I fucking live for unhinged Victorian Christmas cards. Some years I just share the terror with friends, and others I choose to spread the chaos. This year I pick the latter.

Let’s start with the truly inexplicable.

Frog + beetle waltz
Sky jellyfish
Mutant beet-man
GOAT
🧵 ImageImageImageImage
I figured we should start with the most chaotic before diving into themes. I genuinely can’t explain those four.

But fear not, I have the homogeny you crave. DEAD BIRDS FOR LUCK. (Wren day on the 26th was a good luck ritual where you killed a robin or wren bc… that’s lucky?) ImageImageImageImage
Another favored tradition: snowmen with **deeply threatening auras**

Build the creature of your demise! I’m pretty sure that first one is going to kill that robin. Clearly he celebrates wren day. ImageImageImageImage
Of course no holiday is complete without animals waiting to murder you. The robins are back, WITH A VENGEANCE. ImageImageImageImage
Another ever-popular theme: children baked into food! (Children have long been considered a Christmas delicacy) ImageImageImage
As was tradition, one would pick either a clown, a polar bear, a snow gnome (?), or frog to do battle with. If you won against the frog, you would get to take whatever gold he had on him at the time. The clown would promise to stop stealing your meats. ImageImageImageImage
Of course sometimes your message would be simple: remind your friends and family that danger lurks around every corner. Bring the gift of fear. Image
Due to the lack of environmental regulations at the time, the meat supply was often tainted, leading to your Christmas dinner coming back to life. Christmas carols were designed to drown out the screaming. ImageImageImageImage
So much screaming… Image
This first card depicts one of the first instances of a Christmas dinner uprising. Due to the high death toll of that year, children became a favored ingredient (as previously mentioned) as everyone knows children are infinitely easier to defeat than most other dinner meats. ImageImageImage
Because violence lurked around every corner, animals were often enlisted to deliver Christmas cards and messages. Owls and mice were popular choices, with bikes and lobsters proving themselves to be the most reliable methods of transportation. ImageImage
Cursed with sentience and a knowledge of their own impending demise, some *snowmen with threatening auras* actually became violent (the tale of frosty the snowman is heavily altered from the original Germanic tale where frosty drunkenly assaulted anyone who ventured too close) ImageImage
Violence lurked around every corner. As roving gangs of clowns took out the English police force, people and pets alike took up arms. ImageImageImage
Arming animals was a foolish choice, as they immediately became violent. (See tweet #4) Image
They staged a full on revolt in the winter of 1876, and maintained control of a large part of London until spring on 1877. ImageImageImageImage
Trying their hand at various human activities, frogs quickly learned they were terrible at ice skating Image
I hope this holiday season is treating you well. Have some marine life and another dead bird. ImageImageImageImage
So many dead birds… Image

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More from @LaurynIpsum

Feb 14
Alright my darlings, it’s time.
Time for this next installment of Unhinged Victorian Greeting Cards: VALENTINE’S DAY EDITION. ❤️

Let’s start with some tamer ones.

Previously featured fish and leek
Cannibal cottage
LOBSTER
Sentient boots (ft. straw and coins)
As already covered, the lack of environmental regulations at the time meant toxic chemicals would leech into the food supply, bringing them to life.

Cursed with the knowledge that they could end up on the dinner table any day, Victorian era produce loved hard and fast.
Similar sentience issue were occasionally reported in regards to the alcohol supply, however, given the fact that these reports were almost always followed with slurred proclamations of “IM NOT EVEN THAT DRUNK”, the validity of these claims remain suspect.
Read 18 tweets
Jan 22
Harley Quinn is either a psychologist or a psychiatrist. The former requires a PhD or PsyD, and the latter requires an MD.

WRITERS PLEASE PICK ONE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PICK ONE. THEY ARENT INTERCHANGEABLE.
I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL.
Everyone keeps saying “why not both” which is absolutely missing the point. These are two different jobs, both of which require EXTENSIVE schooling and further training to be able to practice.

The whole reason some shows say psychiatrist and some say PhD is sloppy writing.
Read 12 tweets
Dec 31, 2021
New Years is fast approaching, & so it’s time for a new round of unholy Victorian era holiday cards—New Years edition! 🎉

We start as always with the least logical.

This dandy root man, and a half man, half robin—cursed with human arms leaving him unable to fly.

Buckle up.
As Christmas time wrapped up, the previously discussed sentient snow men became less violent and more melancholy. They knew their time would be up soon.

These two snow parents didn’t have the heart to tell their poor doomed snow child of their impending fate.

But they knew.
Santa would leave town and venture back to his hidden shack, deep in the woods. He knew that if he stayed around past Christmas Day, he ran the risk of being attacked by greedy children wanting more gifts.

This eventually led to him moving to the North Pole for year round safety
Read 17 tweets
Dec 30, 2021
I’m happy to report I’m feeling infinitely more like a human today. I’m still having mild chest pain, congestion, and some light headedness. I haven’t actually tried any extensive walking yet, and I canceled both PT apts for this week, but I’m hoping to start again next week. 🤞
My resting heart rate doesn’t seem to have changed much, but I was already on medication to control my heart rate prior to the infection. (Still high for a normal person but lower than it was before the medication)

No clue what my walking and exercising HR will be like
I would honestly be surprised if I’m able to go right back to my normal exercise level for physical therapy next week.

My throat feels 1000x better than it did this time last week, but talking to my dad on the phone for ten minutes did start feeling rough at the end of the convo
Read 6 tweets
Dec 27, 2021
I think we have a serious misunderstanding of what mild means in relation to Covid. Remember, mild just means you don’t need to be hospitalized/it isn’t going to kill you. I have “mild” Covid and have been coughing up bloody phlegm for days.
I’m so sick of people acting like it’s just going to be a bad cold because of the vaccine. I’m vaccinated and boosted. It MIGHT be a bad cold for you. It might also be the sickest you’ve ever been in your life.
For two years I’ve had people treat me like I’ve been overreacting because of how cautious I’ve been. I’ve basically given up entirely on trying to tell friends when they are exhibiting outrageously dangerous behavior, because they’d just get mad and gave me shit for it.
Read 16 tweets
Dec 26, 2021
It’s Christmas Day!! It’s time to reflect on the true meaning of Christmas. It’s the thing that I think we forget due to its commercialization:

CHRISTMAS . IS . HAUNTED

And with that, I bring you another round of cursed Victorian Christmas cards! 🎄
As mentioned in the previous thread, food coming to life was a common issue. The disposition of your dinner could vary greatly. Sometimes it was jolly and just wanted to dance and spread holiday cheer!
But more often than not, it wanted revenge. This last card shows one particularly brave slab of meat(?) being nighted after defeating a family of fifteen! Animals were known to join & fight on the side of Christmas dinner, knowing they could be the next dinner if they didn’t act.
Read 20 tweets

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