Thread by @RyanHendry94

I want to talk today about “mate crime”, a specific form of disability hate crime.

I want to speak about it from the perspective as a victim of it, as I was a victim of it.

However, I only recognised that I was a victim of it very recently.

To set out some context, the events I’m about to described when I was between the ages of 16-18, and was still very much in the position of having no friends, so I was especially vulnerable to it.

To be honest I’ve tried to write this a few times now but I’ve stopped because I’m sort of ashamed but I figure I’ve nothing to be ashamed of.

Okay, so here goes. When I was 16, I met a person called “R” on a football forum I was a member of. “R” supported the same football club as me.

One day, we arranged to meet each other at a game. After that, we regularly sat together at games and would have a drink in the bar sometimes.

Now, I’d never really had friends outside school before so this was all completely new to me. So I was eager to keep this new friend I had made. At the start, I would always buy “R” a drink, when I was getting one. But he never had any money to buy me one.

This is how it started. I’d buy him a pint at a game, but he’d never buy me one. But again, I was just happy to have a friend, so I didn’t say anything about it.

Then, “R” would ‘forget’ to bring his wallet for a game, and I’d lend him the ticket money. He always say he’d pay it back, but never did.

Again, I said nothing, scared that I’d lose my ‘friend’.

But one day, I did bring up the ticket money with him, asking when I’d get paid back. He got angry with me, telling me that proper friends don’t chase their friends for money, so I dropped the subject, and didn’t bring it up again.

Soon, I was meeting up with “R” for things after football, like going out to bars and other social events. And again, “R” would regularly forget his wallet, and I would pay for his Carryout/entrance fee/taxi, on the assumption I’d be repaid.

My mum and dad at the time didn’t know any of this was happening. I didn’t tell them, because

A) I was 16 years old and in my teenage rebellion phase, and;
B ), I was under the belief that this all completely normal and above board.

In fact, I had routinely told my mum and dad how good a friend “R” was, and how he treated me really well and was helping me make other friends, so they were just happy that I was happy.

After a while, it started to go beyond financial things. “R” would agree to go on “double dates” with girls, and brought me along as the double. But he never told me it was a date, and I had no idea it was a date. I was basically there to tell the girl he liked how nice he was

And yes, unsurprisingly, “R” routinely forgot to bring his wallet on these dates so I footed the bill, which I just accepted as part of friendship at this point.

I know most of you are probably thinking how I didn’t see what was going on at that point, but I think the truth was that I knew something wasn’t right, but I also knew that if I tried to raise the subject, “R” could cut me off from all the new friends I’d made.

This went on for at least a year, and it went on and on, but cracks were starting to show in the whole charade. I had lots of my new friends telling me that “R” was not a nice person, and that I needed to be careful.

But again, because “R” was the person who introduced me to all these people, I was scared that if I said anything, he’d punish me. He’d physically threatened me (and others) in the past, and I had seen him use violence on someone before. I knew he was capable.

So again, I stayed silent.

But in the summer I turned 18, one night just became too much.

He took me to a rave, just off the Shankill Road, in the Woodvale estate I believe it was. Now he told me it would finish at around 11pm, and I could get the 11:30 train home.

11 came and went, and no sign of it ending. He said it would end “soon, and he’ll get me sorted for a lift”. Then he just disappeared for almost an hour. At this point I’m starting to get overwhelmed.

I’m tired. I’m anxious. The loud noises of the rave is hurting me. There’s drunk people everywhere. It eventually hits 3:30 am, and I hit my breaking point. I start crying uncontrollably, and just sit down on the roadside, rocking back and forth. I’m in meltdown.

But, because I was at a rave, it was half 3 in the morning and most of the people there had taken some sort of substance, my behaviour did not immediately raise any alarms. “R” told me to stop being such a baby and to grow up, and eventually arranged a taxi for me.

Now, he didn’t arrange the taxi for concern out of me, he arranged it because the girl he was with was worried about me, and he was trying to impress her so couldn’t just abandon me.

So I eventually got home at around 5 am, and as you can imagine I was in quite a state, and it was at that point my parents became aware of what was going on, which I imagine was a pretty painful and hurtful experience for them.

But here’s just how warped my mind was at the time. I was telling them how “R” is a good person because at least he got me home.

How warped is that?

I didn’t hear from “R” for a while after this, until a few short weeks later, when I was accepted into QUB.

And he invited me to a night out, but thankfully, my mother stepped in and would not allow it. Not a chance in hell.

I actually think my time at Queen’s genuinely saved me from this man ruining my life, because I very quickly met a great group of friends, who I am still close to, and they showed me what real, proper friendship is.

But the ties couldn’t break that easily. “R” would still sometimes show up to the same nightclub I was in, and I’d STILL buy him all his drinks and pay for his taxi, because I was still scared of what would happen if I didn’t. He threatened to tell my new friends “things”

I don’t know what these things were but I assumed it would mean I’d lose them, so again I just took the easy option and opened my wallet.

That is, until one night, one of my Uni friends asked who this person was, and I told them. Their response was, “Ryan, why the fu*k are you paying for his night out?”

At this point, two of my friends went over to confront “R” about what was going on, and he punched one of them, and was thrown out, but not before I heard him say to me “I’ll be waiting for you Hendry” which, as you can imagine, terrified me.

Thankfully, my friends also heard him say this, and when we were all leaving later that night, they literally escorted me all the way home, and from that night, I never seen nor heard from “R” again.

But, sadly the lasting effects stayed with me.

When I went to football matches with my dad, I literally stuck to him. I wouldn’t even go to the chip van on my own, because I was so scared “R” would be watching for me. I would glimpse him occasionally at games, and it scared me

That fear stayed with me for a long time. Anywhere that I knew he went in the past, I avoided, because the idea of him getting me was terrifying.

Linfield matches, something I’ve loved since I was a small boy, became an exercise in stress and anxiety. I could never enjoy the games properly anymore, because I was constantly on alert.

When my dad was there, I was absolutely fine, but there was the moments where my dad was away getting a cup of tea, or he’d nipped out at half time for a wee, and I’d be sitting there in a state of nervous terror, eyes frantically scanning the stand around me for the threat

Again, I think my dad was completely unaware of this, because again, I didn’t tell him. At that time in my life, I wasn’t very good at telling people things

@threadreaderapp unroll

This is actually the edited response of my friend.

I can’t put the full quote on Twitter but it was much more graphic and sweary and would probably get me banned from Twitter

This is what a proper set of friends looks like.

Thank you all for your kind words and support.

Trying to work my way through all the responses and reply to each one of them, but I’ve received a lot more than I expected to please bear with me!

Thought I’d share another photo, which includes a few of the group who weren’t in the first photo!

Anyway, I’ve now written an article on this subject. Check it out at @DGNofficial_

https://twitter.com/DGNofficial_/status/1452547599064522752