@GavinWilliamson My highlight was when you threatened to sue a school if they didn’t stay open while the virus raged and then opened the schools for one day and then closed the schools, because of the virus
@GavinWilliamson NO WAIT it’s the time you assigned everyone’s grades using a shitty algorithm, crushed all the kids’ dreams for a while (completely pointlessly) before giving in
@GavinWilliamson No wait it’s the time you had all fucking summer to sort ventilation within schools and did nothing
@GavinWilliamson No wait it’s the time you turned down an offer to get free or cheap broadband for thousands of disadvantaged families whilst they were working from home on the governments orders, then voted against them having food
@GavinWilliamson I’d mention the time you didn’t know you were speaking with rugby player Maro Itoje and just sat there thinking “that’s Marcus Rashford, that is” but that was more of a fuck up you did in a personal capacity, an extra racism you did in your own free time.

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More from @JimMFelton

27 Aug
Why do antivaxxers think hospital is a non-stop wankathon
Claire’s uncle getting wanked off in one bay before informing the family, Jacqui’s friend behind curtain number 2 in between the distinctive sounds of shitting blood
Guess we know why they’re not taking the vaccines, they think if they get sick worse case scenario they’re going to spend a week being cranked off in the Queen Elizabeth Royal Infirmary
Read 5 tweets
5 Aug
Lieutenant-Commander Bill Boaks is one of the rare quite lovable dickheads. He was undeniably a prick, but for the force of good. Like a superhero whose superpower is to annoy the fuck out of you until you agree to stop doing crime.
Unlike a lot of wankers, Boaks was a decorated war hero. He was given the Distinguished Service Cross after helping the evacuation effort in Dunkirk, and continued to serve in the Navy until he retired in 1949.
With no more Nazis left to fight, Bill Boaks decided to fight the next best thing: People trying to get to work in their cars.
Read 17 tweets
7 Jun
A short thread about the only two people who have had sex "on the moon"

Sources here: ifls.online/2T9GVk0
Unless there's something that Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong didn't tell us about, there are very few people that can claim they have had sex on the Moon.

In fact, there are, so far, only two.
In 2000, a high-achieving student from the University of Utah lived out many a scientist's dream and joined NASA's internship program.
Read 27 tweets
13 May
My piece on how the Sun treats a former Sun journalist who drowned his wife in a bathtub vs some guy who was wrongly arrested for a murder he didn't commit.

See if you can spot the subtle differences.
Read it you cowards, it’s good.
Read 4 tweets
7 Apr
The Russian scientist who tried to create a human-chimp hybrid (in the worst way possible)

(Thread, sources here: bit.ly/2PLYw06)
There are certain people who should never be told to follow their dreams. Hitler, for example. Or anybody who longs to one day grow up, study science and get a human and an ape to to fuck in order to create a humanzee.
Unfortunately, nobody sat down Ilya Ivanovich Ivanov in his youth and told him to give up.
Read 28 tweets
7 Apr
A surprising number of sea monster sightings can be explained by whale boners

(quick thread, sources here: bit.ly/2PFRk5G)
For as long as there have been sailors on the oceans, singing shanties and saying pirate stuff about enjoying rum, there have been sightings of strange and fantastic creatures – from krakens to sea serpents and mermaids.
Reports of the Kraken – a deadly, gigantic monster that had a rather inconvenient hankering for human flesh – go all the way back to 1180, when King Sverre of Norway wrote of a sighting of the sea prick.
Read 16 tweets

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