Thread by @samdylanfinch

CW: Eating disorders

There's been a lot of conversation (rightfully so!) about why we shouldn't talk about other people's bodies, even if it's a "compliment."

I wanted to share a little about what "compliments" did to my psyche as a person with an eating disorder.

All throughout my life, I was complimented on having a thin body.

Even as a child, it started with being a "skinny minnie." And I internalized this idea that being thin was a good thing, something that the adults in my life would praise me for.

In high school, when my eating disorder became active, I remember being measured for a costume for a high school play. My acting teacher, taken aback, said aloud: "You have the smallest waist I've ever measured!"

She said it in a congratulatory way.

Before my brain was ever fully formed, I had adults in my life constantly reinforcing this idea that to be thin was to be beautiful, desirable, and good.

I had a deadly eating disorder by the time I was 14. I was afraid to eat. I was afraid that my body would change.

No one in my life was sitting around, thinking, "What could I say to give this kid an eating disorder?" But the constant praise of my size, and even the warnings from family members that "one day I would be fat like them," created this terror around food, weight, and bodies.

As a child, I was conditioned to be fearful of what would happen if I was no longer thin.

And I became an adult who was afraid of my changing body, afraid of the foods I struggled to eat, afraid of what my worth would be if I no longer had this privilege of being thin.

When I finally received treatment for my eating disorder? I was no longer thin. I had to reckon with a fat body for the first time in my life.

I didn't know what to do. It was like someone took something important away from me. Like I had done something wrong. Like I was "bad."

This is the healthiest I've ever been. I'm no longer starving and trapped in an anorexic stronghold.

But for the first time in my life, people are accusing me of being unhealthy.

My blood pressure and heart rate, which was high from dehydration and my heart struggling to function, has finally come down.

My cholesterol, which was high from my malnourished body trying to hold onto what little cholesterol I had, has come down.

When I was an unhealthy thin person, no one was worried about my health. Not even my doctors.

But when I became a healthier fat person, suddenly everyone had an opinion, even when all of my bloodwork and vitals were normal for the *first time* in my entire life.

Every day, to be totally honest, is still a struggle to validate for myself that I'm doing the right thing.

Because all of the messages I've received since I was a child have told me that thinness is the ultimate state of desirability and health.

Every day I still worry that I did the wrong thing by choosing to recover from my eating disorder. Every day I look at myself in the mirror and I worry that I was better off when I was sick.

That's the perverse culture that we live in. We don't actually care about health, because if we did, we'd recognize that malnutrition from dieting — which many people of ALL sizes struggle with, especially fat people — is far more dangerous than simply existing while fat.

And that says nothing of how we prize "health," even though no one OWES you health. People are allowed to exist and have their humanity affirmed even if they are sick, even if they are disabled, even if they are unwell. A rant for another day.

I can remember so many of the compliments I received when I was sick. How validated I felt from them. How convinced I was that starvation was the right thing, because how could it not be right, when everyone was telling me that it was?

I almost died and the rest of the world cheered me on.

That's what it means to compliment a thin person who is secretly battling an eating disorder.

And if you think that's limited to just thin people, you're wrong. Only ~3% of people with eating disorders are actually underweight.

So when you bash a person of any size, even fat folks, for all you know, you could be sending them back into the depths of hell.

The messages we send one another when we comment on their bodies can be so dangerous.

The fat person who is fighting like hell to be healthy again after an eating disorder, who you're "concerned" for.

The thinner person who is dying right in front of you, who "looks amazing."

I'm now considered ob*se according to doctors and their bullshit measurement ind— I mean, BMI.

I fought with every ounce of my being for every pound I've gained in eating disorder recovery. And I refuse to be made ashamed by other people's assumptions about my health and value.

It's going to take a lifetime to unlearn these ideas about health, bodies, and self-worth. It's a battle I still have to reckon with whenever I look at myself and remember the things people used to say about me.

I know our culture isn't going to change overnight. But I owe so much to the fat people in my life who made it safer for me to recover into this body.

(Cue the tears.)

I owe so much to the fat activists who are trying to make the world a softer place to land.

I'm lucky to still be here. And I know I wouldn't be able to bear it — I know I would've made a U-turn right back into my eating disorder — if I hadn't seen fat people thriving, being vulnerable, pushing back.

So, BTW, the next time you tell someone they're "promoting ob*sity," think of the people like me, who would almost certainly be dead if we believed that the only way to be happy and healthy was to be thin.

Thinness almost destroyed me. And there's no safe way for me to go back.

Anyway. The "compliments" I received as a thin person... some of them have stuck with me through the years. I remember them vividly. And I'm still trying to unlearn all of the subtext within them that led me to become sicker and sicker.

I hope people will think twice. More than twice if necessary.

Our bodies deserve to be free of scrutiny and comparison. They do so much for us. They are the vessel through which we experience this amazing thing called life. They are worthy of so much more respect than this.