cPTSD can cause me to do things I regret later, one being getting triggered & blocking friends/people. It's happened enough times that I have learned to apologize, if needed, & to let them know why. It is so hard when you've been taught that people aren't safe to unlearn that.
This is due to my abuse, but also the way peers & society at large reject Autistic traits even when we mask for the benefit of others. Forcing us to assimilate to neurotypical standards only teaches us that others aren't safe and that we must closet who we are to remain safe.
I can recognize abuse now due to being raised by an abusive parent, but I can also recognize the same pattern of abuse in Autistic "treatments." Abusers wear down who you are for their benefit. They teach you that you must act how they see fit or else. Abusers also use rewards.
When I was 1st diagnosed Autistic I checked out an ABA DVD from the library. I watched kids being forced into sensory situations that would cause deep anxiety & dread in me. The video left me feeling hollow, triggered, & dissociative. I have sensory trauma from similar treatments
I know so many people can't see what's wrong with ABA, but I saw right away that it was grooming. Grooming kids into behaviors that were deemed acceptable by the people in power dynamics above them. You know why we learn to mask Autistic traits? Repeated trauma.
What traumatizes autistic people does not traumatize neurotypical people. If you do not have sensory processing differences how can you possibly know what causes distress within us? Slow erasure of autistic traits causes suicidal ideation. It teaches us who we are is not enough.
The healthiest autistic people are those that are allowed to regulate themselves with stimming, self soothing, & delightedly sharing special interests, not meek and quiet cogs that must fit the NT machine of social sameness. We are not a product to be molded for your satisfaction
We are deeply alive, feeling all that we encounter, in love & in awe of the World & all its wonders. I weep for the little girl inside me that was taught she was broken & bad for being so much herself. I weep for the young adult lost and suicidal at never being enough & rejected.
I deserved so much more. Autistic children deserve so much better than this. We deserve to be known & loved as we are, met where we are at, and allowed to move & grow at our own pace. We are our most capable selves when we are our most natural selves. Self assured and free to be.
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