Warning! Your communication habits may be harming your relationships.
How to find common ground with anyone, anywhere, at any time, both personally and professionally.
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How to find common ground with anyone, anywhere, at any time, both personally and professionally.
- Thread -
The four components (the "Components") of Nonviolent Communication (NVC):
1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
4. Requests
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1. Observations
2. Feelings
3. Needs
4. Requests
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The NVC Process
1. The concrete actions we observe that
affect our well being
2. How we feel in relation to what we
observe
3. The needs, values, desires that create
our feelings
4. The concrete action we request in
order to enrich our lives
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1. The concrete actions we observe that
affect our well being
2. How we feel in relation to what we
observe
3. The needs, values, desires that create
our feelings
4. The concrete action we request in
order to enrich our lives
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Two parts of NVC
1. Expressing honestly through the four
components
2. Receiving empathically through the
four components
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1. Expressing honestly through the four
components
2. Receiving empathically through the
four components
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Communication that blocks compassion
Specific forms of language and communication contribute to our behaving violently toward each other and ourselves.
1. Denial of responsibility
2. Moralistic judgments
3. Making comparisons
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Specific forms of language and communication contribute to our behaving violently toward each other and ourselves.
1. Denial of responsibility
2. Moralistic judgments
3. Making comparisons
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Denial of responsibility 1 / 3
Communication is life alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions.
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Communication is life alienating when it clouds our awareness that we are each responsible for our own thoughts, feelings and actions.
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Denial of responsibility 2 / 3
Nobody can “make you” feel something nor can they “make you” do something.
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves.
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Nobody can “make you” feel something nor can they “make you” do something.
We deny responsibility for our actions when we attribute their cause to factors outside ourselves.
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Denial of responsibility 3 / 3
Replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think and feel.
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Replace language that implies lack of choice with language that acknowledges choice.
We are dangerous when we are not conscious of our responsibility for how we behave, think and feel.
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Moralistic judgments 1 / 3
One kind of life alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our values.
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One kind of life alienating communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony with our values.
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Moralistic judgments 2 / 3
Blame, insults, put downs, labels, criticism, comparisons and diagnosis are all forms of judgment. When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what is wrong with others.
These are expressions of our own values & needs.
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Blame, insults, put downs, labels, criticism, comparisons and diagnosis are all forms of judgment. When we speak this language, we think and communicate in terms of what is wrong with others.
These are expressions of our own values & needs.
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Moralistic judgments 2 / 3
It is important not to confuse value judgments and moralistic judgments.
Value judgments reflect our belief of how life can best be served.
Moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that failed to support our value judgments.
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It is important not to confuse value judgments and moralistic judgments.
Value judgments reflect our belief of how life can best be served.
Moralistic judgments of people and behaviors that failed to support our value judgments.
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Making comparisons
Another form of judgment is the use of comparisons.
If you have a sincere desire to make life miserable for yourself, then you might learn to compare yourself to other people.
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Another form of judgment is the use of comparisons.
If you have a sincere desire to make life miserable for yourself, then you might learn to compare yourself to other people.
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Observing without evaluating 1 / 2
The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation.
We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well being, without mixing in any evaluation.
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The first component of NVC entails the separation of observation from evaluation.
We need to clearly observe what we are seeing, hearing, or touching that is affecting our sense of well being, without mixing in any evaluation.
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Observing without evaluating 2 / 2
NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations.
Instead, base evaluations on observations specific to time and context.
Instead of stupid, dumb or lazy, speak to the observed behavior.
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NVC is a process language that discourages static generalizations.
Instead, base evaluations on observations specific to time and context.
Instead of stupid, dumb or lazy, speak to the observed behavior.
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Identifying and expressing feelings 1 / 4
The second component necessary for expressing ourselves is feelings.
By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allow us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another.
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The second component necessary for expressing ourselves is feelings.
By developing a vocabulary of feelings that allow us to clearly and specifically name or identify our emotions, we can connect more easily with one another.
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Identifying and expressing feelings 2 / 4
Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing feelings can help resolve conflicts.
NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations.
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Allowing ourselves to be vulnerable by expressing feelings can help resolve conflicts.
NVC distinguishes the expression of actual feelings from words and statements that describe thoughts, assessments, and interpretations.
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Identifying and expressing feelings 3 / 4
1. Distinguish feelings from thoughts
2. Distinguish between what we feel and
what we think we are
3. Distinguish between words that
express actual feelings and those that
describe what we think we are
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1. Distinguish feelings from thoughts
2. Distinguish between what we feel and
what we think we are
3. Distinguish between words that
express actual feelings and those that
describe what we think we are
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Identifying and expressing feelings 4 / 4
In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:
1. Words such as that, like, as if
2. The pronouns I, you, he, she, they
3. Names or nouns referring to people
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In general, feelings are not being clearly expressed when the word feel is followed by:
1. Words such as that, like, as if
2. The pronouns I, you, he, she, they
3. Names or nouns referring to people
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Taking responsibility for our feelings 1 / 5
The third component of NVC is the acknowledgement of the needs behind our feelings.
What others say and do may be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, our feelings.
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The third component of NVC is the acknowledgement of the needs behind our feelings.
What others say and do may be the stimulus for, but never the cause of, our feelings.
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Taking responsibility for our feelings 2 / 5
When someone communicates
negatively, we have four ways to receive the message:
1. blame others
2. blame ourselves
3. sense our own feelings & needs
4. sense feelings & needs hidden in
the other persons negative message
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When someone communicates
negatively, we have four ways to receive the message:
1. blame others
2. blame ourselves
3. sense our own feelings & needs
4. sense feelings & needs hidden in
the other persons negative message
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Taking responsibility for our feelings 3 / 5
Judgments, criticisms, diagnosis, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values.
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Judgments, criticisms, diagnosis, and interpretations of others are all alienated expressions of our own needs and values.
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Taking responsibility for our feelings 4 / 5
When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self defense or counterattack.
The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.
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When others hear criticism, they tend to invest their energy in self defense or counterattack.
The more directly we can connect our feelings to our needs, the easier it is for others to respond compassionately.
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Taking responsibility for our feelings 5 / 5
In the course of developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages:
1. Emotional slavery
2. The obnoxious stage
3. Emotional liberation
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In the course of developing emotional responsibility, most of us experience three stages:
1. Emotional slavery
2. The obnoxious stage
3. Emotional liberation
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Emotional slavery - believing ourselves responsible for the feelings of others
The obnoxious stage - we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs
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The obnoxious stage - we refuse to admit to caring what anyone else feels or needs
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Emotional liberation - We accept full responsibility for our own feelings but not the feelings of others while being aware that we can never meet our own needs at the expense of others
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Request to enrich our lives 1 / 4
The 4th component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives.
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The 4th component of NVC addresses the question of what we would like to request of each other to enrich each of our lives.
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Request to enrich our lives 2 / 4
Avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not.
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Avoid vague, abstract, or ambiguous phrasing, and remember to use positive action language by stating what we are requesting rather than what we are not.
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Request to enrich our lives 3 / 4
Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want , the more likely we are to get it.
Since the message we send is not always received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard.
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Each time we speak, the clearer we are about what we want , the more likely we are to get it.
Since the message we send is not always received, we need to learn how to find out if our message has been accurately heard.
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Request to enrich our lives 4 / 4
Requests are received as demands when listeners believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply.
Help others trust we are requesting, by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they can do so willingly.
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Requests are received as demands when listeners believe they will be blamed or punished if they do not comply.
Help others trust we are requesting, by indicating our desire for them to comply only if they can do so willingly.
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The objective of NVC is not to change people in their behavior in order to get our way.
It is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone's needs.
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It is to establish relationships based on honesty and empathy that will eventually fulfill everyone's needs.
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Receiving Empathically 1 / 6
Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.
We often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance, and to explain our position or feelings.
Empathy requires us to listen to others with our whole being.
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Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing.
We often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance, and to explain our position or feelings.
Empathy requires us to listen to others with our whole being.
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Receiving Empathically 2 / 6
No matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
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No matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
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Receiving Empathically 3 / 6
We may wish to reflect back, paraphrasing what we have understood.
We stay with empathy and allow others the opportunity to fully express themselves before we turn our attention to solutions or requests for relief.
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We may wish to reflect back, paraphrasing what we have understood.
We stay with empathy and allow others the opportunity to fully express themselves before we turn our attention to solutions or requests for relief.
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Receiving Empathically 4 / 6
We need empathy to give empathy.
When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to:
1. Stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy
2. Scream non violently
3. Take a time out
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We need empathy to give empathy.
When we sense ourselves being defensive or unable to empathize, we need to:
1. Stop, breathe, give ourselves empathy
2. Scream non violently
3. Take a time out
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Receiving Empathically 5 / 6
The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing.
This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy.
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The key ingredient of empathy is presence: we are wholly present with the other party and what they are experiencing.
This quality of presence distinguishes empathy from either mental understanding or sympathy.
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Receiving Empathically 6 / 6
Some common behaviors that prevent us from being present to connect empathically with others:
- Advising
- Educating
- Consoling
- Explaining
- Correcting
- One-upping
- Story-telling
- Interrogating
- Sympathizing
- Shutting-down
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Some common behaviors that prevent us from being present to connect empathically with others:
- Advising
- Educating
- Consoling
- Explaining
- Correcting
- One-upping
- Story-telling
- Interrogating
- Sympathizing
- Shutting-down
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Paraphrasing 1 / 4
After we focus our attention to hear what others are observing, feeling and needing and what they are requesting to enrich their lives, we may wish to reflect back by paraphrasing what we have understood.
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After we focus our attention to hear what others are observing, feeling and needing and what they are requesting to enrich their lives, we may wish to reflect back by paraphrasing what we have understood.
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Paraphrasing 2 / 4
If we have accurately received the other party's message, or paraphrasing will confirm this for them.
If our paraphrase is incorrect, we give the speaker an opportunity to correct us.
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If we have accurately received the other party's message, or paraphrasing will confirm this for them.
If our paraphrase is incorrect, we give the speaker an opportunity to correct us.
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Paraphrasing 3 / 4
Another advantage of choosing to reflect a message back to the other party is it offers them time to reflect on what they have said and an opportunity to delve deeper into themselves.
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Another advantage of choosing to reflect a message back to the other party is it offers them time to reflect on what they have said and an opportunity to delve deeper into themselves.
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Paraphrasing 4 / 4
NVC suggest that our paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker.
1. What others are observing
2. What others are requesting
3. What others feeling and needs are
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NVC suggest that our paraphrasing take the form of questions that reveal our understanding while eliciting any necessary corrections from the speaker.
1. What others are observing
2. What others are requesting
3. What others feeling and needs are
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The Power of Empathy 1 / 4
Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, diffuse potential violence, hear the word "No" without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence.
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Our ability to offer empathy can allow us to stay vulnerable, diffuse potential violence, hear the word "No" without taking it as a rejection, revive a lifeless conversation, and even hear the feelings and needs expressed through silence.
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The Power of Empathy 2 / 4
It is harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status or resources.
The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel.
We “say a lot” by listening for other peoples feelings and needs
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It is harder to empathize with those who appear to possess more power, status or resources.
The more we empathize with the other party, the safer we feel.
We “say a lot” by listening for other peoples feelings and needs
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The Power of Empathy 3 / 4
When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.
It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us
Empathizing with someone's “No” protects us from taking it personally
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When we listen for feelings and needs, we no longer see people as monsters.
It may be difficult to empathize with those who are closest to us
Empathizing with someone's “No” protects us from taking it personally
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The Power of Empathy 4 / 4
To bring a conversation back to life, interrupt with empathy . What bores the listener bores the speaker too. Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.
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To bring a conversation back to life, interrupt with empathy . What bores the listener bores the speaker too. Speakers prefer that listeners interrupt rather than pretend to listen.
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This thread was inspired by the book Nonviolent Communication by the late Marshall B. Rosenberg.
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If you enjoyed this thread, please:
1. Retweet the original tweet
2. Follow @IAmCoachClint
3. Comment below
If you enjoyed this content.
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If you want to grow: personally, professionally, and financially.
Join me on the Pursuit of Learning Podcast, where we talk to expert authors about: mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and financial growth.
podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/the…
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