We have electricity again so OBVIOUSLY we're going to watch the Sonic movie that hit Amazon Prime today. #AnaWatches #KissmateWatches
Oh wow, they have rings for the Paramount logo and they look like golden donuts. #AnaWatches
#AnaWatches Oh no, they're starting with the freeze-frame "You're probably wondering how I got in this position" trope with Sonic being chased all over San Francisco by Jim Carrey flying the EPOCH from Chrono Trigger.
#AnaWatches Sonic takes us back to "the island where I'm from" which has been rendered to be as faithful as possible to his Genesis debut and the scenery looks so WEIRD because nature doesn't make neat little grids like that.
#AnaWatches "She was basically Obi-Wan Kenobi, if Obi-Wan Kenobi had a beak and ate mice. ...Turns out with great power comes great power-hungry bad guys."

This has more references than Ready Player One, help.
#AnaWatches My knowledge of Sonic is basically limited to the cool dysptopian television show I watched religiously as a kid, but Kissmate is upset that the villainous echidnas are not canon-appropriate.
#AnaWatches The tribe of Evil Echidnas are portrayed with indigenous clothing and headdresses and that seems, uh, super racist as a movie choice??
#AnaWatches "Obi-Wan" instantly dies as soon as she's introduced (well, no body = no death, so we'll see) and she uses the rings as portals to get Sonic to safety and yeah this is going WAY TOO FAST.
#AnaWatches That entire childhood flashback was a meager 3 minutes long and made no sense whatsoever without relying on cheap stereotype filler, i.e., Sonic has "great power" and "someone will always want it".
#AnaWatches We cut to "Green Hills" where James "Cyclops" Marsden is watching a speed trap on a slow day. Sonic speeds by at 300 mph.
#AnaWatches Things we like about Sonic so far:
- he holds turtles correctly like a burger
- he's sweet to animals

Things we don't like about Sonic so far:
- his soundtrack choices could be better
- a Mario joke that didn't really land?
#AnaWatches Sonic loves the nearby human town and all its residents, including "Crazy Carl" who puts down bear traps trying to catch him. Sonic's home aesthetic is basically Vanellope from WRECK-IT RALPH.
#AnaWatches Sonic has a fantasy life in which he's a "family" with Marsden and his wife so it's probably going to gut him that they're about to move from Green Hills to San Fran.
#AnaWatches His sorrows are otherwise basically if Dash from the Incredibles had been left to run feral, and I find myself pondering whether Speedsters get to have angst that isn't "I never get to really challenge myself."
#AnaWatches Like, idk, what if a Speedster who was less anxious about having to hide his talent and hold back and instead more anxious about, like, their terrible cooking skills.
#AnaWatches Anyway, Sonic has an angst moment and explodes with electricity. All the power goes out for miles, *including* a satellite in outer space.
#AnaWatches Wait, Carrey plays *ROBOTNIK*?! But he's...thin! They made Robotnik THIN?
#AnaWatches Wow, I just. Fuck you too, Hollywood. And while Carrey is capable of great acting, he's not bringing the goods enough here to justify thin-washing the character.
#AnaWatches You know who would've been good at this and is actually fat? Kevin Smith. He would've nailed this.
#AnaWatches Idk, we've been watching a lot of Carrey lately and this just feels kind of phoned in so far. It's no Count Olaf, is what I'm saying. Maybe he'll get better, but....they could've gotten an actual fat actor, is the thing.
#AnaWatches Anyway, Robotnik now works for the US Government in some capacity and he's been assigned to figure out what that blue explosion was that knocked out all the power.
#AnaWatches Carrey says he was trained "by Native American Shadow Wolves" so we're really hitting it out of the part on anti-indigenous racism. *wince*
#AnaWatches He instantly figured out the size, shape, and impossibility of Sonic, as well as his location. Troops comb the forest looking for Sonic. We're 22 minutes in and this is still going at a breakneck pace.
#AnaWatches I do like that Marsden is in an interracial relationship with a Black woman; I don't like that her sister is inexplicably antagonistic to him and accusing him of cheating when he's been apparently nothing but a supportive wonderful husband. Why??
#AnaWatches ANYWAY, Sonic plans to use the rings to get out of town before the soldiers (??) find him. But he accidentally drops his bag of teleport rings into a portal to San Francisco when Marsden tranqs him, thinking he's a raccoon.
#AnaWatches It's unclear to me how Robotnik can tell anything from Sonic's footprints since he's wearing shoes and not, like, leaving animal tracks.
#AnaWatches Marsden has gotten some good lines and honestly has been carrying the comedy aspect more than Carrey so far. ("Everyone calls me Tom. Except my dentist who calls me Tim, but it's gone on for so long that it would be awkward to correct him now.")
#AnaWatches I think the problem is that Carrey doesn't seem like he's having fun, whereas his whole act works better when he seems to be enjoying himself.
#AnaWatches Carrey immediately shows up at Marsden's house because of science-magic and threatens him with death. Sonic and Marsden barely escape with their lives. Tying Robotnik to the actual US military was probably a bad idea.
#AnaWatches Like, there's just all kinds of jurisdictional questions not to mention the world-building of Robotnik having flying PORTAL kill-droids, but this is still supposed to be present day because of jokes about Amazon's drone delivery plans.
#AnaWatches ...Sonic knows about Amazon drone delivery plans but he doesn't know what a phone booth is? The world-building is giving me a headache. I guess Marsden doesn't watch a lot of Die Hard when Sonic spies on Movie Night.
#AnaWatches It's weird how really nothing has happened and yet the plot is going way too fast. Robotnik found Sonic too fast, I think; that needed to build more suspense instead of being instantly magically easy to solve.
#AnaWatches Anyway, Marsden is taking Sonic to San Fran to get his rings (mostly because Sonic guilt-tripped him into it and for no other reason, and you'd think there would be Career-and-Relationship Worries about defying the US Government). They stop for snacks.
#AnaWatches Sonic has no impulse control whatsoever so while Marsden takes an unfunny phone booth call from Robotnik, Sonic dashes off to a nearby noisy bar and convinces Marsden to stay for an hour so he can experience earth-life.
#AnaWatches I have some kind of feels about them giving Marsden a supportive, intelligent, caring Black woman for a wife, establishing their relationship as healthy, and now she's just been shuffled out of the movie?
#AnaWatches Like, Marsden doesn't think to call her and let her know what's going on? That government agents might be coming to visit her? That he's on the lam with an alien?
#AnaWatches I think another big problem the movie faces is that Sonic feels like a 12 year old boy who just ate two dozen pixie sticks, so it's hard to like him if you don't love that sort of movie-child stereotype.
#AnaWatches Sonic starts a bar brawl and we get the Quicksilver-esque scene where everything stops mid-action so Sonic can run at full speed around the room and change things. It doesn't really work as well as the Quicksilver scene where he's rescuing people from an explosion.
#AnaWatches Sonic falls asleep eventually at the hotel while Marsden flips on the television and sees he's been branded a terrorist by the government. You'd think you might wanna call your wife about that!
#AnaWatches Robotnik, who claims to prefer the elegance of technology over gross brawn now physically assaults his underlings with fancy fighting moves when he's annoyed. What even is character consistency.
#AnaWatches None of this feels like Robotnik, to be honest. It's strange that they didn't just make Carrey a new villain rather than play an established one all wrong.
#AnaWatches Marsden confides about his new job to Sonic (who predictably flips out and yells at him) while Robotnik chases them in a tank with a magic harpoon gun and like- what. WHAT?
#AnaWatches How did Robotnik suddenly find them on this road? Why does he have a magic tank with magic harpoons? What is the technology level here? Why didn't they just make Robotnik an alien too, rather than have impossible technology the US government does not have?
#AnaWatches Marsden has a wounded hedgehog so he decides that now he needs his veterinarian wife. Wife and her Sister freak out at his arrival and Marsden, a white man, has to berate them to be quiet. Sister-in-law then sees Sonic and faints to the floor.
#AnaWatches I'm always really uncomfortable with plots where a key conflict is that Character A wants Character B to feel more relationship than they do. (That was the only thing I didn't love about Lego Batman, too: Joker's insistence that Bats admit they had a relationship.)
#AnaWatches I think it's because I have a lot of unwelcome experience with stalking, but like. Sonic has a whole fantasy of Marsden in his head and he's upset that Marsden isn't matching it, when Sonic is a total stranger to him. He's *not* Sonic's dad, and shouldn't have to be.
#AnaWatches Oh my god, Marsden's character physically tied the Black woman sister to a chair in order to restrain her. She begs her daughter to be set free so she can use the restroom. This movie so badly needed, like, a sensitivity reader for racism.
#AnaWatches Marsden explains to his wife that he needs to take the blue alien hedgehog to San Fran and she agrees that, well, his job is to help people so this seems worth being a terrorist on the lam from the government for.
#AnaWatches They leave the sister-in-law tied up while they "borrow" her car over her objections. And they let Sonic drive.
#AnaWatches They arrive at San Fran and get up to the building roof and recover the rings all within 5 minutes and with no trouble whatsoever, which is kind of what I mean about the pacing. I expected "getting the rings back" to be...harder, somehow.
#AnaWatches Sonic says his goodbyes, but now there's a zillion Gladys drones and Robotnik in the Epoch. Insults are traded and Sonic calls him "Eggman" because of his "flying eggs". Oh dear.
#AnaWatches Robotnik fires on the three fugitives. Sonic pushes the humans off the building and goes into Fast Mode to destroy all the drones (ably demonstrating why Robotnik shouldn't be a threat to him!).
#AnaWatches He flings a ring to teleport Marsden and Maddie into a hayloft back home, though their falling momentum should still kill them no matter how much hay they fall into.
#AnaWatches A local hayseed asks for Marsden's help since a cow is about to give birth. This is supposed to be humorous but why is he asking the cop and not the veterinarian with him?
#AnaWatches Sonic runs and Robotnik follows in the Epoch and now we're caught up to the beginning. I still don't understand why they didn't just make Robotnik an alien; he's... literally blowing up San Fran with a plane that ostensibly belongs some branch of the US military.
#AnaWatches A chase scene happens which really ought to be interesting, then Marsden uses a ring (how?) to leap onto Robotnik before he can eviscerate Sonic in the middle of the street For Science.
#AnaWatches Sonic almost dies but a dose of The Power of Friendship from the townspeople gives him magic lightning powers which he fires at Robotnik. He then beats up the Epoch by flinging his body at it, which is really the closest we've gotten to an actual Sonic game.
#AnaWatches Marsden opens a portal to the mushroom world (how? how does he know how to work these rings? Sonic had a map and shit!) and they push Robotnik into it. I guess he's Mario's problem now.
#AnaWatches Marsden and Maddie briefly remember that they left her sister tied up (she's still tied up), and vow never to see her again since it would be awkward. Cool, cool.
#AnaWatches A general shows up to thank them for not telling anyone about "recent events" and to clear up that whole terrorist thing. He gives them a $50 Olive Garden gift card and recommends the NeverEnding Pasta Bowl.
#AnaWatches And now Sonic lives in their attic because he's their adopted 12 year old alien. It's sweet but, like, I'd rather see Sonic as an adult because the dystopian television cartoon was really good and I miss it. BLUE STREAK SPEEDS BY.
#AnaWatches The credits make me want to watch WRECK IT RALPH again. Oh, and an after-credit sequence shows Tails looking for Sonic on earth. He flies.

The end? Apparently they're planning sequels for this, but I hope they get a better script.
#AnaWatches The pacing was really way too fast, several major obstacles were solved much too quickly, and it felt like the heroes never really faced a challenge more meaningful than a magic teleporting villain with limitless wizard-tech.
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More from @AnaMardoll

20 Feb
Today I realized I really dislike the movie trope of a character going from "can't wake up in the morning, always running late" to "early bird, totally collected in the morning" as a narrative shorthand to indicate their gained maturity.
As a general rule, whatever is keeping you from waking up in the morning--staying up later than you want, not being able to fall asleep, not getting rest no matter how much you sleep--is a medical condition that needs attention, not a maturity issue.
But instead we've made being a morning person something that is:

- morally better than everyone else
- a sign of maturity
- something anyone can do if they try
Read 5 tweets
18 Feb
Alright, I'm going to explain this one more time because I keep getting tweets like "people who vote for politicians who let them die of hypothermia deserve to die of hypothermia."
The people who voted red in Texas are, by and large, relatively fine right now. Yes, the storm has hurt them but the storm was going to hurt everyone.

But. They're either rich enough that *their* power wasn't cut off or rural enough that they have fireplaces and wood and wells.
Those millions without power are in places like Dallas county and Tarrant county and Harris county, I.e., the urban places that have the highest concentration of blue voters.
Read 16 tweets
17 Feb
There are people who will willingly reduce their power consumption (within the limits of what is safe for them) in this sort of emergency, and there are people who...don't.
We went to my parents' house to shower yesterday and had to go around explaining that their Christmas tree lights probably aren't ~essential~ right now. (*deep breath*)
Mom is definitely a "catch more flies with honey than with vinegar" person, so we tried to be nice, but I cussed up an angry storm on the way home.
Read 4 tweets
15 Feb
Really grateful that President Biden is sending aid to Texas, even though we didn't vote for him in the election.
Before the last President, that was something you could sorta take for granted that a president would *do*.
We've been cut off from the power grid for 36 hours. ❄
Read 10 tweets
13 Feb
Praying for wisdom tonight--my dump stat--because I think Kissmate needs to go back to the ER but there are rather big impediments in the way. Like an impending snowstorm.
Alright, the pain is intense enough that we're going to the ER again. I hate this and I'm so scared.
I'm gonna put the tip jar out just in case, but I know we literally just did this 2 weeks ago and I'm so sorry. PayPal.me/AnaMardoll
Read 18 tweets
12 Feb
The issue with folks wanting to still be fans of Whedon's works or JKR's works isn't that you can't enjoy problematic things, but that a lot of folks still want to be fans of harmful things as part of their *public identity* without giving space for people to be wary of them.
If you have Hufflepuff in your profile or a Buffy picture in your header, a lot of people don't know where you stand on abuse. A lot of people want to still be viewed as basically a good and trustworthy person in spite of making a harmful thing part of their public identity.
No one is coming to your house to burn your Harry Potter books or Buffy DVDs. The defensive "WELL YOU CAN'T TAKE BUFFY FROM ME" stuff all over my Joss Whedon viral tweet is from people who want to still make "loves Buffy" part of their internet handshake.
Read 12 tweets

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