Okay, I think there's an Apple event? Let's do this. God help us all.
The Apple Music guy has some thoughts on R.E.M.'s uneasy embrace of mainstream success 
The new AirPods have a thing called spatial audio, which will make it sound like you're listening to a band playing somewhere even though in reality you're on a bus
Okay, still no cable, but the new AirPods seem uncomfortably big. Maybe a mistake to pursue that much bass?
Stink feature gives you a sharp olfactory warning if AirPods are not properly aligned with ear canal
"What? I was supposed to do the luxury edition? Due tomorrow?" *shakes can of white spraypaint*
Ok, let's talk heat sink
This is like Apple's tenth-generation custom chip and they still haven't figured out how to round the corners
Apple working towards the holy grail: breaking the Soviet record for the world's largest microchip
Top-of-the line M1 Max can support four displays, over thirty open Chrome tabs
Chip has not one but four Unified Memories! Please just take my money
New iTunes interface is sick
Extra GPU performance allowed Apple to add an Exposé button just called "fuck my shit up good"
Some numerical analysis feature you've never used on the laptop you send email with is now over 3 times faster
We know how much you love the notch on your phone, so we brought it to the laptop. Audience in hushed anticipation to see if there are camera warts on the back too.
New MacBook Pros also way bigger. You can type on them like the Tom Hanks piano scene in "Big"
This is like boasting that you no longer get blackout drunk and soil yourself. You wasted five years of our life.
It's Donglegeddon at today's Apple event. But they'll be back.
TouchBars come and go, but Caps Lock lives forever
Apple's keyboard team was reassigned to the display, and they're bragging about how much attention to detail went into fucking it up
Choose your own caption:
1) Thing you stare at all day now thinner from side
2) Never forget that bracket costs $1000
1) Thing you stare at all day now thinner from side
2) Never forget that bracket costs $1000
New MacBooks will still burn through half your battery in 30 minutes like the previous generation
Show me how much you still hate Jony Ive
Apple events are like if Stanley Kubrick had needed money
Tim Cook looking like the crop just failed and they're going to have to sell the old Cupertino farm to Apple
I guess that's it. New MacBooks to offer features needlessly removed in 2015, 75% more performance, 25% better battery life, and 100% more notch. Also there's a colorful surveillance golf ball and you can spend even more on headphones.
I wish Apple had gone ahead and designed a car so we could have breathless announcements like "the steering wheel is back!"
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