Gentle reminder that I am very, very, VERY enamored of fashion and if you think of me as "That rude lady who goofs of people" please know that tonight I'm a whole other person; "That rude lady who has thoughts about dresses."

I'll thread it from here. Or, mute me.
We begin with a...side-mullet.

@cameronesposito is the only person allowed to wear one.

This is a bold decision without being a good decision.

#MetGala2021
Oh, Ilana.

This dress is a drain-trap of bad ideas. Unless I learn later this dress has singlehandedly restored the coral reefs I'm sticking with "Oh, Ilana."
I'm sensing it's to be a fluffy night. Maybe relief at being allowed to walk free once more? I don't love it but she looks sweet and it's not as bad as Ilana's dress and hey, apparently we're grading on a curve now.
And, as always, it's "Take Your Daughter To Work Day."

(Before you ask, she's gestating a tiny grandeditrix)
It means "We Were Pretty Sure Delta Variant Was Going To Close This Down, Got Distracted, Someone Left The Greeking In Place."
Called it; it's going to be a fluffy night.

She's the head of Instagram. You'd have thought she'd know about visuals.
Damn right.
Fun fact:

The tuxedo as we know it was designed by an American to be worn in Tuxedo Park, New York. So, you might say, like jazz or baseball, an American invention.

@KENBURNS, I EXPECT PANNING SHOTS OF OLD DINNER PARTIES WHILE PETER COYOTE READS DRY-CLEANING BILLS BY EOY.
You're going to do opera gloves, they need to fit.

Maybe I misunderstood; maybe she's here because the Gala bathroom toilet backed up.
The adage "Before you leave the house, take off one accessory" has existed only for this moment.
Every 17 years, the Dan Levy rises and flies around, looking for a mate.
Americana, cowboy, okay.

But also a little bit, "Shit, it's...TONIGHT? Let me see what's clean."
Yes, it's not the most fascinating dress but Amanda Gorman actually glows and her book is a purse and she's perfect.
It's a bathing suit. Which, I'll grant you, America has a long history of innovating.

But, it's a bathing suit.
"I want to be both the cowboy AND the bar girl sitting on his lap."

"Got it. When can you come in for a fitting?"

"Oh, I'm sure it's fine without a fitting."
After all, who is more American than Bettie Page?
I suspect I'm too stupid to understand this piece.
And THAT'S how an opera glove should fit. Also, everything else.
Utterly dazzling. Don't envy her having to sit down, though.
"The theme is Americana, Saweetie."

"Nah. The theme is Body Ody Ody."
That's, uh...

not Yara.
What a gorgeous color for her. I usually find apricot insipid but this is how you do it correctly.
Virtually no man is well-served by a white dinner jacket.

Turns out, this is because Simu Liu was hoarding all the WDJ handsome.
Fun fact:

Under each of those sleeves is a perfect 7/8ths scale model of Billy Porter.
"The theme is Camp."

"Actually, Nas, that was two years ag-"

"THE THEME IS CAMP."
The dress is deeply personal to Osaka, blending her Japanese and Haitian roots, so I'm just going to say...good for her.
More fluffiness.

After a few years of watching her evening wear choices, I'm going to say she's a real girl's girl.

Good for her.
"Before I left the room, I took off one accessory."

"Was it your shirt, Lorde?"

"...maybe."
Every good Texas girl instictively understands how to wear this exact dress and half of them would like to be buried in it.

I'd have cut one element from the dress but it's age-appropriate and I LOVE HER HAIR COLOR ON HER.
She looks gorgeous, it fits her like a dream and I really, really need someone to unlink the "Mermaid cut" and "Divine" wiring in my head.
"Hello. I think the theme is 'Lucky sperm.'"
Update:

It's shorts and it's Prada so of course they didn't bother to make sure the shorts actually fit her properly.
ALL OTHER FLUFF MAY SIT THEIR FLUFF ASSES DOWN.

I assume both the cage and the headpiece will be jettisoned for dinner but also want to pretend they won't and a third of the room behind her won't see the show.
I know the theme this year is too nebulous for most to try to manifest but @MjRodriguez7 is serving enforced elegance in the most American way I've seen tonight.

How adorable is he? But the sleeves are too long.

Took her two years but apparently Karlie has finally figured out camp.

"And the good news is, you can wear it after the wedding!" the bride promises you, again.
What is more American than early 70's Elliot Gould?

"Give us your tired, your poor, your Dollar General Store room dividers, yearning to breathe free."

#America
Hunter Schaefer giving us that quintessential bit of Americana, "Fighting a huge bug while waiting for the Lean Cuisine to cool."
During the time it took you to read that, Pete dated and broke up with five more unbelievably beautiful women.

No, it didn't need earrings. Please correct for this on the ride over.
I want to leap through this computer screen, down the cords and wires and whatnot, and hoik up that top.
French designer creates dress referencing movie about English starring a Belgian woman and a British man.

Americana, all right.
This dress is utterly insane (it took 1400 hours to make) and this is why I watch the Gala; because sometimes it's just about the sheer magnificent spectacle of what highly talented and trained people can create.
Ah. Someone read the syllabus.
Tiny, perfect, hugely-talented dolls who remind you that you really should stop right now and go moisturize.
I know this references both America and her husband the Sport Person but now I'm forced to meditate upon how the rest of the world was all, "Football; the game you play with feet?" and we were all, "NO THE GAME YOU PLAY WITH HANDS MURICA."

And then we ate an eagle.
I pray Prada is paying her to wear this.

I pray Prada is paying her A LOT to wear this.
Oh, Maisie. So many elements. You'd think with them all being the same color and the same fabric and there being relatively little of it, they wouldn't get into a death battle.
"Grimes, that's not exactly the theme."

"Theme?"
"Give me a haircut poncho and then a skirt from a completely different idea."
Right, she's single again.
DENIM, THE AMERICAN FABRIC.

SHE UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT AND LOOKS LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ralph Lauren is not a designer.

Ralph Lauren is a stylist.

These are costume elements atop a fairly straightforward.
Guess the fillers didn't sit right.
When you understand the assignment but also are not taking the class for credit.

Fun fact:

Archetypically American doll Barbie was based on a German sex toy men fondle. The first Barbie is serving class German mean-face.

Anyway, here's Kristen's take on Barbie. The clothing is meh but the hair is fun.
DENIM WE UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT.
"I wish to resemble a pigeon-toed sullen party rectangle."

Prayers are answered, Lily-Rose.
This shade of blue is seeing a lot of action tonight. I'm not sure I've seen it done better.
I'm bored.
This is @HaileeSteinfeld.

This... is @HaileeSteinfeld.

This is...@HaileeSteinfeld?
@danjlevy and this @NikkieTutorials have reminded us tonight that America doesn't get to be America without our #LGBTQIA family.

@danjlevy @NikkieTutorials Margaret Qualley, going as the dead children in American classic, THE TURN OF THE SCREW.

(By the way, there's now at least two ex-girlfriends of Pete Davidson here tonight but, honestly, he's probably already dated broken up with four more just on the red carpet)
Unemployed Actor Reminds Producers She Has Taken Off Baby Weight, Can Play Younger
Thank you to everyone who sat through this with me and for those who muted me...

good choice.

Until next year, I leave you with this:

@lilbbgq Brought the first Americana fashion lexicon and was powerfully beautiful. I was scrolling for images last night and didn’t see her.

Our loss.
READ AND UNDERSTOOD THE ASSIGNMENT 10/10

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More from @quinncy

11 Sep
"Talks too much" and "Not working up to her potential" became Court Jester.
Court Jester origin story:

I was seven and had committed some recess infraction. The act is lost to the mists of time but I know me so let's assume I had run my mouth when silence would have been the better choice. The recess teacher took me aside for scolding.
Guessing I didn't appear repentant enough because she ended with, "...and now you're going to have to stay in for recess for the rest of the week!"

I remember few things from my life.

I remember that moment.

My first thought was, "Good, I can read in peace."
Read 5 tweets
11 Sep
A small story:

Consort and I struggled in silence, occasionally trading consonants.

"L-"

"B-"

"R-"

"F-"

So much "F."

When the @RenttheRunway reviews keep noting, "Huh, this dress is small around the waist," it may, in fact, be small around the waist.
Also, I might have noticed this person had the waistline of a drag queen who hadn't eaten in a week and was cinched for Jesus. I might have considered that I am basically a sentient carbohydrate-host.

Might have.

Didn't.
"I have," I finally gasped, "both a liver and a pancreas. I think we call time of death on me and this dress and I get the next one."

"It's not you," Consort lied supportively, "It's the zipper. It's jammed."

"Yes," I agreed, "On my flesh," but I appreciated his kindness.
Read 24 tweets
9 Sep
A small story:

"Oh," Consort said happily, "You look pretty."

"You are mistaken," I said.

Another day, another dress. I had run through the first three, all which had been chosen to confront a specific maybe-baseless fear of mine. Which left me with...
"I look fine. This is a fine dress," I continued, poking fretfully at the dress.

Consort wore the stricken expression of a heterosexual man who suddenly finds themselves in the middle of a sartorial conversation with the woman he loves, the ground around him seeded with IEDs.
Read 23 tweets
5 Sep
A small story:

"Put the block," the yoga teacher said, "Under your sacrum."

"Crap," I said, because I was at home and she was in Zoom and talking out loud to myself is a fun new character trait. I flung myself over, got the block out of the armoire where I keep yoga stuff.
Or as I prefer to refer to them, "Accessories."
I lay on my back, lifted my hips and without warning my brain shouted "CAN TOM LEAVE SAN CLEMENTE," which seems like the sort of thing which should alarm me more than talking out loud to myself but no, I knew what this was. Once, a very long time ago, I took Biology class.
Read 10 tweets
4 Sep
A small story:

"I can't believe it," the Bernini angel at the front desk cooed, "I don't even work that often and I've seen you two shifts in a row."

"That was always going to happen," I said.

()

We chatted fashion as he ran my credit card.
"I LOVE today's dress," he said, gazing at me searchingly, which let me know that, in fact, I had babbled my small adventure in a post-Ketamine haze to him and, possibly, strangers on the elevator. I swung around to flaunt dress movement and we entered into fashion steno.
"Galliano, Dior?"

"Yes, GAWD. McQueen, the THEY SHOOT HORSES?"

"Please and thank you!"

"LOVE," he pronounced, then added, "What's today's challenge?"

"Yellow," I said because I'm mostly afraid of yellow and I should be, because it's mostly a ghastly color on me.
Read 26 tweets
3 Sep
A small story:

I brought out the @RenttheRunway bag and considered my options. I was having lunch with a friend, two quick errands, no dissociative trip bracketed by long vehicular trips; an easy day.

Best to get an ornery one out of the way.
When I decided to partake in this incredibly tiny sartorial adventure one of ways dresses got ruled in or out was "This makes me mildly uncomfortable in one small, non-lifethreatening way."

More "I think split sleeves are maybe unflattering," less "The sleeves are aflame."
Some of my choices were more obviously poking at my self-esteem than others. A small day could handle a bigger poke, as it were. I pulled out a hanger of what could best be described as "Overcooked fabric noodles." Or, after I hung it on my arm, "Saint Bartholomew."

"What?"
Read 23 tweets

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