“No one warned me I was prime minister”
A Twitter masterclass in Churchillian national & global leadership.
By Alexander “Boris” The Great Malevolent Fraud. 1/n
A Twitter masterclass in Churchillian national & global leadership.
By Alexander “Boris” The Great Malevolent Fraud. 1/n
No one warned me breaking the law was illegal.
2/n
2/n
No one warned me an illegal gathering in the garden was an illegal gathering in the garden. But I was only illegal for 25 minutes. So in a limited & specific way. Which, as Churchill wrote in the Magna Carta of the UK, is every PM’s right according to [fake Latin reference].
3/n
3/n
A surprise birthday party in the Downing Street Cabinet Room, organised by one’s live-in partner, is & always has been regarded as an essential work event, for key workers.
No one ever told me otherwise. During the whole 10 minutes I was there.
Anyway, it was a surprise.
4/n
No one ever told me otherwise. During the whole 10 minutes I was there.
Anyway, it was a surprise.
4/n
No one warned me the insane Brexit deal I demanded - which every honest person who knew anything always explained would create a GB-NI customs & regulatory frontier, undermining peace & the UK - would create a GB-NI customs & regulatory frontier, undermining peace & the UK.
5/n
5/n
No one warned me that I had a parliamentary private secretary, personally appointed by me, whose sole tasks, under my direction & directly reporting to me, are to represent me & act on my behalf.
6/n
6/n
No one warned me they were wine bottles.
7/n
7/n
No one warned me that my defining policy was a deranged, vicious attack on the UK - trashing its constitutional order, its security, prosperity & well-being - a national betrayal for which I’ll go down in history as an evil, disastrous failure. And quite possibly to prison.
8/n
8/n
No one warned me I had to understand words.
9/n
9/n
No one warned me I had been ambushed with a cake.
Which makes me the right leader for “Global Britain” & the Euro-Atlantic alliance as President Putin keeps 100,000 heavily armed troops at battle readiness on the borders of Ukraine.
10/n
Which makes me the right leader for “Global Britain” & the Euro-Atlantic alliance as President Putin keeps 100,000 heavily armed troops at battle readiness on the borders of Ukraine.
10/n
No one warned me I was Minister for the Civil Service.
11/n
11/n
No one warned me they were dogs.
12/n
12/n
No one warned me I needed to understand warnings about things I’m warned about.
13/n
13/n
No one warned me I was demanding & signing a demented, destructive deal with the intention of reneging on it.
14/n
14/n
Nobody warned me my entire life so far made me unfit to run a whelk stall let alone a city or a government department, still less a country.
Or to hold public office of any kind.
Or to be seen in polite society.
OK, they did.
But they’re nobodies.
I’m The Special One.
15/n
Or to hold public office of any kind.
Or to be seen in polite society.
OK, they did.
But they’re nobodies.
I’m The Special One.
15/n
No one warned me the putrid taste of national betrayal would be so arousing.
16/n
16/n
No one warned me the coloured papers marked “TOP SECRET - STRAP”, followed by further designations indicating the most extreme sensitivity & danger to lives & national security, contained information I couldn’t casually share with Carrie, her friends & the decorator.
17/n
17/n
No one warned me my extremely dangerous friend would be so idiotic as to say the quiet part out loud.
Even I try to give the impression I think ministers must be held accountable & use their quasi-monarchical power over vast financial & human resources to get the job done.
18/n
Even I try to give the impression I think ministers must be held accountable & use their quasi-monarchical power over vast financial & human resources to get the job done.
18/n
No one warned me being mired in a midden of unparalleled scandals - of my making, driven by my fatal character flaws & darkly hilarious incapacity for discipline, analysis or leadership - would prevent me making the phone call vital to me single-handedly saving the world.
19/n
19/n
No one - except all the people who told me not to do it - warned me using parliamentary privilege slyly to defame Keir Starmer’s prosecutorial record on Jimmy Savile, would lead to a backlash. Or the reheating of conspiracy theories about my own connection to Satanism.
20/n
20/n
No one warned me that crime going up by 14% is the opposite of crime going down by 14%.
21/n
21/n
No one warned me employing as a top advisor someone closely associated with “Living Marxism”, genocide denial, “Spiked” & my criminally destructive Brexit, & who thinks racism an “exaggerated” problem, might prove I was unfit to hold public office.
Now even she realises.
22/n
Now even she realises.
22/n
No one warned me Carlsberg was probably the best smoking gun in the world.
(“I held, but I did not sip. Anyway, Starmer … curry … paedophile … nothing personal … sorry … not sorry … Corbyn … lieBrexitdonelievaccineliepeoplesprioritiesliebestinG7liemorejobslie”).
23/n
(“I held, but I did not sip. Anyway, Starmer … curry … paedophile … nothing personal … sorry … not sorry … Corbyn … lieBrexitdonelievaccineliepeoplesprioritiesliebestinG7liemorejobslie”).
23/n
No one warned me photographers took photographs.
24/n
24/n
No one warned me it’d become a neat excuse to claim I accidentally wrecked the country because a woman led me astray, & I could fix everything by “just being Boris” & abandoning yet another partner & family.
Get Brexit undone?
Sure.
As long as I’m World King.
25/n
Get Brexit undone?
Sure.
As long as I’m World King.
25/n
No one warned me that, even if my flat was a dual-purpose residence & workplace, the ABBA party was illegal. Or that, if I wasn’t joining in, I should have put a stop to it. Or that lying is disqualifying. For any government minister. Or that I need a divorce lawyer. Again.
26/n
26/n
No one warned me that having a worse vaccine performance than European countries in the European Medicines Agency was the opposite of having a better vaccine performance than them.
Or that, briefed to the hilt as a PM always is, to claim otherwise is to lie.
27/n
Or that, briefed to the hilt as a PM always is, to claim otherwise is to lie.
27/n
No one warned me that I was lying when I gave a false figure about people in employment in the UK.
Or that 1 million is a large number - the difference between 400,000 more in employment (success, but a lie) & 600,000 fewer (failure, & the truth).
28/n
fullfact.org/economy/januar…
Or that 1 million is a large number - the difference between 400,000 more in employment (success, but a lie) & 600,000 fewer (failure, & the truth).
28/n
fullfact.org/economy/januar…
No one warned me my job was to work.
29/n
29/n
No one warned me about this “one rule for me, another for them” thing.
I deeply apologise if anyone feels hurt.
By the discovery that it’s my birthright.
Not theirs.
30/n
I deeply apologise if anyone feels hurt.
By the discovery that it’s my birthright.
Not theirs.
30/n
No one warned me my fanatical pursuit of a deranged Brexit was just what my friend Vladimir - who sees his survival as dependent on smashing the US-led Euro-Atlantic security order, based on the twin foundations of NATO & the EU - needed.
Still, I’m PM.
So who cares, eh?
31/n
Still, I’m PM.
So who cares, eh?
31/n
No one warned me you’re not allowed to compare notes with potential co-conspirators when the police are investigating you for alleged criminality.
Which is just as well.
Because it doesn’t apply to me.
World Kings are different.
32/n
Which is just as well.
Because it doesn’t apply to me.
World Kings are different.
32/n
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