okay okay OKAY here are all 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

1. Slip out the back, Jack
2. Make a new plan, Stan
3. Hop on the bus, Gus
4. Drop off the key, Lee
5. Shit in the bed, Fred
6. Point to a squirrel, Merle
7. Spell your name Geof, Jeff
8. Fuck the maid of honor, Conor
9. Use one of your wishes, Aloysius
10. Make yourself skeerce, Pierce
11. Disguise yourself as Jasmine Bleeth, Keith
12. Take them to Sbarro, Charo
13. Raid Entebbe, Debbie
14. Use your bad breath, Beth
15. Change your Ursula address, Ursula Andress
16. Accept that notary position in Yorba Linda, Linda
17. Watch too much Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman
18. Get hairy and don’t floss, Glengarry Glen Ross
19. Get on the plane “the Rock” Johnson, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
20. Call them right after dental surgery so when they answer the phone they say “who dith?”, Judith
21. Blaine can I see you in my office
22. (closes door) Hey what’s going on, Don
23. "Judith who dith"? Really? "Skeerce"? This is some fucking bullshit and you know it
24. Oh um ha ha I guess i forgot how to “do dith”
25.
26. Sorry, I’ll come up with some alts. Waltz
27. Yeah, you’d better. "Jasmine Bleeth"? Are you fucking kidding me? Get it together or you’re gonna be coming up with One Way to Lose Your Health Insurance
28. Do you want the door open or closed, Donny Most
29. You can leave it open
30. Open Sopan?
31. Get out
32. Pee in their Brita, Rita
33. Leave the toilet all messy, Jesse
34. Hey are you okay, Ray? He really laid into you, Stu
35. Yeah, it was pretty sweaty, Betty but it’s no Biggie, Biggie
36. Why don’t you do sweaty Betty instead of trying to come up with something for Judith, why are you so fixated on Judith
37. (expectantly disinfectant Lee)
38. Oh, right, uh er um Judith Judith Judith um um um, er, uh... Gamera
39. I’ll give you fifty bucks for Um Er Uh Gamera, Christopher Plummer’s Camera
40. Why not, Phil Lynott
41. Bring home a capybara, Sara
42. Have your semen frozen, Ēbn-Ōzn
43. Update your profile on ChristianMingle, Kris Kringle
44. Sing Toto’s Rosanna, Roseanne Roseannadanna
45. Disable their front-facing camera, Um Er Uh Gamera goddammit this doesn’t work
46. Hire some divorce lawyers, Bill Moyers
47. Resign to spend more time with your femily, Emily
48. Better Ask Jeeves, Steves
49. Yes, that implies multiple Steves
50. Cosplay as ALF, Ralph

And get yourself free
here are fifty more ways to leave your lover just in case

1. Insist that you’re French, Dench
2. Insist that you’re Dench, French
3. Tell them you’re Moby’s Flowbee, Toby
4. Emit some weird smells, Belz
5. Leave Æsop on the shelf, Æ A-12
6. Go home for froyo, Holmes & Yoyo
7. Smoke marijuana with Madonna, Maradona
8. Quantum Leap into Roy from Siegfried & Roy, Troy
9. Hook them up with a cannibal in Battersea, Cannonball Adderley
10. Turn the doorknob, Bob
11. Fake your own death, Seth
12. Pull the rip cord, Gord
13. Run screaming down a damn alley, Adam Pally
14. Hide inside a jade pagoda, Abe Vigoda
15. Put them between you and a cassowary, Mary
16. Order rice pilaf even though you can get a baked potato after 4, Eleanor
17. Unfriend them on Facebook, Babadook
18. Ignore all their incoming calls-Wilder, Laura Ingalls-Wilder
19. Hire Dr. Kevorkian, you fuckin’ dorkian
20. Be mistaken for Bill Paxton, Bill Pullman
21. Mention you’re carless, Arli$$
22. Get great deals on a new Kia at Kia’s Fall Savings Days, Pia!
23. Meet a new pieman, Simon
24. Ghost them at Buca di Beppo, Zeppo
25. Go back to Wisconsin, Yon Yonson
26. Steal their identity, Lenny Dee

↗️ Promoted by Kia
27. Get busted for doping at the Tour de France, Tour de Lance
28. Say you saw Bosch here at Alcoholics Anonymous, Hieronymus Bosch
29. Hide in a cave (but not the one from The Descent, that was scary), Shepard Fairey
30. Join the yakuza, John Philip Souza
31. Hire a Reuben Kincaidian chef, Pink Lady and Jeff
32. Use too much Fabreze, Louise
33. Stage readings of your Mork & Mindy fanfic, Danzig
34. Die on the table, Mabel
35. Turn off your ringer, Winger
36. Hide under an airy porch, Larry Storch
37. Peel out in your plump Camaro, Botero
38. And then there’s Maude, and then there’s Maude
39. Go back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean
40. Blaine, my office please
41. Go back to the 5 & Dime, Jimmy Dean Jimmy Dean Jimmy Dean is just the Mary Hartman Mary Hartman Mary Hartman joke again
42. Hey my mom said I don’t work for you and you’re just made up and not to take any shit from you
43. Your mom died in 2011
44. I said FUCK YOU
45. Tear their pants with stretchin’ and ruin their shoes with retchin’, Gretchen
46. Become a hobo, Bobo
47. Get a tattoo of Hitler on the roof, Fiddler on the Roof
48. Tell them you have Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy, Roxy
49. And that you hate the Hudsucker Proxy
50. Irish Goodbye, Sly

And get yourself free
whoops! those were for my wife

1. Tell them you’re Andy Dick and to google Andy Dick, Andy Dick
2. Hide all the Splenda, Glenda
3. See them in hell, Belle
4. Go over Niagara Falls in a barrel, Darrell
5. Hide under their sectional sofa, Sectional Sofia
6. Get sentenced to life in prison with no possibility of parole, Bility Joel
7. Order bon bons with anchovies, Bon Jovi
8. Give them the heebie jeebies by flinging your feces, Phoebe
9. Introduce them to your friend Diane in ISIS, Dionysus
10. Jerk it at work, Kirk
11. Snap into a Slim Jim, Frank GODDAMMIT
12. Flood Mayberry with opioids, Opie and Floyd
13. Drink radium until you’re all glowy, Chloe
14. Get way too into Primus, Imus
15. Have a secret family in Argentina, Tina
16. Tell them you have diarrhea and then jump out their bathroom window down to the backyard, Maynard, then up and over the neighbor’s fence and down the street, Pete
17. You hear sirens and dogs so you duck into a driveway and run past a parked Corvette, Yvette and spot the keys on the dash, Mrs. Dash
18. You fire it up and start to back out of the driveway and a neighbor watering their lawn looks at you suspiciously so you put your mask on and give them a thumbs up like you’re the owner guy and you forgot to put your mask on, they smile and nod and wave, Dave
19. Fishtail onto to 210 East and use your Real Doll Chrissy to use the carpool lane, Blaine (all true! -- ed.)
20. When you hit Barstow you need gas so you stop at the Shell and run in to use the restroom and grab a couple of waters and maybe a Whatchamacallit. The Whatchamacallits look really old so you get a Hershey Bar, Barbara Hershey
21. When you walk out the ‘Vette is swarming with cops so you turn around and walk back in and act like you’re buying a little can of Pringles but they only have Sour Cream & Onion, Paul Bunyan
22. The cops spot you and tell you to freeze, don’t move, hands where they can see them, make one move and you’re fucking dead, Ed
23. You tell them you have diarrhea and then try to jump out their bathroom window down to the employee parking lot, Maynard, then up and over the Box Brothers fence but you’re shot multiple times in the ol’ back, Kolchak
24. Find yourself drawn toward a light, a pure light that speaks of your mother’s open arms, warm as a goodnight kiss, a smiling and loving light, Dwight
25. You are suddenly wrenched back, back and away, like a dog reaching the end of its chain, your mother covers her face with her hands and you FALL, FALL AS YOUR MOTHER CRIES GOODBYE IN HEAVEN, LOUDER THAN ALL WAILING AND GNASHING OF TEETH, JASMINE BLEETH
26. You wake up after months in a medically-induced coma and you don’t have health insurance because you spent all your money on a birthday party for your Real Doll Chrissy at El Cholo, YOLO
27. I guess you’re gonna have to find out sometime... Chrissy remarried. Sorry, Maury
28. Fly to Tahiti, sweetie
29. Sneak off to Bimini, Jiminy
30. Light up a fart, Bart
31. Then shit your pants, Vance
32. Just tell them you’re German, Sherman
33. Drench yourself in Axe, Max
34. Move back to Panama Panama Panama Panama, Pamela Pamela Pamela Pamela
35. Go all inert, Bert
36. Cop to your dickie, Vicki
37. Eat their Boo Berry more, Drew Barrymore
38. Just be yourself, Morrissey
39. Brag about your syphilis, Phyllis
40. Then YOU brag about your chlamydia, Lydia
41. Oh and Tony Orlando and Dawn are here, Gonorrhea
42. You’ve lost that lovin' feelin'
Whoa, that lovin' feelin'
You’ve lost that lovin' feelin'
Now it's gone, gone, gone, Elon
43. Jump down a laundry chute, Klute
44. Go into the Witness Relocation Program, Sally Williams oops
45. Outrun them at the Renaissance Faire, Claire
46. Mail them a mamba, Chumbawamba
47. Send them a pixellated dick pic, Mr. Mxyzptlk
48. Say their name backwards in a mystery clip on Sirius XM, Mr. Kltpzyxm
49. Just found out this bit is being cut for time

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More from @blainecapatch

7 Oct
okay okay OKAY i’ll list Rolling Stone’s 500 Worst Albums

500. Moondance -- Van Morrison
499. Young Sheldon -- Radiohead
498. Turd Smokin’ -- The Turd Smoker Band
497. Well Whaddya Know 99 More Luftballoons How About That -- Nena
496. Songs to Fuck To -- Leonard Cohen
495. Ima Rejuvenate Your Vagina -- Drake
494. Live at Yoshinoya -- Cheap Trick
493. Chevy Chase Christmas -- Chevy Chase
492. ASMR Chewing Noises -- Grand Funk Railroad
491. Now THAT’S What I Call Recording My Neighbors Having Sex! 12 -- Various Artists
490. The Pit and the Pendulum (audiobook) -- Andy Dick
489. Idahoication -- Red Hot Chili Peppers
488. Gilbert Gottfried Reads Falco Lyrics -- Gilbert Gottfried/Falco
487. Bruno Mars Is Me In A Motion Capture Suit -- Andy Serkis
486. Put ‘Em On The Glass -- Philip Glass
Read 110 tweets
4 Oct
okay okay OKAY i’ll rank all the Shakespeare plays

1. Nice Night For Fucking
2. The Parallax View
3. Comedy Central Roast of Queen Elizabeth I
4. Romeo and Juliet and Ted and Alice
5. Untitled Richard Burbage Project
6. Dream Police/ Live at Budokan (tie)
7. The Cheerleader Murders
8. Christopher Marlowe Is a Douchebag and You Can Quote Me On That
9. Macbeth Is Back (For a Limited Time)
10. Pericles: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Ben Jonson
11. Put ‘em On The Grass
12. 2 Shake 2 Speare
13. The Mystery of the Creepy Campground
14. We Just Call Them Faires
15. She’s Gotta Like It
Read 9 tweets
17 Jul
okay okay OKAY i’ll rank all the Bond movies

1. Dr. Schlepowicz
2. Don’t Get Killed Tomorrow
3. Vaginapussy
4. I Thought I Told You Not to Get Killed
5. Space Jam 2
6. Don’t Always Never
7. The Living Shit
8. Goldpenis / On Her Satanic Majesty's Secret Service (tie)
9. The Mystery of the Creepy Campground
10. Why Kenosha
11. Booty Modicum
12. Quick, Shove This Necklace Up Your Ass
13. 2 James 2 Bond
14. Revenge of Giuseppe
15. JANE Bond?! Okay Whatever
Read 5 tweets
28 Jun
in 2013 i posted a list of all the upcoming Fast & Furious sequels. let's take a look at that clip
Fast & Furious 6: With Six You Get Furious
Fast & Furious 7: Fast Brides for Furious Brothers
Read 94 tweets

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