Good evening and welcome to the 2nd greatest annual occurrence of the year…. The first iteration in the weekly series of the finest cultural memoir ever recorded….. And the most time consuming thing I have ever committed to… Yes, we’re back, with Week 1 Power Rankings
To be clear, this account is satire, and the only thing that should be taken serious is when I say ZLong’s girlfriend chooses his fantasy lineup. No fantasy decisions should be made based on advice from this crying liberal woman. I cannot provide good advice, i mean, look at me
The 1st greatest annual occurrence was on Sunday just in case you were wondering, this is not a public forum that is just the truth

Onto the Week:
Week 1’s biggest surprise and ultimate loser of the week are the Men from Bellaire, Mr @myles_crichton . Normally, under the ever watchful gaze of their all-knowing GM, the Bellaires……..try really hard…….but the beginning of this season has left Myles searching for answers to
get his team back to their wi…….having so much fun………ways. We’ll see if it was maybe just the fact that the team name doesn’t make sense without Clyde on the roster anymore. It is equally as impressive as it is unfortunate that the Bellaire’s scored only 89 points with 2
flex positions, but when 70% of your starters score 0 points I guess that’s your reality. Books across the country have odds as high as -120 that Crichton is fired before week 3
In 11th place scoring a meager 106.9 (nice) points and generally being regarded as the second worst fantasy GM in the league according to the yahoo rankings and power rankings joint committees, sits @VFLBobbyB and the Show me your TD’s. Yes, the season has started, but nobody
Calvin Ridley or Rodrigo Blankenship, or actually his entire team. But Bobby couldn’t get away from taking his favorite colleges best players in the nfl, so now, we suffer the consequences of our actions.
Zlong actively tried to give the game to the TD’s (we’ll get there) but the GM of the year in 2017 seems to have lost all ability and it showed on the field
In 10th Place, Hailing from his mom’s basement eating some crust brownies, appears a Mr @WillHensley16 and the ‘Gavin is a Bitch’s. He should have known after making heinous statements that crust brownies were better than middle brownies
to a league filled with the finest brownie connoisseurs this side of the world that his draft would go the way that it did. But this is week 1 and in week 1, the Gavin is a Bitch’s were mere inches from pulling out the victory and sitting on the throne of the elite
as he normally does. I have never had a grown man call me crying as much as Gavin did on Monday night up by .6 with 4 min left of a 20 target Darren Waller game so its hard to pass criticism of the 7th highest scoring team
In 9th place, at 0-1, having only needed 4 more bips to take the dub, is @BeeposaurusRex and Goldman Sacks, chris works in finance just fyi.
Honestly, opening week couldn’t have gone much better for a lot of teams in the top 10 and yet, someone has to lose in life in order for someone else to win (a lesson I cannot fathom because I am a woman screaming in the street).
Next week it doesn’t get any easier as the Sacks travel to whatever cave Cam Sine lives in for a showdown with the Colt 45s
In 8th place, talking that wet shit to the man that beat his cheeks all week, and also suffering through a nail biting loss by his Tennessee Titans, is @JordanE23_ and Mahold my Dick. It’s a pun on Patrick Mahomes somehow, I know, let him have it, he doesnt have a lot.
He does have a decent team this year, putting up 142 in week 1, but when you start Ronald jones over Jaylen Waddle you deserve whats coming to you. The cocksmen gave Jevans a gift by only playing with 9 men, but Jevans said “I can do better” and started Ronald Jones
7th place, if you ain’t first you’re last has never rang so true as Sunday when the second highest scoring team of the week failed to notch the w and is @MatthewPetey and the Jerry’s Slampiece Ex
scoring the 2nd highest point total and losing is something we all know all too well, well, not me, but all, Petey specifically in this case. Many people questioned whether Wyoming had done the same thing to Petey as it did to Kanye after the Slampiece’s selected Nick Chubb at 3
but Petey’s team definitely put those people on notice. It was a valiant effort put out by the slampiece’s (that was great wordsmanship) but this week was not the week to only score the 2nd highest points in the league
In 6th place holding down the final playoff spot if the playoffs for whatever reason just started next week, which we can totally vote on if yall are cool with that, ill put a poll out, just let me know…are the Bad Beats who are sometimes coached by @Zach_Long20
Like I said earlier, probably doesn’t deserve to be here having scored the 13th highest points this week but that’s fantasy. We will get to the bottom of which personality on this app told Zachary to play mecole hardman
5th place, scoring 126 points, and really not needing to set his lineup since he was playing myles, is @camsine10 and the Colt 45’s and 2 Diggs Zags. The most redeeming part of fantasy football is watching your closest friends suffer agonizing bad beats and misfortune
on the most holy day of the week and this week was not unlike any other. Cam sine had to sit, with his Miller Highlife in hand, and cheer for his opponents entire roster. Why?
Cam and his opponent share a love for the Green bay packers, which happen to all be owned by the lowest scoring team of the week. So while his team may have won on the internet, his team suffered a beatdown at the hands of Jameis Winston. Which begs the question, is Aaron washed?
4th place is @NotouriousG_A_V and Will’s Long Ass Neck…..drama is not a word that should be used lightly here. I think this rivalry as well as this particular matchup deserve 1000 words: inserts screenshot of gavin winning by .6
Crying during football is the only acceptable time a man should cry, and now we all understand why it was exceedingly ok here, just the raw emotion of this matchup as each GMs team went back and forth like the great boxers, Logan and Jake Paul. GGs men
In 3rd place for now, is @Riley and The Cocksmen. I only say for now because as we speak there is an artful trade involving Frank Gore being sent to the Cocksmen for CeeDee lamb that I am sure will be well received and Riley will finish in 8th. This is the way.
this week, Riley’s opponent started Ronald Jones. It was funny last year jevans, its 2021 now, grow up. MVP Matt Stafford and slightly overrated CMC lead the charge for the Cocksmen this year, maybe they will lead it for longer than 6 weeks!! Next up is zlong so that’s an easy w
2nd place and 1st place in Young(ish) Guns division is @TheLope96 and The Tevin Bowlxans. The bowlxans also tried their hardest to throw this one away starting a certain Matt Ryan who reportedly was up all night doing blow in the bathroom of hanna’s with Calvin Ridley but alas,
the dub was secured on the back of ….. TE1 TJ Hockenson? Next week is the always hyped Battle for Jerusalem between the Bowlxans and Wills Long Ass Neck, for one of these teams 2-0 will feel so so sweet, for Gavin’s team it will just feel like another year of emptiness
And finally, coming in 1st place in the league, 1st place in the Old Balls division, and 1st place in everyones hearts…….sit……..a team that I never actually thought id get to write about at the top……the…..Barndoges. FUCKKKKK, yall really let me do this?
194 and its only week 1. Every single one of you is on notice, ive already spent your money because this shit is LOCKED UP. DONE. FINITO. Imma let yall finish but, the Barndoges really had the best draft of 2021 and it shows *enter Kanye meme*
See y’all week 2. Best of luck to everyone but @JordanE23_ .

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