JRR Tolkein: hey jack you know what rules?
CS Lewis: what
Tolkein: being catholic
Tolkein: it’s SO good
Tolkein: I bet you wish you could get some of THIS good stuff
Lewis: meh
Tolkein: there must be some way to convince jack to convert to Catholicism
Tolkein: but I need help
Tolkein: I know, I’ll ask the chaps over at midnight society
Tolkein: if anyone knows Catholicism, it’s horror writers!
Tolkein: oh
Tolkein: oh right
JRR Tolkein: hey I’m trying to convince my friend jack to convert to Catholicism
Tolkein: is there anyone here who can help me extoll the virtues of the roman ca
William Peter Blatty: ME
Blatty: I CAN
Blatty: PICK ME
Read 8 tweets
12 Jan
Darren Aronofsky: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the Whale
Stephen King: sounds like a whale of a tale!
King: haha
King: get it? i
Aronofsky: do not make light of my tale
Aronofsky: i am no mere peddler of cheap chills
Aronofsky: i am an artist who plumbs the depths of the human psyche to expose the true horror of life
Aronofsky: like for example what if there was a fat guy
Aronofsky: i mean really what if there was a fat guy
Poe: so is there any more to
Aronofsky: no that's it
Aronofsky: but i mean REALLY fat
Aronofsky: doesn't that just fill you with terror & loathing?
Aronofsky: i certainly can't think of anything more awful
Aronofsky: that's why i'm the auteur
Read 8 tweets
10 Jan
Joe Hill: I think CS Lewis was a better writer but Tolkien had the more thrilling story to tell
[meanwhile at unicorn fuck club]
Lewis: so narnia has witches, trolls, giants, fauns, kitsunes, kender, lizard men, bigfoot, gilgamesh
Lewis: and what the hell santa claus is there too
Lewis: narnia has unicorns, bicorns, driders, drow, goblins, gnolls, minotaurs, aswangs, drop bears, bunyips, snollygosters, those weird beaky long tailed things in altered beast
Tolkein: you mean chicken stingers?
Lewis: yeah those
Lewis: narnia has those too
Lewis: narnia has centaurs, hobbits, trobbits, gully dwarves, kobolds, abatwa, banshees, the icelandic yule lads, the easter bunny, baba yaga, hungarian horntails, spearfinger, slenderman, fresno nightcrawlers, frankenstein, anansi, goliath the gargoyle, the cottingley fairies
Read 6 tweets
8 Jan
Anton LaVey: jeez this coup, i just don't know what to think
King: whats the matter anton
LaVey: well you know that I live according to the strict tenants of satanism
LaVey: not like that cafeteria conjurer Aleister Crowley
LaVey: he's more of a christmas-easter occultist really
LaVey: but see the MOST important tenant of satanism is to obey authority
Barker: yeah i been meaning to ask about that
Poe: clive
Barker: cuz i mean i read the story of satan
Barker: you know like the one in the bible
Poe: clive
Barker: seems to me he wasn't all too big on that
LaVey: we've had this discussion before, satan is just a metaphor
LaVey: we use satan as a metaphor to mean that you should always do what you're told
Barker: sounds dumb
Read 6 tweets
5 Jan
Steve Boyett:
Dean Koontz: please?
Koontz: pretty please?
King: c'mon steve he's never heard it
Boyett: i don't care
Koontz: i want to hear about the raccoons
Boyett: I. DON'T. CARE.
Boyett: I'm a serious storyteller, i don't cater to THAT sort
Boyett: besides why do you want to hear it so bad huh???
Koontz: raccoons are the dogs of the forest
Boyett: i don't care, i've moved on
Koontz: but i wanna hear about raccoons
King: dude its fine to hate on frank
Frank Belknap Long:
King: but are you REALLY gonna say no to dean?
King: just look at this sweet little face
Read 9 tweets
4 Jan
Jeff Vandermeer: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the Tale of... Weird Fiction
King: weird fiction? like howard writes
Vandermeer: no
Vandermeer: not like howard writes
Vandermeer: this is a totally new genre, unlike anything written before
Vandermeer: I call it the NEW weird
Vandermeer: it's like the old weird but written by me
Vandermeer: or occasionally by China Mieville
Vandermeer: see, the new weird combines elements of sci fi, horror and fantasy
King: ohhh like slipstream!
Vandermeer: no
Vandermeer: it's weirder
King: ohhh like Bizzarro!
Vandermeer: NO
Vandermeer: it's
Read 5 tweets

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