Starting History Channel's "Kings of Pain" which appears to be National Geographic's Jackass in which two idiots voluntarily get stung and bitten by the most dangerous things in the world. Why? Because it's 4:00am and I'm nowhere near sleep. 
The "witty" and "tense" banter is causing me to reflexively punch the "jump ten seconds into the future" button. I can't help autonomous responses, I'm sorry. Also, one of these men would like to be referred to as "caveman".
"The pain is pulsing. It's like a throbbing kind of pain... it's like the first time you eat tacos in Mexico: it burns." Which to me is not the best simile but Caveman has just been stung by an "Executioner Wasp." He then asks for some time to sit in the shade to think, I guess.
Next up? The Warrior Wasp which they are describing as "feisty." He doesn't feel it at first & we watch it pumping venom. His partner takes it now and you can tell by the look on his face that he is also not much bothered. Weird. Now they're hunting the Goliath Tarantula.
This one hurts. "Aw, that felt gross." he says. Wasn't so great to watch, either, mate. The screaming is entertaining, though, I must say. Prodding it now, he's marveling how numb it is. That's not good, right? Now Caveman: "Aw! Damnit!" He feels like it's "going on forever!"
"The worst part," Caveman muses, "is how the fangs go in your flesh." The real damage comes 36hrs later when their entire arm swells & feels broken. They can't make a fist. A "less intense wasp sting" that you know has the secondary effect of paralyzing you. The show? I'm a fan.
From Bolivia to South Africa to find some scorpions to get stung by. Episode 2! While they're here, they're also going to get voluntarily-stung by a Lion Fish. Faces of courage.
They're doing their best not to harvest a scorpion that will actually murder them. I don't know the likelihood of it but it makes for good reality show tension. They do find a Uroplectes which means "stinging punishment" which, hey, freshman year nickname, how'd they know?
"Aw, that really hurts. Aw, that hurts. Done? It just went back in!" Adam, who is a scientist, rendered inarticulate. "Kinda like a stinging nettle." More like a scorpion, amiright, men? "Look at the venom on your finger!" says Adam, who is a good mate. "The finger's not cool,"
Their medic is saying that it's maybe not cool to get envenomated by a parade of deadly monsters. Adam and Caveman nod very seriously and prepare to get stung by a little scorpion. Adam: "Fuck that hurts. That's so bad. Dude. That's so bad." Caveman: "How? How? Instant searing."
Now Lion Fish: Caveman first - he says "Mmmmmm, ahhhh... that was a DUMB idea! My whole arm, man. Pulse pulse. Aw man." Lots of screaming and swelling and his blood pressure is doing funny things. "Intense pain. It doesn't stop." It seems to be hitting in waves. I am happy.
Adam's turn: "Dude, that's ridiculous. That's bullshit. It's like someone's whacking you with a hammer." It's also a little funny when Caveman tries to put on the glove over his stung hand in order to hold the fish for his buddy. Two of Adam's fingers are now paralyzed.
The wrap-up conversations are strangely romantic. It's hotter because how awkward they are around each other. Look how they're perched there, talking about pain and ranking stings like a first date when you compare scars. JAWS was right about everything. Beware Lionfish.
Alright, Episode 3 finds our boys in Mexico and thinking the landscape looks like a Looney Tunes cartoon. They're looking for a Harvester Ant colony first. Whenever Adam gets all science-y, I appreciate how Caveman is like "Oh cool... let's get the absolute shit stung out of us."
It appears as though they're just going to shove their fists into the plastic bin where they've harvested a few hundred Harvester Ants. Caveman declares "I'm just gonna leave my hand in there until I can't take it anymore." He's picked up a stick w/his other hand to wave angrily.
Special shout to Dr. Ben Abo who's like "look at these dumb fucks." Most shots, he's in the background laughing, grimacing, shaking his head bemusedly. That's bedside manner right there, young pre-meds. When your patients are morons, there's only one response.
Adam's turn: "Blimey, under me fingernail!" something about getting stung by a few hundred angry harvesters turns him into the Artful Dodger. Caveman says "You kept your arm in there for a *very* long time" in a tone that can only be described as "admiring" and maybe "rapturous."
They marvel about how the pain of the stings don't dwindle for like twelve hours. Caveman screams "it feels like they're still all over me!" They have a newfound respect for the harvester ant. "That's a nasty ant" says Adam. Next up? The Tarantula Hawk wasp: a Giger nightmare.
Caveman says "It's like a Fairy of Death." He also asks Adam to feel his chest. Now we're getting somewhere. He says it's like getting struck by lightning but mercifully the suffering abates after a minute or so. "It's a gothic Tinkerbell." I'm into it, right Dr. Abo?
Caveman declares that he would not be able to distinguish between a Tarantula Hawk sting and sticking your finger in a light socket. He's definitive about this leading me to believe there's a home improvement spinoff to this series that I will also watch. Now for a sea-star.
Yes, the "Crown of Thorns" sea star that Adam helpfully tells us is named after one of Jesus' tortures during his Passion. I'm here for a different kind of passion. He calls it "this bastard of a sea star." They haven't been stung and they're already screaming and grunting.
Adam provides that this will be the "first ever night sting." I'm instantly engaged. Caveman's and Dr. Abo's reactions speak for themselves. Funniest is how Adam talks about how the venom is spreading and he can feel it. Adam gets hooked up to some machines. Caveman: "WHY?!?"
As he's submerging his arm Caveman groans "this feels so wrong!" how can it be wrong, though, when it feels so right. Second time in 24hrs I'm thinking about Anne Murray. Caveman also gets hooked up to some machines. Dr. Abo gives him some oxygen & advises Caveman "settle down."
Okay fuck, watching another one. Episode 4 opens with them being attacked by a hippo which is fast-becoming my new most terrible thing I can imagine whilst in a small boat in Africa. The boys find themselves now in Zululand, Africa. where they declare it's "Africa-hot."
They're looking for the Velvet Ant and then a monitor lizard because, haha, I just can't stop laughing. Adam declares the monitor is the "longest lizard in Africa, named after the longest river in Africa" and my wink-wink-nudge-nudge is just full-on fatigued.
They do a bit where they're comparing knives. Caveman: "This *is* a real knife, bro! it's not the size of the tool that counts." This scene is very much like the John Ireland/Monty Clift gun-comparing scene in RED RIVER. Adam, next, puts antelope poop in his mouth. Testosterone!
Caveman confidently declares: "I can take more!" and then almost immediately "GET IT OFF GET IT OFF, WHOA oh my god!" He's stomping around, marching in a circle. Now Adam: "Awww, that's bullshit, what the fuck! Just a searing pain through the whole arm. Aw, dude, that's so bad."
Now in a boat at night in search of a monitor and they're full on being attacked by a hippo. I wonder how much a hippo sting hurts. Everyone's panicking and they're racing away because hippos are bad news. It's all shot at night though so anything could be happening, I dunno.
Second time's the charm and they catch a Nile Monitor. They have a triage nurse now and also an animal wrangler because this shit is beyond Dr. Abo's abilities and probably patience. Boy, that tail sure do whip around, don't it. Apparently these things are poisonous? Maybe not.
Adam: "Bone! It's ripping! Bone! It's touching me bone! The flesh! It's tearing!" Caveman says: "It's not letting go! He's really mad! He's mad, dude! You got your blood on me!" Now it's Caveman's turn: "Oh! No! It's through skin! His claws hurt! How long? HOW LONG? AHHH - WHY?"
The animal wrangler interjects "that was... proper, that was terrible." The lizard isn't letting Caveman go. 11min into the bite Caveman says "My arm's getting really weird! It's all pins and needles." The lizard is now trying to scale Caveman, going for the head. "He's so mad!"
At the campfire, Caveman says that the bite caused him to go through the "five stages of grief." He names anger, denial and bargaining before finally acceptance. He seems not entirely fine. "I thought that was never going to end." There's some dark teatime of the soul here.
Okay, last one for now, Episode 5, Baja, CA to find the Toe Biter and the Scorpion Fish. Every episode talks about how important their work of getting stung is and also how at any moment their nervous systems could revolt and murder them. I think at this point it's self-defense.
Toe Biters! Dr. Abo says that some of these beasties carry leprosy. Adam says "geez." Caveman doesn't like the sound of "microbacteria." Yes, the other stings have been so sanitary. Adam: "Far out! Feels like it's still there. There's something moving underneath my skin!"
Hey look - they caught a Scorpion Fish! Of course this chucklefuck pats it. Look at the look on the fish's face. He can't believe it either. Adam asks for a few seconds. He's screaming now "people... stabbing in and around my hand... all over... I'm getting dizzy... dizzy..."
Adam can't move his fingers. The doctor seems pretty certain he's not going to die. "The pain is overwhelming. Instant regret." Adam is getting an IV shunt now. Caveman not very sure now but he doesn't want to leave his bro "hanging." Masculinity is a hell of a drug, mates!
Adam says "I actually went cold." Caveman just wants to sleep. His speech is slurring though it's a low bar. Dr. Abo is trying to explain to them what's happening to their bodies right now and they're just sitting there like they've been stung by a scorpion fish.
Episode 6: The Rove Beetle, no relation to Karl Rove, I think but can't be sure, I'm not a fucking entomologist. Adam is, apparently, but when he says they're going to catch these things with light of every spectrum because who knows which spectrum the beetles like... I'm shook.
These things spray "hemolyph" on people which is their blood. They're doing this experiment on their calves which means they need to shave their legs and so they shave each others' legs and they're not even pretending now. Dr. Abo pleads with them not to get this on their face.
I'm not going to screengrab the blistering because it's disgusting, but fans of Dr. Pimple Popper have some good times ahead for them. I'm pretty sure, by the way, given how this insect is full of toxic pus, that it is in fact related to Karl Rove. You live, you learn.
Now they're harvesting some kind of angry-looking urchin. In other shows, these things are popped open for their eggs or something terrible. In this one? Caveman screams like he's just done a good set at the gym. Now he's passing out.
Dr. Abo says he was "vagling" down and explains what that is. He also sneaks in there that sometimes the cause for fainting is "psychosomatic." I hope Caveman doesn't hear that. Caveman wouldn't like that. This guy is full "airpods in and also reading a book leave me alone."
The boys have to get an ultrasound now to find all the spines that are embedded in their muscle. Dr. Abo does what he can. He's a good dude. Adam gets philosophical about their permanent injuries: "If it were easy, it wouldn't be an adventure." I... okay. Good point.
Show really missed a trick not having this as their theme song. Maybe the sad exit music like at the end of Incredible Hulk. Probably, they just couldn't afford the rights. But from now on, this will be playing in my head for Dr. Adam and the Caveman.
Episode 7: The Amazon. Adam says "it's the final frontier almost" and it's the "almost" that sends me. What tension! Fuck you George Bernard Shaw, you ain't got nothing on Kings of Pain. This episode, we do the Bullet Ant and a tank full of piranhas. You heard me.
Caveman declares: "This is the wet season," and boy is it, high five everybody! Adam gets serious about the "monsters that live underneath" the placid surface of the Amazon. He says the Bullet Ant deploys "ponerotoxin" which is a "neurotoxin" which sounds pretty bad you guys.
Adam says it doesn't feel like a stab, it feels like a broken bone. He reports that the pain is radiating as time goes on. He's walking it off and to my way of thinking, when you're envenomated, you shouldn't increase blood flow but I'm not a doctor, here. Caveman is scared.
Caveman, again, wishes he could just close his eyes and sleep. It seems concerning to me that he wants to pass out so much. Apparently, the pain in all its intensity returns every thirty minutes or so for a FULL DAY. They talk about all the different kinds of Bullet Ant pain.
On to piranhas! The plan is apparently that they cover their arms in chum and then stick it in a tank full of the toothy little fuckers. Dr. Abo wraps up their arms with an ace bandage out of concern for their arteries. Seems like cheating but I'm no referee, either.
The plan, alas, is flawed. The fish aren't at all interested in the gore arm so they pull a single fish out and try to get it to bite. It obliges because of course it does, are you stupid? Dr. Abo advises he keep it clean. Caveman speculates that this would be a bad way to die.
At the campfire wrap up the next day, Adam reveals he's still bleeding. They give one another a hearty handshake in place of the soulful bro hug I thought was coming. I have faith that more and better PDA is on the horizon. You can't get this brutalized without falling in love.
Ep 8 finds them continuing their merry fuckery in Indonesia where they're on the hunt for the giant centipede and also for a reticulated python. Caveman says "it's the longest snake on the planet" because these guys are very interested in length. "That's a big snake."
It's at this point that, an episode late, I realize that this show is not about venom, it's about how much shit hurts. They claim no one has "measured" how much it hurts to get bitten by one of these snakes and it's all about creating a pain scale of just random idiocy. I get it.
Maybe they could do "getting hand closed in a car door" and "stepping on LEGO" next. Anyway, I'm very afraid of centipedes and, by that I mean that they make me feel funny in a very bad way. Strongly dislike. They catch one and shove it into a water bottle. "Nasty" says Caveman.
Adam says "Oh look! There's venom on your arm! There's blood! There's blood! Look at the puncture marks!" Adam is very happy. "It's already bruising. What is happening right now?" says Caveman. Dr. Abo says "Oh... yeah." Can't get a read on the good doctor. Caveman is freaked.
Caveman says "I'm drowning in pain. It's been over an hour. I think I'm going to vomit. It still hurts the same. I'm hurtin' right now, man." He sounds like the private in a Vietnam movie who's just taken one in the gut. Adam upon getting stung cries out "OHHHH YES. MY ARM"
Which is not the reaction I expected but the reaction I needed. No, I'm just kidding, it's pretty terrible. A chryon informs that that the bug can take down prey 15x its size and I'm doing the math in my head. I'm pretty sure Adam is more than that so we good. Dr. Abo, maths.
Both of the boys are now lying down in abject misery - hours after the bite. They're confessing to each other 48hrs later about crying from the pain and wishing for unconsciousness. Caveman wants to go home. "Nothing beats a centipede" he declares. "Worst pain of my life."
On to the python. Dr. Abo informs that the hospital is pretty far away so maybe don't get reticulated. They put on some protective gear to protect their neck & face, and hard cups to protect their junk. Dr. Abo offers that it's important that they're doing this for "science."
After teasing the python for a bit, it tags the motherloving shit out of Adam. They discover one of the snake's teeth embedded in his arm which also seems not great. There's a lot of blood. "It's pouring! It's pouring! I knew there'd be blood but not all my bloody the blood."
Caveman's turn. Instantly: "OH MY GOD, GET IT OFF HELP ME OH NO THAT'S SO BAD HELP ME I CAN'T FEEL MY PINKY MY HAND IS DEAD" Dr. Abo is concerned it got his nerve. I injured that nerve once by hyperextending my elbow. Long story but it's a bad injury. Pure carnage. Regret reigns.
A heart to heart - a recap of the season & Caveman says he worries about his body giving out and permanent nerve damage. Adam asks if they should continue their mystical quest and Caveman says "of course." That's right, men. I have hair now where I didn't think I could grow it.
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