Thread by @DanWritehead

THREAD: Join me on a festive daily journey of almost certain disappointment as I open the windows on this knock-off Chinese Godzilla advent calendar I bought on the internet. Which iconic Toho creatures will I find within?

December 1st, door number 1!

Who's this in here? Is that...a turkey?

No! It's...this guy.

Who is very clearly just a T-Rex made from mismatched plastic.

Hmm.

Let's be generous and assume that maybe it's meant to be Gorosaurus from Toho's 1967 film King Kong Escapes? Or the Godzillasaurus from 1991's Godzilla vs King Ghidorah?

Maybe?

Or have I just bought a shitty advent calendar full of 24 poor quality generic dinosaur toys?

TUNE IN TOMORROW TO FIND OUT!

SAME GOJIRA TIME, SAME GOJIRA CHANNEL.

Plot twist: I bought one of these as a gift for my good friend @filmsonwax and he got an ACTUAL GODZILLA. Proper fuming now.

https://twitter.com/filmsonwax/status/1466061244922748928

Day 2! Here we go! Ready for some proper kaiju goodness today. We're going in...

Well this seems familiar.

Yep. It's the same fucking T-Rex, only this one is missing a leg. Maybe each day I'll get slightly less of a T-Rex until eventually it's just empty?

That would somehow be less disappointing.

Just to prove this isn't a comedy bit, here is my burgeoning gang of low quality T-Rexs.

Genuinely curious now as to whether I have literally bought 24 crappy dinosaurs of variable completion. What will tomorrow bring - a glorious tiny Godzilla or more hot T-Rex action?

Please follow along, so that I don't ride this rollercoaster alone.

Day 3 of the Bootleg Godzilla Advent Calendar Disappointment marathon.

Two days, two doors opened, two rubbish T-Rex toys. ZERO GODZILLAS.

What will today bring?

Seems pretty conclusive that we're bracing for another T-Rex disappointment. Let's see what the fates have in store...

Ooooh.

Whatever this is, it isn't another crap T-Rex. It's in a bag, for one thing, and seems to be a different colour.

INTRIGUE!

This thing is wedged in there pretty tightly. I'm trying not to rip the whole front off the thing getting it out.

And...it's apparently Lego?

INTRIGUE RISING.

Oh.

OH WOW.

Brace yourselves.

It's a LEGO MECHA-GODZILLA.

This bootleg advent calendar just went from comedy mistake to PERHAPS THE GREATEST INVESTMENT I HAVE EVER MADE.

It's definitely modelled on the chunky 2019 Mecha-Godzilla from King of the Monsters, rather than the OG 1970s version or the Heisei/Millenium era versions, but is undeniably a Lego Mecha-Godzilla and for that we should all give thanks.

Genuinely no idea what to expect tomorrow now. Will it be a return to more low quality generic dinosaurs, or will it be something even better than a Lego Mecha-Godzilla.

Is there even anything better than a Lego Mecha-Godzilla?

I guess we find out tomorrow.

Door 4 on the Bootleg Godzilla Advent Calendar.

The score so far: Two (2) poor quality T-Rexs, One (1) excellent Lego Mecha-Godzilla.

The stakes is raised, yo. Let's see what we get today...

Absolutely no clue what this is.

My heart is telling me this has got to be Mothra's larval stage, but my head knows different. It's another crappy dinosaur, right?

Right. It's this guy. Not a T-Rex, at least. But also ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH GODZILLA.

Bonus points for the Joker colour scheme though. A bold choice.

You're not fooling anyone, pal.

Day 5! Who's ready to play another round of What The Hell Will I Find In My Bootleg Godzilla Advent Calendar This Time?

OK, I'm genuinely speechless as to what was lurking behind that little window today.

It's another plot twist, that's for sure.

Buckle up.

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK?

It's a bright pink derpy dragon-type thing. With a bright green bell. On a keyring.

Now I can't deny that it has amused me greatly, but this is somehow even less relevant to Godzilla than the tatty generic dinosaurs.

At this point, all bets are off. Anything might turn up in this thing.

Tomorrow might just be a Babybel cheese with a G written on the wrapper.

To recap, five days into December and these are the dubious fruits of my ostensibly Godzilla-themed advent calendar.

There are another 21 DAYS to go.

19 days, not 21.

Weird pink bell-dragon has broken my brain.

It's time. Time for DOOR NUMBER 6.

Recap: so far my bootleg Godzilla advent calendar has blessed me with two poor quality T-Rex's, a purple and green brachiosaur, a bright pink bell-dragon keyring and one (1) LEGO MECHA-GODZILLA.

Today: a Mothra in a pear tree? Let's find out.

Whatever today's gift is, it's

a) Green

and

b) in a bag

Both of these bode well for an ACTUAL GODZILLA.

More (bootleg) Lego pieces spotted.

I also want to point out that the front of this advent calendar is a single thin sheet and it's STICKY on the underside for some reason, which makes opening each window without tearing the whole thing apart incredibly tricky.

Anyway...

We have an ACTUAL GODZILLA.

Repeat: we have an ACTUAL GODZILLA.

OK, so it's clearly the same as the Mecha Godzilla only in green plastic (translucent for the head and tail, weirdly) but it IS a Godzilla which feels like a small victory.

I'd probably be more excited about this if it wasn't for the nearly identical Mecha Godzilla on Day 3, because Mecha Godzilla is clearly cooler than Normal Godzilla. On account of him being a MECHA.

But, hey, it's not a shit dinosaur. Praise be.

Here they are face to face. What's going to happen?

What happens next between Lego Godzilla and Lego Mecha Godzilla?

I've also just noticed that Door 7, aka TOMORROW, is double sized. That's got to be a good sign? Right?

Right?

Something epic has to be in there.

Or it may just be TWO more T-Rexes.

*deep breath*

Day 7 of The Bootleg Godzilla Advent Calendar Adventure.

This door seems to be double-sized, but still only has a tiny perforated hole, the same size as the previous days, so I'm not getting my hopes up.

I'm going in...

Are you fucking kidding me?

It's another bloody cheap dinosaur.

Although this one does look like a fossilised bollock which is at least a new aesthetic.

I'm not even sure what dinosaur this is supposed to be. A bit like ankylosaurus (my 2nd favourite dinosaur, by the way, after dimetrodon) but also a bit like a sort of lizard-horse.

Whatever it is, CLEARLY NOT GODZILLA.

But wait!

This compartment is normal sized. There's ANOTHER compartment under Door 7 that has no perforated opening.

BONUS ROUND!

Another bagged item lurks within. And, please, I cannot overstate how hard these are to remove thanks to the weird sticky paper topping.

oh for fucks sake.

If you told me just a few days ago that I'd be sick of receiving Lego Godzillas, I would have laughed in your stupid face.

Yet here we are.

It's the exact same Lego Godzilla only now he's orange.

I'm going to be generous/optimistic and pretend that it's supposed to be the burning lava Godzilla from 2019's King of the Monsters.

Or maybe a deep cut reference to the 1959 sequel to the original Gojira being released in the US as Gigantis the Fire Monster.

Or maybe its just a cheap toy production line churning out the same thing in different plastics.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Possibly boyband?

After one complete week of my Bootleg Godzilla Advent Calendar, this is the sum total of my haul:

Here we go again. Day 8 of Bootleg Godzilla Adventure Calendar Fun.

If I'm being honest, since the double-door yesterday didn't produce something worthwhile, my already slender hopes have worn very thin now.

But, hey, this thing has surprised me before.

*sigh*

Hang on, this is a bit different to the other rubbish egg-shaped dinosaurs. It looks a bit more Transformer-esque. And it's a good solid Godzilla green...

Today may yet redeem itself.

So there's a weird Cubist thing going on with the arms and legs, but this is definitely kaiju-shaped.

In fact, it has a Gamera vibe. Obviously Gamera is Toei and Godzilla is Toho, but mixing up Japanese kaiju studios would be the least-stupid thing this advent calendar has done.

OK, this is...not Gamera.

I actually have no idea what that's supposed to be. It's like Sid from Toy Story transplanted a completely different head onto this thing.

Is it a cow? Or a deer? Is this Cubist Kaiju Rudolph?

I tell you what it isn't: GODZILLA.

On we go...

Day 9 of Bootleg Godzilla Advent Calendar, or as I'm now calling it "The Slow Death of My Withering Soul".

...

*endless screaming*

Day 10 of Bootleg Godzilla Advent Etc Etc

Still no sign of an actual Godzilla model. Nobody... nobody trusts anybody now, and we're all very tired. Nothing else I can do.

Door 10 is another double, but you won't fool me twice, Bootleg Godzilla Advent Calendar. It won't be a large sized Godzilla model. It'll be yet another weird fold-out plastic dinosaur and maybe a Lego Godzilla in a different colour. THESE ARE MY PREDICTIONS.

oh what a shock

Yeah. We've had this guy before, only last time he was white and red.

Big whoop.

What's our second prize behind this flimsy and weirdly sticky sheet of mystery?

This...looks like the closest we've had yet to Actual Godzilla.

So, yep, it's exactly the same bootleg Lego Godzilla we've had three times already (silver, orange, bright green) only now it's an appropriately Godzilla-ish dark green.

Yay?

Can't deny that this, categorically, Actual Godzilla. But it's too little, too late. It just isn't enough to dispel my ennui regarding this whole endeavour.

Is this all life has to offer? Generic dinosaurs and Lego Godzillas? Endlessly? FOREVER?

For some reason Twitter has broken this thread. If you want to rejoin the action, it continues here:

https://twitter.com/DanWritehead/status/1469672418943938560