Let me explain taxes to you midwits... 1/n
Income tax:
You and your employer mutually agree how much your labor should be valued. This is wrong. It excludes the government, without which you would be an uneducated idiot rolling in and eating mud.
Income tax (cont.):
So we painlessly and silently take our fair share of your labor value from you and your employer every paycheck. Please let us know if we did it correctly. If you make a mistake, we'll make things right by indicting you for tax fraud.
We understand saving for retirement can be hard, so we'll do you a favor. Just lend us the money and we'll write up some special T-Notes with *very* competitive return rates. Ponzi Scheme? Of course not. It's not like we treat the money as income on our annual budget.
Sales tax:
You want to buy something. Hold up! You need to think of the children. At any rate you need to pay up. We're encouraging your consumption by inflating the currency, so it's only fair. You'd probably just starve without us, poor fools.
Use tax:
What, you thought that if you rented something instead of buying it you would get out of paying tax? No way. We see you.
Excise tax:
Why are gas, liquor, beer and marijuana so expensive? Beats us. Don't look too close at this one.
Property tax:
You didn't build that. You certainly don't own that. You need to show your gratitude for us housing you. And if you complain, you're a sociopath who hates poor children. So we'll evict you and sell your house for the value of the taxes owed, which is its real value.
Corporate income tax:
Corporations, we created you and we can destroy you. You owe us far more than 35%. You know where to send the check.
Capital gains tax:
Your investment appreciated? Greedy Capitalists like you need to pay your fair share. So what if the company already paid income tax. Another 20%, bud. Wait, you sold the stock within 12 months? You're the worst kind of speculator - pay up.
Estate taxes:
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. The State giveth, the State taketh away. Anyway, it's a disincentive to dying. You're welcome.
Gift tax:
We were very insulted to be left off your giving list this year. No matter, we'll just take what's ours.
This is how civilized society functions. Can you imagine a society without taxes? No you can not. Don't even try it. Do you *want* Grandma to die on the street? We didn't think so.
You can go home now, Grandma.

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