drew olanoff Profile picture
14 Sep, 47 tweets, 7 min read
actual thing our electrician just said: you have a raccoon nested in your attic. did you guys eat king snow crabs, because he has a bunch of them up there.

(we did not have any snow crabs)
i am surprisingly calm.
apparently it has been there for a really long time because it has, in our electricians words, "a nice fuckin' setup"

it also hissed at him.
"it's got a lot of them snow crabs, they're stickin up in the air"
april: it must be hot up there, how is he comfortable?
me: we have a massive exhaust fan, it's probably the coolest room in the house.
this is the shit they don't tell you about before you move to the suburbs.
*OF COURSE THIS SITUATION WILL BE HANDLED HUMANELY*
hearing my wife on the phone repeat "yes, we have a raccoon in our attic, can you help us?" over and over has me laughing my ass off.
we're calling a place called "critter control"
we’re getting as many appointments as possible but this calendar invite sent me
i know april is nervous because she just gave a wildlife place her name and said "april, like the month" WHICH SHE NEVER EVER DOES
she's giving someone a credit card number so this might be good news
(IF YOU EVER SAY THIS TO HER, YOU WILL BE TURNED INTO DUST IMMEDIATELY)
please help, @nickkroll and @mulaney!
apparently we should be charging rent.
*PHONE RINGS*

"Yes? Hello. Yes. We have a raccoon in the attic. Yes. We'll be home all day. Yes. OK. Sounds great. Perfect." - April
Live look at the war room
here's a review for the place that is coming
It’s somewhere in there. It’s very spacious tbh.
I am so removing this sign
we think kris will be here around 2pm ET fyi
our guy pat who is working on the bathroom just got here. i told him the story about the raccoon and his first question was "where the fuck did it get the crab lets from?"

GREAT QUESTION PAT
all of these interactions need a philly accent tag. trust me, it's great.
UPDATE: Kris will arrive at 115-130pm ET
i do want to point out what a badass @aprilolanoff is, but neither of us want to throw hands with this thing.
we thought that Kritter Kris (our name we gave him) was here, but it was a propane guy. we have multiple crews here and it's getting really hard to manage. we have to prep them on the "Raccoon Situation" as they enter the house.
kRIs is here yo
"It's very hard to snare a Raccoon in a small attic." - Kris
"It's basically a dog fight." he says. BUT WITH A RACCOON
pray for him.
(Kris has 35,000 hours of this type of work)
we can't hear anything, so no wonder why this raccoon has been living rent free in our attic.
Ok folks. Here’s the last update. What a ride.

It wasn’t a raccoon it was a possum. And more importantly….it wasn’t crab legs. Everyone is safe.
This is a very happy ending.
cc @darth
both @aprilolanoff and i would like to thank you for your support, advice and company during these trying times.
if you would like to hire kritter kris, you can find him here: montgomerycountywildliferemoval.com
moral of the story: see something, say something. when you live outside of a city, there are critters who will invade your space. please do your best to find a humane solution.
oh and for those of you that have asked, we are of course not upset with our electrician. they're fantastic. he felt bad, but we told him not to!
this is the greatest piece of art i've ever seen
Whew.
we don't feel so crazy now en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Crab-eati…
retiring this extremely eventful and very odd thread.

♥️

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