Caspar Salmon Profile picture
Jan 12, 2022 20 tweets 8 min read Read on X
Today I wish to pay tribute to the time-honoured magazine photoshoot "put hot man in a suit in a pool". The more you think about it the weirder it is?! Andrew Garfield seems to be the latest actor roped into it.
I don't know exactly when it started - I could swear I've seen ones of 90s stars like Bradley Pitt etc, but can now not find those on the internet. But the form has claimed so many. Here's another of the spider-men
Someone else from the Marvels. I have to say, Anthony Mackie does not look happy here. You need to bring it when you're wearing a suit in a pool.
Oscar Isaac has looked hotter imo. Probably because he's quite cold in this pic! Ha ha ha
An ironic twist on the form from Baby Goose. Careful not to break the fourth wall too much, Ryan! We need to imagine that you are suave but also *accidentally* wet.
Hamm
Jordan, Efron and Teller. See what I mean about how it just looks weird after a while? They're very handsome men but perhaps not objectified enough here.
To be clear I'm not talking about some vulgar "wet t-shirt" kind of thing. It's too obvious what you're trying to do to me. (Bomer, The Rock, Franco)
In a way, I think the idea of just chucking a suited celebrity in any old California pool and scoring a cheap bit of handsomeness must be a defence against the celebrity's resistance to performing their function too overtly. (Hiddleston)
Armie looks uncomfortable and angry here, but he's the photographer's bitch at least. No way for him to argue once he's in there.
Is Russell Crowe even in a swimming pool here? It looks like the first reservoir in a water recycling unit.
I didn't mean to end on Zachary Quinto, it just panned out that way. He's doing it all wrong (get your face wet and wear some shoes, you monster!), so I'm really sorry about that.
I've had a write-in for Joaquin Phoenix, so it's my pleasure to append this one to the list.
Another write-in, this time for Colin Farrell. I think he's lacking a dinner jacket to be honest - this is close to wet t-shirt territory. Still, it works.
Just adding this one of Jim Caviezel to the thread! Please enjoy the sight of another man in a suit, in water.
Next up we have Alex Wolff with a jaunty-boyfriend angle on the classic. I would prefer a shirt and collar but fine!
And Jean Dujardin - bit of a fun one, this, and good drenching on the shirt.
Since this thread started going somewhat viral I've had submissions for Hayden Christensen and Vince Vaughn - two of the earliest examples of the phenomenon we've had so far.
Also a TV special of Pedro Pascal, Norman Reedus, Ricky Whittle and, er, John Bishop.
I'm informed that this is an actor called Alexander Ludwig. We may have run out of A-listers but the format stays strong.

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More from @CasparSalmon

Sep 18, 2023
Thinking about Russell Brand's emergence at a time of shifting codes around masculinity. He arrived on the scene in 2004, two years after the word "metrosexual" hit the mainstream, and the same year that Nuts and Zoo magazine were launched in the UK.
Lad culture always existed as a reaction to the perceived feminising of male identity by the gay scene and bloody feminists. There was a panic about men losing their masculinity - which endures today in more polarised form. This is from 2005: nytimes.com/2005/06/19/fas…
Russell Brand played the dandy in looks and language, appearing different to the dominant lad culture archetypes around at the time, but played right into lad culture and benefited from it, playing on the supposed surprise that somebody like him would be of that milieu.
Read 8 tweets
Oct 29, 2021
Of the films released today I've seen two documentaries, THE RESCUE and A COP MOVIE, which offer pretty interesting examples of approaches to the form. The former is pretty classical for all of its tension, & the latter takes enormous pleasure in playing around with performance.
I reviewed THE RESCUE here for The Daily Beast: thedailybeast.com/the-rescue-tel…
As I say in my review, I think THE RESCUE has its pleasures but is kind of hamstrung by its subject - the challenge of how you reconstruct, how you film, inside dark and inaccessible areas, is not quite resolved, leading to a straight 'talking heads' joint.
Read 4 tweets
Oct 29, 2021
Hello! Just me being a contrary arsehole again, sorry, but when a journalist @'s the subject of an article into a tweet or an Instagram post about it, do you not see how you are compromising your independence and the quality of your writing? Are you happy just being the machine?
Transparently, all you will get is retweets if it gets picked up by the actor/singer whatever, so you are possibly furthering your own brand and gaining traction, but you also cannot possibly be sufficiently disinterested if that is the case. This is PR.
Especially lately, a new type of profile has arisen which always finds favour with its subject, where the interviewer is written into the piece, and the article is shared as a kind of co-branding exercise, with all parties satisfied by the promotional opportunity. I hate this!
Read 4 tweets
Mar 15, 2021
So, something film-related from the weekend that shocked me and which has stayed with me, is that late on Friday night I dipped into the #Cesar2021 hashtag to see who had won prizes at France's top cinema awards, and was greeted by a torrent of reactionary/racist hate towards it.
People were annoyed at Fathia Youssouf and Jean-Pascal Zadi, two black actors, winning awards. They were pissed off with Fary, a black comedian. They were gleeful that Camélia Jordana, a French-Algerian actor, hadn't won an award. They were obsessed with Adama Traoré.
Perhaps above all, there seemed to be real disgust towards the perceived elitism and detachment of the event, towards Paris's "gauche caviar" (champagne socialists). It felt like a tidal wave of so-called "anti-woke" hatred. And all of this on the battleground of culture.
Read 5 tweets
Jan 29, 2021
Sorry to come back to this, but the issue is not so much whether the individual writer's copy was sexist, but about the conduct of Variety, the publication who employ him. I really think fellow journalists should show solidarity and focus on that.
I don't think it's good enough to say that the writer's wording was ambiguous, and that whether he intended to be sexist or not, he gave the appearance of it. His editors assigned him to review the film, received his copy, and ran it as is. Then they made a show of disowning him.
What we need is to advance solutions, not use heavy language to snipe. I would expect journalists to put forward some ideas, rather than snipe at a colleague. Here's one: Variety could have assigned Amy Nicholson or Jessica Kiang to review the film instead.
Read 6 tweets
Jul 23, 2017
I know I should get over it, but I can't stop getting infuriated about Jacob Rees-Mogg having 6 kids & never changing a nappy. What a shit.
He should be done for neglect. That sort of hideous patriarchal bullshit isn't just silly, it's grotesque, harmful, cruel & disrespectful.
How dare he? HOW DARE HE? Siring six children on his indoors sex-woman like some Victorian fuckhead, without showing any care afterwards?
Read 7 tweets

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