Thread by @WildTonyAppears

Picking up this project after a half year’s absence. Now that Iam is six months older, he’s ready to evolve. That’s how this works, right?

He is no longer baby he wants power

Iam’s move set is pretty dubious for contests, but in his new Kirlia form he certainly looks cool… Alright buddy, time to get frosty 🥶 😎

I mean… he just peaced out with teleport, but who am I to dictate what’s cool in Verdanturf Town

Honestly everyone else, I’m embarrassed for you 🎀

Aaaaaaand another ribbon claimed without incident. 🎀 Y’all are just playin for second, baby

This jerkwad Camerupt keeps trying to squash our good vibes, what a loser!!

Crime never pays, Erupam. 🎀

…uh-oh…

Coming dead last isn’t very cool, Iam. Guess we’ll have to find a suitable fourth move to go with Return, Teleport and Shock Wave 😩

Hmm, will this help? Let’s take it to the judges and see how we go.

wait WHAT

I’d call that a new low. Back to the training grounds we go…

One of the issues with this ribbon challenge is that I’m playing it on a ‘dead’ game; one where I’ve used all the TMs and transferred all of the useful Pokémon. So now this Golbat has to win me blood money I can put towards tokens for Thunderbolt. Past gens were so stingy!

After multiple failed attempts at nailing this master rank coolness contest, I figured I needed a serious boost. Soulbat is enlisted to show off maximum swag in order to net me a crowd pleasing red scarf. 🧣

Iam also has to pick up a suitable fourth move. …What’s this? Double Team makes for a combination with Teleport?!

After eleven attempts, Iam FINALLY gets over the hump and masters the art of cool. 🎀 I can’t imagine the remaining contests being much easier, unfortunately…

Foreshadowing. You will learn to love us, curator.

Iam has more of a thinker’s body, making the smart contest the most obvious next choice. Does this moveset seem intelligent to you?

Hmm, these wins aren’t as convincing as I was expecting, and Iam is really coasting based on his appearance. 🎀 🎀

Ugh, outsmarted by a rock!!

Hey hey HEY none of that now mister

My girl Soulbat out here doing all the work so Iam can pick up a new trick is a reminder that the Kirlia fancyboy is not made for the battlefield. This could spell trouble for later, non-contest ribbons…

Sensing that the smart contest is my best chance at landing the artist ribbon for a high score, I had to net another pro-bitter ‘mon for a green scarf. Ended up with this gentle Poochyena who was carrying a Pecha Berry with him 🥺

Ma doggo am gud at smartness

Well that was the bitchiest contest ever. Competitors actually LOST points in the second round, which I didn’t even know was possible.

In the end, Iam was the best of the worst. A ribbon’s a ribbon, I guess. 🎀 🤷‍♂️

Turns out though, Iam is pretty damned good at being bitchy, and his claws truly come out in the master rank. Indeed, a master at work!!

It was hardly ever in doubt, Iam is a master once again! 🎀 🤓

Hey hey! My hunch was right, and this was the performance that caught the painter’s eye. 🎀 Quite the showing from the rising Kirlia star!

#fineart

I’m really running out of TMs I can use at this point, so I’m hoping that I can make up for my lack of beautiful techniques with the proven one-two punch of psychic attacks.

We don’t take kindly to smartness round these parts…

The first contest is the usual cakewalk, but the super rank is a little close for my liking. 🎀 🎀 How much longer can we stave off these pitiable extras??

Ugh, not my hated rival Erupam again…

Damn that beautiful bastard!!

Really feeling the pressure from the dearth of berries now. Down to the dregs, is Wolf pretty enough to land me a critical scarf?

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttt

Thankfully Iam scraped by in a mediocre hyper contest. One more beautiful struggle yet to go! 🎀

Yeah, this mishmash moveset just isn’t going to cut it in the big leagues. Back to the drawing board.

Oh don’t act like this is my fault you jerk

Alright, this new moveset is ultra defensive, but apparently there’s not a single combination in it. Reflect/Light Screen/Safeguard don’t stack? Lunacy!!

YES, IAM INVINCIBLE!!

In a strange phenomenon, none of the opponents were particularly interested in suiting the theme of beauty, so we just kind of dithered through unscathed. 🎀

Ok, so…. We’ve hit a major hurdle. Kirlia doesn’t have many tough moves in its arsenal to begin with, but apparently I’ve used all of the relevant TMs that would have given it a few techniques. Instead, I’ll have to make some money to buy some crowd-pleasing wussy attacks.

In case you’re curious, I grabbed that Dusclops during a day trip to Sky Pillar that I didn’t think was necessarily relevant to this ribbon challenge, alongside Soulbat, a Mawile and a Sharpedo. The nickname comes from my favourite petty tabloid headline.

After spamming Elite Four battles for money, recalling old techniques and pimping out Harmon for swag, I’ve got a weird moveset that might just work. Is this the dagger?? 🗡

Toughness can indeed be feigned through use of a saffron scarf

…umm why were they all so good in the second round? Ribbon well “earned” 🎀

They don’t like no pretty boys down here 😭

…unless he’s wearing a TOUGH YELLOW FASHION PIECE. 🎀

We’ve really hit our stride now, not even a one-two punch of my hated rivals Karpag and Erupam could slow us down. 🎀 Only one more contest to go!!

This… is… INFURIATING.

Alright, back at it. Surely Iam is tougher than this thing?

YES YES YES FIRST ATTEMPT IAM IS THE TOUGHEST BEAST OF THEM ALL 💪 🎀

After six months of on/off efforts, Iam has collected all of the RSE contest ribbons. I’d celebrate, but things are about to get a lot harder from here…

Prepping myself for the incoming Battle Tower ribbons, difficult at the best of times and amplified by the fact that Iam is awful between the ropes.

Can a showman really become a bare knuckle brawler? I guess we’ll have to wait and see!!

It won’t be for a lack of trying, though! At some point, Iam maxed out his EVs, so another cheeky ribbon is in our grasp. 🎀

The grind continues. Mama Soulbat is the only battler worth her salt, and though she can’t assist in the level 50 Battle Tower, she can at least help her teammates level up… slowly. 😑

Alrighty, initial testing phase for the Battle Tower begins. No hold items readily available and only some random teammates that qualify. Let’s see how the first seven go before switching things up.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME

So this team is… pretty awful. Just barely scraped by, even with the AI at its lowest. I can’t imagine this streak lasting long.

Alternate timeline Iam

Ugh.

They just cannot do it. Win streak peaked at 11, where a ribbon requires over 50. Looks like I’ll have to retool the lineup. 😑

As cool as it would be to win with underused Pokémon, it’s just not worth the effort. Time to bring in some ringers, named after #TeamCanada’s inspirational women making an impact at #Tokyo2020 .

Go for gold, girls!!

We. Stan. Our. Queens.

Iam is just dead weight at the moment and 56 consecutive wins isn’t feasible. Fortunately, he only has to be present for the final three to claim the ribbon.

You know what that means? Time to add another Olympic hero to the lineup…

This jerk triathlete almost ruined the whole run with a Recover/Double Team Milotic followed up by a Registeel.

Isn’t that thing legendary? Where did this random dude find one??

I actually hate this challenge. I have no idea why I signed myself up for this. The RNG is abusive, the AI is sleazy, and Iam is useless.

Read the room, you dumbass.

Another streak up in flames… is this really the best way to spend a Saturday afternoon? 😢 😆

YOU CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW SIR

Hate hate hate hate hate hate hate this RNG.

It’s go time…

It all comes down to this, a battle with Vince the… yodelling hiker?

Omg omg omg omg omg

I can’t believe it. Not only did I finally beat the level 50 Battle Tower, but Iam himself landed the finishing blow. At long last, the ribbon is ours!!! 🎀

To learn some new attacks and boost their XP for the final Battle Tower ribbon, the team are taking a trip over to Kanto.

Apparently all of these techniques are frightening.

While here, we managed to grab a bonus title. Unfortunately league champion ribbons don’t stack in gen 3, but it’s nice to come away with a souvenir. 🎀

After months of training, Iam and the girls are finally at level 100. All it took was 41 runs of the Kanto Elite Four… -_-

Aaaaand we may as well take this freak with us, too.

Back on home soil. Let’s see how we go in the big leagues…

Four wins off a ribbon, and Maude misses the Meteor Mash before getting bolted into oblivion. I hate this challenge. I really do.

This motherfucker done messed up my shit 🤬

Poor beautiful Ezi got his claw stuck in a button hole but he recovered nicely. So too, am I ready to recover from my many setbacks to overcome my final opponent, the indomitable EXPERT JOEL.

Oh oh oh OH OH OH OH

WE DID IT. Maggie and Maude shouldered the load and Iam never even showed his pitiful face in the final showdown, but a ribbon is a ribbon, and the Battle Tower has been CONQUERED. 🎀

Fun fact: I was listening to Wind by Akeboshi on repeat when I won at the level 50 battle tower, so I opted to return to it during the final skirmish at level 100.

…henceforth, this is Iam’s theme.

It took almost the entirety of 2021, but Iam has at long last gathered every ribbon Hoenn has to offer.

This may prove to be the most gruelling chapter for my ribbon master, but it is only the first of many.

Drink up, you sassy Kirlia. You’ve earned it.

Of course, before he left home, Iam had to trounce one final foe.

He is now the champion of Hoenn, taking some of his oldest friends to the Hall of Fame with him.

After a short trip from one end of my DS to the other, Iam has arrived in Sinnoh.

I’m pleased to say, he looks sassier than ever.

Other than the five other Hoenn migrants who made their way into Pal Park, Iam is a little light on resources in Sinnoh.

We’ve got a flier, we’ve got a surfer, and Iam somehow smuggled his BrightPowder past customs.

First off, I introduced myself to this lonely spinster who lives by herself in Sunyshore City. We will become familiar with her ranting in due time.

Then I hobnobbed with the elite. There was an awkward moment where they underestimated my social standing, but it was smoothed over in short order.

I sank 10K on Iam’s first Sinnoh ribbon, then left without saying a word. Hmph! 🎀

Next, I happened upon this dude, who straight up declared Iam to be mediocre. Ugh, tell me something I don’t know!

Fortunately, Sock is still cool. We can grab some scarves through his slick connections. 🧣

Back to the industry that made Iam a star… it’s time to try out the Super Contest!!

I did what now

WHAT IS GOING ON WHY IS IAM DANCING AND COSPLAYING

Somehow even a disoriented, lumbering Iam is more attractive than the alternative. We win! I guess?

Despite looking like an absolute fool, Iam collects the Smart Ribbon. I might stick with the lowest ranked contests while I get to grips with this bizarre feature. 🎀

Though Iam appears not to understand what is going on, he is regardless somehow very good at it.

Call me the bus driver, coz I am taking these kids to school 🚌
🎀 🎀 🎀 🎀

In an effort to deceive people into thinking Iam is my friend, I treat him to a daily massage.

The enthusiasm the woman has for this service makes me uncomfortable.

The first of seven pity ribbons, courtesy of this sad, lonely woman. 🎀

Back to the contests we go. In case you were wondering, the crowd fucking loved this ensemble.

Even with the hodgepodge moveset, Iam hasn’t been challenged as we move halfway through the contests.

Five more ribbons added, including the… Smart Ribbon Great? 🎀 🎀 🎀 🎀 🎀

…I just had to open my mouth, didn’t I?

That’s more like it. Stay cool, Iam. 😎

After merely one loss, Iam swept the Ultra round with relative ease, adding five more ribbons to the tally. 🎀 🎀 🎀 🎀 🎀

The commoners flocked to catch a hint of our gospel… we declined, of course.

…

🎀

Now tackling the Master rank Super Contests. Is it just me, or… does this chick and her dead balloon mean business?

Oooooof, I guess they finally got sick of me assembling a costume like a five year old playing dress ups. Time to actually try… Iam hates trying…

Nothing says intelligence quite like…

Iam the Flexible. 🧐

Hey, #PokemonBrilliantDiamond and Shining Pearl dropped today! …

You’ll have to wait for a while before testing it out, Iam. You’ve got classic Sinnoh to conquer yet.

I’ve been stonewalled by these master contests, so I’ll have to collect more accessories to doll up my Kirlia.

Every 200 steps in Amity Square could yield a puffy cloud, so Hoenn import Hicks joins me for a stroll.

The lamest way to spend a Saturday 🎀

This store in the backwoods will supply fancy trinkets in exchange for berries.

They clearly do not recognise the value of these items if they’ll shill them for berries, I should rob them.

So far, the dancing section of the contest has been Iam’s downfall.

As such, I registered him for a practice session. He somehow even failed that.

Additionally, I’ll have to go all-in on a proper contest moveset, which means dipping back into the well of forgotten techniques.

…use Metal Sound one more time, you piece of shit. I DARE YOU.

FINALLY, Iam inexplicably takes an early lead in the visual round, carrying him to a convincing win and mastery of the smart division. 🎀

And yes, the winning outfit was a whole ass vibe.

I still don’t have a blue scarf, so I figure the beauty contest will be particularly cumbersome. Not so fond of this moveset… we’ll see if it impresses.

Maybe I can earn a blue scarf this gen? I wasn’t great at berry mixing, but what of Poffin…ing?

…I’ll just leave it to the professionals.

Ars is beautiful!! Christmas is saved.

This time, Iam blitzed the acting contest to claim victory on his first attempt. Another master ribbon is ours!! 🎀

Not a lot of cool moves at Iam’s disposal, so we cobbled together a ‘maybe ok’ arsenal. It’s really more tepid than cool.

The brief called for ‘the created’, so this contestant has created a monkey that is on fire.

Nailed it! We were able to coast by on the visual round, though that lacking moveset nearly bit us in the end. No matter, we’ve got the ribbon! 🎀

Toughness ain’t Iam’s shtick, but we’re on a roll… right?

Johanna…? Who the hell is this?!

…I hate Johanna.

You have no idea how sick I am of this asshole, too.

Deep and meaningful Sunday convos. 🎀

A new work week begins with new mediocre interactions. 🎀

Despite his stellar performance in all categories, Iam was robbed of a win in favour of Jasmine’s sleazy Steelix.

Politics, my friends… politics! 😡

Iam has hit a major hurdle with these last two contests, but at least he can still stock up on peripheral ribbons. 🎀

Out-toughed by a friggin Chansey… 😣

My new strategy is soft resetting until I get a favourable lineup of opponents.

…This is not that lineup. *reset*

Don’t worry Julia, I’ve got a few tearjerkers to recommend… 🎀

Unfortunately, the touch screen on my DS is playing up, and it’s making the visual portion of super contests a pain.

Since my Platinum copy is stuck in the DS (don’t know why lol), Iam is being deported to this surly lout, ANTHONY, who shouts his name for some reason.

Inebriated late night contest? This is bound to go well

How come ANTHONY can’t wear the dress shouldn’t he look pretty too?

Oh no it’s Jumpy
The scourge of Carpathia
The sorrow of Moldavia

Shit

Shit

Shit oh wait WHAT

By the narrowest of margins, Iam has somehow toppled the apex Kangaskhan and at last proven his toughness. Remarkable!! 🎀

One contest to go, and it’s Iam’s most dreaded category - cuteness!

From his days as a wee Ralts, he always treated this event with disdain. Hopefully, he’s still aww-inspiring!!

Who would have thought I’d ever figure out this dancing segment. Iam’s got his boogie shoes on now!

It was hardly ever in doubt! Iam gets one up on Jasmine and her Steelix, and with that, has netted every super contest ribbon. 🎀

YAAAAAAASSSSS

Now that we’re moving onto battles, Iam has to assemble himself a team… but what Pokémon will prove effective in the unforgiving Battle Tower?

Speaking of battles… it’s finally time to do something drastic…

Yes, our little Kirlia fancyboy is finally taking the next step and reaching unforeseen heights.

Ladies and gentlemen… meet Iam the Gallade.

Finally, our boy has credible stats to his name. He’s still wearing his pink scarf, because there’s nothing wrong with being kawaii.

Feeling creative with my team building this gen, and revisited Hoenn to acquire a helpful ‘mon.

This is Herman! He won’t be seeing any use on the battlefield.

Herman’s legacy is that of a prickly daddy.

Shitty weekend, fuck everything

Bought a ribbon 🎀

Under the tutelage of mama Soulbat, a new squad is ready to tackle the Battle Tower. There are many more variations of battle here - will this prove the greatest challenge yet?

Here are the players.

Iam’s teammates are named after anime characters this time. Any you recognise?

Early returns are fairly convincing. Puri-Puri softens them up in the leadoff, and Iam cleans up the rest.

Iam actually being competent in battle is quite the sight to see!

Alas, I got swept twice in a row by a Dodrio.

Who would have thought assembling a team of frail and/or sluggish Pokémon with an overwhelming weakness to birds would backfire?

Back to the drawing board…

To rectify our earlier team-building folly, Mama Soulbat took a day trip out to the Johto region.

It was actually more of a night trip - being a bat and all - but the point is, we’re bolstering the roster.

…Wicked Lord Shingan is ready to bend reality.

A third straight run, undone by a Dodrio.

What is this nonsense?! We are literally at one failure per head by now.

The good thing about the gen 4 Battle Tower is that there are a healthy dose of alternative combat styles to be tackled.

The single battle is doing my head in, so I’m pivoting towards the Multi Ability Ribbon, which pairs you with an AI colleague.

This guy sounds tough, yeah?

…instant regret.

Finally we reach our first Battle Tower checkpoint! The father of local boob Raoul has heard of my skills, and wants to test his luck.

Puri-Puri got OHKO’d by Palmer’s Dragonite and WL Shingan was toasted by a startling Rhyperior Flamethrower, but my baby boy Iam was able to carry us to the finish line!

First Battle Tower ribbon in hand!! Now to hit 50 wins… 🎀

…We then lost the very next battle. Back to the start we go. 😑

The conservative playstyle of a Spikes lead isn’t going to cut it in the ultra-offensive Battle Tower, so it’s back to the wild to acquire a new combatant.

New team member prepped… will this one finally get us over the hump?

The great thing about running the E4 to power level is that you end up with a lot of spare scratch.

Consequently, Iam is rewarded with a Christmas ribbon. Congrats, dude! You did nothing to earn it. 🎀

…She’ll do.

Alrighty, RaoulDad™️ downed again. Let’s see if we can get a bit further this time!

…Ugh.

Hate this. Hate this a lot.

Iam’s ribbon challenge continues into 2022, and I’ve lost three straight battles against Palmer’s B-team.

WL Shingan’s Mirror Shot is constantly missing Rhyperior, and yet, opponents are hitting me with OHKO attacks 9 times out of 10. 🤬

Still working at this ribbon challenge when I can! Iam has been receiving massages semi-regularly, and apparently he’s been pleased enough to warrant a ribbon. 🎀

Picking up the ribbon challenge after a *long* layover and we’ve got to mix things up again. Just like in Hoenn, Iam needs a ringer to get the team through the early struggles. Meet Yuki!

Yuki’s role is to cheese the enemy AI while simultaneously shutting down their cheap gimmicks. It worked well on this sleazy little Double Team/Toxic/Confuse Ray/Protect Dusclops carrying Leftovers. Take that Taunt and suffer, you miserable ghoul!!

LOL, this was a failed attempt but a gratifying way to end the battle anyway. Stupid critical hits are handed out like door prizes in this game!

*expletive*

R N Geeeeeeeezusssssss

Received a lovely surprise package from my mom! Now I’ve got a squishy little Iam to have and hold for real! Plus my girl Penny and a Leafeon, too!! 💚

Still plodding away, trying to make this ribbon challenge a thing. The longer the streak, the more I begin to stress out.

Perhaps I should follow this cyclist’s advice?

The Multi Battle ribbon is a particularly strange one, reliant on my partner’s AI carrying their weight.

I’ve learnt that targeting legendaries helps. Why does this Buck fellow have a Cresselia and a Registeel? Doesn’t matter to me! Let’s go.

…The Registeel just spammed Substitute…

A critical lesson I’ve learnt is that moves with less than 100% accuracy can jeopardise an entire streak.

I’m not so great at the slots, so I just bought the 10k play coins necessary for Ice Beam. Yuki may be a ghost, but she doesn’t have to terrify me as much anymore!

One gentleman understands the struggle. The other, I think, is a shameless gambler with no true love for the game.

…I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

OH OK LITTLE GIRL IN A PIKACHU COSTUME THAT’S FINE I GUESS

She has a Dragonite and a Magnezone as well? Who is this child?? 😱

Scratch Shiho Scraaaaaatch!!

We were able to topple this beefy CurseQuake Hippowdon in amusing fashion: Shingan’s maligned Mirror Shot dropped its accuracy by one stage and somehow, that allowed Iam to dodge an entire Earthquake.

Science!

Also almost got bodied when a Focus Blast Tangrowth/Sceptile duo nuked Shingan.

Carrying an all-grass roster, however, played right into Yuki’s hands.

“Anyway, I started blasting!”

This one got real cute with an Arena Trap Sand Attack Dugtrio playing defensive for a sleazy Double Team Leech Seed Ludicolo.

Iam decided accuracy calculators are for losers. 🤷‍♂️

Satisfying technique is satisfying.

36 matches, down the drain…

Down to the last Pokémon with 1 HP… yeah, I’m having a stressful morning.

…Please, just give me an AI partner without a single status move… -_-

…Sheer Cold Abomasnow.
…Explosion Claydol.

Screw this. Tired of this cheap ass RNG crushing 40+ win streaks. I’m going back to the drawing board.

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