Thread by @insomnochick

I am starting to forget.
You know that moment where you realize you no longer easily hear a deceased loved-one's laugh? Or remember the sound of their footsteps as they walked? I'm starting to feel that way about America. 1/

I know intellectually I grew up and lived most of my adult life in a country that was more open-minded, live-and-let-live, and generally "free" than the one we live in now, but I can no longer remember what it felt like.2/

I approach interactions with strangers with trepidation now, especially those involved with healthcare. I've been in the hospital much more than the average person in my life, and my experiences as a CHILD in the early 70s were vastly superior to anything since.3/

Whereas I once looked forward to watching my children grow up, and build their lives, I'm now struggling to help them cope with basic things, like making friends, and even imagining a future ruins high school. I don't have the words, and my memories are no help. 4/

When my 13 year old tells me blankly "It's ok, I didn't really expect her to follow through, they never do", after hearing that a new friend canceled plans to get together because of her mom's Covid fears, I am struck dumb. What do I say? 5/

I can't tell her "Maybe next time," there have been so many disappointments like this. Maybe not next time is more likely. I can't allow my mind to wander back to my teenage years, when at 13 I was playing soccer, and spending more time with my friends than my parents. 6/

I wanted that for her, for all my girls, but they don't have that. The closest thing my 18 year-old has to normalcy is a part-time job, and twice monthly homeschool dance club. Beyond that? They're hermits compared to us, and it hurts so much to think about, memory fades.7/

It's not the facts that are fading, it's the feelings. Now there's just a vague numbness where joyful anticipation, and appreciation used to be. I'm getting close to not wanting to remember, so I can better cope with reality. At the same time, something in me says "don't!"8/

I have to try to remember, I have to fight the urge to accept this so-called "new normal," as painful as it is to remember freedom, because if I don't, if I slip all the way through this grief, they'll have won.9/

Freedom has to animate our imaginations if we are going to have a prayer of restoring it. I have to hold on, I have to listen harder for that laughter, and those footsteps, but they sure are getting faint.../END