We thought it might be. That’s great, really it is. Congratulations.
Except, it’s not. You’re hungover and you’re having a big old think about yourself. Your predictably hungover self. Go you.
Need to take your mind off it all?
How about a nice refreshing blast of 📰The News?📰
(You're *so* welcome)
🦠️Omicron: The encore 🦠️
The Guinness World Record Book of terrible things have been rewritten several times in recent weeks.
Cases are now pushing 190,000 a day, more than double where they were a few weeks ago...
& the testing system has been struggling to keep up.
Ministers defied expectations by deciding against introducing new measures...
...a move which delighted anyone hoping to get hammered this weekend but broke the hearts of knackered NHS workers.
The silver lining? 💫
The UK has approved a medication which may well qualify for ‘wonder drug’ status 🙌
The antiviral pill slashed the risk of hospitalisation and death by 89% !!👏
But it looks like we’re going to be riding the winter wave for a while 😷
👑 A weird one at Windsor 👑
The Queen has had a long, difficult year and even the most strident of republicans could hardly begrudge her a chill Christmas.
Instead, her Christmas plans were decimated by ill health and Covid...
...and a very uninvited guest 😳
The monarch’s security were forced to burst into action when a man scaled the wall into the property armed with a crossbow.
It was a terrifying incident to round off a rather miserable year for the Queen.
Prior to that she delivered a heartbreaking message to the nation...
...which left millions teary-eyed long before the Baileys was even open.
The Queen spoke of the late Prince Philip’s ‘capacity to squeeze fun out of any situation’ and how the ‘mischievous, enquiring twinkle was as bright at the end as when I first set eyes on him' 🥺️
Speaking directly to the many families setting one fewer place at the table this year, she added:
‘But life, of course, consists of final partings as well as first meetings
‘As much as I and my family miss him, I know he would want us to enjoy Christmas'
No, you’re crying 💔
🚨 Ghislaine Maxwell 🚨
Ghislaine Maxwell, the daughter of a British newspaper baron who had every conceivable privilege in life, spent a period of her life helping a paedophile acquire young girls for abuse.
She denied everything until the bitter end but a jury saw through her story and convicted her on five counts relating to her activities with Jeffrey Epstein.
Maxwell will almost certainly spend a significant time in prison, perhaps until the day she dies, for her crimes.
The case could have a huge bearing on Virginia Giuffre’s civil lawsuit against Prince Andrew, a process which is due for a big week in New York.
One of the charges Maxwell was convicted of related directly to crimes perpetrated against Giuffre.
Prince Andrew strenuously denies all allegations made against him.
Her conviction is the latest stage in a sordid, harrowing story which tells us something a lot more of us should have known a lot sooner about the world of rich men, vulnerable girls and abuse.
🇬🇧Brexit rearing its head again🇬🇧
Look, we don’t want to have to be the ones to tell you this, but Brexit is a thing you’re going to have to care about again this week.
Stricter controls on goods moving between the UK and EU come into force on January 1 which...
...get rid of the halfway house arrangements that were in place to prevent disruption after the messy divorce.
There could be trouble on the horizon, with the British Frozen Food Federation warning the changes could result in major delays at ports.
At the same time, companies are also dealing with persistent problems in the logistics sector, especially the shortage of HGV drivers.
What does this look like in practice?
Well, Ikea has confirmed it has had to hike prices, with the cost of some furniture up by 50%.
Meanwhile, in a move seemingly designed to delight the DAMN THOSE MEDDLING BRUSSELS BUREAUCRATS crowd, the EU is set to ban colour ink in tattoos over safety concerns.
So, we may see empty shelves again, but our Union Flag tattoos will be brighter and bolder than ever 😳
And finally…A nice day out in London (not) 😬
One unlucky child was treated to an object lesson in what feels like to be an adult on New Year’s Day this week...
When they were marched into the ground by a guard clearly unwilling to stop for no one – man, woman or child ⚠️⚠️
Luckily, the young’un was entirely unharmed and bounced right back up like they do at that age 🙏
Stephanie Matto, a former 90 Day Fiance star who made £38,000 a week from selling her farts in a jar (yes, really) has revealed that she was rushed to hospital...
Stephanie Matto recently shed light on her unusual stream of income, explaining how she utilised her 260k-strong following as her customer base to sell her pungent product, which retailed at a princely $1k (£756) a jar.
Yes, you read that right: £756.
At one point, demand was so high for Stephanie’s wind that she was producing up to 50 jars worth of farts a week.
Jose grew up in Cali in the southwest of Colombia and says it always felt ‘magical.’
‘I started understanding my sexual orientation at an early age, and being gay in any heteronormative society, where ‘machismo’ prevails can be an experience of mixed feelings.’
But those few thrilling years of being queer and feeling joyful soon dimmed with Jose’s HIV diagnosis.
‘I became depressed and blue. Lonely and withdrawn. My meds kept me alive, but I was half-dead inside.’
The Apprentice returns to BBC One this week with 16 ambitious new entrepreneurs battling it out for Lord Alan Sugar’s £250,000 investment in their business 💰
A former rugby player, dessert parlour owner and a pharmacist are among the contestants taking part in this year’s series.
So, are you ready to meet the contestants? Ofc, you are!
Firstly, we have Aaron Willis who is a 38-year-old flight operations instructor from Chorley, Lancashire.
‘My strongest point is that I can sell, to anybody and I think that’s the reason why my business will be a success, because people will buy from me.’
BREAKING: The petition calling for Tony Blair to have his knighthood rescinded has now hit more than 400,000 signatures. trib.al/xIoZWPN
The ‘cruellest, sickest thing I ever heard’.
The dad of a British soldier murdered in Iraq has described Sir Tony Blair’s knighthood as a ‘kick in the stomach’. metro.co.uk/2022/01/03/dad…
John Miller said ‘it’s hard to describe the pain this news has caused us’ as he and his wife, Marilyn, continue to seek justice over their son Simon’s brutal death on a training mission in June 2003.
EXCLUSIVE: How the families of Stephen Port’s victims helped shape the BBC drama Four Lives. trib.al/YjSzm1a
The three-part series documents the murders of Anthony Walgate, Gabriel Kovari, Daniel Whitworth, and Jack Taylor, and is based on extensive and frank research provided by the victims’ families.
‘It’s an enormous privilege to talk to them and to hear their stories,’ writer Neil McKay tells Metro.co.uk.
‘I have to pay tribute to the courage they showed in telling their stories so openly and frankly.’