Journal Entry #4517

I feel kind of empty, even though I just submitted my grad app. I wasn’t expecting to feel this way.

I thought I’d be celebrating, and yee-hawing. I thought I’d be posting a very different message to Twitter.

What’s up with that?
I think it’s because I know I did something in the last few seconds which compromised me. Compromised me in the sense that I didn’t act according to my judgment. My judgment was it would’ve been better to submit hald-and hour late but edit it one more time. I didn’t do that.
If I had, I think I would feel the groundswell of emotions that is just my normal self these days. How could I not celebrate! Aaah, not merely the submission of this app, the months in the making, but the incredible, shocking, flabbergasting turnout from friends this weekend
in supporting me writing it all the way. I feel the undercurrents. The swell hasn’t gone. But it’s covered up by something important.
It’s important to me to feel this sense of compromise when I don’t fully act how I want.

It’s important for me to feel this sense of compromise when I don’t take an extra moment to go up the right set of stairs instead of the left, or stay a second longer to see someone I wish.
It’s that sense of compromise that comes out of a sense of pride, in the integrity of my actions and a connection with my heart, that I haven’t always had. I thank that sense of compromise because it told me today—you had a better judgment in your intuition, and you ignored it.
I ignored it because I felt on the thin edge of a line. I ignored it because I felt social pressure, conformity, to the solution that made sense.

Deviating from it creates a kind of pressure in us all, and those who can live freely care not for it, and others do.
I want to notice that pressure and feel popped free from it. Free to dress silly when I go out. Free to sit by myself eating strange icecreams sitting on the trees. Free to be a weirdo, literally unconcerned with how strange this seems, because I care.
I have a life I want to live, and I’m going it. The moment is shocking. It’s walking free out of an invisible cage and realising nothing bad happens. No one actually cares. No one cares. These rules are mine to break, and the consequences mine to bear.
Having said all this, I feel a return to freedom, a desire once again to post the thread I had been dreaming about, the one where I give a bottom-of-my-heart “I see you” to all the people, friends, and mutuals that showed up for me this weekend.
Truly, I couldn’t have done it without this place. I know, because the last time I tried, I had one of the worst weeks of my life.

I want to honour that week. I want to feel all of its pain. Again. And again. There is something in there for me. A childhood and heart and desire and fun and fundamental unconcernedness to extract. I cant imagine anything more fun than going into the pain and finding those there
This has to be one of my strangest threads. Truly, unapologetically, a journal entry, and once I didn’t care to edit. I love all those of you who show up for me in little ways, and I look forward to supporting you all.
Thank you, myself, for contacting me.

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