Thread by @torriangray

Since I'm discussing my brother and it's gaining me a ton of followers, I may as well sabotage it by telling you one of the worst stories I have about him. Especially since I have photo documentation of this one.

My brother is a Baptist minister, but humans contain multitudes so he's also an absolute pornography fiend. One of my earliest brother drama memories was him racking up a giant phone sex bill and my dad having to call the phone company and dispute it.

He told them that his son didn't have permission to access those kinds of numbers. Technically true, but he left out the fact that his son was like 22 or something and on leave from serving as ballast aboard the USS Truxton.

He used to lay in our family room watching low rent porn on Showtime (Red Shoe Diaries type stuff) with his foot up on the controls so he could change the channel when someone walked in (we lacked a remote).

I walked in on him watching two office workers dry hump and he impotently flailed at the TV in an attempt to change the channel. After a few wayward swings he turned the entire thing off and we were left there in awkward silence.

Without saying a word I walked to the kitchen, got my drink, and walked back out. I think the silence was more painful than any zinger my 14 year old brain could have uncorked.

I wonder if he still thinks about it. Anyways.

A few years back I was renting a house down in Queen Creek (ugh) so that my parents and two of my brothers could live with me. He was one of those brothers. I had to lock down our DirecTV after he ordered something called Cum Stained Casting Couch.

Again, he's a Minister.

One night my nephew and I were there alone and I got the bright idea to search my brother's room with a black light. I thought this would be hilarious. COME, LET US DISCOVER WHAT'S INSIDE!!

My nephew, who also sucks by the way, was all geared up and ready to go. We swept the back wall and thought maybe this might not be so bad... then we found a single stray shot. A harbinger of what was to come.

We followed the trail down to the back of the door, which seemed to be a landing zone of some kind. It looks like he'd been peppering it with sustained fire since he moved in.

The desk was the other hotspot. As my nephew swept the wand over the desk it started to look like gazing into a planetarium. Very quickly the joke was on us and I ejected.

I checked the doorknob before we left, then told my nephew to open the door.

The next stop was his bathroom. Keep in mind the bathrooms were cleaned at least weekly, so this is AT MOST a week of his handiwork.

DID HE GET ANYTHING IN THE BOWL?

This man is so disgusting he personally gave one of my other brothers a complex about hand washing. The dude never washes his hands (it gets worse), which you can tell by the state of the light switch.

He lived with a family friend for awhile. When he moved in there was like 1/4 roll of toilet paper in his bathroom. When he moved out like a year later that same 1/4 roll of toilet paper was still there.

THE MAN DOES NOT WIPE.

Our operating theory is that his anal crevice is its own ecosystem, it exists in perfect homeostasis, and introducing or removing any one variable may upset its delicate balance.

It's like how sloths have a type of algae that exist only in their fur, I'm sure there are extremophiles that exist near his anus, forms of life like those seen near deep sea vents: too strange and too extreme for us to fully comprehend.

so as you may gather i'm not a fan