I'm sick today, I don't know why, it might be a medication reaction??, so it's time for a terrible Amazon Prime movie.
SANTA JAWS: "A young aspiring comic book artist is gifted a mysterious pen that brings his drawing to life. Now his creation Santa Jaws begins to devour his family and they must battle for survival against this creature." As one does.
We open with an evil Santa man threatening a pretty girl until her boyfriend saves her by kicking Santa into the water to be devoured by sharks. A shark fin surfaces while menacingly wearing a Santa hat.
Slam cut to a comics shop; everything we saw before was IN the comic and the creator--a young boy named Cody--can't figure out how to end the last panel. He and his co-writer Steve can't decide whether the ending should be happy or sad. (I resisted a "naughty or nice" joke.)
(Don't worry about me--Kissmate has swathed me in blankets and Advil and much ice water to drink. I'll be fine.)
Cody heads back home where Mandatory Holiday Celebrations are occurring. Family roll call:

- Nice grandfather; sweet
- Stressed "normal" parents
- Older jock brother; decent sort
- Day trader uncle who arrives with:
- Young "Instagram model" girlfriend
Maybe they can't say Instagram in movies, because she says she's a Snapstagram model. She talks in emoji speak, saying "L-O-L" instead of laughing.
Cody has little time to stress about family because he's in trouble: Mom receives a phone call about an "offensive cartoon" he circulated around school protesting the introduction of mandatory school uniforms. (The cartoon seems to be the principal wielding a whip.)
Mom is terribly unreasonable about this teenage infraction, grounding him from attending a major Christmas Eve "comic party" he's been looking forward to because what will the neighbors think about his anti-uniform screed, etc.
Grounded in his room, Cody finds a present from his grandfather: a beautiful wooden pen case inscribed in German. (Wer diesen Stift hält, hat groBe Macht. Mit GroBzügigkeit im Herzen, kann es nur gut. Votsicht, wer es nutzt für egoistsche Gewinne. ...I think.)
Cody takes out the fountain pen and immediately tries it out by tracing over his Santa shark, Santa Jaws.
In the harbour, a magical green light glows and the shark manifests. Early in the morning, grandfather convinces Cody to go fishing with him and they can stop by his Christmas comic book party after without Mom knowing.
Cody and his grandfather talk about Cody's latest crush: a new neighbor who is a track and field star.

Cody accidentally spills a mug of eggnog in the water (OH NO) and a SHARK CYBORG instantly surfaces from the water to eat Grandpa.
...Kissmate says it's not a cyborg, it just has glowing red eyes.
Cody runs home in a panic and tells his parents that a shark attacked Grandpa. Mom calls him a liar, threatens to take all his art supplies, takes his cell phone, and grounds him further. We hate her, but it feels a little over the top, characterization-wise.
Cody frets about disobeying the rules but people are in danger! He packs his bags, pulls on his best Christmas sweater, and bikes to the comic shop to tell them what happened.
We learn the...backstory of Santa Jaws. She was born the runt of her litter but gained size and power by eating Evil Santa. AS ONE DOES.
Meanwhile, Instagram Girlfriend is having fun on her boyfriend's yacht. "My followers are gonna be so excited! They haven't seen me in a bikini for months! Hashtag Christmas Spirit!!"
Despite the movie's best effort to make me hate her, I kind of don't? She selfies for her followers while Uncle struggles with a string of Christmas lights caught in the propeller. Santa Jaws monches him.
Elsewhere, Cody has to talk to his Neighbor Crush (Jena) because the comic store owner gave (?) her the only copy of Santa Jaws and Cody and Steve need it back (?) for reasons (???).
Jena relates that the comic is on her Dad's boat in the harbour.

Meanwhile, Miss Instagram tells Mom and Dad that Mike was pulled into the water by a Santa-themed shark. Mom doesn't call HER a liar or take her phone.
Elsewhere, a man dressed as an elf sits down at the end of the dock to enjoy his no doubt long and happy future.

KIDDING! Santa Jaws cuts both his legs off by pushing a boat gently against the deck. The kids arrive to his screams just in time to see him be eaten.
Everyone meets back up at the comic book store and Jena points out the obvious: as long as no one leaves the comic store, they should be safe--sharks, even magical Christmas sharks--being loathe to leave the safety of the water to enter the dangerous comic store environs.
Unfortunately, there are other people in town--most of them yatch owners and Cody's terrible parents. For reasons unclear to me, Cody wants to save them.
Steve protests that they have no weapons and Comic Store Owner points to his collection of cosplay weapons for sale which absolutely would not be battle-quality.
On a boat in the harbour, Santa Jaws tragically fails to eat Cody's terrible parents.
Cody pulls out his pen and Jena translates the German. Short version: it makes things real and you should never use it selfishly. Seems unfair to Cody; he wasn't being selfish, he just didn't know.
The kids and Instagram head down to the harbour with their weapons, planning to attract Santa Jaws with Christmas music. The weapons don't work against the shark, partly because the kids have no training in them whatsoever.
Instagram foolishly sucks a candy cane, attracting Santa Jaws, who loops Christmas lights around her midriff and pulls her in and underwater. Instagram takes the shark's glowing eye out with her candy cane, tho. Jena theorizes Santa Jaws can only be harmed by Christmas weapons.
They find a stash of explosives ("exactly the same Papa uses to kill boars at the camo" and like???) and dress them up with tree baubles. They then chum the water with sugar cookies.
The weapons clearly hit and hurt her, despite not coming close in the action shots. Steve is eaten. RIP, Steve.
Cody's parents threaten the comic book shop guy with guns until he tells them where Cody is.

Jena wonders if the pen could be a weapon against Santa Jaws, but they left it at the comic store by accident.
The comic book store guy--who is really skeezy--has used the pen to draw himself a car, bundles of cash, and a silent girlfriend. I thought people who used it selfishly were supposed to beware because their creations would turn back on them!?
The kids bike after the guy while the parents stand around on the dock and quote Tolkien, who did not deserve this movie.
Comic Book Store tries to escape via boat but the kids catch up to him and get the pen back. Jena falls into the water and is eaten. Cody and his brother try to work out how to use the pen to stop the shark.
"Create a candy cane big enough to impale her" makes sense but unfortunately all it does is make the shark more narwhaly. Now it has a candy cane horn.
Cody his family, draws holiday firearms, and shoots the shark. The shark sinks to Ave Maria, I'm not sure why?
*reunites with his family.
Cody gets his pen back and writes into the unfinished comic that whoever kills the shark gets a Christmas wish. He wakes up and everyone is alive, well, and doesn't remember the day before. His wish!! Such a happy ending!!

The end!!

• • •

Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to force a refresh
 

Keep Current with Ana Mardoll

Ana Mardoll Profile picture

Stay in touch and get notified when new unrolls are available from this author!

Read all threads

This Thread may be Removed Anytime!

PDF

Twitter may remove this content at anytime! Save it as PDF for later use!

Try unrolling a thread yourself!

how to unroll video
  1. Follow @ThreadReaderApp to mention us!

  2. From a Twitter thread mention us with a keyword "unroll"
@threadreaderapp unroll

Practice here first or read more on our help page!

More from @AnaMardoll

6 May
Well. That was an interesting post surgical checkup.
I'm still cleared to go back to work on Monday (and I kinda HAVE to; with Kissmate being fired, we can't afford to go on longer unpaid leave) but my holes haven't closed up. The surgeon was very upset.
There's a theory that scoliosis correlates to connective tissue issues, and surgeon says that might explain it. But she doesn't like my holes just gaping like that.
Read 4 tweets
6 May
Kissmate: Why did you throw that stuffed animal across the room at 4am? Bad dream?

Me, sheepishly: Oh! No, uh, I needed to remind myself to log into work today and tell them I'll returning on Monday.
This has been my method since childhood, on the basis that "why is Teddy on the floor?" prompts "OH, I didn't want to forget [thing]."
I tried keeping pen and paper by the bed, but then I woke up at 2am, scribbled a detailed writing note, and in the morning all it said was S A N D, best I could tell.
Read 4 tweets
6 May
This is Twitter in a nutshell, but: take down your bad ableist tweets so they don't keep spreading and hurting more people. Consider possibly apologizing, as a stretch goal. this was a huge mistake to ...
There's this weird idea that truly great people never back down, never apologize, and go to the gallows of cancel culture with their head held high. And I hate it? Just...take down your bad tweet, apologize, and stop hurting people.

It's not about you!
The solution to the issue of accountability is simple: take down the viral bad tweet and leave up the apology. If you're really really worried, include a screenshot with the apology.

But take down the harmful viral tweet that's coincidentally getting you follows and engagement.
Read 5 tweets
6 May
We're watching Pirates of the Caribbean (THE ONLY ONE) with the RiffTrax riffs, and I only just realized that the guy who wants to marry Elizabeth later is a whole adult in this scene of her as a child.
How is he giving her this gown TODAY when he plans her to wear it? They'd need to fit it to her!
How did I never notice before that Swann and Sparrow are both bird names, lol.
Read 26 tweets
5 May
Transphobic queer folk are out in force today with "if you look like a girl and dress like a girl, I should be allowed to call you a girl" and I can't scream loudly enough that I will "look like a girl" until the day I die no matter what I do because it's not a CHOICE I'm making.
Do you know how many people assume we're butch lesbians when we go out with short hair, flat chests, and "men's" clothes? There is no magic clothing, no hairstyle, no nothing that I can wear to signal "Not A Woman" to folks.
I live in a profoundly queerphobic area. The people who call me "ma'am" think they're being kind and inclusive by not calling me lesbophobic slurs. It just straight up doesn't occur to them that we're men.

And Kissmate has a beard!! Just saying!
Read 4 tweets
5 May
SECRET TO MARTIAL BLISS:

Marry someone who cares the exact amount you do regarding the question "who is that actor and where do I know him from".
There is a scale for this, I feel.

1 is like, "I don't care, he's an actor, of course he's been in other things."

5 is like, "I'll look it up during the bathroom intermission."

10 is, "I've already paused the movie to pull up IMDB and will do so again for 1-4 other actors."
We're watching 300 again in preparation for watching The sequel (ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME, OK) and I just blurted out "oh my god that's Michael Fucking Fassbender." at full volume.

"Who?"

"Prometheus robot guy!"

"OH I SEE IT NOW."
Read 4 tweets

Did Thread Reader help you today?

Support us! We are indie developers!


This site is made by just two indie developers on a laptop doing marketing, support and development! Read more about the story.

Become a Premium Member ($3/month or $30/year) and get exclusive features!

Become Premium

Too expensive? Make a small donation by buying us coffee ($5) or help with server cost ($10)

Donate via Paypal Become our Patreon

Thank you for your support!

Follow Us on Twitter!