So I drank alcohol for the first time on my 19th birthday, my first one in college, all my friends had tried it before sometime and I was desperate to experience this shiny and cool thing, hated it, but didn't give up on it bc didn't get a "hit" and wanted to experience that.

Finally managed to drink enough to experience it the next time and it was pretty cool? Like I felt numb, all drowsy and tipsy and enjoyed it. But I was just drinking like once a couple of months, so no big deal, right? Mostly social drinking, so it was all cool in my book.

Two years later, I remember noticing that I drank 10 times in a span of 40 days. I thought, "huh, that's a lot, but I'm just drinking with friends and having fun so it's all good, riiiight?" And I kept thinking that until January this year.

I was out with my best friend and sad about smtg, I drank a bit too much, cried in the bathroom, don't remember ordering the shots after cocktails. I was about to pay the same bill twice and asked a random passerby to drop us to our dorm, thinking he's a cabbie (no clue why)

I had puked quite a few times before but I puked enough to need a bucket to avoid going to the toilet again and again that night. Woke up after a blackout, feeling like absolute shit. After a heart to heart with my best friend, realised I had a drinking problem.

This might seem trivial, it's almost normalised to have blackouts but I knew it is a problem bc I was using it to cope with being sad, which is being dependent on it (classification of alcohol dependence in image for anyone who needs it). And I didn't want that.

I was trying to go cold turkey when I met somebody with ADHD who made me realise I probably have it too and how it makes us more prone to self medicate and get addicted. A couple months and almost an official dx later, I'm sure that alcohol was definitely a problem for me.

It's really hard to not drink, esp when your friends are drinking. Esp when you know you can feel numb and escape from the constant monologue in your head if you drink. The quietening of the static in my head was one of the best things about alcohol for me.

But I'm thankful for friends who try to support me in this and for being privileged enough to have a therapist I can discuss this with. I'm proud of going through what was the hardest time of my 22 years of life sober back in Feb. And I hope I can continue this way.

I should stop rambling and idk if anyone's reading this far but if you think it is a problem, if you're using alcohol to "cope", it IS a problem, even if it's "normal" in your peer group. And you're allowed to make the healthier choice for you, physically & mentally.


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