Watson Profile picture
14 Aug, 14 tweets, 3 min read
On nights like this, when I'm home alone with nothing but my thoughts for company, my mind always manages to wonder back to my trans days.

Except it's different now. I'm realizing how much I've grown and healed since then. It doesn't keep me awake anymore, just pops up.

I really, truly despised being a woman and really, truly desired to be a man. I don't think I ever wanted, or will ever want, something that much again. It's amazing, remembering how certain I was that I should have been born male.

There were no doubts in my mind. None.

I'm not sure exactly how to put my thoughts into words. I'm now a healthy, happy adult, but I have memories of a time that got so dark, so horrifically fucked up, that sometimes I think of my past self as a different person. Literally.

It's hard to believe I once him. Her.

Looking back, I'm certain all I needed was a good psychiatrist to help me work through my issues. So much could have been avoided, had I been given that.

But I wasn't and, well, here we are. I've made peace with it, but I shouldn't have had to.

I think I'm on the cusp of full recovery.

I've worked very hard with myself and, thankfully, also had help and understanding from friends and family. I think, at this point, I can say I have complete control over my gender dysphoria.

It's nowhere near what it once was.

It's still here. I still have hope that one day it'll be gone. But, honestly, even if it's never fully gone I'm just so happy that I identified it's cause and have worked to manage it on my own.

I learned the hard way that confronting thoughts rather than burying them works.

I don't miss the injections. I don't miss the voice at the back of my head constantly reminding me that I'm an imposter in male spaces. I don't miss the internal arguments about how I wanted to be a man but knew full well I'll never be one. I don't miss the lie.

Transition helps a lot of people; I've seen first hand how many trans men and trans women have thrived in transition. But for me, detransition was my savior. It helped me come to terms with myself, my sex and my past.

I could never have done that while being affirmed. Never.

I don't actually have a point to make. I'm just typing my thoughts as they occur to me. I guess what I'm saying is, that mentally unwell young woman back in 2012 was in dire need of help. Help she would never get from professionals. But help she would eventually give herself.

I regret my transition.

But, I cannot deny that – like every experience – it made me who I am today. And I actually like who I am today. Do you know how impossible that once seemed? I can't believe I'm actually happy with myself.

What I've learned in all this is mental care providers need to treat dysphoric people as people first and as dysphoric second. All the times I sought help, when they heard “gender dysphoria” that was all they focused on. When they heard “gender identity” they just affirmed.

I don't have an agenda. I think adults should be able to transition and live their lives as trans if that's what makes them happy. All I want is for dysphoric people to be given exploratory talk therapy first – transition can (and should) come later for those who'd benefit.

Alas, I happen to be one of those cases who received no exploratory talk therapy, was unquestionably affirmed from the beginning, and then had to pick up the tattered pieces of transition regret largely all by myself. And it wasn't easy.

I wonder why it had to be like that.

I don't want to take healthcare away from anyone (quite the contrary). I have no idea what I could possibly gain from doing so. All I want is better care for dysphoric people, because I know, had I been given better treatmen,t I'd have avoided a lot of unnecessary pain.


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More from @ImWatson91

13 Aug
Genital discussion incoming.

Some side effects of taking testosterone as a female include: male-pattern baldness, acne, increased risk of cardiovascular issues, high blood pressure, producing too many red blood cells, infertility, type 2 diabetes and vaginal atrophy.

When I was informed of these risks (sans vaginal atrophy, my clinic didn't mention that) I thought “Whatever, I'm cool with taking those risks.”

And so preceded the positive side effects talk.

I was told-

My period would stop, great.
My voice would get deeper, great.
My fat would redistribute, great.
My facial and body hair would come in quicker and thicker, great.
I'd gain more muscle mass, great.
And my clitoris would enlarge, great?

Read 10 tweets
11 Aug
When I was early in my transition, I never got upset when I was misgendered. I understood that, when I didn't pass, it was bound to happen. And I understood that even when I did pass, slip ups were going to happen now and again.

I've never understood the outrage that some trans people express at being accidentality misgendered. I certainly didn't understand the view that “when I'm misgendered it's extremely distressing. It's so hurtful, you're denying my existence” etc.

If pronouns can cause you extreme distress then isn't the problem with you? No healthy, well-adjusted adult gets *that* upset by a slip up. I think rather than screaming at or crying about an accidental misgendering, you need to learn to cope with life more than anything.

Read 5 tweets
10 Aug
The thing I appreciate most about other detransitioners is, in my experience, they don't just agree with you to be a part of a “community.”

If a detransitioner disagrees with me, they tell me straight. They don't just nod along because “wE dEtRaNs NeEd tO sTick TogEthEr.”

I see detransitioners disagreeing with one another all the time – good. You should say how you feel, never feel pressure to self-censor. I think that's because many detransitioners learned from their trans days (especially if once 'woke') how horrible a hivemind truly is.

Was talking to a detrans woman last night (if reading, I still love you) and she called me out for misgendering Chris Chan. I explained why I will never call Chris “she/her” and she countered with why she disagreed, and I appreciate that. We agreed to disagree and moved on.

Read 8 tweets
8 Aug
I've said in the past that my entire family was supportive of my transition, but that's not exactly true.

My dad was unapologetically opposed to it, initially. He was having none of it.

My dad doesn't mince his words, he tolerates no bullshit and is a purveyor of tough love. But his kids mean everything to him; he's went to hell and back for me and my sister.

When I told him I was transitioning, he looked me in the eye and said “I don't have a son.”

I was hurt but I knew my dad. I knew it would take time (and he has SINÉAD tattooed on his arm, so wasn't happy to hear I'd changed my name...)

For the 2 two years of my transition, my dad stuck to his guns. He introduced me to people as his daughter while I had a beard etc.

Read 7 tweets
5 Aug
It pisses me off how many trans men I know who don't give a shit about their health.

They don't bind safely. Don't aspirate the syringe to check if they're in a blood vessel. Don't book appointments for female-specific health checks. Don't get their hormones/bloods checked.

It pisses me off because I used to do those things, too. I know the mentality. “I'll be fine,” and “if my doctor hasn't said anything, then it can't be that bad.”

And they laugh it off when I raise concern.

Well, your doctors aren't doing their fucking jobs, then.

I completely understand that dysphoria makes certain aspects of health care difficult but Jesus fucking Christ guys, you're life is more important than a few minutes of embarrassment and discomfort.

Read 6 tweets
26 Jul
The problem with “communities” is they tend to speak for people they have no business speaking for, ironically drowning out the very voices they purport to amplify.

“They gay community-” unless that sentence ends with “is made up of gay people,” it is false.

“They gay community supports kink at Pride.” No, it doesn't. Some gay people within the community support kink at pride, but many don't.

“They trans community supports trans kids.” No, it doesn't. Some trans people within the community support trans kids, but many don't.

I have never claimed to speak for the “detrans community” because I'm aware that there are many detransitioners who hold different opinions and beliefs from me.

I'm not a spokesperson for the “detrans community,” just as you are not a spokesperson for the “LGBT+ community.”

Read 4 tweets

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