Thread by @Onomato_poetic

Just woke up with the plot of an entire fic, so, have some #XiXian

Umm... modern au setting, previous WangXian, intersex Lan Xichen. CW: terminal illness, death, grief, pregnancy. First ever threadfic, please be gentle?

after lwj dies prematurely of terminal illness, wwx and lxc decide to go away together. not to do anything, really, they just cannot face going right back to living their lives as though nothing's happened when the most important person in their life is no longer there with them.

they're just going to hit pause for a little while, and none of them wants to be alone in their grief. it's a win-win solution, if grieving together can ever be that. so they take leave from work - well, wwx extends his, it's been months since he was there - and they leave.

they go abroad, and tell each other that they're not running away, just putting some distance. and anyway, they're not alone, are they?

they rent a flat through airbnb, nothing special, and at first, they sort of just move throughout their shared space in silence.

they know each other well, it's impossible not to when you've been inlaws for over twenty years and have spent the past 18 months taking turns to care for someone about to leave forever. but it's different when lwj is no longer there between them. when it's just the two of them.

they don't talk a lot, in the beginning. they go on walks for hours on end, each alone with their thoughts, until by unspoken agreement their feet turn back toward the flat. they eat. they send reassuring texts to their families.

they hide their tears from each other, only letting them out at night, when they are in separate rooms and pillows and walls muffle the sound.

it hurts. even together, they have never felt more alone.

one morning, wwx wakes earlier than usual. it's lwj's hour, wwx used to think of it: that early morning hour when lwj would wake up and if wwx did too, there'd be morning sex and a nap and sometimes even breakfast in bed. but of course, the space next to him is empty.

he gets up anyway and shuffles out into the kitchen, only to see lxc leaning against one of the kitchen counters. his back is turned but his shoulders are visibly shaking and he has a hand raised to his face; he is clearly crying, soundlessly though it might be.

and wwx can't stand it, suddenly. cannot bear the silence and the weight of being alone, so he pads up to lxc and puts a hand on his shoulder, and lxc turns towards him blindly, not so much hugging him as clinging to him, a drowning man grasping desperately for purchase.

wwx holds him just as tightly and lxc sobs against his neck: "i miss him. i miss him so much."

wwx cries, too. he gets tears and snot all over lxc's nice shirt and he can't stop. "me too" he whispers, over and over. "i miss him, i miss him."

they stay like that for a long time. wwx laughs, embarrassed, as they disentangle, but more out of habit than because he truly feels embarrassed. lxc gets tissues for both of them, they laugh helplessly at the wet patches on each other's shoulders.

lxc makes tea.

they sit in the couch, wwx in one end, lxc in the other, as though leaving room for lwj in the middle between them. he wouldn't have sat in the middle, of course; he hated sitting in the middle, preferring a safe corner to back up against. wwx says so, lxc chuckles.

"he was always like that" lxc says, "ever since he was a kid. he wanted solid ground beneath his feet and a wall to lean against, and then he could face the world."
"and he chose me" wwx muses, "a fucking earthquake."
"no" lxc disagrees softly.

"you were his solid ground. he'd never been more sure of anything."
wwx begins to cry again.

it becomes a little easier, after that. they talk more, begin to spend the time they have together, rather than just side by side.

when they're out walking, they point things out to each other, asking what lwj would have thought of that store or that view, or telling each other when something reminds them of him. they share memories, they laugh, they cry.

they cry a lot. the cashier in their closest corner store looks at them with more and more concern the more packets of tissues they buy. they take to carrying paper tissues wherever they go.

they touch.

at first it's awkward, hesitant. they worked closely together at the end, trying their best to make lwj comfortable, and they did it well, but aside from accidentally brushing each other's hands when passing something over dinner, they've never really touched each other before.

they don't hug again, after that first time, but sometimes, lxc places his hand on wwx's shoulder or back, or wwx takes lxc's hand and just holds it, for a little while. nothing much, just a small gesture to say "i'm here, you're not alone, that's what we said, remember?"

but not being alone does not mean the loneliness goes away, and the space next to wwx in his bed is still so empty. one night, beside himself with lack of sleep and feeling so terribly, achingly lonely, he leaves his bed and goes to knock on lxc's door.

he has no idea what he's doing. when lxc's murmurs something in reply and wwx pushes down the door handle, it's not like he has a plan. he just... needs. needs to be held, needs to be told he'll be alright, needs to not be alone. and lxc turns on his bedside lamp and sits up and-

he looks so much like lwj.

wwx's heart nearly stops in his chest and he sobs, loudly, because there is so much of lwj in lxc's face, in his shoulders, in his eyes, in his *voice*, even if what he says isn't "wei ying" but a startled, worried "wuxian...?"

he still pats the bed and wwx crawls up next to him with tears clouding his eyes, burrowing his face against lxc's shoulder. "please" he whispers, "please, i just... please just hold me" and lxc does. he wraps his arm around wwx and strokes his hair and whispers

soft nothings in wwx's ear. wwx clutches at him and tries not sob uncontrollably, tries to breathe just as lxc tells him to, and lxc is warm and safe and there, holding wwx together. when wwx's body finally relaxes again, lxc kisses his hair.

they both freeze. this is not- this is not something that should have happened. right? a comforting shoulder-squeeze, a hand on one's back, even a hug - those are all comforts they offered and received from each other. but kisses? that... that's something else.

[break]

but wwx still needs, and lxc is right there, warm and safe. he doesn't move away when wwx leans back, just enough to look up at him with eyes full of questions he could never put into words. they are dark, lxc's eyes. the only gold in them are reflections of the lamp light.

"i'm sorry" lxc whispers. he looks afraid.
"it's okay" wwx tells him, and moves one hand to his cheek.
"i'm not him."
"i know. neither am i."
their gazes meet, and even in the semi-dark, they don't look at each other so much as through each other.

lxc sees his brother-in-law, the love of his brother's life. sees the lines that grief have carved into his face, deeper even than those of laughter. remembers seeing him smile as he combed lwj's hair and lay curled up next to him, singing lullabies to help him through the pain.

wwx sees his husband's older brother, lwj's rock and rudder. lxc, who brought him up, and who carried their rings for them when they married, and who came over with food when wwx could hardly bring himself to eat, much less cook.

they're not looking for lwj. they both know he's not there. but they are the closest thing they have to him: the only other person who knew him as well as they did themselves.

and they are alone, and they need not to be.

kissing lxc is infinitely different from kissing lwj. he's careful and hesitant, almost but not quite leaning away every now and again, as though to give wwx a chance to stop, to leave. wwx doesn't stop.

he pulls lxc back and kisses him even gentler, crawls up in his lap to cup his face between his hands and kiss his lips, his cheeks, the teardrops in the corners of his eyes. lxc kisses him, too, on his neck, below his ear, his hands on wwx's back large and warm.

it feels good. wwx feels truly good for the first time since the funeral, but that was a different kind of good. that was relief, that was finally being done with waiting for the inevitable. he needs this, to be held, cared for, cherished, but lxc needs it too,

and they can give that to each other. this, too, is comfort.

it probably shouldn't spark desire. wwx hasn't felt horny for over a year, and making out with his deceased husband's brother while they are both almost crying probably shouldn't make him want to go even further, but.

but, well. there it is. lxc notices a little later, as he moves his hand to tug at the front of wwx's t-shirt. he exhales a tiny "oh" and withdraws his hand, withdraws himself.
"it doesn't matter" wwx says, needing to be allowed to stay close. "ignore it."
lxc shakes his head.

"is this something you want?" he asks.
not need. want.
"i don't know" wwx answers honestly, still cupping lxc's face. "i can't tell."
he doesn't know why he's hard; he's not sure he's even turned on, really. he just knows that what they're doing feels good, and safe, and nice.

and he doesn't want to stop. does not want to even consider going back to his own empty, silent room, with a bed that is too large and too empty.
"what about you?"
"i... don't know either." lxc looks at him with an almost sheepish expression on his face.

"i can't help but think that he'd kill me if he knew about this."
wwx laughs softly, and pushes some loose hair out of lxc's face.
"not you. if he'd been alive, he'd have been hurt, and he wouldn't have known how to say so, but... he's not here. and he knew-"

wwx must clear his throat; it's suddenly thick with tears.
"he knew i'd be lost without him, and he knew you wouldn't take advantage of him. if anything, that's- that's what i'm doing, isn't it?"
"are you?" lxc's voice is almost inaudible.
"no? i don't know?"

"no" lxc says quietly, "i don't think you are. but if you wanted to... i think that'd be okay."
"take advantage of you? or sleep with you?"
"the latter. i think that'd be okay."
"okay." wwx nods.
"okay."
wwx kisses him again, on the lips. definitely lxc. no doubt about it.

it's not... hot, exactly? it's achingly sweet, and close, and that's enough. he can work with this, they can make each other feel good. only, he realises belatedly, there's a slight problem.
"shit- shit, xichen-ge, i don't have condoms. or lube."
of course he doesn't.

he's on a time out to *grieve his husband*, with whom he was married for twenty years. he didn't think he'd be having any sort of sex while away, and certainly not with lxc, who is now making another concerned little "oh"-noise and says: "me neither."

they stop kissing and just... sit, for a little while. they're leaning towards each other, foreheads touching and their breaths mingling in the close space.
"i..." lxc begins. "i haven't been with anyone. for years. but i only stopped getting tested last year. i'm clean."

"yeah" wwx says, throat dry, because he hasn't had to have this conversation for literal decades. "yeah, me too."
"we could do it another way, i suppose. doesn't have to be..."
wwx is infinitely glad lxc doesn't actually finish that sentence.

"i could suck you off" he offers instead. "would you like that?"
he doesn't know what he expects, but it isn't what actually happens: lxc cocking his head and frowning at him.
"what?"
"i'm not..."
"not hard yet?" wwx knows that much - he's sitting in lxc's lap, after all.

"want me to jerk you off, then?"
"not, it's-" lxc looks at him very strangely now. "didn't wangji tell you?"
"tell me what?"
wwx is properly confused now; what can there possibly be about this situation that lwj might have told him about?

lxc doesn't seem to know what to say, but he takes one of wwx's hands and guides it very slowly down between them, in between his legs where there's no telltale bulge at all. not even a non-bulge, only a mound, warm under the soaked-through pajama trousers.
"oh" wwx breathes.

he cups his hand almost on instinct - thoughts blown away by the wet warmth that he's somehow missed. he just thought lxc maybe wasn't that into it, that maybe it was just wwx's body getting interested.
"no" he manages at last with a shake of his head. "he never told me."

wwx honestly can't imagine how that could ever have come up in conversation. even if lwj hadn't been an extremely private person, there really aren't that many occasions for someone to tell their best friend, partner and spouse "oh, by the way, my brother has a vulva".

not even in twenty years.
"are you trans?" he brings himself to ask. it feels deeply intimate, even as he is still fondling lxc through his trousers.
"no, just born this way" lxc says. "does that... bother you?"
"no?" he doesn't mean it to come out like a question.

[break]

"only i've never- i don't know how to make you feel good."
he feels embarrassed, suddenly, which is new. he's had *a lot* of sex in his days, and considers himself both experienced, knowledgeable and not easily phased. now he feels like he's about to do it for the first time.

which, technically, he probably is.
"i can show you" lxc says, sounding almost as reassuring as ever, but... frailer. "you don't have to... i guess that would be too much."
wwx *hears* him pull back before he actually does - or, tries to. wwx is still in his lap, and

wwx has had decades of learning how to decode lan boys and their microexpressions. he might not know lxc as well as he knew lwj, but lxc is much more expressive, and wears his heart on his sleeve. given what has already been said, wwx is convinced he hasn't gotten it wrong.

"you want me to fuck you?"
lxc reacts as though he has been stung, and he doesn't meet wwx's gaze, only withdraws his hands and rubs his arms as if he's suddenly cold.
"xichen-ge?"
"i want to feel something other than sad" lxc says. "i want to feel my body, alive."

wwx swallows. he gets it. he's tired of carrying himself around as well.
"you're sure? there are other ways, I mean, I could probably figure out how to-" he trails off. lxc looks so small. smaller than it should be possible for a man of 6'2" to look.

he moves his hands, both of them, to lxc's. holds them; holds him.
"okay" wwx whispers, "okay. we're both healthy, that's a good start. are there any other umm..."
"risks?" lxc replies, a little dryly and shakes his head. "no. there used to be, but i'm too old."
it sounds weird.

maybe it's because all wwx has heard these past few years is how lwj was too young to die. lxc is only a couple of years older, after all, and he looks good. in his mid-40's, he still fit and barely wrinkled, and still has a full head of ink-black hair.

he might look a bit worn - who doesn't? not wwx! - but not old.
"don't say that" wwx says.
"in this regard, it's true. no need to worry about contraception."
wwx has never had to worry about that in his life. to him and lwj, conceiving was a joke, a play.

"okay" wwx says again and nods - either to himself or lxc, he doesn't know. "come here."
almost to his surprise, lxc does. he leans back in and wraps his arms back around wwx and returns wwx's kiss, not with passion, perhaps, but longing. it's just another kind of need.

they kiss for some time, lips and tongue coming together while their hands roam over each other's night clothes, careful, not daring to take liberties. it's not until wwx is covering lxc's neck with kisses and lxc starts to unbutton his pajama shirt that it begins to feel real.

titillating, the tremble of lxc's body under wwx's lips, the sounds he makes. irresistable, the promise of the renewed swell of wwx's cock. just to not be alone, for a while. just to feel alive, in one's own body, here and now, held and cherished.

at some point, they lie down on the bed. shirts already discarded, they wriggle out of their pajama trousers and again lxc guides wwx's hand to his crotch, spreading his legs to allow both their hands to explore.
"this is my clit" he says, voice a little raspy as he makes

wwx rub a circle lightly above the hard nub before moving them further down, and his breath becoming shorter as he drags wwx's fingers through his hot, slick folds.
"and this is where I want you inside me. go on, you can slip a finger in, or two."
"really?"
"really."

his finger slips inside lxc with frigthening ease. no need to tease or edge stubborn muscles; his finger sinks easily inside to the third knuckle, and there is clearly room for at least one more. next to him, lxc sighs and relaxes into the mattress.

"is it good?" wwx cannot help but ask - he has no idea.
"mm, it will be" lxc nods and reaches for him, and takes a kiss for the first time tonight. "it just takes a while to build up to it."
his hand moves down, but stops for a moment.
"can I touch you?"

"yeah" wwx says, "yeah of course", and then gasps as lxc wraps his hand around around wwx's cock and starts jerking him off with excruciatingly slow, measured strokes.
"oh fuck" he mumbles, hiding his face by lxc's neck, "it's been so long, i don't know how long i'll last"

"that's okay" lxc whispers into his ear, "it'll be okay. i just want to feel you, just for a little while."

[CW: unprotected sex]

it's not quite as easy a glide as wwx would have thought, given that lxc is wet enough to coat wwx's cock in his own slick before

helping him to line himself up, but after a few steadying breaths on both parts, it really only takes a few moments before wwx is seated hilt deep in lxc, enveloped by his heat.
"is this okay?" wwx asks. "are you good?"
it feels too easy, somehow, but lxc nods fervently.

"yes, yes, please." he pulls wwx closer, close enough to arch up to chase a kiss, to bite at wwx's neck, but he doesn't. he just holds on. "please" he says again, and so wwx begins to fuck him.
it's probably not very good sex, just artless rutting, pushing their bodies together

like mismatched puzzle pieces. they fit well enough: wwx doesn't fake the sounds he makes as he slams into lxc, and lxc's moans as he strokes himself are not acted, his nails raking the skin on wwx's back desperately real, but it's like their images were never made to match.

wwx holds out as best he can on his own orgasm until lxc begins to shudder and gasp underneath him. when he comes and his hot insides clamp down on wwx's cock, the sensation feels familiar enough that wwx comes too, hard and fast, collapsing over lxc in the bed.

he comes to after a few moments, maybe a minute, still draped over lxc's chest where he fell. his heart is beating slower already, tired and heavy thumps after the recent exertion, and he can feel himself slipping out of lxc's warm insides as his cock goes soft.

he forces himself to slide off entirely then, glide down on lxc's side where it's easier to look at him. there are tears in the corner of lxc's eye, but as he looks at wwx, he smiles through the tears and turns on his side, too.

"thank you" he says quietly. "that was- that felt..."
"yeah" wwx nods - he has no words, either, only the sensation of a weight in his chest, of being comfortably settled. "is it okay if i stay?"
lxc nods, his large, dark eyes filled with something like relief.

they clean up, or at least perform a cursory wipe-off, using the paper tissues. then wwx flops back against the mattress and lxc turns out the light, and pulls the single cover up over them. for a little while, they just lie there, naked and still a bit sweaty from their tryst,

side by side and no more than two handsbreadths apart in awkward silence.
wwx is the one to break it.
"xichen-ge?"
"hm?"
"would you be okay with... with maybe holding me a bit longer?"
there's another little silence, but a less awkward one. wwx thinks he hears lxc sniffle, but

it's difficult to tell.
"yes" lxc says quietly after a few moments. "i would. come here"
in the dark, wwx shuffles closer and is gathered close into lxc's embrace. it's warm, and a little strange, with so much naked skin and the smell of sex clinging to both them and the sheets,

but he feels safe. protected, even.
"good night, wuxian" lxc whispers, the words a tickling breath on wwx's skin.
"good night, xichen-ge" wwx replies, as he allows himself to close his eyes, exhale, and relax. for the first time in over a month, he falls asleep within seconds.

the next morning, things aren't as awkward as they could have been. wwx wakes up alone in the bed, but that's nothing new - there was a time he'd kept score of the number of times he managed to get lwj to sleep in - and lxc is a good lan boy, too.

he shuffles out of the bed, puts his pajama back on and heads to the kitchen, where lan xichen is sitting by the table with an empty cup of tea, reading. he looks up at wwx when he enters, the familiar ocean of sadness in his eyes tinged with concern and embarrassment and...

joy?
"good morning" he says, voice slightly husky from disuse.
"g'morn" wwx manages - awake, after all, does not mean alert - and yawns. "hgnm... more tea?"
"yes please."
wwx makes a fresh cup for lxc, and coffee for himself. they eat breakfast in silence, and clear the table.

they don't talk about last night, not until well into the afternoon when they're out walking and taking a break in a tiny little park. they've bought ice cream, the weather is that nice, and once he's finished his, wwx leans in against lxc's side without realising.

slouches against him, carelessly, decadently, the way he used to do with lwj. he only realises when lxc shifts behind him and awkwardly put his arm half around wwx shoulders to accommodate him. it feels intimate in a way that has less to do with how they've learned to

touch these past few weeks, a grieving widower and brother, and more to do with the kind of relationship where you end up in bed together. which they have, and which wwx is only now realising, he wouldn't mind if it happened again.
"xichen-ge?"
"mm?"
he sounds a little tense.

"are you okay? with last night?"
"i... i was afraid that i wouldn't be, but yes. i am." he pauses for a few moments; wwx waits. "i was afraid i'd feel like i'd wronged him. like i'd made you cheat on him."
"but it wasn't like that" wwx says, and lxc shakes his head.

"no" he agrees, "it wasn't like that."
they sit in silence for a while. birds are chirping in the trees, and the laughter-shrieks of children come from a nearby playground. lxc sniffles suddenly, and wwx fishes out his packet of tissues and hands them to him without a word.

"i didn't feel alone" wwx says as lxc dabs at his eyes. "for the first time in so... so fucking long. i know i'm not, obviously, because you're here and i have my siblings back home, and a-yuan, but-"
"it's different" lxc says with a nod. "i know. i felt it too."

and lxc, wwx realises, is alone. he has no partner, no children, and with lwj gone, no sibling. just like lwj, he doesn't seem to have had many close friends. as far as wwx knows, lxc has no one. except wwx.
that thought is terrifying.

wwx is an outrageous person, and always has been. he rarely thinks before he acts or speaks; and lwj spoiled him by almost always granting whatever he wished for, no matter how ridiculous. and lxc is kind, and caring, and alone.

what they shared last night was good, and nice, and being able to sit like this, walk and talk, and just be here for each other, is good. but what if wwx asks for something that lxc cannot bear to refuse him? what if he, in his own loneliness, gives wwx more than he has left?

"what's on your mind?" lxc asks.
"huh? oh, um, nothing, just..."
"you're silent."
"i'm silent all the time!"
it's true. illness and grief brings silence even to chatterboxes.
"not like this. what is it?"

damned lan boys. wwx leans away from lxc and forward, resting his elbow on his knees and his face in his hands.
"argh, it's- look. last night was good, yes?"
"yes?"
"but what if it were to happen again? would it still be good?" he swallows.

"even if we didn't fuck again, would it still be alright for me to come to you at night, sleep in your bed? wouldn't it... mess things up?"
lxc is quiet.
"it *was* good" wwx repeats emphatically. "it wasn't... *love*, but... it was, you know?"

lxc doesn't make a move or a sound.
"i know you're not lan zhan" wwx whispers into his hands. "it can't ever be the same. but i loved him and he loved you, and you loved him, and i love you for... for being his brother and for always being there for him, and for us, and for me.."

he sobs.
"what if i fuck up? what if i hurt you? you're- you're the only one..."
he breaks off as tears flow down his cheeks. moments later, there's the packet of papers tissues pressed against his hand, and an arm around his back; a cheek pressed against his shoulder.

"you wouldn't" lxc says quietly. "i know. it isn't the same. it's love, but it's different. i don't think we'd get confused."
he pauses, and wwx blows his nose. he's tired of crying.
"i meant it" lxc says, "it felt good. if it happened again... i think it still would."

[break]

they hug, right there on the bench, for a good long while. they go back to the flat, they eat. they pick out photos for each other and share little nuggets of memories, and cry and laugh together, just like they have for weeks.

it is just such a relief to have someone else there to share it all with: the feeling of missing part of yourself, the anger at the illness, the joy once shared. although the place lwj had in their lives was different, their loss is the same.

and even after last night, it doesn't get weird, or awkward. not even when lxc stretches and unfolds his legs from where they've been pulled up under him, and announces that he'll be be going to bed.
"you can join me, if you like" he says with a gentle expression.

"if you don't want to sleep alone. you don't have to decide now" he adds, "or tell me either way. it's an open invitation. good night."
wwx doesn't decide. not even when, hours later, he opens the door to lxc's bedroom and sneaks inside, does he feel like he has decided at all.

he slides under the cover, careful not to jostle lxc, but the moment he lies down, lxc still turns on his side and curls up around him, putting one arm around wwx's waist and holding him close. that's not a decision, either - he's still clearly asleep, but... it's what they need.

their routine doesn't change very much, at first. the days continue on as they have before, one blending seamlessly into the next with never-ending walks and never-ending talks. the only real change is that wwx moves his things into what used to be lxc's room, and sleeps there.

after maybe ten days of this, they have sex again. wwx doesn't know how he knows that that's what lxc needs - he doesn't say, doesn't press. if anything, he withdraws inside himself, and wwx cannot bear it. when he comes to bed, lxc is still awake, back turned to the door.

wwx lies down behind him and wraps his arm around lxc's midsection, presses his lips against his shoulders. lxc shivers.
"can i make you feel better?" wwx asks quietly. "do you want me to try?"
lxc clears his throat, but his answer still comes out a choked "yes."

it is still new, and wwx doesn't really know what he's doing, but kisses are usually a good way to start. he kisses lxc's neck and shoulders first, slips his hand inside the shirt to stroke over lxc's stomach and up to his nipples.

lxc gasps a little, and another shiver runs through his body. it's not long before he turns over onto his back, allowing wwx to kiss his lips, his jaw, his nose - covering him with kisses before he lets his hand slide lower and into lxc's pajama trousers. it's very warm.

"is this good?" wwx asks, cupping the mound lightly and carding his fingers slowly through the hair there.
"yes" lxc breathes and pulls wwx closer by his hair. "yes, it's good."
"you want to come?"
"please..."
wwx kisses his neck again, slow and hard.

"mm... i'll need you to tell me, then" he whispers, close to lxc's ear. "need to hear you when you tell me how i can make you feel good."
tentatively, he slips one finger between the labia, and is surprised again by how wet it feels; how easily he can move his fingertips

from one spot to the next. lxc moans as he brushes the clit, tugs at his hair.
"slower" he says, "you need to go slower."
so wwx does. he slides one finger into lxc, then two, then three, and fingerfucks him while kissing him and sucking at his skin.

lxc reaches down as well, and strokes himself until his breath comes in huffs and his whole body is shuddering. then he stops, and returns to kissing wwx and tugging at his hair. this happens again, and when wwx darts his fingers out to caress the labia, lxc almost spasms.

"again" lxc pants, "i'm close, wuxian, i'm so close."
when he comes, minutes later, wwx cannot look away. even in the darkness of the room, with only dim outlines of lxc's body and face, he is entrancing as his body tenses with a deep, long moan, and then relaxes,

slumps back into the mattress and wwx's embrace. he shivers with aftershock when wwx pulls his fingers out, pushing his head back against the pillow with a sigh.
"you're beautiful" wwx says without really deciding to. "you know that, right?"

lxc chuckles.
"not just because you look like my husband" wwx says, "who by the way was, objectively speaking, the world's most beautiful man."
"of course" lxc agrees.
"you're beautiful as yourself."
there's a soft oomph-sound, as though all the air was just punched out of lxc's

lungs. wwx raises one hand to lxc's face and strokes the hair from his eyes.
"you are. inside and out. i'm so lucky to have you, and to have you here with me. if you need anything, if you want *anything* from me, you just have to let me know."

he leans down and kisses lxc's forehead, then his nose, lastly his lips.
"we're holding each other together, remember? you get to need things, too."
lxc doesn't reply to that, but allows himself to be hugged tightly. they fall asleep as a tangle of limbs, closer than ever before.

it is after that night, their second time, that their routine truly changes. not drastically; it isn't that big of a deal, really - they just start having sex. it's not passionate, but it is loving, and caring. it's not like they're falling in love, after all.

they don't kiss on bridges or hold hands as they walk, or gaze longingly into each other's eyes, nothing like that. it's like...like bringing a cup of tea for the other in the evening, or squeezing their hand when they're overwhelmed by emotions in the middle of a crowded street.

it's a way of caring for each other, a way to show each other that they're not alone: a comfort to chase away the loneliness that threatens to creep up at them in the dark of night.

they buy lube, because lxc insists that wwx should get to be fucked as well and lube makes everything feel better for him too anyway, but decide to skip the condoms. it feels redundant, at this point - to pretend to play by the rules after you both know you've broken them.

wwx learns a lot during those nights. he learns that lxc is a generous, gentle lover, almost to the point where he forgoes his own needs and must be cajoled into letting wwx pleasure him. he learns how to go down on a cunt and the deep, salty taste when lxc comes from his tongue

and lips. but more than anything else, perhaps, wwx learns something about himself, something he hadn't known: that he isn't disappointed by how different it is.
it has nothing to do with lxc's build at all; in fact, it doesn't really have anything to do with lxc.

wwx has thousands upon thousands of lwj's kisses and touches imprinted in his body's memory. years and years of marriage, and with the exception of the last few, an almost daily dose of sex. there is not much wwx hasn't tried, and he's tried it all with lwj.

he'd thought that it'd feel strange to have someone else's hands and lips where lwj's once were. lacking, or perhaps even unfulfilling. it doesn't.
lxc, for all his physical likeness to his brother, is wholly his own person. when he eats wwx out or fingerbangs him

until wwx begs for release, there's no room in wwx's mind to compare them. of course he misses the way lwj would fuck his brains out over their couch back home, but not when lxc is sucking him off in this anonymous rental flat, or arches his back up off the mattress as

wwx fucks him into it. there is only the two of them, in those moments.
wwx finally begins to feel like he's healing.

[break]

it's been almost two and half month since they first stepped inside the flat when one morning, lxc tells wwx that he thinks he's ready to go back.
just like most mornings, lxc had already left the bed when wwx woke up, and when wwx comes into the kitchen he's already

at the table with an empty cup of tea and his sketchbook in front of him. he's been doodling, the way he does when he has a lot on his mind, and although he greets wwx with a "good morning", he doesn't look up. wwx makes a fresh cup of tea for him without asking, and

when he brings it to the table, stands next to lxc for a few moments, rubbing his back. the page is crammed full, not with leaves of flowers or other everyday objects, but with numbers. Ones and fours and nines, and all the others, all in different styles.

"designing a new font?" wwx asks lightly.
lxc makes a thin little chuckling sound.
"no. just turning things over."
"okay."
it feels like there's more to it, but wwx settles for putting his arm around lxc's shoulders for a quick side-hug, and then sits down on the other side of

the table with his own cup of coffee. lxc takes the cup wwx brought for him and holds it between his hands as someone seeking warmth, his eyes lowered but not really looking at the table but at something much farther away. this isn't worrying in itself, they've spent many

mornings in total silence, lost in their own thoughts, but lxc doesn't look sad. he looks tense.
he looks drawn too, as though he's lost some weight, and even a little pale under the slight tan he's gotten from all their hours spent outdoors.

he'd caught a cold last week and spent a couple of days in bed, dozing, and perhaps this is only lingering effects - but it also looks as though lxc is maybe stressing himself up over something, and if that's so, he hasn't been telling wwx what it is.

"xichen-ge?" he prompts, nudging lxc's foot with his own. "something i should know?"
lxc looks up at him briefly, then down at his cup again. he sighs, the sound so soft it is almost inaudible in the quiet room.
"i think... i should go back home" he says quietly.

"oh... okay."
"i know we talked about three months to start with and then see, but... i think i'm done, here. for now, at least."
he looks up at wwx and his gaze is so full of emotions that wwx can't even begin to tell them apart.
"you're ready to go home?" wwx repeats.

lxc almost shakes his head, but stops himself.
"please don't get me wrong" he says. "i've treasured these months here with you and i wouldn't have changed them for anything. i needed this, and i don't regret a moment of it. but i think, for all the good it's done me,

that it won't get better. if i stay away, it won't be a time-out any longer, it'll be..."
he trails off, doesn't say 'running away' or 'escape reality'.
"i think i'm done facing my grief" he concludes quietly. "now i have to face all the rest."

[break]

there's a lump in wwx's throat suddenly, large and impossible to swallow.
"so when are you leaving?"
this time lxc actually does shake his head.
"i haven't decided. i wanted to tell you first, and to know how you feel about it. are you ready to go back? do you want me to stay?"

he hesitates, then continues: "if i leave without you, will you be alright?"
of course, wwx wants to tell him. of course he'll be alright. he's an adult, he's lived side by side with death for years now, he can handle a few weeks on his own.
but he can't make himself say it.

"i don't know" he says with a shrug and a bleak smile. it feels like he says this a lot these days, but he honestly has no idea.
"think on it" lxc says quietly. "we don't have to decide on anything right away."
"okay" wwx nods. "i'll do that."

he does. it's all he can think about throughout the day. is he ready to go home? face the empty house, the everyday memories, his friends and family, his colleagues at work, the... the grave? he doesn't know. he still misses lwj as though he's been torn out of his chest, the loss

of him a searing wound on wwx's soul, but he also knows that it is over. staying away from all of the things waiting for him back home won't change the fact that lwj is dead, and wwx is never going to get him back.

staying, then? he has no ties to this city - that's why they chose to go here - and while the flat is nice and all, it's just a place to stay. he could keep on going out for walks, he supposes, maybe go to the movies or find a drama to watch in the evenings.

or he could go somewhere else. another city; another country. but lxc is right; that would be running away, and when wwx allows himself to think about home, he knows that it's not only lwj he's missing. he misses his siblings and jyl's family, and his friends, and a-yuan.

most of all, a-yuan.
suddenly, he wants to see him. preferably jump-tackle him and koala-hug him until his cheeks burn red with embarrassment and he'll say "*baba*, i'm *twenty-two*", so wwx can pinch his cheeks and tell him that a-yuan will always be his little radish,

no matter how old he gets.
but one of lxc's questions eats at him, and that's why he hesitates. will he be alright by himself? he kind of needs to try, because whenever he returns home, be it tomorrow or in two weeks or two years, he will be. lxc won't be there 24/7 to be his

crutch. wwx needs to learn how to get by on his own again, and does it really matter, then, if he learns it here or back home?
so he tells lxc he'll stay. they still have the flat for another two weeks; maybe he can squeeze another bit of healing out of this city before he

follows? lxc doesn't look convinced, but books a flight for himself two days later. a refundable one, he tells wwx - twice. but wwx already knows he won't ask lxc to stay, not for his sake. two and half months is already a long time to ask anyone to give, and if lxc's ready to

return to his life, then wwx won't stop him. it'll be good to be on his own for a few days. he'll be fine.

the night before lxc's flight, wwx makes lxc come three times. he's gotten quite good at it, if he may say so himself, and so the first two orgasms are completely intentional - fingers first, and when lxc has caught his breath, wwx eats him out and makes him come all over again.

after, when lxc lies back on the bed with his eyes closed and his muscles trembling, trying to catch his breath wwx lets his hands roam over lxc's by now familiar body. traces the muscles of his legs, caresses the inside of his thigh, his mound and stomach.

"so handsome" wwx whispers, and leans down to kiss one of lxc's nipples. "so good to me. so beautiful, xichen."
under his mouth and hand, lxc shakes apart a third time.

wwx doesn't accompany lxc to the airport, instead deciding to see him off when the taxi they've ordered comes to pick him up. it's easier that way, wwx thinks, because having a driver waiting is a much more imminent deadline than a flight number on a screen.

lxc is hesitant to leave, that much is clear, but once his suitcase is in the trunk and wwx's things are still all up in the flat, there's little more to say.
"i'll be off, then" lxc says, the tone of his voice almost a question. "take care."
"you too" wwx nods. "travel safe."

"you'll let me know how you are?" lxc asks, not for the first time. "regardless of how that is."
"...i'll try. now go on, don't you have a plane to catch?"
"i do, but- are you sure you'll be alright?"
he isn't, but he isn't about to say so *now* and he isn't going to lie, either.

so he does the one thing he thinks might confuse a good lan boy for long enough to send him on his way: grabs lxc by his lapels and pulls him in for a kiss.
lxc quite possibly forgets to breathe. they've never kissed outside of bed before, and now they're on the street,

in broad daylight. wwx doesn't give him enough time to recover, however, but gives him a quick, tight hug and whispers "thank you" before giving him a light push towards the car and stepping back.
"tell everyone to prepare a surprise party for me for when I come back!" he says.

and lxc leaves.

and wwx is not alright.

when he steps off the plane at the airport back home, he's lost track of how many anxiety attacks he's had in the last ten days, but at least he's remembered to shower (most days) and eat (although perhaps not three square meals a day). he probably looks a lot healthier than when

he left though; he's been able to put back on a bit of the weight he lost during lwj's last few months, and his skin is tanned. not that that stops jyl from positively tackling him in the arrivals' hall, hugging him tightly while telling him just how worried she's been

and how happy she is that he's back. jc is there as well, pretending grumpiness as he gives wwx a long, hard hug and tells him "who orders a surprise party for himself and shows up on a fucking wednesday, huh? how are you still this much of an idiot?"

"everyone's coming on friday" his sister adds, smiling as she wipes her eyes. the grey in her hair suits her so well; wwx can't remember having ever told her that. "a-yuan too."
wwx's heart aches. two days. only two days. two whole days.

"but you're staying with me until then" jyl continues, putting her hand on his arm as they walk towards the exit; jc pulling the suitcase. "and i'll not listen to protests. my didi has been away for three months and he's going to let me feed him and hug him until i'm satisfied

that he's okay. he owes me that. is that clear?"
"yes jiejie" wwx replies dutifully, quietly relieved not to have to return to his own home just yet. the thought of that house, once so full of life and warmth but now empty, is honestly terrifying. for the sake of another few

hours' respite, he will happily surrender himself to his sister's care. in this moment, with them, nothing has changed, and wwx even smiles to himself as jc regales them with tales of his newfound passion in life - golf. it is good to be home.

they spend all of thursday buying groceries for wwx to bring home with him, and then cleaning the house. jyl has looked after it, but it feels close and there is a thin layer of dust clinging to most surfaces. it feels good to clean the windows and air out the rooms and bedding -

even though the sight of the empty bed is enough to make wwx slump against a wall and bawl his eyes out. it's not just lwj that's missing - wwx even misses the stupid medical equipment. it took up so much space, all the apparatus that helped giving lwj fluids and painkillers,

that they had to move the bed off-center, and now it isn't there and the bedroom looks so weird without it. he'd gotten so used to it that he's forgotten what it was like before.
he spends the second night at jyl's as well, and almost all of friday curled up on her couch watching

morning talk shows, trying not to think about the party. it feels a bit stupid, now, to have assumed that people would want to welcome him home, and part of him dreads seeing everyone again. he doesn't know what they'll expect from him, or what they think about his having

been away. they'll probably ask questions, about how he's doing and how he's feeling and what he'll do now - none of which he knows yet - and probably also about the trip. they'll wonder what he's been up to all this time, and he can't tell them that.

"i cried, i slept, i fucked my husband's brother, and then i cried some more" does not a charming travelling anecdote make, it's as simple as that.
and wwx hasn't heard a lot from lxx in the almost two weeks since he left. a couple of texts to let wwx know he'd

gotten onboard his plane and then arrived home safely, and then a couple more, containing polite inquiries into wwx was doing. that's it.

that's all.
maybe it shouldn't feel so weird that it isn't more, but after so many months of shared caretaking, and planning the funeral, and even going away together with no one to depend on but each other for comfort and support - it feels like they should have more to say.

in the evening, jc comes to collect wwx and drives him to his house, where the lights are all on and almost everyone he loves and cares for is there. jyl's family, of course, and huaisang and mianmian, and a few colleagues from work and his therapist, and even two of the nurses

who helped care for lwj and for whom wwx holds oceans of admiration and gratitude. he cries as they hug him, and then a-yuan shows up, late and apologetic, and wwx pulls him in for the longest hug and cries some more. a-yuan doesn't protest or even tries to pull away;

and to be fair, he never has. wwx and lwj raised him well.
the only person who isn't there, and whose absence is all the more glaringly obvious for all the other people who are, is lxc.
>i'm missing a good lan boy at my surprise party, wwx texts a few hours into the night,

when he's had a couple of glasses of wine for the first time in months and is, for the moment at least, both not crying and left alone for long enough to get his phone out.
>well, two, but i know why one of them is standing me up, he adds before he can think better of it.

or, rather, think, full stop.
he doesn't expect an answer right away; it's pretty late, after all, but there's a soft chime almost instantly.
<i apologise, the text reads.
<i have been unwell the last few days. it's nothing serious, but i felt unequal to tonight's occasion.

<i hope you have a lovely party. welcome home

wwx just stares at the messages for moment. he can hear the words spoken in lxc's voice; imagines he knows exactly how they would sound and which tones he'd use. when did that happen?

>i'm sorry about the bad joke, he texts back.
>i've missed you.
>can we meet up, for a coffee maybe? next week?

this time, it takes almost a full minute for the reply to come.

<yes, i think that'd be good. i'll call you sunday. good night, wuxian

>good night, xichen-ge

wwx pockets his phone and tells himself not to think about it. then he empties his glass and goes to join his family and friends, his best supporters in the whole world, and although he really is missing two good lan boys there, he doesn't feel quite so alone tonight.

[break]

huaisang and mianmian stay the night; huaisang because he's "waaaay too drunk to be trusted to get myself home in one piece, xian-gege!!!" and mianmian because "no one should have to endure hungover huaisang on their own". a-yuan stays too, of course, in his old room, as he

always does whenever he's home from uni, and although it takes a long while before wwx finally falls asleep, he eventually does - clutching one of lwj's old cardigans and heart brimming with equal parts sadness and gratitude.

the next day, a-yuan and mianmian make brunch for the four of them, and after mianmian and huaisang leave, wwx and a-yuan spend most of the afternoon out in the garden, talking as they weed the flowerbeds and rake the leaves and prepare the garden for its winter rest.

wwx has been feeling a bit guilty about leaving, like he's neglected a-yuan access to his only remaining parent by going away. of course he's kept in touch, by texts and video calls, and religiously stalking his son on the social media he's allowed to know about, but he hasn't...

...been there, you know? but as the day passes, his guilt eases a little.
one of the strange things about terminal illness, is how much you mourn even before death inevitably comes. you lose so much of what was once your normal life long before, that once death finally comes,

it can feel more like a relief than anything else. like finally being able to let out the breath you've been holding for months or years on end. wwx has no doubt that a-yuan still mourns his father, that he'll miss him; that there will be times in his life when he'll

cry because lwj isn't there to see him or comfort him or give him advice, but... a-yuan lost his father in a different way than wwx lost his husband. the 18 months wwx spent almost constantly by lwj's side, nursing and caring for him, reading or talking or just napping together,

were 18 months when a-yuan was at university, studying and meeting friends and taking on his first part-time jobs. lwj and wwx's roles in his life had already been changing for years, as happens when children grow up, and although he came home to visit on weekends and holidays,

and would give them video calls or send photos of his everyday life to them, it wasn't primarily the illness that lost a-yuan the father of his childhood, but his own growing up. what he lost, instead, was the father of his future; a man and a relationship he couldn't possibly

know what they would be like.
in a way, wwx is glad it turned out this way. of course a-yuan will still be sad, possibly for some time yet, but he will be okay, and wwx will do everything he can to make up for lwj's absence.
it is a good day.

sunday afternoon comes and wwx drives a-yuan to his bus; hugs him again, long and hard, and tells him to be good and make sure that he gets enough sleep, and be careful about which rules he lets his friends make him break. a-yuan laughs and promises, and then he's off.

wwx draws a shaky breath, wipes at his eyes and goes back to his car. he almost calls lxc, right then and there, but hesitates to press call. lxc said he'd call. that he hasn't already doesn't mean he won't.
at last he tosses the phone on the passenger seat, and drives home.

[friendly reminder that this fic contains pregnancy, specifically pregnancy in a male, intersex character. if you're not a fan of that, this might be a good point to stop reading]

lxc does call later that afternoon, just as wwx is beginning to feel anxious in the empty house. it's a short call, beginning with lxc apologising once again for not joining the party and then asking wwx when it might be convenient for him to meet up.

"i... tomorrow?" wwx flounders. he has exactly one thing planned for the coming week, and it's to go see his boss to talk about when he might be ready to return to work.
"i have meetings until four, but if you want to come over after, then-"
"yes!" wwx interrupts him, nodding

even though lxc can't see it, "tomorrow afternoon. i'll bring something sweet!"
"alright" lxc says, and wwx can hear the smile in his voice, even though it sounds thin.
"are you okay, xichen-ge?" he asks, before lxc can end the call on him. "you sound..."

tired? that isn't exactly right. worn out, maybe.
"i've had a lot to deal with since I came back" lxc says, voice a little softer now. "i'll tell you more about it tomorrow."
they hang up, and later that night, wwx falls asleep with a sense of reassurance. he's had his time out:

starting tomorrow, he'll take the first steps towards a new normal. he'll make plans to return to work, and then he'll see lxc, and it will be the first day of the rest of his life.
it will be a good one.

the meeting goes well enough. they agree to start slow, with wwx coming back gradually and just meet colleagues and read up on what he's missed since he left, and then, if all goes well, start teaching a few classes in a few weeks' time. it feels managable, and he looks forward

to regaining that sense of belonging in a place and with people other than his family. being anchored, somehow.
after the meeting he mostly drifts around, browsing shops, as he waits for the afternoon to become late enough that he can head over to lxc's place.

he buys macarons for them on the way, and a tea blend for lxc, and heads over to the flat.
it's been a long time since he was last there. for the past two years, except all that time abroad, lxc was always over at the house, because that's where lwj was. the building looks

the same, however, as does the elevator and the door to the flat. he rings the bell, and shuffles where he stands as he waits for the door to open.
when it does, the smile that starts to bloom on wwx face is turned almost instantly into dismay.

lxc looks distinctly unwell - more so than he did before he went home. he's still tanned and he's obviously had a haircut since he came home (his hair had grown long while they were away, this looks better on him), but looking at him, wwx is sure that he has lost both

sleep and weight since they saw each other last.
"hello, wuxian" lxc says as he steps aside to let him in, and there's a soft, sad smile playing on his lips, as though he knows just how unlike himself he looks.
"xichen-ge, what's happened?" wwx asks, stepping inside the flat and

into lxc's space, grabbing him by the chin to inspect him closer. "have you been ill? are you eating properly?"
"not exactly ill, no" lxc says, and moves wwx's hand away from his face. "and you're one to speak. are *you* eating properly?"
wwx grumbles, and shows the paper bags of

macarons and tea at lxc, and proceeds to take his shoes and jacket off. that's a very unfair question to ask, that is!
lxc snorts softly, as though he's been proven right (wwx can't really prove him wrong, and he tries not to lie to good lan boys - they don't take well to it)

and walks ahead towards the kitchen and living space. it looks pretty much as wwx recalls it, except maybe that the curtains are new. there's a closed laptop on the kitchen table, next to a pile of sketchbooks and pens, so wwx assumes that lxc has been working from home today.

he doesn't sit down by the table, however, opting instead for one of the two bar stools by the breakfast bar, from where he can watch as lxc prepares tea and puts the macarons on a small plate.
he looks mostly the same, except the dark smudges under his eyes and the gauntness of

his face, and he moves gracefully around the kitchen as though it doesn't bother him to be watched. on the other hand, he's probably grown used to that by now - wwx used to watch him cook when they were abroad. after a few minutes, he puts the plate of macarons and

two cups of steaming tea down on the breakfast bar, and takes the empty stool next to wwx.
"so" he says pushing the plate in wwx's direction, "how was the party?"
wwx tells him, of course: of the food everyone had brought, and about how wen ning (through no fault of his own) won

the late night Ticket to ride-game by a landslide, and how jin ling and a-yuan spent most of the evening looking through youtube clips together.
"i missed you there" wwx finishes off, because he will not let himself be deterred from making lxc come clean about whatever has been

wrong with him. he will not! "what's been going on?"
lxc, who has been holding on to his tea cup but without drinking from it, swallows and brings his hands together, wringing them ever so slightly against each other.
"i don't know how to begin" he says quietly. "it's...

...complicated."
wwx grimaces before he can stop himself.
"what is?" he demands. "just tell me. you can tell me anything, okay?"
lxc sideeyes him for several moments that seem to stretch into infinity, after which he raises his hands and covers his face with them.

wwx has no idea what's going on. is he crying? exasperated with wwx? trying to hide?
wwx has never seen him act like this before, in over twenty years of knowing each other. he's just about to reach over and maybe... pat lxc's shoulder or something, when lxc sighs and

leans his head forward slightly, so that while his elbows are still resting on the table, his whole head is now resting in his hands, fingers in his hair. wwx is struck by how helpless he looks, how completely at a loss for viable options he looks, and he opens his mouth to say

something, anything, when lxc says in a thin, barely there voice:
"i'm so sorry."
wwx does not know what he expected, but it is not an apology.
"what? why?" he says. "you're making me worry, what's wrong?"
"i haven't been ill" lxc says, looking up from his hands with what

seems to be a tremendous effort of will. there is a determined set to his jaw, but it is belied by the fear in his eyes, the hint of tears in his eyelashes, the tremble in his voice as he all but whispers: "i'm not ill. but i'm pregnant."

[break]

with those last three words, it is as though the floodgates have been opened and the words come pouring out.
"i'm pregnant" lxc repeats, sounding as though he doesn't quite believe it himself. "it wasn't supposed to happen, i swear that i wasn't lying to you when

i said that i'm too old. i haven't had a period in almost a year, i'm supposed to *menopausal* for heaven's sake!"
there's a note of panic in his voice; his hands are trembling.
wwx, on the other hand, feels as though the world has shrunk around them, and as though every sound,

every impression, reaches him as though through a wall of cotton, soft and muffled.
"you're pregnant" he echoes.
"yes" lxc whispers, looking as if he might begin to cry at any moment. "i went to see my doctor as soon as i got back, there's... there's no doubt about it."

lxc's shoulders slump and he glances away and adds: "i thought i was just imagining it, at first. did you know that some of the first symptoms, apart from morning sickness, are fatigue and tender breasts? i thought it was just the- the mourning, and your feasting on

my nipples every other night."
wwx feel himself blush faintly at the mention, even if he doesn't feel particularly embarrassed by it. lxc has lovely nipples, and he'd obviously enjoyed it whenever wwx sucked or nibbled at them, or pinched them between his fingers.

more and more so, as the weeks went by.
"but then i started really feeling sick" lxc continues, still not looking at wwx, "and swollen, and it didn't pass, and i couldn't tell you, so i had to go home and-"
"why?" wwx asks, mouth desert-dry, "why couldn't you tell me?"

"because- because if i was wrong, i'd have worried you for nothing and you didn't need that, and... and..." he swallows. "maybe you wouldn't trust me, after that."
"so you didn't tell me about your symptoms, or even that you felt ill, for weeks? you just, what, decided to keep

quiet and figure it out on your own?" wwx demands, his own voice high and shrill now. "why would you do that? what if it'd been something serious?" tears well up in his eyes, unbidden. "why won't anyone trust me with things like this?"
he wipes at his eyes, angrily. he's making

it about himself, he knows he is and he doesn't mean to, it's just- it just *hurts* that once again, someone has decided not to tell him something important because for some reason, they think it will be more troubling for him to know? once again,

someone has been unwell for months, without telling him. *seeking medical treatment*, without telling him. how is he supposed to feel about that?
lxc is finally looking at him again, regret and sadness in his eyes.
"wangji did that?" he asks quietly.
"for four months."

wwx wipes his eyes and cheeks again. "he didn't tell me he was feeling ill for four months."
"i'm sorry" lxc says softly. "i didn't mean to hurt you, but i needed... i needed to find out for myself, first."
"couldn't you just have found a doctor there, then?" wwx asks. "or bought

a pregnancy test or something?"
lxc exhales sharply.
"i'm intersex, wuxian" he says, a note of something wwx can't place audible in his voice. "when i was born, i was assigned female because my parents thought it'd be easier for me, but when as i grew up, they

allowed me to choose for myself how i wanted others to address me, and my uncle helped me change my legal gender after they died. i've had access to doctors who are specialists in giving medical care to people like me, and a doctor who knows me and my medical history, and who

treats me as a person, rather than something exotic or distasteful. do you know how lucky i've been in that regard? people like me rarely get to grow up healthy, because their parents and doctors would rather not have to deal with the issue of a child whose body doesn't confirm

to the binary."
lxc stops to draw breath, visibly forcing himself to calm down.
"i don't feel safe going to just any doctor" he continues softly. "i don't dare to trust that i'll be met with understanding or even basic respect, or that even if they do give me medical advice,

that it'd be with my best interest at heart. i had to go home."
wwx swallows. he should've known, should have *realised*. he knows discrimination, after all: he knows what it's like to feel people's glances on you like sandpaper against the skin, or the distance they put between

themselves and you, just because of the colour of your skin or the slant of your eyes, or the matching wedding bands on you and your husband's hands.
"i'm sorry" he says quietly, "and i'm sorry you felt like you had to go through that alone."

he sniffs and shakes his head, and wipes the last of the tears from his eyes.
"how long?" he asks. "which week are you?"
"eleven or twelve. we haven't been able to pinpoint."
through some wonder, wwx's head remembers how to math.
"and minus two weeks for conception, that's..."

"not the first time" lxc says with a small, fragile smile. of course he's counted, too. "but sometime in the beginning, yes."
eleven weeks. or twelve. that's... that's a pretty good chunk of a pregnancy.
"so..." wwx says. "so what do you want to do?"

[break]

[CW: discussion of abortion]

lxc shakes his head and returns his hands to cup his mug of tea again.
"i don't know" he says quietly. "my rationale tells me i should have an abortion. i'm 46, which is old to become a parent for the first time, even if i wasn't carrying the child

myself. but i am carrying it, and there are just... so many risks to the baby, before it's even born, and that's not taking into account that i don't really know if my body will even have a typical pregnancy."
there's a small pause as lxc raises his cup for a sip

of tea. wwx can tell that he's not finished yet, and is proven right when lxc soon picks up where he left off.
"there's also the fact that i'm single, and i have few friends to depend on for support, both practically and emotionally. i am also probably not in the best mental

place right now to make any kind of life-altering decisions, and-"
lxc swallows.
"this will sound so stupid."
"i doubt that" wwx says. "everything you've said so far makes sense, why should this be any different?"
"because..." lxc draws a steadying breath, "because i can't help

but worry that i'll... that i'll not be able to deal well with being a pregnant man. not the pregnancy itself, but... being perceived by others."
there is a depth of pain and hurt in lxc's voice that wwx cannot even begin to survey. a raw vulnerability that somehow, he's

been deemed worthy to see, and trusted not to take advantage of.
"that's what your rationale tells you?" wwx asks when lxc has been silent a while. lxc nods, tight-lipped, so wwx asks: "what's holding you back?"
lxc closes his eyes briefly, as though trying to keep himself

from crying.
"that it's a baby" he says, the tremble back in his voice. "i've never really longed for children or a family of my own, but it's there now and doesn't that mean it deserves a chance at life? i'm physically and mentally healthy, i have a job and my own apartment,

and i have my half of wangji's and my inheritance..."
wwx nods; although he doesn't know how much the two lan brothers originally inherited after their parents died, he knows how much lwj's share of it grew during the twenty years of their marriage. lxc isn't a big spender;

if he's invested his money even remotely close to the way lwj did, he probably doesn't have to worry too much about his retirement. or mortgage.
"...and i just keep coming back to the thought that maybe a child could bring a sense of... meaning."

lxc rubs the rim of the mug with one thumb. "i haven't felt that in a while."
although lxc's words resonate so much within wwx that he feels he might shatter with the strength of it, it still hurts to hear lxc say it. wwx hasn't dared to tell anyone, not even his therapist -

although to be fair, he hasn't had the opportunity to, yet. and while a part of him thinks he should tell lxc of the dangers of making one person the purpose of your existence, another part of him understands that that's probably not how it was meant. he doesn't have time to

examine this thought any further, however, before lxc turns to look at him with a sad, tired smile and asks:
"what do you want?"
wwx's mind goes absolutely blank.
"me?"
"yes."
"what i want?"
"yes. you're the father, after all. or, the other father."

and it is only now, in this very moment, that it truly hits wwx: lxc is pregnant with *his* child. he, wwx, who would joke with lwj about how his husband should really fuck a baby into him so he could finally live out the 50's housewife life of his dreams, has gone and

knocked someone up. and not just anyone, either, but lan xichen. his husband's brother. pregnant. with *his* child.
oh fuck.
"i don't know" he says automatically, suddenly dizzy from the realisation. "i've no idea."
what does one want in a situation like this? what does one say?

"ultimately, it's up to you."
he regrets it the moment the words leave his lips.
"well yes, you're right, it is" lxc says, much less acerbically than wwx would've deserved, "but while i'm grateful that it is, whatever i decide will affect you as well. and our relationship, too."

he's not quite sure how, but wwx knows just from the tone of lxc's voice that he is back to his list of pros and cons. that this is a point he didn't make, earlier.
"if i had decided to keep the baby without telling you, i wouldn't have been able to see you again. you'd realise

that it was yours the moment you figured out it's date of birth. if i'd decided to get rid of it without telling you, it would mean keeping a great truth from you, and the secrecy would most likely become too much for me. we'd drift apart, or i'd tell you, and i don't know that

our relationship could bear it. but since i have told you... what if i keep the child? will you be an involved parent, or will you never want anything to do with the child? even if i don't make any claims on you, will i grow to resent you or hate you? or, if i do decide to

have an abortion... will you feel like i have robbed you of something? will you despise me?"
the last question comes out as nothing more than whisper; a frightened, fragile thing.
"you said it yourself" lxc continues, "you're the only link to my brother that i have left. if i

lose you, i'll lose the only other people who knew wangji as i knew him. i couldn't bear that. so even if the choice is up to me, i can't make it without knowing how you feel about it, what you want."
although wwx hears every word and understands everything lxc is saying,

he cannot come up with a single useful thought. how he feels? overwhelmed! confused! embarrassed out of his mind, too, and so very, very unequal to all of this.
"i don't know" he manages to say at last. "i'll need to think on it, i need... i need some time."

lxc nods, but it is a slow and tired gesture, the nod of someone who has given up - or is giving in.
"how..." wwx must wet his lips before he can ask properly, "how much time can you give me?"
"there's still time for me to get an abortion, at least one and a half month, but..."

he hesitates for a moment before continuing, "the longer i wait, the larger the procedure will be. and i'm already beginning to show. if i want to avoid people finding out, i'll need to make a decision within a week, maybe two."
wwx cannot bring himself not to look, even though

he realises how rude and intrusive it is to do so. but it is as if his eyes are a compass needle, and lxc stomach is true north, and the words "beginning to show" are the magnetism that draws one inexorably to the other.
lxc is not showing, by the way. he's wearing

perfectly ordinary trousers and a sweater made out of some fine, expensive, and probably super-soft wool, and he looks just like he always does - except for the worn tiredness, of course.
lxc notices, of course, how could he not, and with a soft exhale, extends his hand.

"give me your hand" he says, in a way that makes it neither an offer nor a demand, but a fact. wwx can do nothing but put his hand in lxc's and follow as it is guided down to lxc's front. for a moment, it's eerily reminiscent of the first time they had sex, but this time,

lxc brings his hand underneath the (confirmed super-soft) sweater, where he presses it against his stomach.
wwx knows this stomach pretty well by now. lxc has kept himself fit, and while his yoga and swimming hasn't given him a defined six-pack, his stomach is subtly

muscular and very nice to trail kisses over. two weeks ago, wwx had his hand over this precise place - the area where there should happy trail but where on lxc there's only velvet soft skin - and it was smooth and flat. now there's a distinct roundness under his hand, an outward

curve pushin at the waistband of lxc's trousers. a presence, undeniable and there.
"oh shit" wwx breathes, absent-mindedly cupping the little bump, even when lxc lets go of his hand.
"yes" lxc says with a small sigh. "i think that sums it up rather nicely."

[break]

wwx doesn't stay long after that. with the pregnancy revealed and lxc having laid out the most important strokes of how he's thinking about the choice he has to make, there really isn't a lot to say. wwx has some thinking of his own to do, and he can't do it here.

right before he leaves, wwx takes lxc's hand and gives it a squeeze.
"thank you for telling me" he says, and means it. "i still wish you'd told me sooner, but i'm glad you've told me now."
lxc nods, and returns the squeeze. he doesn't close the door to his flat until wwx

is already by the stairs and about to walk down. wwx catches a glimpse of him just before the door closes and is struck by how lonely he looks. lonely, and alone.
he thinks he intends to go back to his own home, but somehow, his feet don't lead him there. instead he wanders,

for hours, up and down half-familiar streets as shops close and restaurants and bars open. it is dark already, late october - only a week until his own birthday, he realises with a jolt - and there's a sense of unreality, walking this nighttime landscape.

rather a fitting setting given his current state of mind.
lxc is pregnant. with wwx's child. pregnant and alone and unsure whether he wants or even can keep the baby. and wwx? what does he want?
he loves kids, always wanted them. adopting a-yuan is the best decision he's ever

made, and he can't imagine not being there for *any* child that might need him, much less his own. it'd probably hurt him more if lxc decided to keep the child but not let him be involved. but does he want this child?
a-yuan has only just grown up; this was supposed to be the

time when wwx and lwj would get back to being on their own. go travelling, maybe spend more time on their hobbies, have lots of sex whenever and wherever they wanted. even if lwj isn't around to do any of those things, wwx could still do them. all his friends are the same age

and most of them don't have kids at all, so he'll still have company to do all of those things - except maybe the sex.
if there's a child, he can't be both a present, involved parent *and* live a wild and carefree single life. it doesn't work that way.

so is he ready to go back to family life? go back twenty years in time, only this time with another lan brother, and raise another baby? assuming lxc even wants him to be that involved - what if he doesn't? what if wwx is given... visiting hours, and that's it? will he be content

with watching his kid from afar, on mandated occasions?
no.
that, he cannot imagine.
havig reached this conclusion,wwx breaks himself away from his thoughts and raises his gaze to look around, to try to find his bearings and figure out where the hell he is and how to get back

home. it takes him several seconds to orient himself, and when he does, his knees almost buckle. there's lxc's building, right across the street. in his windows, the lights are still on.
quite without consciously deciding to, wwx begins to run.

[break]

he takes the stairs two step at a time, because he's never has the patience to wait for an elevator in his life, and reaches the right floor out of breath and his muscles burning from the strain. it takes almost a full minute, and wwx ringing the doorbell once more, before the

door finally opens.
"wuxian?"
lxc, changed into one of his pajamas and wrapped in nightrobe, stares at him with wide eyes and steps back reflexively when wwx enters.
"i thought about it" wwx says before the door has even fully closed behind him.
"okay..." lxc says slowly,

visibly confused and with a hint of trepidation in his voice, his eyes, "but it's only been- three hours, you didn't have to come back and tell me tonight-"
"i didn't go home, i've been out, thinking, and now i'm done."
lxc makes a small 'uh-huh?' sound and crosses his arms

tighter over his chest, as though huddling together, protecting himself.
"if you want to have an abortion, i'm okay with that. i understand why you would and i support you. i'll go there with you, if you want. i won't, wouldn't ever, hold that against you."
he sees lxc swallow,

and hurries to continue:
"but if you want to keep the baby, then i'm okay with that too. i want to- you asked if i'd be involved and honestly, i'm more worried that you'd keep me away, or you'll grow too annoyed with me, because i'd want to be there. for the kid, but...

also for you. i don't know what that might look like or how it would work practically, but you wouldn't have to go through it alone. not the pregnancy or the parenting. i'd be there. i promise."
there's an infinitely soft drawing of breath, and lxc's crossed arms tighten further.

"you wouldn't be alone" wwx repeats. "you'd have me, and shijie - she makes a great auntie, you know - and jiang cheng, and mianmian and wen ning and wen qing would help out, too, and huaisang would pretend he does but really only make more work for everyone."

it is wwx's turn to swallow; he feels like he's in a rush, like he needs to say all of this now or maybe he'll forget or it'll never be said.
"whatever you want to do, whatever you decide, you're not alone in it. i'll be right here, okay? xichen-ge?"

tears are spilling down lxc's cheeks in wide, glistening tracks. he looks at wwx as though he cannot make himself look away, or even wipe his eyes, only helplessly stand there, frozen in place as the tears fall without him making a single noise.
it is heartwrenching to see.

again he sees lwj in lxc's face. the soundless tears, the quiet shaking when emotions overtook him and he could not bear to allow himself to let them out.
"oh, sweetie" he says, unthinkingly, "can i hug you? just hold you a little, yeah? come here."

he steps in close and gingerly puts his arms around lxc's back, only turning it into a proper hug when lxc doesn't tense up or tries to move away. his whole body is trembling and as wwx begins to gently stroke his back, it only gets worse.
"there" he whispers, "it's okay,

you can let it out. i won't run, i won't leave, you can just cry, okay?"
lxc's breath hitches, as though he is trying to stop now that wwx can't see his face, but it's clearly not working. instead he bends down and hides his face against wwx's and grabs at his jacket as though

seeking purchase, as his breathing becomes more and more hitched.
"it's okay", wwx says again, moving his hand from lxc's back to his hair. "sweetie, it's okay. you're in pain, it's okay to let me know."

it starts out like nothing more than a whimper; a low, keening noise that stretches out and grows until it becomes a wail, desperate and hacking and pit-deep. wwx closes his eyes and tightens his hug and simply listens, as lxc cries onto his shoulder.

"good" he says at some point, "just let me hear it, i can take it."
it takes a long, long time before the wail simmers down to a whimper again. by that time, lxc is hugging wwx desperately back but he is still trembling all over and doesn't seem to be able to stop crying, so wwx

strokes his hair and tells him that he's good, he's safe and that wwx is right there and not leaving, but maybe they should sit down, yes?
he manages to get them to sit down on the floor. lxc somehow ends up sitting more or less in wwx's lap, and clutching at him and still hiding

his face against wwx's neck and shoulder as he shakes. wwx tries his best to hold him, to soothe him, but this, too, takes time.
"there, there" he whispers, "you'll be okay. i'm not going anywhere sweetie, i'm right here. you're not alone."
this just sets off a new wail, although

a not quite as loud one, and wwx finally thinks he understands what set this off.
"oh..." he breathes, hugging lxc a little closer, "is that it? you've felt alone?"
there's no word of confirmation, no nod, but the way the crying turns just a notch more desperate makes him sure

he's on the right track.
"i'm sorry" wwx whispers, "i'm sorry you've felt that way. but you're not, i promise you that you're not. you're not alone. you hear me? you're not alone."
for the longest time they sit there on the hallway floor, as lxc cries and wwx tells him in every

way that he can that he's not alone, until the only noises coming from lxc are sniffles, stray whimpers and trembling breaths. wwx has no idea what time it is by now, but his whole body is stiff and he can tell that lxc is exhausted from his crying. they can't sit here all night.

"xichen-ge?" he says softly. no reaction. "we should get you to bed, okay? a-huan?"
there's the world's tiniest nod.
"i'll come with, but i can't lift you up and carry you, sweetie, you'll have to walk yourself."
the hand holding on to his hoodie bunches the fabric tightly.

"you need another minute? okay. we're in no rush, i just want you to be comfortable."
it takes another five minutes before they can begin to get slowly to their feet, but the walk to lxc's bedroom is thankfully a short one. wwx managed to toe his shoes off in the hall, but he

still has his jacket on when he helps lxc get into the bed and tucked in. when he straightens, a hand shoots out from under the covers and grabs his wrist - a wordless plea, if ever wwx saw one (and he was married to lwj for two decades).
"i'm not leaving" he whispers.

"i'm just going to fetch you some water, and turn out the lamps, okay? i'll be two minutes."
but the grip doesn't loosen, and lxc's eyes shine with panic and fear.
"okay, 'kay" wwx mumbles under his breath, looking around for something, anything. "what'll we do, what'll we do..."

his eyes catch on a familiar item on the nightstand.
"i'll talk to you, okay? on the phone. i'll just be out in the kitchen, but i'll talk to you all the time and then i'll come right back here. i'm not leaving, just wanting to take care of you."
he leans back down and strokes

lxc's hair from his temple before placing a kiss there.
"some hot water, yes? and i'll talk to you all the time."
slowly, lxc nods and releases his wrist.
it really is a quick business to fetch water, and to turn out the lights still on in the living room and kitchen while

water heats in the microwave. he talks to lxc all the way, all the miniscule details of every step he takes and every motion he makes.
"i won't end the call until i'm back in the bedroom with you" he says, and he doesn't. he takes off his jacket and makes sure that the apartment

door is locked, and then he goes into the bedroom and puts the mug down on the nightstand before hanging up.
lxc has a few sips of water, and at wwx's instruction wipes his eyes and blows his nose with some paper towels before he curls up on his side on the bed.

wwx doesn't even ask if lxc wants him to stay the night, he just takes off his jeans, hoodie and socks and climbs into the bed behind lxc. he isn't used to being the big spoon, but lxc is so little tonight and if wwx can help by holding him, he will.

"i'm here" he whispers again. "you're not alone. even if you fall asleep, i'll stay right here, and i'll still be here tomorrow when you wake up. i've got you."
and although it takes a while, lxc does eventually fall asleep, curled up in wwx's embrace and even holding his hand in

his own. it takes longer for wwx, despite how exhausted he too feels by the whole evening, and the afternoon that came before it. his heart aches for the man sleeping in his arms, for how scared and alone he must have felt for so long now, and how he had cried just like lwj used

to do: the silent tears of someone afraid of being a nuisance, the desperate howls of a pain so deep that it doesn't know where to go, or even if there's anywhere for it to go.
what a weight for a single man to bear.

wwx thinks on all that, and presses himself a little closer around lxc. he falls asleep like that, with one arm still around lxc and holding his hand, and although he has no idea what lxc's decision might be, he falls asleep convinced that he's made the right choice.

[break]

when wwx wakes the next morning, lxc is still in the bed next to him. he must have turned over sometime in the night, because they're face to face now, and it feels strange to see him like this. sleeping, unguarded. judging by the light coming in through the windows, it is

way past the hour when good lan boys usually rise, but lxc is still sleeping, his face relaxed and his breath light and steady. no lines of pain or grief on his face; no gentle whirring and beeping of life support equipment.
wwx blinks, and quietly berates himself for the stray

thought. he knows that he's with lxc, in lxc's flat, so why did his mind suddenly summon the memories of waking up next to lwj, months and months ago, in their bed at home?
*i'm not him* had been one of the first things lxc had told him before they fucked the first time, and wwx

had said that he knew. he does. he isn't confused, he isn't trying to use lxc to stand in for lwj in his life.
...right?
maybe it's just that it's so late in the morning, and lwj never stayed in bed this late unless something was wrong with him. and then something was so wrong,

that he couldn't.
lxc isn't terminally ill, though, isn't dying. he looks pale and drawn, and there's still a darkness under his eyes as though he's gone with too little sleep for much too long, but he's okay. he had a tough day yesterday, it's understandable if he needs to rest.

it's fine, or at least it will be. wwx closes his eyes and forces himself to take deep, steady breaths, and after a while, he feels better. more grounded. enough to open his eyes again and just look at lxc's sleeping face until it shows signs of waking.

lxc's eyelids flutter open slowly, and before his eyes are fully opened, a soft smile breaks out on his lips.
"good morning" he mumbles softly, all the rough edges of the consonants smoothed down by sleep, and burrows his face a little further into the pillow. it is adorable.

"good morning" wwx replies, offering a small smile of his own. "you okay?"
lxc chuckles a little at that.
"you already asked me that" he mumbles, face still mostly mushed into his pillow. "answer's still yes."
"i did?"
"mmm, t-" lxc yawns, "two hours ago, maybe? although i think

you were still mostly sleeping, it sounded more like 'ym k'."
"oh" wwx says, "did something happen?"
"no" lxc replies, shaking his head very slightly. "i just came back to bed."
"ha, yeah, that'd be enough to rouse me. very suspicious behaviour, that."
no wonder he'd woken up

enough to ask, even if he can't recall it now. "why'd you come back?"
"tired" lxc mumbles - it feels surpremly odd to hear him speak in single-word replies, and wwx huffs a laugh.
"oh yeah? why'd you get up then?"
a small noise of discomfort.
"i just had to- nauseous. but i had a

fruit and some more sleep, it's better, now."
"oh" wwx breathes. "well, you want to go back to sleep again? i can shut up."
but lxc shakes his head again with a "no, i should get up" and stretches, slowly and carefully, with another yawn. once he's done that, he opens his eyes

and looks at wwx properly.
"you stayed" he says, but although there's a soft smile on his lips, there's also a sadness in his eyes.
"of course i stayed" wwx says. "how could i've left? you were- you were..."
he doesn't know how to finish that sentence. apparently, neither does

lxc, because they both fall quiet for a long while.
"how did you know?" lxc says eventually, his voice barely above a whisper. "how did you know what to do? what i needed?"
wwx shrugs, or as best as he can while lying on his side in bed.

"i didn't" he says, almost ready to let that be his answer, but something in lxc's gaze makes him sigh and continue, as if in admission.
"i never used to say this, because i honestly never thought so, but you and lan zhan are really alike."
lxc snorts, but it's a little sad.

"so i've been told."
"not just in looks" wwx elaborates, "and it isn't really mannerisms or behaviours, either, but... last night, when you froze up like that, you really reminded me of him."
he pauses, struggles for words, sighs again.
"it didn't happen often" he continues,

"but there'd be times when he'd feel so many emotions and so strongly that they'd overwhelm him. it was just like when he'd lose his speech, only he couldn't stop himself from feeling them and he couldn't express them, either, so... i'd help him."
hold him, kiss him, let him

know that it was okay to let it out, that he didn't have to explain anything or talk at all, he could just make sounds and wwx would still be there to listen, to comfort him, hold him throughout.
"i didn't know" wwx repeats, "but i couldn't not try to help you."

"thank you" lxc says, and his voice is low and quiet. "for doing that, and for staying. that means a lot. that i..." he swallows, smiles, "that i didn't have to ask."
wwx nods. he knows. remembers just how relieved he was at mianmian and huaisang insisting to stay over,

at their presence in rooms just down the hall that first night back in the house. at having a-yuan stay the weekend, as naturally as he had always done before, just there, in his childhood home, as though it was just any other weekend.

knows how good it felt to be allowed to open the door to lxc's bedroom and climb into the bed and have lxc turn to hold him, without having to ask for that comfort first.
"you're welcome" he says, feeling a little dry-mouthed, and then, a moment later: "do you want me stay the

day?"
lxc doesn't answer right away, but shakes his head lightly.
"no, there's no need. i'll be okay. i have to go in to work today." he grimaces a little, before his expression changes into something apologetic. "i never used to feel averse to that before."

[break]

wwx knows the feeling, even if lxc's reasons might not be the same as his once were.
"are you worried someone might find out?"
"not exactly" lxc sighs. "i realise a pregnancy is not the most likely conclusion for anyone to jump to, but most people who know me can see that

i'm not entirely well. some of my colleagues have already expressed concerns about my health and i don't want to lie to them, or even give them evasive answers."
"it creates a distance, doesn't it?" wwx says. "between you and them? when there are things they can't help but ask

about, and you just can't tell them."
"yes" lxc agrees with another small sigh. "it feels like withdrawing, and they withdraw in their turn."
they lie there in silence for a few moments, simply contemplating, when wwx's stomach gives a sudden and fierce growl.

"oh wow..." wwx says, feeling his cheeks heat. "i'm sorry, that's embarrassing."
lxc just chuckles and shakes his head, like a man who has seen it all.
"did you remember to eat anything last night?"
"...no? I was here, and then I was out walking, thinking, and then I came ba-"

lxc gives him a meaninful glance.
"oh" wwx says. lxc, unhelpfully, laughs into his pillow for a solid half minute before he wipes his eyes with his hand.
"okay" he says, a smile still tugging at the corners of his lips. "let's get some breakfast."

[break]

so wwx pulls his clothes back on and they eat breakfast, listening to the news on the radio and the pitter-patter of rain against the windows. they agree to be in touch soon, and wwx reminds lxc at least three times to just call, or text, for any reason, any reason whatsoever.

lxc nods and agrees, over and over, and in his turn reminds wwx to please eat properly, or he'll call jyl. the threat is enough to make wwx gasp at the intended betrayal, but he doesn't leave without first giving lxc a long hug.
"*any* reason" he repeats. lxc laughs and shoos

him out the door.
wwx goes home, where the house is empty of life but full of memories. he goes to work, despite the fact that he isn't supposed to come back until next week, and just sits in the staff room, talking with whoever has a break, just for somewhere to be.

that evening, he exchanges a few texts with lxc, just to make sure he's had an okay day, and then proceeds to have an anxiety attack of his own in his bathroom. he has two more in the next few days, and doesn't tell anyone, not only because he doesn't want to burden them, but

also because he doesn't know what to say. he feels alone in the house, of course he does, and lost and anchorless, adrift, without lwj, but it isn't just grief, and it isn't just the lack of direction, either. part of it, surely, is that he doesn't know what to do about anything.

he can't go back to the way things were, and he can no longer have the future he once envisioned, so what, then, should he do? should he keep the house? should he really be going back to his old job? should he pack his bags and leave, again?
and he can't really think about any

of it, because he needs to wait and see what lxc decides first. everything else hinges on that single decision, and it isn't even wwx's decision to make.
he does fret over it, though, even though he knows he shouldn't, even though he knows it doesn't help with anything.

not so much over a potential abortion, because once it is done, little about his life will have changed, but certainly over the possibility of a child. a new child. a baby.
will it be healthy? will lxc be okay? how will they make it work practically? where will they live?

will they even live together? regardless, if wwx is going to provide for a family, he needs his job.
and how is he going to tell everyone? tell his sister, his brother, his friends - tell a-yuan - that within two months of his husband's death, he fucked and accidentally

knocked up his brother-in-law, and now there's a baby on the way!? tell a-yuan that'll have a baby sibling who is also kind of his cousin?
these are the thoughts that run through his mind, and have him gasping helplessly for air, and he can't tell anyone about it.

not lxc, without risking influencing his choice, and not his sister or his friends, without risking telling them about lxc, and certainly not a-yuan, because it isn't his child's responsibility to comfort him. he could probably tell his therapist, but he can't make himself pick

up the phone to make an appointment. despite her silence, this is something he cannot share with her - not yet. so he doesn't say anything to anyone, but when lxc texts and asks him to come over saturday, it feels like a great weight has been lifted off his shoulders.

lxc might not have reached a final decision yet, he may just need to talk, sort some more things out before he does, but it doesn't matter. it is a point to start swimming against, and with a bearing like saturday to keep to, wwx feels at once a little less adrift.

[break]

saturday arrives at last, and wwx arrives at lxc's apartment with his skin prickling with nerves. he's dressed up, just a little bit, not because he thinks he needs to impress lxc or anything, and not because this is a date, because it isn't, but because... well, it's nice to

make a little effort. it feels like a long time since he did.
lxc is dressed as nicely as always, and although just like his brother, he always looks good, tonight he also looks... better. the smudges under his eyes do not seem quite so dark as they did monday, and his cheeks

have a bit of colour. they greet each other in the hall, a little awkwardly at first and then with a hug, and then they eat. by unspoken agreement, they keep the conversation clear of what they both know they will need to talk about, and speak of other things instead.

like wwx's work in the garden, putting it to rest for winter, or lxc's colleague's latest attempt to recruit their whole office to run a marathon in spring - neither lxc nor wwx mention the fact that, come april, lxc may well be heavily pregnant and in no fit condition to run at

all. it's a good meal, both the food and the company, but it's still a relief when the table is cleared and they sit down in lxc's couch with tea and a small dish of sunflower and pumpkin seeds to nibble on, because finally they'll talk.

wwx pulls his legs up under him, but not before he's nudged lxc's thigh with his toe.
"so how've you been?" he asks, tilting his head and cupping his mug with both hands.
"thinking" lxc replies with a faint smile. "almost constantly, until i couldn't think a single thought."

wwx nods, he's been there.
"anything i can answer for you, to make thinking easier?"
lxc raises his hand slightly, as though about to gesture with it, but drops it almost immediately and instead leans his head back against the couch with a small sigh.

"what would we be, wuxian?"
"...i'm sorry?"
"you said... you said you'd want to be involved. that you'd want to be there. that i wouldn't have to do it-"
"not alone" wwx fills in softly, when lxc seems to struggle with the word. "i meant it. all of it."

"what would we be, then?" lxc looks down into his tea. "up until now, i've only ever known you in relation to wangji, as his boyfriend, his husband. please don't get me wrong, i do consider you a close friend and confidante, but our relationship has always stemmed from yours."

there is nothing for wwx to misunderstand about that, because it has been the same way for him as well. lxc has been a part of his life for almost as long as lwj has, simply because he's lwj's brother. he's always been.
"but if i keep the child" lxc continues, "and you'll be

there, for it and for me... what will we be to each other, then?"

[break]

unable to answer right away, wwx simply studies lxc for a little while. even before this, he wasn't only "brother-in-law": he was also "friend", and "person to confide worries about lwj with", and not least of all, this past year, "co-caretaker".

someone to lean on, depend on, trust with the life and comfort of the man who was the love of wwx's life.
"we'll be family" he says.
lxc lets out a quiet laugh.
"yes" he says, "i suppose we will be."
but despite his laugh, wwx isn't sure lxc understands. there's a sadness

lingering in his voice, his eyes.
"xichen-ge..." wwx says, putting just a hint of a whine in his voice, "you're more to me than lan zhan's brother. you know that, right? you're a-yuan's uncle who'd babysit on the shortest notice, you're my co-conspirator for planning the best

birthday parties, and you-" his voice breaks, "you helped me care for lan zhan. for months and months, you were there, for me and for him." he pauses, needing to draw a steadying breath before he continues: "when i say we'll be family, i don't just mean that we already are by

mine and lan zhan's marriage. i mean that you're my family because of all the experiences we've shared, and i love you, and i know that we make a good team. if you want to keep the baby, we'll just be partners in parenthood, too. and if you

want to have an abortion, we'll still make a good team, and we'll still be family, and i'll still love you."
there is a brief moment's pause when lxc turns his head to just stare at him, and wwx realises with a sudden panic that maybe he needs to clear some things up.

"platonically" he adds quickly, "like, not in love-love, you know, not the butterfly 'i can't stop swooning over the fact that this man even exists in the world' kind of love, just a very warm and genuine caring for someone kind. you know?"
those last two words come out barely

more than a squeak, and he's so, so sure he's messed up, because lxc is looking at him incredulously and in total silence, with the glint of tears in his eyes, but then- lxc begins to laugh. quietly at first, then louder, until it's loud enough that he raises his hand

to his mouth to hide it.
"... did i say something wrong?" wwx asks faintly.
lxc shakes his head, still laughing, even as he wipes away stray tears from his cheeks.
"no" he says, shaking his head again, "no, not at all. if anything, i think you said just the right thing."

he looks at wwx with a more intense fondness in his eyes than wwx can remember ever having seen before - and lxc is made of fondness.
"i'm not in love with you, either" lxc says. "i don't think i ever will be. but i love you, too, platonically." he smiles. "and i think we make

a pretty good team, too."
and then lxc does this thing, something wwx knows instantly that he'll remember for the rest of his life: he looks down at his stomach, and places his free hand on it, cupping the roundness wwx knows is there but which is still invisible under lxc's

clothes. it is such an intensely private moment, a glimpse of lxc as he might be when on his own, by himself, not occupied with concern or care for others. it is just him, and the life growing inside him, and the touch that confirms that it is real.

"do you think that will be enough?" lxc asks, so softly wwx almost doesn't catch it at first.
when it does, however, he cannot help but smile, too.
"yes" he says quietly. "i think that's enough."

[break]

lxc looks up and some of that softly glowing wonder of the moment lingers in his eyes as his gaze finds wwx.
"can i ask you something else? something else entirely."
"of course" wwx says, feeling strangely... awed. "anything."
"last time you were here..." lxc begins hesitantly,

"in the hall. i remember that you called me a-huan. when did you learn that name?"
wwx chuckles, feeling the tug of nostalgia in his chest.
"i dont't remember when, exactly - i think it might've been when we were starting to look into adopting more seriously." they'd been in bed,

that much he remembers clearly, as well as the warm sunlight spilling in over them. "somehow we got into talking about names and i just remember him saying 'i was a-zhan, brother was a-huan'. i didn't think much about it at the time, but..."
he tilts his head a little, studies

lxc who is sitting at the other end of the couch. remembers lwj telling him how 'a-zhan' was his childhood name, remembers lxc telling him how about his parents letting him decide for himself how he wanted others to address him.
"did you chose that name for yourself?" wwx asks,

and is unsurprised when lxc nods.
"yes. i was so sure about being a boy, but even though i tried so many different names, none of them ever felt right before that one. there were times when i'd change my name five times a day. i'm sure it got very confusing for everyone, but

especially for wangji."
"no wonder he stuck with xiongzhang, then" wwx says with a smile. "regardless of which name you wanted to go by, that part was always true."
"i suppose so" lxc says, but even though his words imply a willingness to let the conversation end there, there's a

slight tremble to his voice that makes wwx unable to leave without making something clear.
"i mean it. he loved and adored you; you were his hero. remember that first time we fucked, and you were surprised he hadn't told me about you? i'm not. lan zhan didn't keep many things

from me, but he'd never share anything with me that would be hurtful to you or a breach of your integrity. he loved and respected you too much for that."
lxc sniffs, and lets out a helpless little laugh, and then sniffs again as he raises one hand to his eyes to wipe away

the tears that are trickling silently down his cheeks. the sight of him smiling helplessly through his tears is achingly familiar to wwx after all those weeks in that rented flat. weeks when they would sit together like this, taking turns talking and crying; weeks during which

wwx learned that not all tears require comfort. sometimes, it is enough simply that they come out. tonight, however, he is not comfortable to just remain in his seat and wait, so he puts his mug away and moves across the couch, takes lxc's mug away from him as well, and pulls him

into a hug.
"you know that, right? that to him, you were his xiongzhang. regardless of which name you chose, regardless of what your body looks like, that's one aspect of your identity that neither of you ever doubted, right? and that was the only thing that mattered."

lxc nods against his shoulder and sobs a yes into the fabric.
"that fact will never change" wwx continues softly, running his fingers gently through lxc's short hair, "and what's more..."
he breaks himself off. there are more words, waiting just at the tip of his tongue,

but he is struck suddenly by the fear that speaking them might be a mistake, an overstep, but lxc makes a small noise of either inquiry or encouragement, so there's little wwx can do but speak.
"just that... that goes for what's happening now, too. if you choose to go through

with the pregnancy and keep the baby, that doesn't make you any less of a man, you know? other people might not understand, and they might make you feel uncomfortable, but that's on them. you'll still be the baby's father, and you'll still be a-yuan's uncle,

and you'll still be xichen-ge to me. or a-huan. or whatever name you want me to call you by. that won't change."
and just like earlier this week, he presses his lips to lxc's temple and just holds him for a little while.
"okay?" he whispers.
"okay" lxc whispers back.

a few moments follow when lxc appears to try and get his breath back under control, and then he lets out a deep breath and leans into wwx's embrace.
"thank you" he says quietly. "i'm sorry for breaking down on you over and over like this."
wwx tsks.

"don't thank me. or apologise. not after you held me together all through this past year. i won't have it."
lxc pulls back slightly and wwx drops his embrace, but doesn't move away. instead he stays, watching as lxc dries his eyes and reaches for his cup to drink.

"did you have more questions for me?"
lxc laughs, and drinks another sip of tea before he says:
"if i did, i don't remember them."
"okay" wwx says with a nod. "do you want to watch something? a movie?"
lxc glances at him with surprise; an expression that then softens into

something wholly warm.
"yes" he says. "i'd like that very much."

so they watch a movie. it's a costume drama, with set designs as beautiful as the plot devices are ridiculous and the love story is as thin as rice paper, but it's nice to share an experience so utterly mundane.

no husband or brother dying under their hands, no funeral to plan, no mourning, no pregnancy that might or might not become a baby for them to raise. just the two of them and a half-decent movie, wwx making comments about the characters and the plot while lxc absentmindedly

rubs wwx's feet, which have somehow ended up in lxc's lap.
it feels almost normal, if normal was something wwx still remembered what it felt like, and with the movie being barely more than an hour and a half long, it comes to an end much sooner than he would have liked it to.

if he's reading lxc's expression correctly, the feeling is mutual.
"xichen-ge?"
"mm?"
"can i stay?"
lxc turns his gaze from the rolling credits, and there is recognition in his eyes, an understanding that wwx honestly does not know what he would do without.

"yes" lxc says. "of course. always."

[break]

they tidy up the living room; they go to bed. wwx borrows a t-shirt and a toothbrush from lxc, and they take turns for the bathroom. once in bed, lxc asks if it's okay if he keeps the lights on to read for a while, and of course it is. wwx declines the offer to borrow a book,

and instead scrolls through his social media. a-yuan's best friend jingyi has posted pictures of them in some generic-looking student bar and wwx sends them both a few mock-outraged messages littered with panicked-emojis, before telling them to please be safe and to just call

him, at *any time*, if something happens or they just need money for an uber home, okay? a-yuan answers with his customary "of course, baba!" and jingyi, true to form, replies with "AN UBER? A-Yuan, your baba doesn't love us anymore!!! Baba, why won't you come pick us up

yourself?!"followed by approximately fifty crying and broken hears emojis, and ten gifs to the same point. wwx laughs and sends them a hug in return. he's ridiculously glad to know that they have each other, and to still be let in (however briefly) into their by now almost grown

up lives. if they called, he probably would come and pick them up, no matter how far away they were.
he puts his phone away and turns onto his side to watch lxc, who is sitting back against his headboard with his covers pulled up around him, immersed in his reading.

the bedside lamp lends a glow to his profile and he smiles a little as he seems to notice wwx watching him.
it feels new, this. whenever they've gone to bed together before it's been out of an almost desperate need, that's been met with hugs or whispered words of comfort

or sex. not tonight. tonight they're just existing in the same room, the same bed, together, not touching but within reach. and it doesn't feel awkward, and it doesn't feel like anything is missing, only reassuring to have lxc there, warm and smiling to himself and within reach.

wwx falls asleep like that, even though he doesn't really mean to, and wakes up in the grey morning light, alone in the bed. it is early, and a sunday, so he could probably and justifiably stay in bed for a couple more hours, but last night was an early one and he doesn't really

feel like he needs more sleep. instead he gets out of the bed, borrows lxc's robe and shuffles out into the flat. lxc is in the living room on his yoga mat, seemingly meditating, but he murmurs a good morning before wwx has even said anything. wwx makes tea for them - lxc doesn't

keep any coffee, even for guests - but as he stands by the kitchen counter waiting for it to brew and checks a-yuan's and jingyi's "we're home safe now" messages, lxc calls his name.
"wuxian?"
"yeah?"
"would you mind coming over here?"

[break]

that's... ominous. or, the words are, but lxc's voice isn't. he sounds as though he's taking care to keep his voice calm, but some tremble slips through anyway, making his question not so much a threat of 'come here so i can scold you for things you've done wrong', as a

plea of 'please come over here because i don't know if i can bear getting up and coming over to you right now'. wwx gets that.
"should i bring your tea?"
"yes please."
so wwx brings himself and the two cups of tea, and sits down in front of lxc on his yoga mat. as lxc accepts his

cup with a quiet 'thank you', wwx reflects on how many of their important conversations take place over cups of tea; like security blankets, something for them to focus on because they still don't know exactly how to navigate around each other when there's only the two of them.

"are you okay?" wwx asks. "something on your mind?"
"i'm- yes. constantly, this past month." lxc chuckles helplessly, and turns his cup in his hands. "i've been thinking... so many things. about my body, my age, my health. i've been thinking about my work, and this flat, and how

a child would change everything, and how that thought both terrifies and appeals to me. i've thought about you, and wangji, and about how what you two had was infinitely different from what you and i have. from anything i've ever had, with anyone."

wwx does not say anything; he can tell that it is not his place to speak. not yet.
"i told you i've never really wanted children of my own, and that's true, but... when i examine my thoughts, i find that i don't want an abortion, either. i feel like i *should* be getting one, as

though that's what's expected of me. what you said last night, it triggered a realisation, for me. i haven't had to fight much for my identity, not compared with others in my situation, but i've been afraid of... losing it. of no longer being seen the way i want, the way i *need*

others to see me. all of my deliberations these past few weeks have all originated in thoughts like 'if i keep the baby, then" or "if if keep the baby, what about'. i want to plan ahead, i want to have all the answers from the beginning, and i haven't, with this. and whenever

i've been unable to see the answer to a practical question, that's when i've thought about abortion. it has felt like the responsible action to take, when i can't even figure out... anything." lxc gestures vaguely with one hand, then drops it, swallows.

"but i don't want it" he continues quietly. "i think, if i did, i would have known sooner. i would have decided right after you came back monday. but i couldn't. you had given me new 'what ifs'."
lxc's gaze, which has dropped to the floor, rises to meet wwx's. there's a pleading

in his eyes, a begging to be understood, a decision almost but not entirely made, and wwx knows that it is his time to speak now.
for a moment, he thinks about his life. the one he once thought he'd have, with the hobbies he'd pick up and the trips he'd make and all the sex he'd

have, all with lwj, is gone. dead,and buried, and never coming back. that doesn't mean he can't still do those things with other people, and having a child doesn't mean he can't do them at all. and lxc isn't lwj but he doesn't need to be, and wwx loves him anyway.

he honestly thinks that will be enough. and if lxc doesn't want an abortion, well, then wwx doesn't want it either.
all those thoughts pass through his mind in a single moment, and when they have, he smiles and puts his own mug away, cups lxc's hands with both his own. a slight

shiver must be running through lxc's body, because wwx can feel the echo of it in his hands.
"xichen-ge" he says, meeting lxc's gaze. "do you want to keep the baby?"
"yes." it comes out a paper-thin whisper. "yes please."
"okay" wwx says, nodding and trying not to smile as he

feels the excitement he hasn't allowed himself to feel before set root in his chest. warm and fluttering, like butterfly wings, or falling in love. "let's have a baby."

[break]

the rest of the morning passes in something of a blur, as they sit on the floor of lxc's flat and talk. it can hardly be called planning, it's much too aimless and circular for that, but perhaps sketches? loose lines, a lead to follow, something to build upon.

they don't decide on living arrangements, for example. they don't talk about moving in together or selling one place or another, or looking for something new: they just reach the conclusion that sharing a bed is nice and that maybe they should each move some clothes and a

toothbrush to the other's place, so they can always stay over.
they also don't talk about what lxc will do about his work, even though they brush against the subject a few times and lxc flinches at it every time. they simply reiterate that they both have money, and that neither

of them is at any immediate risk of losing their home in the next year.
they do talk about the pregnancy, though mostly in terms of all the things they do not know, both in general and in terms of what lxc personally might experience. wwx, of course, knows a lot of things

about children and being a parent. after all, he has twenty years of experience of not only raising a-yuan but also looking after his sister's kids and other kids like jingyi. but he knows almost nothing about pregnancy or even about infants, because a-yuan had already turned

two when he came to them, and lxc is equally inexperienced. they do agree, however, that wwx should join lxc for the next scheduled doctor's appointment, and, to wwx's huge relief, that jyl should be the first person they tell.

it's not that they want to make a huge deal out of the news, and it's not necessarily that they want to hide it, either. as lxc points out, it is simply not possible to keep it a secret, and especially not to family and friends. even should they both hide away throughout the

pregnancy, there will hopefully be a child at the end of it, and trying to explain that, after disappearing off the radar for over half a year, will be more difficult than just coming right out with it now. but that doesn't mean changing their facebook profiles and posting an

ultrasound image will be easier. even wwx shudders to think of what the reactions to *that* might be. but friends and family must know, on that they both agree, and jyl will be the first to know.
in a fit of impulsiveness, wwx calls her up and asks if he can bring lxc over for

their sunday dinner. she's on speakerphone, and when she says "of course! bring him! i haven't seen a-chen since the funeral, bring him here so i can give him a long, big hug" wwx sees the way lxc's lip trembles and his eyes fill with tears.

jyl does give lxc a big, long hug when they arrive at her home that afternoon, and scolds him gently for his pale face and piles food onto his plate until wwx, jc and jin zixuan must join forces to stop her, because it is becoming increasingly clear that lxc is not only

very full, but also completely incapable of uttering even a single word of protest against her care. after dinner, they linger. wwx did tell lxc, after his impulse had faded, that of course they don't have to tell jyl today already, but lxc is determined. as jc and jzx go off

to watch some sports event together on the tv, and the kids scatter, the three of them are alone in jyl's conservatory. wwx and lxc share a glance, and wwx says, "jiejie, there's something we need to tell you" and they do. unrehearsedly and in no chronological order,

and with perhaps a bit more detail than is strictly speaking necessary, they tell her about their stay abroad and about lxc being intersex and about the very unplanned pregnancy, and how they know how this must all seem, but they're having a baby and she's the first person

they've told. jyl looks between them: at wwx, whose whole body is jittery and fidgety, and at lxc, who's digging his fingers into his thighs and looks as though he is waiting to be whacked over the head and chewed out.
"a-xian" jyl says, "will you leave me and a-chen alone for

a little while?" wwx blinks and is about to protest when she turns her gaze at him and says: "go and check on the boys for me. i'll let you know when you can come back."
as wwx is also thoroughly unable to protest anything his jiejie tells him, he finds himself thus exiled to

the TV, and his brother and brother-in-law's enthusiastic cheering and/or cries of outrage, for a full half hour before he is summoned back to the conservatory. when he returns, lxc sits in the couch, and there's a redness to his eyes and a flock of used tissues on the side table

that suggests that there has been crying. jyl takes the seat next to lxc and takes his hand, which leaves wwx to take one of the armchairs and to lean in awkwardly to ask if lxc is okay.
lxc nods and glances at jyl with a warm smile, but does not elaborate.

(later, wwx asks both of them what they talked about. jyl tells him he doesn't need to know; lxc tells him that she wanted to make sure that this was something he wanted, and when he confirmed it, told him he could come to her with any questions or fears, no matter how large,

small, or seemingly irrational. "i know how scary a pregnancy can be" she had apparently said, "and how many things can run through your head and your heart in a single hour, let alone a day, and how lonely it can make you feel" and that had been enough to send lxc into another

bout of violent crying. wwx is fairly sure his sister must have said a lot of other things too, to make lxc smile at her like that, with warmth and gratitude, but he doesn't have it in him to ask more than that.)

[break]

"now, boys" jyl says - and even though she sounds gently stern, wwx is ridiculously relieved at still being one of her boys - "i understand that this was not an easy decision for either of you to make, and i'm honoured that you wanted me to be the first one to know. but there

are many other people you need to tell about it as well, and you must tell a-yuan first."
"yes, jiejie" wwx nods. of course he must tell a-yuan. "i was going to go over there tomorrow anyway, so i thought i'd tell him then."
not that he has any idea how. but jyl smiles at him.

"good."
"shouldn't i come, too?" lxc asks, but both wwx and jyl shake their heads before he's even finished asking the question.
"no, i don't think so" jyl says, patting his hand. "a-yuan is the sweetest, most kindhearted soul, and i know that he adores you, a-chen, but... it's

been less than four months since he lost his a-die."
and now his other parent is seemingly moving on already, about to start a new family with the uncle of his first child. and although it is just as jyl said, and although a-yuan is the most compassionate, caring kid one could

hope for, he is still only barely an adult, and one whose father has just passed away. he will probably understand, if wwx manages explain it properly, that this change in his family, this new sibling/cousin, is not wwx replacing him or his father, but he might

still be upset and confused, or disappointed, or angry. and no matter what his reaction might be, it's wwx's responsibility to bear it.
"i should be the one to tell him" wwx concludes. "that's on me."
"but i want to talk with him. he's my nephew."

there's something at once brittle and hard in lxc's voice, and wwx understands. a-yuan is lxc's only nephew; of course he'll want to do everything in his power to ensure that their relationship won't be damaged by this.
"i'll tell him that" wwx says. "i'll tell him you wanted

to come along, but that i wouldn't let you, and that if he wants, you'll be happy to come some other day."
lxc looks as though he wants to protest, but he does not. instead he presses his lips together and gives a single nod. jyl pats his hand once more.

"good" she says again. "now, a-xian, a-chen, i think you should go home for tonight. the game will be over in a bit and we won't be able to talk just the three of us. talk with a-yuan tomorrow, and if you want to, you can tell the rest of the family next sunday."
"you wont even

tell zixuan?" wwx asks, more for lxc's sake than his own, and the way she smiles at him lets him know that she knows.
"pfft, why would i? is it any of his business? he'll know about it when you feel ready to tell him."
wwx's chest fills with warmth, a mix of affection and deepest

gratitude for his sister. he wouldn't know what to do without her.
it is not long before they leave. jyl hugs them both and tells them she's proud of them for being such sensible boys. she makes lxc lean down so she can kiss his cheek and tells him he can call or text her any

time, for any reason, "and i'll be very upset if i find out you thought about it but didn't!" and then she pinches wwx's cheeks and tells him that he'll come and see her for coffee later this week.
wwx gives her another long, hard hug after that, and whispers "thank you, jiejie,

thank you, thank you, thank you" into her hair.
jc and jzx are still in front of the tv, caught up in the last minutes of their game, so although it feels like running away, wwx and lxc merely call goodbye to them before they step out of the house and leave.

[break]

they don't talk much in the car, except for when wwx asks lxc about what he and jyl talked about. instead they both spend most of the trip in their own heads, with their own thoughts, and it's not until wwx is pulling into the drive at his house that he realises he has just

assumed that this is where they're going.
"oh shit" he says, engine still running. "do you want to go home? i should've asked earlier, i'll drive you-"
lxc shakes his head.
"no, it's... is it? okay if i stay?"
"yes, yes of course it's okay" wwx hurries to reply. "of course you

can stay."
he turns off the engine and steps out of the car, and lxc follows, and it is okay, it really is, but it's also really, really weird, because wwx realises suddenly that lxc hasn't been here, in this house, since lwj died. for months he used to be here all the time,

in the kitchen and living room and in wwx's and lwj's bedroom especially, because that's where lwj was. some nights he'd stay over in the guest room, and now lxc is here again, *staying the night*, but lwj is not and wwx's mind is firing all sorts of panicked, confused signals

because he just doesn't know what to do. it's not late, exactly, but lxc could probably be ready to go to bed fairly soon, and whether it happens now or later, which bed? does wwx invite him to sleep in the master bedroom, or offer him the guest room? will they sleep in the

same bed or separately? both options feel weirdly wrong. there hasn't been a night in this house when he hasn't slept in the master bedroom, but he's also never had anyone else sleep there but lwj and, when he was a lot younger, a-yuan. but on the other hand, not sleeping next to

lxc feels equally strange, after months of falling asleep curled up around him or spooned by him, lulled to sleep by his steady breathing and the warmth of his body.
lxc, however, doesn't even ask. he goes straight for the cupboard where the linen is kept and fetches a fresh set

for himself, as he's done a hundred times before. guest room it is, then.
"you could..." wwx begins to say, even though he isn't sure if he really means it.
"no" lxc says, "i couldn't."
wwx draws a quick, sharp breath, and has no idea whether it's because of pain or relief.

"i'll just go and turn out the downstairs lights" he says, "and then i'll fetch you something to sleep in."
the house is large and quiet; even more so when wwx turns out the few lights they turned on as they got back. too large, and too quiet. it was never meant for anyone to

live in alone.
but can he start a new family here? change a-yuan's room back into a nursery; share the bedroom with lxc instead of lwj? he doesn't know, and right now, he doesn't have the presence of mind to even begin thinking about it, so he tries to push those thoughts to the

back of his mind, and focuses on finding lxc some pajamas instead.
when he returns, the door to the guest room stands slightly ajar, so wwx only knocks on it briefly with one knuckle before he opens it properly and steps inside.
"i found some pajamas for y-" the word kind of gets

stuck in his throat as he sees lxc standing in front of the window, down to only his undershirt and underwear. it isn't revealing clothing, at least not usually, but the undershirt, which is supposed to be close-fitting, is now noticeably tight around lxc's significantly rounder

midsection. wwx honestly doesn't understand how he hasn't seen it before; it can't just be the tight-fitting undershirt and lxc's hand resting against the bump that makes it stand out so much, can it? it's so... *there*.
lxc notices, of course, as he turned towards the door when

wwx entered, and he lowers his gaze and looks away, even as his arms cross over his chest in the most universal of self-protecting gestures.
"told you i was showing" he says quietly, a strain in his voice.
"it didn't" wwx says. "not with clothes on."
lxc laughs, a little dryly.

"lucky for me it's a season where one gets away with wearing large, loose-fitting sweaters" he says. "not for much longer, though."
wwx puts the pajamas down on the bed, and considers for a moment if perhaps he should sit down as well, but soon realises he would fidget both

himself and lxc to distraction if he did. he doesn't step closer though, but stays by the bed.
"does it bother you?" he asks. "that it shows?"
"not that it shows" lxc says, an edge to his voice which is then completely gone as he seems to deflate and says: "only that others will

be able to see it."
wwx doesn't fully understand, but he remembers when lxc told him his reservations about the pregnancy, about being perceived as both pregnant and a man.
"am i others, too?"
lxc regards him for several long moments before he says: "yes, you are."

"but you still undressed before I came back?"
lxc presses his lips together briefly, but nods.
"i need you not to be" he says.
and maybe that shouldn't make sense, but it does.
"okay" wwx says, taking a step closer, and then another one. "can you show me?"
he can see the

hesitation in lxc's eyes, the debate he's having with himself, not wanting to be seen but needing wwx to be someone to whom it only shows, more and more desperate with every step wwx takes in his direction. wwx doesn't stop until he's right in front of lxc, face to face and so

close that he can't see the bump at all, only lxc's face. he puts his hands on lxc's elbows, the arms still protectively crossed over his chest, and urges them gently to uncross and lower.
"can i do it?" he asks. "can i take it off?"
lxc swallows, but he says: "yes."

he is trembling, though, and wwx feels shaky too, so instead of going straight for the hem of the undershirt, he leans in and kisses lxc's cheek. once, twice, before he moves his lips to lxc's neck and kisses him there. it fees easier to move his hands then, to let them trail

slowly down lxc's arms and then in against his side, to bunch some of the soft cotton in his hands and sneak his fingers in under the fabric, making little circles with his thumbs. when at last he places his full hand against the bump, it feels larger than he remembers it.

he thought it was undeniable then, but it definitely is now, rounded and almost hard under his hand, the skin taut.
lxc's gasps, whether from the touch over his bump or the kisses wwx is still trailing all over his neck, wwx doesn't know.
"you'll need to tell me" wwx says between

kisses, "if there's something i can't do or say."
"i don't know yet."
"i just... there's a baby here" wwx whispers. "right here, under my hand. our baby."
as he speaks the words, they become infinite. growing and growing,

expanding ever outwards like the universe, changing every other moment that will ever come to pass to also fit this impossible, unbelievable, undeniable truth.
his hand makes circular, almost rubbing motions over the bump, as he tries to commit to memory the sensation of touching

it for the first time. it shouldn't make a difference, it's not the baby itself, it's just a stomach, but it's a stomach very much changed since wwx last saw it, and there's a life in there now. when, after a long while, he manages to move his hand away from the bump, lxc almost

whimpers.
"do it" he asks, "take it off."
so wwx does; pulls he undershirt up over lxc's head and tosses it to the floor and steps back and looks, and sees, and is shown.

[break]

it sits higher than he first realised, is wwx's first thought. somehow, even though he's both felt the bump before and saw the outline of it underneath lxc's undershirt just now, he'd thought it'd sit lower, maybe pushing at the waistband of lxc's boxers. it doesn't; not yet, but

it probably won't be long before no loose-fitting yoga clothes or warm sweaters in the world can disguise this bump.
"can i..." wwx begins, unable to find words to describe what he wants to do and why he thinks it would be different from only a minute ago, but lxc nods and takes

his hand and brings it once again to his stomach.
it feels even stranger to touch now that he can see the skin, see the way the bump pushes out from lxc's body almost defiantly, as though daring anyone to deny its existence.
"it must have grown since monday" wwx says, stupidly.

"it can't have been this large when you let me touch you then."
lxc laughs, not entirely happily.
"of course it grows" he says. "that's what they do." then, more quietly: "it happens so fast. i can see change almost every day."
he's scared, wwx reminds himself, and he would be

lying if he said he doesn't feel scared and nervous as well. this is new, all so terrifyingly new, and he doesn't know what lxc needs from him or if it's within him to give.
but they've decided to do this together, and wwx has promised lxc won't be alone, so...

"i'll see it, too" he says, caressing the bump with one hand and lxc's cheek with the other. "i'll be right here to see those changes with you."
their gazes meet and for what feels like several long moments, lxc seems to search him for something wwx doesn't know what it is.

then he nods slowly, just the once.
"thank you" he says, with the tiniest little smile on his lips and his voice.
"of course" wwx says, "we said we'll do it together. all the rest, we'll figure it out."

[break]

wwx doesn't know if he's the one who leans in or if lxc does, and it doesn't really matter. all he knows is that their gazes meet for another moment and then they're kissing. tentative little kisses at first, like the very first ones they shared, interspersed with 'can i?'s and

'is this okay?'s until lxc says "please" and wwx asks "what do you need?" and lxc shakes his head and wwx doesn't ask again. they've been here before (well, not literally here, but... thematically? metaphorically?) and he can guess well enough, but he needs lxc to say it because

today has just been A Day™ and he doesn't think he can bear to fuck this up.
"you want me to fuck you?" he asks, and the way lxc full-body shivers is probably answer enough.
"yes."
"want me to kiss you, run my hands all over your body?"
"*yes*."
"okay. help me get out of my

clothes."
it's a bit awkward, mostly because they've never really undressed each other before, but it's not long before wwx's clothes join lxc's undershirt in a discarded pile on the floor and wwx pushes lxc back against and down onto the bed.

it's been almost a month since last time, but it doesn't feel that long ago. any lingering awkwardness is more to do with the fact they're not passionately horny at the beginning; when they were away, they had to learn how to build up to desire, and even how to abandon it, change

plans, if their bodies wouldn't get on board with what they wanted emotionally. lxc doesn't seem to have that problem tonight: his boxers are already soaked through when wwx pulls them off him, and as wwx kisses his throat and neck and chest, and allows his hands to roam over

lxc's body, lxc is caressing himself, breathing shallowly as he edges himself ever close to climax. when wwx goes does on him on a whim, lxc grabs his hair and moans loudly as he comes, waves upon waves of salt richness on wwx's tongue.
wwx hadn't thought he'd be

getting hard tonight - he wasn't, earlier - but he definitely is as he moves up on the bed to lie down next to lxc, who is still trembling with aftershock and trying to catch his breath. wwx kisses his shoulder and can't help but let his hand come to rest cupping the bump - even

more noticeable now, when lxc lies down.
"you okay?"
"i just came so hard" lxc says, sounding out of breath and slightly delirious, "i saw stars. i don't- it's been *years* since I, not since-"
not since his last boyfriend, wwx guesses, but it's not a subject for him to bring up.

"mm, that's good to hear" he says instead. "can i interest you in another one?"
he rolls his hips slightly against lxc's side, and moves his hand from the baby bump and up to lxc's chest. the nipple is still stiff under wwx's fingers and lxc lets out a small gasp at the touch.

"yes" he says on an exhale. "oh, that was good."
he orgasms again, with wwx's lips and fingers on his nipples, his own fingers on his clit, and when he's caught his breath, he pushes wwx onto his back and sinks down on his cock, engulfing wwx with his hot warmth.

it's so much, it's *too much*, seeing lxc over him with his hair plastered to his face and his face almost contorted with pleasure, the gentle swell of his stomach rocking back and forth as he rides wwx to climax, and wwx comes so fast and hard that he even blanks out for a bit.

he comes to when lxc kisses his forehead and whispers his name.
"...because while you may be content to sleep in these soiled sheets, i personally would rather not."
"ngghhhh" wwx manages, which is perhaps not an impressive feat, but still more coherent than he could've been.

"no, no, i'll... i'll get up."
and through some miracle, somehow, he does. he even pulls lxc along with him to the shower, where they wash each other off in silence before stepping out and towelling off and even brushing their teeth before they get back to the guest room and

change the sheets again. they don't say much, but wwx doesn't mind this silence. doesn't mind the way he can just climb into bed next to lxc and snuggle up close to him, even dare to put his arm protectively over the bump, without needing to ask and without getting any comment.

it just... is, and it feels good.
"you know" he says, yawning, as he burrows a little closer to lxc under the cover. "i honestly do think it'll be enough."
if lxc answers, wwx does not hear him.

[break]

wwx wakes in the morning feeling warm, well-rested and at peace. today is going to be a good day. he knows, in the way you just know such things, that he's alone in bed, but that's nothing unusual. he can stay here, in his cosy nest of covers, and doze until he hears the door

open and steps across the floor, and the dip of the bed as lan zhan-
his thoughts come to a screeching halt and the warm, glowing feeling in his chest turns suddenly into something ice cold and jagged.
lan zhan.
he isn't here. it's wwx's birthday and for the first time since he

was 19, lwj isn't here to rouse him with kisses and fuck him slowly, gently, as he wakes up, or to bring him breakfast in bed (only on birthdays) or agree to every single ridiculous idea wwx gets (which, admittedly, he'd do even on most other days).
he isn't here.

and wwx isn't even in their bed. he's in the guest room, naked and alone in the bed, and lwj won't come in here with kisses or breakfast trays and he won't ever whisper "happy birthday, wei ying" again because he isn't here, he's gone and won't ever come back, because... because-

wwx tries to draw a steadying breah but it gets stuck in his throat somehow, becomes a desperate gasp, a sob.
*dead.*
how can it be that wwx is having another birthday when lan zhan is dead?
another sob wrenches its way out of his throat and he clutches his hands to his sides,

desperately trying to hold back the flood of pain, but that icy, jagged thing is lodged in his chest like a knife buried to the hilt and he can't- he can't-
"wuxian?"
the voice sounds as though it comes from afar but wwx hears it clearly enough to know that it's the wrong voice.

the wrong voice calling the wrong name in the wrong way. "i do not wish to disturb you but i need to- wuxian?"
the hurt in his chest explodes out of him in a wail, a sound from somewhere so deep within him that it hurts as it makes its way up his throat and past his lips.

tears burn his eyes and clog up his nose and he can't breathe, can't make a single syllable, only wail and sob into the pillow as his body curls in on itself, too late to protect itself from the greatest harm it will ever know.
*lan zhan* burns in wwx's head, in his heart,

in the very skin of his body which will never again know lan zhan's kisses or touches or the warmth of his body. *lan zhan. dead. gone. lost. never again. lan zhan lan zhan lan zhan*
he thinks maybe he screams. he shivers, and doesn't know whether it's because of the cold pain in

his chest or because it feels like every single nerve-ending is on fire. he doesn't know how long he lies there, only that when he somehow comes back to himself, if only fractionally, there is another body curled around him, one arm protectively thrown over him, and a voice

just behind his ear, whispering:
"i'm sorry, i'm so sorry. i know it hurts, i know you miss him, it's okay, i know, i know..."
it isn't *missing* him. missing implies that something can be found again, but you can't find someone who's dead. that's the whole thing; they're gone,

forever, and you can't ever have them back, only try and hope that you can figure out how to live without them. without their scent in the bed sheets, without their voice welcoming you home or their fingers braiding themselves together with yours. live without the person who

makes you want to be the best version of yourself you can be, while at the same time you know that they are the best thing you'll ever have.
"he's- he's supposed to be here" wwx manages to say, throat thick with tears and snot and not nearly enough air. "why isn't he here?"

lxc doesn't answer. of course he doesn't, what could he possibly say? it's unfair to even ask.
and yet wwx can't stop himself.
"how can it be my birthday when he's not here?"
another sob breaks free, new tears stream down his face into the pillow.
"i want him back" he whispers

wetly into the soaked pillow, every word a weight on his heart, "i want him back..."
"i know" lxc whispers again, his voice betraying his own heartbreak even if he doesn't speak it. "i'm sorry."
he hugs wwx tighter, and doesn't let go.

[break]

wwx has no idea how long they stay like that. all he knows is that when at long last he can move his body again, it feels as though the blood in his veins has been replaced by lead. his chest, on the other hand, feels cavernous, and the edges around the abyss searing and raw like

the edges of a wound.
lxc is still there, and moves as wwx moves, from lying curled protectively around him to sitting next to him on the bed. he's dressed in yesterday's clothes, his baby bump hidden under the thick, loose sweater, and his eyes are red-rimmed.

"what time is it?" wwx asks, his voice raspy and hoarse.
lxc checks his watch.
"almost nine."
"oh shit" wwx groans, leaning back against the headrest and closing his eyes against the pounding in his head. "i've made you late for work."
"don't worry about it" lxc says softly,

and his hand lands on wwx's elbow. "i texted them earlier. i'll stay with you, for however long you need."
slowly, wwx opens his eyes again and regards the man sitting next to him on the bed. notices the tiredness in his eyes, but also the sincerity, and knows that he means every

word. he would stay. has already stayed, once, and done everything one could expect of him, and a hundredfold more.
wwx can't let him do it again. can't let himself be someone who needs him to do it again.
"i need to get to work too" he says instead. "i'm supposed to

come back today. fucking nailed that one..."
he doesn't have classes to teach, so there isn't really a time for him to keep, but he would've liked to come in to work in the morning, when everyone else got there. get some coffee, talk about everyone's weekend, pretend - just for a

few minutes - that his life, too, could have normalcy again. well, that ship has fairly well sailed now.
"you can still go there" lxc says, squeezing wwx's elbow gently. "if you want to."
wwx nods; he does want to. needs to. he won't be able to stand another week of just moving

through this empty house like some sort of restless spirit.
"okay" lxc says. "i'll go down and prepare some breakfast for you."
he doesn't squeeze wwx's elbow again; doesn't lean in to kiss his forehead; nothing like that. he just smiles in that small, sad way he has, and leaves.

part of wwx is relieved at it; another part of him aches at those small reassurances withheld, but he doesn't say anything, just watches lxc leave. then he takes a breath, and another one, and at the third, he rises from the bed and drags his lead-heavy body to the bathroom.

he gets dressed and washes his face, combs his hair, and then shakes his head at the man staring back at him from the mirror. pads down the hall, down the stairs, and into the kitchen, where there's toast and orange juice and a boiled egg waiting for him. lxc is standing by

the counter, pouring a cup of coffee clearly meant for wwx, and before wwx knows it, he's walked right up to lxc and hugs him from behind, tight, as tight as he can while also burrowing his face against lxc's shoulder.
he doesn't have a single word in him to speak, but lxc, too,

is fluent in silence. he simply stands there, still and quiet, with one hand on one of wwx's hands, and lets himself be hugged.
it's perhaps not a great morning, wwx thinks later, as he drops lxc off by his flat and drives towards campus. but it could've been much worse.

[break]

he last until lunch before he breaks into tears again. this time, it's because his colleagues pull him into the staff room and present him with a cake with the legend "WELCOME BACK & HAPPY B-DAY!" written on in it chocolate calligraphy. some of them hug him and someone hands him

tissues and then he sits in their midst, sniffling and eating chocolate cake, feeling so, so lucky.
he isn't supposed to work full days yet, but it's too easy to lose himself in reading up on what he's missed, and what's he supposed to do instead? sit in an empty house twiddling

his thumbs? pestering his siblings at their work? hardly. so he stays at his desk, reading and making notes, until he can begin the drive towards a-yuan's school.
when he pulls up in front of their dorm, a-yuan and jingyi are already standing at the curb, grinning their

respective versions of excitedly as they pile into the car.
"so" wwx says with a smile, "where are we going?"

it's a birthday tradition they've had ever since a-yuan came into wwx's and lwj's lives. whoever has their birthday is taken out for a special event or adventure to

celebrate. when a-yuan was little they'd often take him to places like museums of natural history or technology, where he'd try every interactive piece in the exhibition, or the movies, and eat at icecream parlours or have waffles. wwx and a-yuan would conspire to take lwj to

concerts, or daytrips to the sea, and wwx... wwx has found himself treated to everything from musical performances to escape rooms to all you can eat buffets. tonight, a-yuan and jingyi take him to an arcade.
it's not a huge place, but it's crammed full of flipper games and old

arcades. they take turns trying out every single one of the machines, from racing to tossing basketballs to space invaders, only to end up at the brightly pink-yellow-purple dance dance revolution machines, where wwx collapses in laughter after seeing a-yuan and jingyi

dance-battling it out to gloria gaynor's "i will survive". they're the best kids, he thinks as he high-tens them both once the song is over. he loves them both so much.
after they've eaten a wonderfully hedonistic meal at mcdonald's, wwx drives them both back to their dorm.

the boys are chattering happily away but wwx can't quite make himself join in, all too aware of the news he must tell a-yuan - preferably tonight. he can't put it off; or rather, putting it off won't make it easier, or better.
so when he turns onto the street where their dorm is,

he asks, as casually as he can: "hey boys, would it be okay if i a-yuan stays back with me for a while?"
both boys (he can't quite see them as young men, although they technically are) look at him, and then at each other.
"sure" a-yuan says. "or we can go upstairs. jingyi

can hang out with zizhen for a while, right?"
"yeah" jingyi nods, "you can talk in our room, if, you know, it's the kind of talk you'd rather have in a room than in a car."
wwx's heart aches for them. he isn't that surprised by a-yuan's thoughtfulness - he's always been emphatic,

always perceptive of others and trying to make them comfortable - but for jingyi to not loudly demand to know why he isn't allowed to know, too, or even playfully proclaim something ludicrous like "a-yuan, your baba doesn't love me anymore!", but become quiet and careful...

they've both had to grow up a lot, these past few years.
"okay" wwx says. "we'll do that, then. thank you."
it's not long before he's parked the car and they're upstairs in a-yuan's and jingyi's shared room. the way the two halves look like different worlds smacked together -

one neat and tidy, with not a paperclip out of order; the other a barely contained chaos of discarded clothes and towering piles of books - makes him laugh, despite his nerves. a-yuan pulls out the chair from his desk and offers it to wwx, who sits down on it gratefully.

he doubts his wobbly knees would have supported him through this confession. a-yuan sits down on the edge of his bed, his nervousness betrayed only by the way he folds his hands in his lap and worries at his lip.
"what is it, baba?"
wwx draws a deep breath. here goes.

[break]

[do we need a bump to the top of this monster of a thread? here it is, in case anyone stumbles across this and wants to read from the beginning:

https://twitter.com/Onomato_poetic/status/1490597184995217408

]

he almost starts with 'so, your uncle xichen and i...'. it's such a near thing, he can practically taste the words on his tongue, but luckily manages to stop himself. *that* kind of intro would be skipping a lot of steps. shit, he doesn't know how to do this. he's never had to

have serious parent talks on his own like this. or if he did, he always knew lwj would be able to follow up on it, either to reassure wwx or in talking further with a-yuan. he can't be careless with this.
he runs his fingers through his hair, thinks of all the things he admired

about lan zhan's parenting, and starts over.
"there's something i need to tell you" he begins. "something that i'm pretty sure will be a bit awkward and embarrassing, and i'm worried that you'll be upset with me about it, and- and that's okay."

he searches for a-yuan's gaze, finds it. there is tension in his expression, worry in his eyes, but he nods.
"you can be as upset with me as you need to, or angry, or- whatever you feel, it's okay. i can take it. but i'm hoping you'll hear me out first."

"okay" a-yuan says quietly.
wwx doesn't continue at once. he wants to pad his confession with more reassurances first, wants to pledge his loyalty and love for lwj, but a-yuan looks so worried already. more padding would likely only make him more concerned, perhaps even afraid.

"when your uncle and i were abroad, we..."
*you what?* he thinks to himself. *you had sex? you fucked? rolled in the metaphorical hay? please lan zhan, help me say this right.*

"... we were both in an emotionally vulnerable place and we ended up sleeping together. in the euphemistic sense. more than once."
he winces at his own words, and a-yuan's blush is immediate. aside from his furiously red cheeks, however, wwx can't decipher his expression at all.

"i wouldn't tell you about this unless it was important" wwx continues. "and i'm... you know i love you a-die, right? i'll never love anyone else the way i loved him, and no-one can take his place in my heart or my life. or yours."
it takes a moment, but a-yuan nods.

"so why..." he begins, but falls quiet.
"because i felt alone" wwx says. "and because xichen was alone, too, and it made us feel less so. but that's not... the thing is..."
he swallows: this next bit is much more difficult to confess to in front of his, although now adult, child.

"uncle xichen is intersex" he blurts. "and we had reason to believe we wouldn't need to worry about it, so we were irresponsible and didn't practice safe sex and now your uncle is pregnant."
he falls silent, bites his tongue. it's not the worst confession he could have made, he

realises that, but it's certainly not a good one. a-yuan stares at him, wide-eyed and frozen to the spot like a rabbit sensing danger, trying to decide whether to bolt.
wwx wishes he knew how to do this better.

"we didn't intend for this to happen" wwx continues, "but we've decided to keep the baby. xichen and i will raise it together." then, more quietly, he adds: "you'll have a sibling."
half-sibling? cousin?
a-yuan's lip is trembling. wwx could see it from a mile away, let alone

a few feet, and it cuts at him to see his little boy on the verge of tears and now that he's the one who caused them.
"i'm sorry" he says, "a-yuan, i'm so sorry i've done such a fucked up job of telling you-"
he wants to hug him. bundle him up in blankets and hold and cuddle

him until he's safe and happy again. it's an urge that'll likely never fade, no matter how old either of them grows.
"you're having a baby?" a-yuan says. "with uncle xichen?"
"yeah." wwx's mouth feels desert dry.
a-yuan nods. then again. then a third time, four, five, ten, twenty

times, as tears begin to trickle down his cheeks.
"you're going to start a new family?"
"not- not exactly?" wwx flounders, feeling the tears well up in his own eyes. "i'm not- i'm not moving on or replacing you or lan zhan, it's not that, i-"
"where will you live?" a-yuan asks.

"are you going to stay in the house? are you going to move?"
"i don't know, darling, we haven't gotten that far y-"
"it's my home too" a-yuan interrupts him, voice raw and shaky, the trickles now streams. "it's my and a-die's home."
"oh radish" wwx breathes, and he can't stand it

any longer. he can't stay on this chair so far away when a-yuan is crying and afraid, so he moves to sit on the bed instead, next to a-yuan, but careful not to touch him, forcefully keeping himself from hugging him.

"i know" he whispers. "it's your home, and lan zhan's, and mine. it's ours; it always was and it always will be."
but lan zhan isn't there anymore, and a-yuan will likely never move back. he'll find his own place to live, once he's done with his studies.

should wwx stay there simply for the memories carved into its walls, even when he's alone? should he force lxc to move in, to sleep in a bedroom where his brother died, and raise a new child in a-yuan's old bedroom?

"it's... i don't have all the answers, i'm sorry."
he should have them. he's the grown-up, after all. the parent. but he doesn't.

[break]

"there's still a lot of things we need to figure out, but i- *we*, wanted to tell you as soon as possible."
"so where's uncle xichen?" a-yuan's voice is raw and his words defiant and challenging in way wwx has rarely heard before, but he's fairly sure that the anger is only

a veneer. that underneath it lies a greater abyss of fear and uncertainty, as well as longing, and loss, and love.
"i told him he couldn't come" wwx says, trying to sound calm even as his heart is racing. "he wanted to; he wanted to see you and talk with you, but i told him no."

daring, he places one hand on a-yuan's shoulder. a-yuan doesn't flinch, or jerk away, but his shoulder trembles and he's still crying.
"he wants to see you" wwx repeats, rubbing a-yuan's shoulder. "he'll come here, if you want, or you can go and visit him, whichever you prefer."

a-yuan doesn't say anything, and wwx has no idea what to say, so he just stays as he is, making little circles on a-yuan's shoulder with his thumb.
"how long?" a-yuan manages at last. "how long have you known?"
wwx actually has to count the days backwards, and is stunned by how

little time has passed.
"xichen told me about the pregnancy only a week ago" he says, feeling dry-mouthed. "he'd only known about it for ten days or so."
"a week?" a-yuan croaks, and gives him a glare that is the spitting image of lan zhan's.

"you decided to have another kid in a *week*?"
"the baby was already there" wwx says, perhaps a little feebly, and decides that maybe mentioning that *he* decided in less than four hours, is not in his best interest right now. "we didn't plan on this, it wasn't

supposed to happen, but it did. and we had to decide quickly, for- for medical reasons. for xichen's sake."
something in a-yuan's glare wavers.
"how long" he begins again, then swallows, "how far along is he?"
wwx can't help it; he winces, and must clear his throat before he can

reply.
"twelve weeks, give or take."
he can *see* the math happening in a-yuan's head.
"you- a-die hadn't even been dead two months-!"
one month, wwx thinks. almost exactly one month, the first time.
"i'm not- look, radish, i'm not proud of it, but i don't want to be shamed about

it, either." he lowers his hand to his lap, interlaces his fingers loosely, as though that might help him keep himself together.
"you can be upset with me. i told you, i can handle that. upset, or angry or disappointed, or whatever you feel, it's okay. but i also meant it when

i said that i'm not... i'm not replacing anyone. not your father, and not you. no one can replace either of you. but xichen is part of our family too, and his child is also my child. i can't turn my back on them, and i don't want to."

he rubs his hands together; it doesn't help.
"we wanted to tell you, needed to tell you, as soon as we could, because we both love you and... some of those things we haven't figured out yet, you're a part of them, and you're going to get to have a say in that. i promise, but we-

*i*, had to tell you first. i'm sorry i haven't done a very good job of it."
a-yuan shakes his head, but it doesn't seem to be a dismissal, or a refusal. it looks just like his nodding did, earlier, a motion impossible to stop because that would mean letting something else begin.

"uncle xichen is pregnant" he says, and his voice is so thin it comes out sounding both like a disbelieving statement and a question.
"yeah."
"i'm going to be a big brother?" definitely incredulous now.
"yeah" wwx says again, nodding and smiling, even as he feels his own eyes

fill up with tears. "the best one. no kid could ask for a better brother than you."
a-yuan laughs, a small, almost sobbing thing.
"oh shit" he says and wipes at his eyes.
"yeah" wwx says a third time, "i know, right?"
"i'm going to be a big brother."

it sounds like something cracking, those words, and wwx is not surprised when new tears begin to fall down a-yuan's cheeks. again, he puts one hand on a-yuan's shoulders, but it doesn't feel daring this time.
"hey" he says quietly, "can i give you a hug? would that be okay?"

he hasn't even finished asking the question before a-yuan turns towards him and presses his face against his shoulder, arms wrapping around him, hard and desperate. wwx returns the hug immediately, pulling his son close and stroking his back and kissing his hair as he feels his

tears soaking through his sweater.
"oh a-yuan" he whispers. "sweetie, it'll be okay. i promise. it'll be okay. i love you. your a-die loved you so much and i love you and xichen- he loves you, too. and i may not have all the answers, but i know this, and no matter what happens,

you'll always be my son, my little radish, mine and lan zhan's. always. nothing can change that, ever."

and a-yuan nods against his shoulder and cries some more, and wwx holds him and strokes his back, and dares to think that maybe, just maybe, he didn't fuck this up after all.

[break]

after a while, wwx asks if a-yuan wants to call his uncle, and he does. lxc sounds almost panicked as he answers the phone, his "wuxian?" immediately followed by "is something wrong? how'd it go?"
wwx tries to reassure him, telling him he's with a-yuan still and that he thinks

they're okay, and does he want to talk with a-yuan? he does, so wwx, still with one arm around a-yuan's shoulder, puts lxc on speakerphone.
"a-yuan?" lxc says, and he sounds *so worried*. a-yuan sniffles and wipes at his eyes, but before he manages to get a single word out, lxc

continues: "a-yuan, are you- i'm so sorry i'm not there, i wanted- how are you?"
"bofu" a-yuan says and then he's crying again, but he disables the speakerphone and lifts the phone to his ear, "bofu-!"
wwx can't hear lxc's reply, but he suspects that it is full of apologies and

reassurances, because a-yuan listens and nods. once, he asks "why didn't you tell me?" and then "are you okay?", followed a little later by "yeah, we-wednesday's fine" and then, when the tears have mostly dried out, "bofu? can i tell jingyi?"
he nods at the reply and makes these

little noises of confirmation that sound so much like lwj, says "okay" and then again, "okay", and "i love you, too" and hands the phone back to wwx who takes it.
"i told him it's alright" lxc says, and he sounds tired now, so very tired, but at least not sad. "to tell jingyi,

and if there's some other friend he wants to tell as well."
"okay" wwx says. "i'll call you later."
he ends the call, and hugs his son again and kisses his hair once, twice, thrice more. tells him how proud he is, how lucky he is and always has been to have a-yuan,

and how he knows that this is all so new to him, and he'll likely be feeling all sorts of feelings about it and that's okay.
he's been there almost two hours when time comes to leave. it's late, and a school night, and there isn't much more to say at the moment. he sends

jingyi a message, telling him it's okay to come back to the room and that a-yuan might need to unload some things with him, and once jingyi arrives and wwx has apologised to him for how late it's gotten, he hugs both boys and leaves.
for a while, he just sits in his car,

breathing. he calls lxc, but finds he doesn't have it in him to recount the conversation the way he had perhaps thought he might. he's too tired, exhausted after the long day and the emotional roller coaster it has brought him on. he misses lwj, misses to be able to climb into

bed and lie close to him and be held and comforted by him, told he did well. and maybe he could go to lxc's and ask that of him, but it's late and lxc is many things, but he's not his brother.
wwx ends the call, drives back home, and falls asleep, alone and unheld.

[break]

he goes about his own business on tuesday, and when lxc calls to ask if he wants to have dinner together, he almost says no. not out of a desire to be alone, but because he doesn't want to inconvenience lxc. wwx is a grown man, after all, and needs to be able to live and work on

his own, and not depend on others to look after him all the time.
luckily, something makes him not send that reply. makes him remember that lxc isn't just his brother-in-law, but that they've decided to keep and raise a child together. makes him remember lxc in the guestroom

on sunday, saying how he needed wwx not to be "others". and earlier, lxc crying his heart out in his hall from being told he wouldn't be alone.
he shows up at lxc's apartment in the early evening with the eggs lxc asked him to bring. they make fried rice, shoulder to shoulder in

lxc's kitchen, and through a mix of careful questions and alternately encouraging and comforting hums, lxc makes wwx tell him about last night. what they said, what happened, was a-yuan terribly upset? wwx answers as best he can, but it's not easy to make guesses at what a

22-year old thinks or feels deep inside.
"i think mostly he was shocked" he says at last, when they've not only cooked but also finished their meal, but are still sitting oppsite each other at the table. "he might feel different when he's had the time to process i, but last

night, a-yuan wasn't really angry or upset so much as he was shocked."
"what did you tell him, then?" lxc asks.
"the truth. that i love him and that he can be as upset with me as he wants or needs, but that won't change." he glances up, notices the worried frown on lxc's

expression. "are you worried about tomorrow?"
lxc nods.
"i feel like i've let him down. i... i don't know how to handle that. if he's disappointed or angry with me."
"you'll figure it out" wwx says, which probably isn't helpful but at least true. "and if it's any comfort, i don't

think he's disappointed with you, or even that upset. that's more on me, I think. you... he was worried about you."
that little 'are you okay?' in between tears. wwx remembers it clearly.
lxc's expression grows even more worried and, seemingly unconsciously, he wraps his arms

around himself. wwx clears the table, and later, after they've watched some show, it's not even a question of whether wwx should stay or not.
they undress each other in the soft light of the lamps on the nightstands, a slow, intimate dance, full of glances and nods as one's

hands sketch the contours of the other's body and, piece by piece, divests it of clothes.
they're not having sex, that's not what it is. wwx isn't sure exactly what it is; neither of them have put it into words. familiarising themselves, perhaps. getting to know each other

through touch and sight, a body both so familiar and yet so new and strange. finding all those little imperfections that life leaves upon a body. marks and scars, the experiences of living inscribed on the body that lived them.
lxc's hands move to his stomach when wwx pulls off

his undershirt, the very last piece of clothing. it seems to be a reflexive gesture, because he flushes and lowers his hands almost instantly, allowing wwx to look, to touch.

[break]

lxc sucks in a tiny breath when wwx places his hand on lxc's chest, the space just below his pecs and just above the stomach. shivers, when wwx moves that same hand around and over the bump, caressing the change that this experience is bringing to his body, the contours of a

life barely yet begun.
"have you told anyone at work?" wwx asks quietly, unsurprised when lxc shakes his head.
"no, not yet. i haven't found the words. or the courage, rather."
wwx doesn't say the obvious: that he's running out of time. there's an edge to lxc's voice that rings

of the tone he used when he said 'i'm already beginning to show", and even more so last sunday, the 'that's what they do!' - something that is neither bitterness nor helplessness, but something inbetween. a feeling of facing something inevitable, and not yet knowing how to do it.

"i know it's not usually your style" wwx says instead, "but if it was me, i'd be in everyone's face about it. like, i'm here, i'm queer, and i fucking dare you to breathe a single unsupportive word about it." he swipes his thumb slowly over the rounded curve of the tiny belly.

"this bump deserves to be shown off. or at least to grow in peace and comfort. and their father deserves to feel comfortable and safe."
he searches for lxc's gaze, but he cannot quite read it. there's warmth and sadness, and something perhaps like fondness, but wwx doesn't

know what it means, not with lxc.
"we'll figure it out" he adds. "regardless of what you want to do."
they put on pajamas and get into bed. when the lights are turned off, wwx curls up behind lxc and puts his arm around him. lxc's hand finds his, intertwines their fingers and

pulls wwx a little closer still.
"i think i'd like that" he says quietly. "this once. to be in everyone's face."
"mmm" wwx hums, pressing a kiss to his shoulder, squeezing his fingers tight. "our baby is not a shameful secret, and neither is your body."

they stay like that until lxc runs out of tears, and fall asleep still curled up together, their hands still joined protectively over lxc's stomach.

lxc goes to see a-yuan on wednesday, and so this time it's wwx who stalks restlessly through the rooms of his home, waiting

either for a phonecall or to hear the sounds of a car on the driveway. he's only exchanged a couple of texts with his son since they parted on monday, and while he is convinced that a-yuan will ultimately be okay with what's happening, he feels less certain about predicting what

will happen before that. what if he is angry, what if he does feel betrayed? not only by wwx, which is a devastating thought but unfortunately a likely one, but also by lxc? that's somehow even more heartbreaking. a-yuan and xichen have always had a close relationship, and it has

always been said that if for some reason a-yuan needed an adult who wasn't his parents, xichen would be that person. jyl and jc would be there for him as well, of course, wwx has no doubt they always will, but it was lxc who was named a-yuan's guardian in wwx's and lwj's will;

lxc who was listed a-yuan's emergency contact after his parents - lxc who, they all told a-yuan, would always open his door for him and hear him out and not automatically side with his parents.
what if that relationship has been damaged, irreparably? what if a-yuan loses his

trust not only in his single living parent, but also in his uncle? the mere thought of it is almost unbearable.
lxc arrives late, by good lan boy standards, and he looks worn, so wwx directs him into the sofa and pushes a mug of tea into his hands, and waits for him to talk.

"he was angry" lxc says at last. "at first. but it was like he didn't want to be, only needed to, in order to get past it to the other emotions."
wwx nods. in a desperate attempt to protect oneself and one's emotions, anger is easy to emulate. lashing out, acting as though you've

been wronged when all you feel is hurt, can make it easier to accept apologies and comfort after.
"what did he say?"
"i- i think what it boiled down to was that he was upset i hadn't told him i was intersex."
"it's not like you kept it a secret from him on purpose?"

lxc makes a face that is not quite a grimace, but full of guilt.
"... did you?"

[break]

"i have not outright lied to him about it" lxc allows, "but i could have told him. just like i could have told you. that i have not, does that not mean that i've kept it from you?"
"you had no reason to tell me, before" wwx points out. "i didn't need to know."

lxc doesn't reply, so wwx nudges him gently, asks: "has a-yuan? needed to know?"
he realises that it's not the best way he could have phrased that question, but he thinks lxc takes his meaning anyway. there can be no way a-yuan has needed to know about his uncle anatomy

for his survival or physical well-being, but what about mentally? emotionally? part of wwx despairs at the thought that his son might have needed something from an adult and not turned to him for it - that a-yuan might need something and he won't know about it or even realise -

but another part tells him that this is exactly the role lxc has always taken in a-yuan's life. to be another adult, someone who is not a parent but a steady, dependable presence in his life, someone to turn to.
"we've- we've talked quite a lot about identity, over the years" lxc

says. "not only in terms of gender and sexual identity, but... i suppose he feels like i should have mentioned it, at some point."
"why didn't you?" wwx asks, even though he suspects he knows the answer. he remembers what lxc said that first night they spent together: not trans,

*just born like this*, matter-of-factly. he could be wrong, of course, but regardless of what the answer might be, perhaps lxc needs to remind himself of it.
"because it didn't feel relevant" lxc says. he seems to have forgotten his tea entirely. "it is part of my identity, of

course, more so now than it has been in a long time, but... that's just it. it has been a long time since it mattered."
his thumb strokes the rim of the mug as he considers.
"my family always accepted my identity and supported me in expressing it. whatever dysphoria i felt as

a teenager, whatever longing i had for a body more..." he gestures, as though grasping for words, "typical, it's been decades. perhaps i'm just cherrypicking my memories, but i can't recall having ever questioned my identity. maybe because i've always had a medical explanation

for it."
he falls silent, but he seems to be deep in though still, and wwx does not speak. a few moments later, lxc says:
"even now, i don't. i've felt more dysphoric this past month than i have in the past thirty years, and it's made me feel uncertain and even afraid of how

others will see me - but to my own mind, my gender remains firmly unchanged. so while i haven't told a-yuan about it before, it wasn't so much out of a desire to keep it a secret, only..."
"it wasn't relevant" wwx repeats lxc's words back at him when it's clear he's trailed off.

"and you are a private person."
"i am" lxc agrees, with a faint smile. "but i can't be private about this anymore, can i?"
he moves his arms away from in front of him, looks down at his stomach.
"a-yuan asked to see it" he says. "soon, people won't have to ask."

[break]

he's right. wwx sees the bump now because he knows to look for it, but it won't be long until lxc's colleagues will notice his body changing, and after them, people on the street. people who don't know him but who will probably stare and whisper and make assumptions,

because lxc is tall and broad-shouldered and does not look at all like someone who could also be pregnant.
"fuck those other people."
the words are out of his mouth before he can stop them, but although lxc startles at them, wwx doesn't regret it.

"it's none of their business" wwx says. "the only person you owed any kind of explanation to was a-yuan, and he knows now, right?"
"he does" lxc agrees, looking slightly dazed and as though he is trying to keep up with wwx's sharp turns.
"and do you think he'll be okay with it?"

lxc hesitates, but only for a moment.
"yes. we had a good talk, and while i think he still feels confused and upset, he's not so angry with us that he wants us to leave him alone. he even said he wanted to be there when we tell the rest of the family."

wwx smiles at the choice of words: 'the family'. not 'his', not 'yours' - just 'the'.
"he'll be okay with it" he says. "and our family will be, too, once jiang cheng has processed it. but seriously, xichen-ge, all the other people... you don't owe them anything, and they have

no right to your body, no matter how much you're showing."
lxc looks at him with a glint of amusement shining through the tiredness in his eyes.
"you said something about being in their face about it" he says. "last night."

"and you said you thought you'd like to be" wwx replies, feeling closer to a mischievous grin than he has in literal months. "this once."
for a long moment, lxc simply studies him in silence. then nods.
"yes, although to be perfectly honest, i have not the slightest idea on

how to go about it. i've never been in anyone's face about anything."
that much is probably true, but wwx probably has enough experience in that department for both of them.
"you know what we should do?" he says, reaching out to take lxc's mug of tea out of his hands.

"...no?" lxc asks, swallowing.
wwx sets the cup on the table.
"we should get you some new clothes. proper ones."

at first, lxc only blinks. then understanding dawns on him and his expression unfolds into a smile, brittle but so full of yearning it takes wwx's breath away.
"yes please" lxc says, his voice almost pleading.
wwx reaches for his phone.

[break]

it probably shouldn't come as a surprise, but there are disappointingly few options for queer pregnancy clothes. although google gives quite a lot of hits for the search query itself, it also asks "did you mean maternity clothes?" before listing them, which... ugh.

the hits themselves are also, well, not great. the ads section only shows a gallery of trousers from sports brands, and the top 10 website hits all reference the same brand that seemingly appeared and disappeared within a year, over five years ago, and that's it.

other queries yield even more disappointing results, and, like, wwx knows, obviously, that the number of cis women going through pregnancy vastly outnumber the queer people who do so. and he knows that pregnancy wear isn't inherently, toxically feminine with frills and flowers,

but honestly? he'd expected the world to have taken at least some tiny little ant-step out of the strict gender binary. at least enough so for there to some little queer etsy shop or something!
"let's just browse for women's maternity clothes" lxc says after a little while.

"there's bound to be tank tops and shirts, at least."
there are, thankfully, as well as jeans and cardigans and hoodies. far from all of them look good, and only a handful look like they could pass for something lxc would normally wear - but that's just online shopping in a

nutshell, isn't it? no, that's nothing, compared to the three very real problems they're now facing.
first, the sizes. lxc is long-legged and broad-shouldered, but he has narrow hips and no breasts - "at least i hope not" he winces - which means that, going by the measurements

almost every trouser they find is too short, and all the shirts and tops too narrow in the back. they manage to find filters to help them narrow the results down to actually viable options, but it still takes a lot of scrutinising each piece of clothing to try and judge whether

it might actually fit.
this ties into the second problem: the images. almost every garment is shown either as worn by a heavily pregnant woman, or... blown up, so to speak, as though to illustrate the body meant to wear them. even if no woman is shown wearing them, there are

female bodies shown in every curve of each garment, from rounded breasts to wide hips and thick thighs, and that's... fine, wwx supposes, but that's not what lxc looks like. the only curve on his body is the baby bump, everything else is lines and planes and angles, and it's

almost impossible to imagine what any of these clothes would look like on him, or, conversely, what he would look like in them.
and there is the third problem, which isn't so much theirs as it is wwx's: imagining lxc, pregnant. not just with the little bump he has now, but with a

*belly*. lxc, heavily pregnant, with his hand on his stomach, round and protruding, with its little inhabitant kicking and vaulting in there.
it makes wwx a little short of breath, truth to be told, and quite a lot horny.
"wuxian?" lxc asks as they add a knitted cardigan to the

cart, "are you... quite alright?"
wwx nods: of course he is. quite alright. absolutely dandy. freaking fantastic, actually! also very, very, hard.
"yep!" he says. "did you want to take a closer look at that longsleeved top? the apple green one?"
no answer; just lxc studying him

intently, brows slightly furrowed.
"are you..." he begins a moment later, "...is this turning you on?"
for a split second, wwx is convinced lxc is going to reach down between his legs and feel the answer out for himself. he doesn't, thankfully, because wwx mgiht have come on

the spot if he had.
"umm..." he stalls, inelegantly, which really is an answer in itself, isn't it? "yeah? kind of?"
he glances away, feels his cheeks heat.
"i, um... may have a bit of a pregnancy kink."
understatement of the year, that. he couldn't count the number of times

*that* particular fantasy made it into his and lwj's bed. only, of course, with the exception that in most of those fantasies and roleplays, *he* was the pregnant one.
"sorry."
lxc frowns, enough so to make a line appear between his brows.
"why?"

"because... argh, it's not the pictures, okay?" he gestures with the phone in his hand, the screen still alive with row upon row of images. "it's not this cardigan or those jeans, earlier."
his eyes dart to lxc's face.

"it's the thought of you" he says, more quietly. "wearing them. needing to wear them, because you'll be pregnant. *more* pregnant."
it feels... not wrong, maybe. he wouldn't have hesitated to tell lwj how he felt, if he'd been here. but knowing how divided lxc seems to feel

about his body and the pregnancy and others seeing it, it feels disrespectful. objectifying, almost, as though he'd be little more to wwx than a fantasy for his pleasure.
"oh" lxc says, and then again. "oh."
"i'm sorry" wwx says again. he feels so stupid, so... grossly *male*.

"you... like that?" lxc asks tentatively. "the thought of me, looking-"
he too gestures at the phone, the images of large, round bellies swelling under soft jersey.
"yeah", barely loud enough to be heard.
"oh."

slowly, lxc reaches out for the phone. wwx lets him take it, watches as he switches the screen off and puts it away on the coffee table, and then as he takes off his sweater. wwx has no idea what's going on, but he dares hardly breathe, much less speak.

not until lxc takes his hand and brings it to his stomach. the small, gentle curve under his palm; growing.
"what are you doing?" he whispers.
"you like this?" lxc asks again, not angrily, not confrontational at all, but more like he's on the verge of something.

tears or understanding or a great unknown, or all of them at once. "you like my body like this?"
"yes? xichen-ge, i don't understand-"
"i don't know that i do" lxc says, looking him right in the eyes. "i don't know that i would want a body that looks like mine, that looks the way

mine will. but i- i-" his resolve buckles, he glances down, away, then back at wwx again, "if you do, then maybe that'll make it easier to- i mean, maybe you won't mind..."
it finally clicks.
"xichen-ge" he says, deliberately slowly. "are you asking me if i want to have sex?"

lxc's ears go an instant, burning red. for a moment he sits absolutely frozen, but then he nods.
"yes" he whispers. "but it doesn't have to- i mean-"
"yes" wwx cuts him off. "yes, i do."
he palms the swell of the little bump, and is delighted to see lxc actually suck in breath

at the touch.
"as long as you want to and feel comfortable with it. do you? want to?"
"yes" lxc says, "you have no idea-"
then he cuts himself off, pushes wwx onto his back on the couch, and starts unbuttoning his trousers.

[break]

wwx's mind reels as he watches lxc strip out of his trousers and sweater. lxc doesn't mind? here wwx's been, growing simultaneously hornier and hornier, and more and more embarrassed about both his thoughts and his body's reaction, and lxc- doesn't mind? if anything,

he seems relieved, the way he peels off his clothes and turns to look at wwx like-
oh.
wwx fumbles with his zipper, but even that slight touch makes him suck in breath, and when lxc pulls his trousers off, he moans at the friction of the fabric as it drags over his cock.

still sitting by wwx's feet on the couch, wearing only a t-shirt, lxc eyes the tent in wwx's boxers with more desire than wwx has ever seen in him before. there is a hunger in his eyes that only grows more intense as he leans in and down and mouths at wwx's erection through the

underwear. they are kisses, wet and hot, and wwx's breath hitches with each new kiss placed on him.
"xi-xichen-ge" he whimpers. "too- feels too good-"
he hasn't felt this hard in over a year, but he also feels like he could probably come from this alone - lxc's mouth through

cotton - and he doesn'twant that.
he wants to give lxc what he so obviously needs right now; wants to be the one who feeds that hunger he just glimpsed in lxc's hunger - and if he comes now, well, there's no saying if he can be, later.

he's just about to try and say something about that, when lxc laves at the tip of his cock and all that comes out of wwx's mouth is a strangled, shivery "ooooohhh".
lxc chuckles, and the gush of his breath against the moist fabric makes wwx whimper again.

"you really want me" lxc says, and even wwx can tell it's not a question.
"yes" he pants, reaching down with one hand to catch lxc's face, to hold it and maybe caress it a little, only lxc catches his hand easily and kisses the base of his thumb. "please, xichen-ge..."

"you want me to fuck you? should i ride you?"
"yes-" wwx breathes, more desperate than he thought he felt, but his answer almost disappears as lxc moves above him.
"you want to see me" lxc says, his voice husky but with a hint of fear in it as he pulls wwx's boxers off of him.

"see me while i fuck you."
"yes, please, fuck, xichen-"
he's only vaguely aware of lxc climbing over him and seating himself over wwx's cock; he's pushing his head back against the pillow so hard his back is alreayd arching against the couch, and he only arches further as he

feels lxc's wet heat envelop and sink down over him. one of them exhales shakily, or maybe both of them do, and then lxc begins to move and wwx moans.
"look at me" lxc says, but wwx can't. he's all sensitive cock and racing heart and running out of breath, and he might just come

right here and now, he can't *look*, but-
"look at me" lxc says again and it's an order now. wwx forces his eyes to open and focus on the man sitting astride him, riding him. he's dressed only in his t-shirt and the baby bump is clearly visible underneath the cotton,

even more so as the t-shirt has ridden up a bit.
"you like what you see?" lxc asks, sounding a little out of breah now as he picks up the pace. "you like seeing me like this, wuxian?"
"*yes*" wwx agrees, head spinning and cock aching inside lxc, "i like it, i like it..."

"look" lxc says again, and wwx can't do anything but - especially not when lxc reaches down to grab the hem of his t-shirt and pulls it slowly up over his head, revealing his stomach. small, perky, round, rolling against him with every roll of lxc's hips.

"you can watch" lxc says, stroking down the sides of his body with both hands. "you can look however much you want to." one of lxc's hands moves lower, to between them, no doubt in order to stroke himself, but the other cups his stomach. holds the roundness of it in one large

hand as he fucks himself on wwx's cock.
"i want to see" wwx answers, gasping between moans, "i want it, want you-"
"you can have it" lxc replies, just as breathlessly, stroking himself faster, "you can- you can- look, look-"haahh, i'm looking, ohh, holy... i'm looking-"

"it's yours, wwx, look, it's y-"
wwx comes with a sound like "hn-hn-nghghhhh~", although to be fair, he doesn't hear it himself. he feels lxc riding him through it, feels lxc roll with every wave of the orgasm as it hits him, and then the answering wave, and then everything is

muffled for a bit. he comes back around to the sensation of lxc half collapsed against his chest, warm and trembling, trying to find breath again just as much as wwx is.
"oh shit" wwx breathes, quite without intending to. "that was... what was that?"

lxc lets out a shaky laugh against his shoulder.
"that was you having a pregnancy kink" he says, and although he speaks quietly, he sounds amused, as well as perhaps a little embarrassed. "and me having a pregnancy."
he moves with a soft "oof", just slightly, and wwx winces

as he slides out. he has one arm around lxc, and his chest is heaving and his dick feels sticky and suddenly cold, but he feels good. good, and a bit fucked out of his mind.
"did it..." he begins, then has to swallow for how dry his mouth feels, "was it good for you, too? did

you enjoy it?"
"yes" lxc nearly whispers against his shoulder. "more so than i thought."
wwx thinks of the answering wave; the sensation of lxc closing all around him, coming over him, faster than has ever happened before.

[break]

"i think i could tell" wwx says. "it was over so quickly. you must've been as horny as i was, and i was ready to burst."
lxc breathes a laugh, and for a moment, that puff of air against his skin reminds wwx so strongly of lwj it makes his heart twinge.

"it's- well... yes, i was" lxc must be blushing, wwx can practically hear the red colour in his words. "very much so."
"from the clothes?"
he can't imagine it, and lxc shakes his head minutely.
"no, just..." his voice is barely even audible, "in general."
wwx turns his head

to look at him, but from this angle, with lxc resting against his chest and keeping his gaze averted, wwx can't get a good look at him.
"you were horny out of your mind for no particular reason at all? why didn't you tell me? or... let me know! i would've let you fuck me"

ten minutes earlier, too!"
and he would've come just as hard, he has no doubt about that. but lxc scoffs, albeit mildly.
"wuxian" he says patiently, "if i were to tell you every time i want to come, you would never get to do anything else."
it takes a full second for the coin to

drop, but when it does, wwx gapes.
"...for real?"
"mhm." lxc does not sound as happy about this as wwx imagines he himself would have done, and that is mind-boggling.
"*how?*"
"it's... well, it's hormones, isn't it, just like everything else?" he sounds flustered.

"i used to think of it as another sign of hitting menopause, but it's probably the pregnancy, now. it's been, ahem, increasing again, ever since the nausea started to disappear."
the hunger in his eyes; how wet he had been as he lowered himself onto wwx's cock, shivering

and panting heavily - so ready, when they hadn't really done anything.
to be fair, wwx had been no different - which had been surprising, honestly. nothing like coming into your 40's and losing your husband over the course of years to take care of such things as a sex drive.

"that's amazing" wwx says, unthinkingly. "but seriously though, xichen-ge, why didn't you tell me this time?"
it's not like either of them were on their way to work or anything? sure, it might not have been the best timing when they were still talking about a-yuan and lxc's

meeting with him, but after, when they were browsing for clothes? lxc could have just asked him to put the phone away. they've never made a big deal of it before, in these past few months, and it wouldn't be the first time it started out a little awkwardly, either?

"i thought-" lxc cuts himself off. "never mind."
which is just like begging someone to mind, isn't it?
"no, tell me" wwx says, "you thought...?"
lxc does not speak for several long moments.
"i thought it wasn't for me to ask for" he says eventually, so quietly that the words

are almost lost to the night.
"wasn't for you to-" wwx echoes slowly. then he shuffles out from under lxc and half sits up on the couch, staring down at lxc from all the elevated height leaning on his elbow gives him. "xichen-ge!"
he feels... angry. no, not angry - upset.

and lxc doesn't look at him, but keeps his gaze low, away.
"i've told you" wwx says. "you can ask for what you need, too. you get to have your needs met, too. wasn't that what we agreed on? that even if maybe we're using each other, that's fine?"
his throat feels raw, suddenly,

his chest hollow. he thought they were on the same page about this, unconventional and un-thought-through as it is. that it was okay to ask for this from each other: the comfort of companionship, whether in the form of tissues or hugs or sex. but if lxc hasn't felt like he too

can ask for those things, then they haven't been, and that means wwx has been using lxc. onesidedly.
his mouth tastes like ashes.
"we did" lxc says quietly. "but things have changed, haven't they? and *i've* changed. my body has, and it will change even more. it was a

large enough change for you to adjust to before, i had no reason to think you'd-" he swallows, and wwx notices how, unconsciously it seems, he puts his arms in front of himself, protecting his stomach. "i couldn't ask that of you."
"of course you could! xichen-ge..."

he lowers himself to lying down on the couch again, on his side and face to face with lxc, trying to catch his gaze, but lxc glances away.
"first, i almost came in my trousers from the mere thought of your body, so, that's obviously a moot point. second, don't think even for a

second that i don't like your cunt. sure, i was nervous and didn't know what it was doing at first, but that doesn't mean it's ever felt like a- like a chore or something? a duty? like i'm giving something up when i'm eating you out? why would you think that?"
he doesn't want to

sound as upset as he does, but he can't quite stop himself. it's late and there have been so many emotional turns tonight, and he can't stand not setting this record straight, right now.
"third, yes, my body is different than yours. but that i don't get hard that easily isn't

because i'm with you, it's because- because that's what happens to *my* body at this age. and also because of mourning and depression, i suppose. but that doesn't mean i don't want to be close to your or make you feel good? it doesn't mean i won't be happy to make you come, if

you want it?"
something glimmers on lxc's face and wwx stops in his tirade. stops, and lets out a breath that is perhaps more of a sigh, and leans in. places his hand on lxc's cheek, kisses the tear before it can fall into the couch, and leans his forehead against lxc's.

"and... shit, i forget which number i'm at-"
"fourth" lxc supplies quietly.
"fourth" wxx repeats equally softly, "this has got to go both ways. you can't let me get away with getting what i want, not without giving you what *you* want. or need."
but lxc shakes his head.

"i can't. it's not that easy."
"why not?"
lxc looks up for the first time in what feels like forever, and his dark eyes are wide and full of conflicting emotions. wwx catches desperation, and fondness, and sorrow, but there are a myriad more in that one, single gaze.

"because you are wangji's" lxc says, each word as clear as chrystal, and just as cutting. "not mine."

[break]

it as though all the air has been punched out of his lungs. the urge to protest wells up inside him, the need to tell lxc that he's wrong, so horribly wrong, but he can't say it.
because lxc is not wrong.
wwx belongs to lwj. always, still. from the start and until the end.

he knows this, and he knows that lxc knows it. perhaps he even knows it better, because for all of the things he and lwj shared, how close they always were, there were also so many things they did not. they both loved music, but never played the same instruments. enjoyed the same

books, but always dutifully returned them after borrowing them. moved in the same little circle of people, and yet lxc has not thought of them as his own friends.
looking so alike, sharing the same interests, maybe they needed them. all those invisible little lines, dividing the

world into 'mine' and 'yours'.
and wwx belongs to lwj.
and perhaps wwx is like one of those books, now. entrusted into lxc's care, entrusted to be looked after and cherished, but not, ultimately, lxc's.
not his to keep, not his to expect things from, because one day, he'll have

to give him back.
only lwj is never coming back.
"i can be yours, too" wwx manages to say at last. "not... not all of me, perhaps, but... i've never been only lan zhan's?"
his hand is on lxc's cheek, not so much caressing him as holding him, trying to convey his meaning by touch

as well as words.
"i've been my a-jie's didi, and a-yuan's baba, and huaisang's wei-xiong. i'll be our baby's baba, too, so... so why can't i be your wuxian?"
he can't be anyone else's wei ying. that name, that person, belongs only to lwj. but wuxian? he's been wuxian to lxc for

years already; has shown lxc sides of himself that few others know, shared so many fears and memories and regrets that he's never shared with anyone else. that part of him, for what it's worth, does belong to lxc.
but lxc shakes his head.
"i can't."

"you can" wwx says. he strokes his thumb over lxc's cheek, once, and then once more, and then again, hoping that the small gesture might calm him, reassure him. "you have to. maybe not right now, tonight, but from now on, we'll no longer be brothers-in-law. we'll be parents. it

won't be lan zhan binding us together, it'll be our child, and we'll need to ask things of each other for their sake, but also for ourselves. it won't work if you won't let me know when you need something from me. however small, or large. we won't work."

[break]

for a moment, it looks as though lxc is about to protest, but then he swallows.
"i can try?"
"will you?" wwx presses gently. "no lies, xichen-ge."
"i will try."
"okay. that's good enough for tonight."
it is; it must be. it was already late when they first sat down to talk, and

hours must have passed since then. it feels like ages since they browsed for clothes, not to mention spoke about a-yuan's and lxc's talk, but it feels... necessary. their relationship has changed so much in such a short time that all the getting to know each other,

finding each other out, has fallen behind. but there is a limit to how much soulsearching and philosophising one can take in one evening, and it is very late, so when lxc asks if it'd be okay if he went to bed, wwx is only too happy to accompany him.

they move through their nighttime routines in that semi-awkward way they have fallen into, where they know each other intimately and feel mostly comfortable moving in and out of each other's physical space, but still haven't figured out just how the other moves when they brush

their teeth or wash their face. their hips bump and their hands collide, and they smile sheepishly at each other in the bathroom mirror and after, wwx joins lxc in the guest bedroom. lxc lies down on his side and wwx curls up close behind him, makes himself into a spoon

big enough to hold both him and all the fears and doubts he carries. feels, just as he teeters on the edge of sleep, lxc's hand takes his and guides it down to the little bump. half-asleep, wwx caresses it with his thumb. it feels unreal, but at the same time also surreal.

too real to be comprehended, the sort of truth one cannot think about too long before the size of the thought becomes dizzying.
"our child" lxc whispers into the dark. "not mine, not yours. ours."
wwx smiles against his neck, fighting the pull of sleep as he recalls having this

realisation himself for the first time. the moment he realised that he was more than just himself, by himself; that he did not to stand alone.
"we" he mumbles into lxc's skin, and hugs him a little closer still. "us. ours."

the next day, wwx visits his sister for coffee as he promised he would do - or rather, as she informed him that he would, if he knew what was best for him. as expected, she wastes little time on pleasantries before she asks him to please start from the beginning and tell her

everything. so he does.
tells her the whole story again, but this time with all the details and nuances he forgot or couldn't express when he was here last, with lxc, and adds all the recent news of the last few days. he confesses how stupid he feels about not using a condom,

but also how he could not imagine, even for a moment, asking lxc to have an abortion. that he doesn't think they're making a mistake, but that he knows others probably won't understand. that he is worried about a-yuan, despite how his own talk with his son went, and despite

lxc's talk with him. worried about lxc, too, because lxc appears to be more alone than wwx ever realised before, and although he wants to keep the baby, the pregnancy might take a mental and emotional toll on him that he hasn't been able to even fathom yet.

"i don't know how to support him through that" he confesses. "i barely know how to comfort him when he's grieving, and we've done that together for half a year. he said he's already been feeling dysphoric, and i don't think he knows how to go about telling people at his job about

the pregnancy, and i don't know how to be there for him about any of it. i don't know *him* well enough to know."
"i think you know him better than you realise" his sister says. "and more importantly, you know yourself. when he figures out a way to ask you for what he needs,

whether that is comfort or advice or help, you will know how well you can provide it for him, or if you need help from somewhere else. as for his loneliness..."
she braids her fingers together, neatly in her lap.
"a lot of women join groups of other expecting mothers, to share

experiences and concerns and find friends in people who are a a similar place in life. although i understand that a-chen might not feel comfortable joining such a group, i think that those kinds of spaces might be important for him to have. places where he can be himself, and

people he can be himself with, but also spaces where there is room to talk about his pregnancy, if he wants to."
"are you saying you want to stand in for xichen-ge's pregnancy support group, jiejie? because that is what it sounds like."
"well, i am" she replies promptly, but

then her voice changes into something softer, gentler. "i may not be pregnant now, but i have been, and i've seen many pregnancies. and a-chen is family. i don't want him to feel as though he is going through something like this alone when he's not."

[break]

something about the way she says it makes wwx think she isn't talking about lxc's loneliness. he hasn't told her about it in any great detail, hasn't mentioned that night when lxc broke down at being told he wasn't alone, only that he doesn't seem to have many close friends

outside their own little circle. this, though, what she is saying now, is something else.
"did you feel alone?" he asks. "when you were expecting?"
"yes." she smiles at him. "sometimes, it doesn't matter how loving and attentive one's partner is, or one's siblings, or how often

friends come to visit. at the end of the day, although others may have gone through similar ordeals, some experiences can never truly be shared. being pregnant was such a thing, for me. even though we had planned for it, even though I had wanted it for so long, it was still

a change that was out of my control. what i wanted and what i needed were not always the same things, and some days i felt like my body was no longer mine. being able to talk with others who felt similarly helped."
she reaches out and wwx reflexively opens his hand for her to

take.
"tell a-chen that my door is always open for him, if he wants to talk. about the pregnancy or anything else. i'll tell him myself, too."
"thanks jiejie" wwx says with a nod.
"and you, my dear a-xian?"
"hm? what about me?"
"do you have all the support you need?"

the skin of her hand is slightly wrinkly, but her hold on him is soft and warm. all their lives her hands have given him comfort and guidance, steadied him when he's been knocked off-kilter, and wwx knows that she still will, but they also both know that her hands are not large

enough to hold all of him.
"i... i don't know yet. i think it'll be easier once we start telling people. i'll know better then."
"what about your therapist? have you seen her since you came back?"
he shakes his head; there hasn't been time. jyl tuts gently, and wwx groans and

whips out his phone. once he has made the call and entered the appointment into his calendar, he allows himself to sag gracelessly against his sister's side with a deep sigh.
"happy now?"
"yes, very" she says warmly. "you'll feel better too, won't you? when you can unload some

of all this?"
"...yes" wwx admits with a sigh. "tons."
"i thought so." she pats his leg, as though in reward, and he leans closer against her with another sigh.
"hey, jiejie?"
"yes, a-xian?"
"i'm going to be a dad."
"yes." he hears her smile.
"again."
"yes."

"only this time with xichen-ge."
"mhm."
"...do you think i'll be any good at it? not just being a dad, but- being a good part- being good to him?"
"yes" his sister says again, and even his fretful mind cannot find the slighest trace of a lie in her voice. "i think you will. you

have loved each other for a long time already, haven't you?"

[break]

for a moment, wwx is taken aback by her question, but only for that one, single moment. then he sinks back against her with a sigh.
"yeah" he says quietly. "it's almost impossible not to, you know? he was just always... there."
after all, lxc is kind, and caring, and so

capable of love. he is also intelligent, someone you could easily spend a whole night talking to, just letting your mind roam from one topic to the next, and an incredibly skilled artist and musician. as a brother-in-law, and even more so as an uncle to a-yuan, he has always been

supportive and dependable, but all else pales in comparison to how devoted he was to his brother.
"did you know" wwx begins, but has to stop and clear his throat because even the thought of it makes him tear up, "he used to give lan zhan manicures? all through

that last year, even when he was so ill he could barely open his eyes, xichen-ge would do his nails for him? he'd bring this little towel and a bowl of warm water and files and oil and polish, and take care of his nails for him."
he and lwj could spend an hour together like that,

just the two of them, with barely a word shared between them. at the end, lwj had not even been able to acknowledge his brother's presence, but lxc had still done it. similarly, every day he would take lan zhan's hands gently in his own and massage lotion into them, to keep the

skin moisturised and smooth. comb his hair, sometimes even style it a little with some product, or braid it.
"i didn't get it at first" wwx continues with a sniff. "it didn't seem like it could matter, you know? but this one afternoon, i got home a little earlier, and i guess

i hadn't made a lot of noise because when i came to the bedroom door, none of them noticed me. xichen-ge was sitting on the edge of the bed and he was applying some lip balm to lan zhan's lips with his finger and he said- he said-"
he wipes at his eyes with fingers, but it

doesn't help.
"he said 'there, now you'll be ready to give your husband a proper kiss when he gets back h-home'."
his voice breaks on the last vowel, turns the word into a wail. he remembers seeing lan zhan look up at his brother with a smile, brittle and faint as exhaustion and

illness had already carved deep lines in his face, his 'thank you, xiongzhang' so thin it almost couldn't be made out.
"did he?" jyl asks gently, offering him a handkerchief she must have magicked out of thin air. "kiss you?"
"yeah" wwx nods, smiling through his tears.

"smiling so wide you'd never have believed it."
it hadn't been for wwx's sake, of course. not the lip balm or the lotion or the nailcare. it was all for lwj, for his comfort and his sense of self, for him to feel clean and proper and beautiful, the way he had always cared for

himself but no longer could. "i hadn't realised he needed that" wwx continues after dabbing at his eyes and blowing his nose. "and i don't know if he told xichen-ge or if he figured it out himself, but... he gave lan zhan that."

that had been the first time he had begun to realise not only just how much lxc and lwj loved each other, but also how much he himself loved lxc. and he had loved lan xichen before that, and would grow to love him even more as time passed. love him for the way he'd read to

lan zhan, love him for the way he'd take a-yuan out for the movies, love him for the way he'd come into the bedroom in the middle of the night to hold lwj through his night terrors. those nights, when lwj would cry and beg them

to not let him die, he didn't want to die, please, please! - how they'd curl up on either side of him and hold him despite all the tubes and needles until he fell back asleep again - wwx had loved lxc then. loves him now, for all the things he has given of so freely for so long.

but maybe that was when it started, that afternoon, with a gentle index finger and some lip balm, and that smile he'd seen the two brother's share.
"he was always there" he says again, "both for lan zhan, and for me."
"and now you're there for him" jyl says. "and so am i. and so

will our family be, and your friends, once they know."
she sighs a little, but she is stroking his back and holding him, so he dares to stay as he is, cuddled up to her, probably soaking her cardigan with his tears.
"i won't pretend i wasn't worried when you told me" she says.

"not that i was afraid you were making a mistake, but- you can be very impulsive, a-xian. and you are still healing. and a-chen is... he was so very close with both you and a-ji."
it stings, hearing her words. not because he hasn't thought them himself, not because he couldn't

guess that people would think of it like this, but because he knows that she's speaking out of genuine concern.
"i'm not delusional, jiejie" he mumbles. "i know lan zhan is never coming back, and i know xichen-ge can't replace him. if anyone knows that, it's me."

"i know" she says soothingly, and pats his back again. "i just don't want to see you hurt."
she sighs again, and leans her head down on his.
"i'll always worry about you, my a-xian, my didi. but you're not seventeen anymore, and you're a lot wiser than you were then. i trust

that you and a-chen have talked this through, and i trust that you both love and care enough for each other that you can do this together. and i know that you'll be good to each other, because you have been for so long already. that doesn't mean it'll be easy; in fact i think

that both of you need to learn how to let yourselves be taken care of again, and not only be caregivers. but as long as you both try your best, and talk to each other, and remember to accept help from other people, then yes, i think you'll be good."

wwx squeezes his eyes shut and swallows against the rising tears. futilely, it turns out, as he is soon crying onto his sister's shoulder again. but he feels good when he leaves her house an hour later, lighter and reassured in a way he hasn't in quite some time.

they'll be good. they will.

[break]

he doesn't meet lxc that night, and they have made no plans to meet up the next day either. however, as wwx is packing up his things at work to head for home for the weekend, there's a message from lxc, asking if he can come by later. wwx replies that of course he can, he'll

be home in 45 minutes, does lxc want to have dinner? he receives an infinitely polite "thank you, i would appreciate that" in reply, and wwx pockets his phone and doesn't think much more about it. he stops by the store on his way home to get some groceries, but that's about it.

after all, lxc coming over for dinner isn't something new.
wwx is in the middle of slicing and chopping up veggies for a stir fry when lxc arrives. he has his own set of keys and lets himself in with a low "i'm here", so it's only when wwx hears his steps entering the kitchen

that he says "hi xichen-ge, how's your day be-"
the question fades as he looks up and sees lxc standing in the doorway, pale-faced and wide-eyed and with his lips pressed tightly together. sees him swallow, and then:
"i told my boss" lxc says, so quickly the words come out almost

as one. "i told her about the- the pregnancy."
"oh shit-"
wwx has already dropped the knife and the bell pepper on the cutting board and walks up to him, arms held out as though ready to catch him, because lxc looks as though he might faint.
he doesn't, though, but there is

something like panic in his eyes and wwx takes him by the hand and drags him over to the table where he pushes him gently down into a chair. he sits down himself, too, right next to lxc, and turns toward him so they can face each other.
"are you okay?" he asks, and when lxc

doesn't answer right away, continues, "xichen-ge, you okay? how did she react? what did she say? if she said something discriminating, if she - she didn't fire you, did she? i'll go to fucking war-"
"she did not fire me" lxc says, his voice sounding a little dry, but also

faint, like he's still trying to process whatever happened.
"what then? xichen-ge?"
"she..." lxc swallows again. "she was... fine. i didn't- i hadn't dared think she would be, that's why i waited until today, until after lunch, so i could go home if things... but she was fine."

he blinks, once, twice; shakes his head.
"surprised, at first, of course, but she- she listened to me, i had this whole speech, and then she *thanked* me. for coming to see her in person, she said, for trusting her enough not to have sent an e-mail."
"that sounds like a

pretty good reaction" wwx says and gives lxc's hand an encouraging squeeze. "did she say anything else?"
"she- yes. we had a talk. a good one. she asked me... so many things, really. nothing invasive, but how i felt, if there were things about work i worried about, if and how i

wanted to tell my colleagues, if i wanted to work more from home than i already do... she wrote it all down, i hadn't... i hadn't expected that."
the last few words are barely louder than a whisper, but wwx hears them well enough. the words, and the well of emotions behind them.

all the words lxc does not say.
"i felt seen" lxc continues. "and genuinely cared for."
"oh sweetie..."
he knows that lxc had been worried, knows that he too must have conjured so many worst case scenarios of all the ways a talk like this could go wrong.

that it hasn't - or seems like it hasn't - must be such a relief.
"do you know what happens next?" he asks. lxc shakes his head at first, but then stops, cocks his head slightly.
"she said she'd talk to hr for me, and then she'll be there when i tell the others, next week."

"that's good" wwx says. it is. it is more support than they could have hoped for, or realistically expected, sad as that is. "and clients?"
"no. i told her i didn't want to engage with clients and she- she said it was okay."
wwx smiles.
"this is great news" he says. "i'm so happy

for you, and you should be so proud of yourself."
"proud?" lxc echoes, the bewilderment in his voice replaced by amused disbelief.
"yes. you did something you had been really worried about today, something that scared you, but you did it. that's definitely something to be

proud of."
for a moment, lxc looks as though he might argue, so wwx leans in to press his lips to lxc's forehead, as both distraction and reward. it works perfectly, if the reddened cheeks and lack of protest is anything to go by.
"well done" wwx says warmly, before he leans back

again, raising lxc's hands between them. "how are we going to celebrate this?"
"celebrate?"
"yes! of course we have to celebrate! you can't have a drink, obviously, and i don't think i have any alcohol at home anyway, but we need to do *something*."

lxc is still blushing, it's adorable.
"i don't think that's necessary" he says, and makes as though to move. "dinner is more than enough. what are we having? can i help?"
wwx shakes his head, but he rises from his seat as well.
"don't think you can distract me from this by being

helpful" he says warningly, one finger raised for emphasis. "i'm telling you, we will celebrate this, somehow."
"mhm" lxc says, drying his hands and picking up the bell pepper from the cutting board.
"alcohol's not happening, but what about eating out? no?" wwx steps

closer to lxc, notices the still present, albeit faint, flush over his cheeks. decides to- poke, just a little. "or maybe... i should eat you out?"
"wuxian!" lxc sputters, the flush returning in full force to his cheeks and neck. wwx laughs and picks up the bell pepper that fell

out of lxc's hand, brings it to the sink to rinse it again. his heart feels light, so light, in his chest.
"don't worry, xichen-ge" he says. "let's save that for the dessert."
lxc's face remains bright red for a long while. the sight of it warms wwx from the inside out.

[break]

in the end, there is no eating out that night, not of any variety. the dinner is nice; simple, because wwx is still not and never will be a great chef, but relaxed and easy, as though heavy burdens have been lifted from both their shoulders, even if only for tonight.

wwx can tell that lxc is the more exhausted of the two of them though, so when lxc says he might go upstairs to grab a shower after dinner, wwx suggests that he take a bath instead.
when lxc returns downstairs an hour later, he is dressed in pajamas and slippers, and there is a

softness to him as he sits down in the couch where wwx is watching a movie. it is only ten minutes later that wwx understands that softness for what it is, as lxc seems to be fighting to keep his eyes open.

"hey" wwx calls gently, "you can go to bed, you know, if you're sleepy. you don't have to stay up for my sake."
but lxc shakes his head.
"no" he mumbles, "i don't want to."
there's just the tiniest bit of petulance in his voice, mixed in with the exhaustion and sleepiness, and

wwx can't help but smile.
"okay. you want to come here then?" he pats the space next to him on the couch, where the divan piece makes it possible to stretch out one's legs. he doesn't really think lxc will agree, but it's only a matter of a few seconds before lxc nods and

wordlessly moves over, motions slow and slightly sluggish. it seems as though he means to lie down, but when wwx reaches out for him and directs him to rest his head against wwx's chest, lxc follows willingly. he curls up next to wwx and puts one arm around him, as though holding

on.
"are you good?" he asks quietly. "comfy?"
lxc hums softly in what appears to be confirmation. his skin is still warm from the bath and his hair smells faintly of shampoo, and when wwx pulls him a little closer, he burrows his face sleepily against wwx's sweater.

wwx's heart aches with fondness.
"good" he whispers. "go to sleep, a-huan. it's been a long day, and you've been so brave."
a day, a week, a month - all of them long times to carry so much fear and worry.

having that talk with his boss must have lifted a lot of them away for lxc, and he deserves the rest - even if he refuses to go to bed alone.
lxc doesn't answer; he's already fast asleep.

[break]

getting an exhausted and deeply asleep lxc to wake up enough to move from the couch to the bed turns out to be much more difficult even than corralling a drunk lwj. in the end, wwx simply fetches pillows and blankets and curls up next to lxc, and falls asleep within minutes.

he wakes up the next morning to a hand on his cheek and softly spoken words, and drifts off to sleep again before he can grasp what they were.
when he wakes up a second time, it is to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and breakfast, and the sound of classical music. he doesn't

recognise the piece, but he knows the habit, and smiles to himself as he opens his eyes and, just as he knew he would, sees lxc on the living room floor, in the middle of his yoga routine. he looks both at ease and at peace as he goes through the motions,

stretching and bending every which way. strong and healthy. gently alive.
wwx blinks away the tears and gets up to join him.
it's a slow morning, which is nice but also incredibly frustrating for wwx's brain. with lwj, he'd gladly spend a saturday off

in bed - or, to be fair, any horizontal or vertical surface available - but he can't really do that with lxc, can he? it's not them, it never has been, but they don't really have any other routines together either. especially not for lazy saturdays.
that's why he's almost

bouncing off the walls with projects he could do, but can't really find the clarity of mind to start on, when lxc gets a notification that there's a delivery available for pickup. given that he's only placed two online orders recently, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that

it must be the first bunch of the pregnancy clothes they ordered the other night. grasping at the straw provided to him by fate, he very nearly begs lxc to go and pick them up, and so they do.

it's a good thing they take the car, because it's a fairly large box, and lxc looks positively overwhelmed when they've laid it all out on the kitchen table.
"i did not realise quite how much we ordered" he says faintly, picking up a top from one of the piles. "and this is only

half of it."
"i mean, yeah, i guess, but you are getting a whole new wardrobe, xichen-ge, and we don't even know how much of this you'll actually want to keep."
"i suppose you're right..."

"of course i'm right" wwx says brightly, and shoves a pair of trousers at him instead. "go on, let's try them on."
lxc pales.
"i'm sorry?"
"so we can know if they fit! and if you even like them!"
"here?"
he gestures at the table, the kitchen at large.

"yeah! or we can go upstairs to one of the bedrooms, i guess?"
"you want to come along?"
"of course!" wwx replies, and only belatedly realises that maybe he is pushing at something he shouldn't be pushing at. "if that's okay with you?"

"i'm... yes? i just didn't realise-" he shakes his head. "nevermind. let's go upstairs."
so they do, with literal armfuls of clothes, and wwx leads them into the master bedroom because there's much more space both on the bed and in the room itself. he notices lxc glance

around the room, the way his gaze catches on the empty, pristinely made bed, but says nothing. instead he dumps his load of clothes on the bed and climbs atop it to sit down in the middle with his legs crossed, putting the garments back into piles - tank tops, shirts, blouses,

trousers, sweaters.
"what do you want to start with? trousers?"
"yes, i think that is the most pressing need, clothes-wise."
he's still holding the trousers wwx shoved at him earlier, a black cotton blend with a waist that stretches. wwx riffles through the other piles.

"hmm... what about this top, to go with them?"
he half expects lxc to go into the walk-in closet to change there, but he doesn't. it's no more than a few moments of hesitation before he begins to undress, handing his sweater, shirt and jeans over to wwx before pulling the new

clothes on.
wwx tries not to ogle him, he really does, because he's very aware that this is lxc, his brother-in-law, getting changed in his and lwj's bedroom, but... well, lxc is also very handsome, and fit, and as if that wasn't enough, there's also his baby bump,

so much more visible without any clothes to cover it.
wwx really can't help how his gaze is drawn there, once, and then once more, before lxc is dressed again.
"well?" he asks, strangely relieved he doesn't have to clear his throat. "how's that feel?"

"quite odd" lxc says, with half a chuckle, glancing down his body and shaking his head. "they feel... roomy? but also like they could fall down at any time."
"that's a no, then?"
"maybe?"
"you can't wear clothes you're not comfortable wearing, xichen-ge!"

"i don't know if the other ones even fit at all" lxc points out. "and these might fit better later on."
*when i'm larger*, he doesn't say. he doesn't have to. the image plants itself firmly in wwx's head anyway.
"so we can get them later on" he says hurriedly, and picks out

a second pair of trousers. "try these, let's see if they fit better."
lxc takes the trousers with an amused look. as he changes out of the first pair and into the second, much slower than before, wwx is sure he's doing it on purpose.

[break]

it isn't a striptease, that's what's so strange about it. or perhaps the strange thing is how it feels like it should be one. after all, here they are: two people who've had sex more times than wwx can keep track of, who share kisses and sleep side by side,

and who only a few days ago had pretty steamy sex about how sexy wwx thinks lxc is with his baby bump - in a bedroom, with a whole day ahead of them that wwx in a previous life would have gladly spent in bed with his partner, and lxc putting on and taking off clothes

that are designed to show off just how pregnant he is.
but it isn't a striptease. it just tiptoes right next to the edge of becoming one, businesslike one minute and awkward the next, because they both know that the line is there. it wouldn't take much,

crossing it. a glance, a wink, a hand reaching out to touch.
none of it happens. lxc stays on the floor, trying on one garment after another, and wwx stays on the bed and busies himself with keeping track of all the piles - yes, maybe, no, not yet tried on. it doesn't take

his mind entirely off of the fact that lxc is half-naked and right in front of him, but it helps.
until, of course, lxc tries on a shirt.
"you like it?" lxc says, glancing down his torso and arms. the small frown on his face tells wwx that lxc isn't overly happy with it

himself, but...
"it looks good on you. more than good."
the shirt is dark green, with a subtle paisley pattern in barely lighter green and grey hues. not too formal to be casual, but not too wild and crazy to wear to work. it looks like something lxc would wear - that's why they

ordered it, after all.
"really? it's too wide in the chest."
"yeah, but you could have that taken in, couldn't you? if it's wide enough in the shoulders."
"i suppose i could..." he looks down over his body again, then up at wwx, insecurity dancing in his eyes. "really?"

wwx is off the bed before he knows it himself and grabs lxc by the arm.
"really! don't you trust me? have a look yourself, then."
he pulls lxc along into the walk-in closet and makes him stand in front of the full-size mirror there. steps in behind him and gathers the superfluous

fabric in his hands behind lxc's back so that it no longer flows around him, but rather shows off his flat chest, the gentle curve of his little belly.
"look" wwx says, studying at lxc's face in the mirror as lxc studies himself. "you can take in the chest,

and then either leave the rest of the front as it is or take that in as well and let it out bit by bit. obviously, if you don't like it, you don't have to keep it, but it looks really good on you."
with a press of his hands, he guides lxc to turn slightly to the side.

"see? casual but professional at work, dressed up for family dinner at-" in that moment, lxc's eyes meet his in the mirror, and the last word leaves wwx like a sigh: "home."
in that moment, he sees what lxc sees. them, in the mirror, standing closely together and with wwx's

hands on lxc's sides, only inches from the bump that will grow and grow under shirts like this one and become a baby, their baby, and they will have nothing but family dinners from now, because that's what they will be, even more closely-knitted than ever before.
family.

and this is still definitely not a striptease, but somehow wwx just knows from the look in lxc's eyes, the way lxc looks at him in the mirror glass, that they have crossed the line. knows that if he moves his hands to cup lxc's stomach, leans in to place a kiss on his neck,

they will have sex. maybe out there in the bed among the clothes, maybe in here, in front of the mirror.
he doesn't see why they shouldn't.
so he lets go of the fabric and moves his hands so that his arms wrap around lxc, around their baby, and leans in to kiss his neck.

[break]

lxc's breath hitches and he raises his hand back over his shoulder, grabbing at wwx's hair as if to keep him there. wwx moves one hand underneath the shirt to tease one of lxc's nipples and uses the other to unbutton his trousers, and when he moves to palm lxc through his

underwear, lxc moans. it's a throaty, needy sound, and wwx can feel the wetness through the fabric.
"so handsome" wwx whispers, in between a very light bite and a soothing kiss. "always so good-looking, xichen-ge, and so wet and ready."

he drags two fingers lightly over the labia, and lxc shivers, digs his fingers harder into wwx's hair.
"should i fuck you right here?" wwx muses, nosing at lxc's neck and hair, pinching the nipple between his fingers. "in front of the mirror? make you come in your new clothes?"

lxc *whimpers*.
"is that a yes?"
"*yes*."
wwx slips his hand in underneath lxc's boxers and kisses his neck again.
"baba?"
both of them jump at the sound of a-yuan's voice - not right behind them, thank god he's not right behind them -

but coming from downstairs. wwx pulls his hand out of lxc's trousers so fast he almost injures himself, and lxc stumbles out of his arms as though burned.
"baba? bofu?"

"a-yuan!" wwx manages to call back, over his shoulders. "we're upstairs! be with you in a minute!"
he glances over at lxc, whose neck and cheeks are flaming red, and who is trying to get his fingers to button up the trousers again.

[break, sorry for tiny update!]

he's fumbling. it's adorable.
"raincheck?" wwx asks. he sounds out of breath, even to his own ears, and his heart is pounding. it's been years since this last happened to him, and while he hasn't missed it, exactly, the narrow escape provides a heady rush.

lxc looks more embarrassed than excited as he finally manages to close up his trousers, and wwx takes pity on him when he notices that lxc's hands are trembling. he takes them lightly in his own, gives them a quick squeeze.

"hey, it's okay. just a case of kiddus interruptus. i'll go downstairs and you can take a minute, okay?"
lxc gives him an incredulous stare.
"what?"
"...kiddus interruptus" lxc repeats, sounding exactly as affronted on behalf of human language as lwj did the first time wwx spoke

those words in front of him.
wwx's heart throbs, but he smiles, makes his the skin around his eyes crinkle with it.
"exactly! don't worry, it happens all the time. raincheck?"

slowly, lxc nods, and wwx leans up to kiss the tip of his nose before he lets go and leaves to seek out his returned son.

as it turns out, a-yuan's arrival is not as sudden as it first seems. he'd told lxc that he wanted to be there for when they told the rest of the family, and given that lxc had told him they were intending to share the news this sunday dinner, a-yuan had come home for the weekend

to be there. wwx very nearly tells him that he should have let them know he was coming, they would have prepared some extra nice dinner for him, but stops himself just in time. he and lwj always tried to make sure that a-yuan would never feel as though he interrupted them or

wasn't welcome. and somehow it feels even more important now to let him know that this is still his home, that he can drop in whenever and he'll be just as welcome as always.

lxc comes down a few minutes later, wearing his own clothes again, but looking slightly embarrassed still. that expressions changes when a-yuan gives him a hug and asks quietly if he's okay. lxc hugs him back, then, tightly, and wwx can't hear what he says but

he thinks it's probably a choked "yes".
they hang out in the kitchen for a while, sharing a light lunch and talking about a-yuan's studies at university; his professors and assignments, the looming exams, the winter break which Jingyi, apparently, wants to spend at a ski resort.

"and you, radish?" wwx asks, ruffling his son's hair gently as he clears the table. "what do you want to do?"
"i..." the hesitation is so thick wwx can hear it even in that single word. "i think... i'd like to be home. with you."

he sounds so small. so much like the four-year-old with nightmares who would come tottering into the bedroom at night, or the eleven-year-old the night before leaving for his first summer camp, or the nineteen-year-old whose fathers had just told him one of them was dying.

"oh a-yuan..." wwx sinks down on his chair again, helpless in the face of his son's vulnerability. he used to be great at coaxing monsters under the bed into being guardians instead, or devising strategies for how to make friends in new places, but he isn't as good at

tackling death, or the fear of being abandoned.
if that is what this is. it's difficult to tell, these days, what kinds of fear his son is feeling.

"of course you can come home" he says, softly, not even looking to lxc for verification even though he probably should. "we can spend all of winter break together, if you want? or you can do both? or jingyi can come and stay over as well."

"is that okay?"
a-yuan looks as though he doesn't believe. doesn't dare believe it.
"of course it is!"
"but i thought you hadn't decided yet, about the house?"
only now does wwx glance in lxc's direction. it's true; they haven't.

they should, but all the other life-altering decisions have been so much more pressing. the question of the house and lxc's apartment, and where and how they'll live, is one of the few they've been able to put aside for now.

"we have not" lxc says carefully, meeting wwx's gaze for another moment before turning his attention fully to a-yuan. "but i think, regardless of what we decide, it is unlikely that we will make any major changes before winter break."

"and i told you that you'd get a say in it as well" wwx adds, "and i meant it. this is your home too, and you'll always have a home with me, no matter where i live."
"and with me" lxc adds quietly. "regardless of if wuxian and i live together or not."

a-yuan stares at both of them in turn, his worry turned suddenly into something like consternation, or annoyance.
"you're not going to live together?"

wwx and lxc share another glance. their skill at communicating silently with each other is nowhere near what either of them shared with lwj, but it is enough for this.
"...i'll make some tea" lxc says.

[break]

tea turns into a two hours long round table discussion, where they take turns talking and asking each other questions. a-yuan sits curled up in the corner of the couch that has always been his, a soft blanket over his knees that he sometimes bunches in one hand. lxc sits in one

of the armchairs, absent-mindedly cupping his baby bump with one hand, and wwx sits in his own corner of the couch, watching them both with an aching heart.

it is not an easy talk; there are too many raw feelings for that. a-yuan speaks about home, about how many of his memories are etched into the walls of this house. how sometimes his gaze catches

on something small and mundane - a door handle, a flowerpot in a window, a stain on the wallpaper - and it will spark a memory of a song his fathers used to sing to him, or a friend he used to play with when he was six, or of one particular

Friday night when they watched three different Pixar movies in a row and ended up crying their hearts out. he talks about how he doesn't feel ready to let go of that, not just yet.
wwx shares so many of those memories, and has so many more.

every happiness in his life, every sadness he has known these past twenty-odd years, have been tied to this house, because here was where he would celebrate, or grieve, or seek comfort, or just shut it all out for a while. he sees both a-yuan and lwj in every room, in every

piece of furniture. hears lwj's steps from the kitchen sometimes, or coming down the hall.
sometimes he wakes up in the night and he could swear he feels lan zhan's weight in the bed, the warmth of him, but he doesn't mention that.

instead, he says that he doesn't know what he wants, what he needs, only that he does not want to take a-yuan's home away from him, but not force lxc into that same home, either.

a-yuan says that he wants for his sibling-cousin to be allowed to build the same kind of memories in one place as he has. that, although perhaps it is selfish, he wishes that that place might be this house, but that he doesn't want wwx to stay in this house just for him, either.

not if it means that his sibling-cousin won't be allowed live with both their fathers. if that's what's keeping them.
lxc is quiet for a long time, more than is usual even for him. he listens attentively while a-yuan and wwx talks,

studies them with no judgement in his eyes, only patience, but when the time comes for him to speak, his gaze falls to the teacup he is still cradling in one hand, empty though it must be at this point.

"i, too, have been happy here" he says at last, and each word, although quietly spoken, is ladened with meaning. "this house may never have been my home, but it has always been the home of my family."
all the nights spent babysitting,

all the summer holidays of playing in the garden or early autumn evenings watching falling stars from the garage roof. dinners and birthday parties and home renovation projects, long before illness and death took up residence within these walls.

"i have always felt welcome; i've always known there will always be a bed for me here, but..."
he glances up at wwx, a quick look, filled to the brim with guilt.
"to me, this is wangji's home, and i- i can't help but feel as though i'm intruding."

*because you are wangji's*, lxc had said, only days ago. *not mine.*
and of course this house is, too.
"i know that you are not trying to replace him" lxc continues, and now he speaks directly to wwx, as though trying to comfort him.

"i know you've always seen us as two different people, treated us as different people, and i know-"
he stops and his gaze drops once more. he looks as though he thinks he's said too much, when all wwx needs for him is to continue.

"i don't want to make either of you have to give up this house" lxc says instead. "i don't want to lose it, either. but i don't know if it will ever feel like home, to me."
silence settles over the room like a blanket, thick with all the things they've said,

heavy with all the words yet unspoken. "but, bofu..." a-yuan says tentatively. "have you tried?"
he asks, if home is in the memories we attach to our belongings, to the physical space we inhabit, then it is no wonder if lxc doesn't feel at home here.

there is nothing here that is his. none of his art, or his throw blankets, or his music collection.
"if it's not a question about the two of you living together, and baba isn't going to sell the house for a couple of months anyway, then why don't you at least try to make this

your home first? a-die wouldn't mind; he was always happy to share."
"with you, a-yuan" lxc says with a very faint smile. "he never minded sharing anything with *you*."

"xichen-ge." wwx tries not to sound exasperated; he has a brother, too. "you're right that this was lan zhan's home, but a-yuan is also right, because he did share it, with his family. you're his family, too, and we're yours. you can't intrude on something you're part of."

he reaches out, over the armrest and across the divide between couch and armchair, so he can put his hand on lxc's lower arm and squeeze what he hopes is reassurance into him.
"what do you say, xichen-ge? do you want to give it a go?"
[break]

lxc's eyes are brimming with uncertainty as they meet wwx's gaze, a well of doubts and questions that go unuttered. are you sure, have you thought this through, what if doesn't work?
yes, what if? he doesn't know. but he's never been the kind of person who exhausts himself

considering every possible and impossible outcome before trying a thing out; he's someone who throws himself headlong into challenges and adventures alike, and deals with the consequences when they happen, if they even happen at all. what a-yuan said makes sense - they haven't

tried making this house lxc's home, he's only been staying over, like a visitor, a guest. granted, they haven't tried making lxc's apartment wwx's home, either, but, there isn't really a question about that, is there? it's a one-bedroom apartment, and as such, not a long term

solution.
all of this whirrs through wwx's mind as lxc meets his gaze, silent, hesitant, and they only come to a stop when lxc inclines his head a fraction and nods.
"okay" he says, the word so unfamiliar on his lips that wwx almost doesn't recognise it at first.

"okay, let's try."

the rest of the day passes by in something of a blur, or maybe rather as though the moments are padded in something like cotton. they end up on the couch, all three of them, looking through the photo albums lxc and wwx have put together throughout the years -

lxc because it allowed him to pair his creativity with his sense of older-brother-responsibility of putting together and safe-keeping family history; wwx because he knows just how much it can hurt not to have that family history at all. they turn pages and revisit

old school photos; early dates; the first days of a-yuan coming into their lives, curled up against lwj's chest, hugging his bunny-patterned rabbit in sleep. the soft wonder in lan zhan's eyes in that picture, the dawning of a greater love for the child in his arms than

for any other person he'd ever know.
a-yuan's first day of school, vacations, birthday parties. beaches and museum visits, last day of school. lwj, on his last birthday, propped up on this very couch, with wwx and a-yuan on either side of him, lxc standing behind with

one hand on his little brother's shoulder, and all the rest of the family - the surprise birthday party - surrounding them.
wwx cries; lxc and a-yuan, too. they cry and hug each other and turn the pages back and forth as they reach for new memories of the family they used to be,

as they lay the tentative first bricks of what their family will be from now on.
as the day melts into night, they order food, and end up eating it in that same couch, watching Pixar movies, and all of them cry.
it feels like home, then.

[break]

[time for a bump back to the beginning of this monster, I think!

https://twitter.com/Onomato_poetic/status/1490597184995217408?s=20&t=Yqb1h3MaNXX_3agt7PXViA

]

the next day, sunday, is almost as relaxed as the day before was, but in a different way. it's not just wwx and lxc, tentatively tip-toeing their way around something so new it can hardly be called a routine yet; it's the two of them and a-yuan, and it is easier, then,

because they're more used to that, to be a-yuan's baba and bofu, than any of the things they will need to learn to be.
it is a slow morning, with the three of them lingering over brunch talking about a-yuan's studies

and winter break and one of lxc's upcoming projects. they do some cleaning and laundry, and before wwx knows it, it's time to head over to jyl's for family dinner.
the *baby reveal* family dinner.

the nerves hit wwx like a landslide.
he's not ready for this.
live with lxc? yes, he thinks so. have a baby? sure! but tell his family about it? tell his *brother* about it? no. no, no, no, no, *no*.

he is shaking when a-yuan parks the car outside of jyl's house and his skin feels clammy despite the cold bite of autumn air. he doesn't even give jyl a hug before he dives into the groundfloor bathroom, locks the door and begins splashing his face with the coolest water the tap

can provide. he tells himself he's not having a panic attack. he's not. he is simply trying very hard not to have one.
lxc knocks once, asking how he's doing. five minutes later, jyl knocks and informs him that he has one minute to let her in, or she will unlock the door from

the outside and let herself in.
needless to say, he lets her in. she doesn't even put the screwdriver down before wrapping him up in a tight hug. when he tells her he's sorry, she scolds him, her warm voice and firm words calming the storm inside him until he's found enough

purchase to come out into the kitchen with her.
lxc sends him a worried look from where he's seated at the kitchen island, dicing vegetables, and wwx wishes for a moment that he felt like he could just walk over there and drape himself over lxc's back

like he would have lwj's. unashamedly beg comfort and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would receive it.
when jyl begins to usher everyone towards the dining table, lxc comes up to wwx and asks, more quietly than even lwj would have: "would you rather we wait?"

wwx shakes his head firmly.
"no. imagine another week of me like this, waiting."
it'll be fine, he tells himself, and he is reassured when jyl gives his arm a squeeze and a-yuan looks at him across the table and smiles.

sure, jiang cheng gives him a curious look, but weirdly enough, doesn't say anything. maybe age has finally taken the edge of his temper.
dinner is delicious, of course, as every meal jyl has ever made has been, and the anxiety stays at a low simmer as conversation swings

from the children's college and high school drama, jzx's latest work trip, and news about family and neighbours.

"so" jzx says when everyone's plates are mostly empty and the meal is almost at that point where the kids start asking about dessert. "lan xichen, how are you these days?"

he asks with that same polite courtesy, genuine but distant, that he has somehow managed to hold onto through his and jyl's nearly 25 years of marriage. wwx *knows* by now that he is genuinely curious about the answer, but he still sounds like a pompous prick.

"i am well, overall, thank you" lxc says with his customary pleasantness. his calm is betrayed only by how his gaze darts to wwx, checking. whatever he sees, it is apparently enough for him to dare continue:

"however, i do, as a matter of fact, have some news i would like to share with you all."
"we" wwx says. his voice comes out rough, and he must clear his throat before he can continue: "*we* have some news."

wwx is pretty sure that the look lxc shoots him is one of gratitude. it doesn't calm his own nerves at all.
"we?" jc echoes, lowering his chopsticks and looking betweeen them. "'we' as in, the two of you?"
"yes. yanli-jie and a-yuan know this already" lxc continues.

there's a flush creeping up his neck, and wwx is sure, suddenly, that his hands are not merely resting in his lap, but gripping the fabric of his trousers deperately.

he's as nervous as wwx is, and still he manages to sound almost entirely calm when he says: "i am intersex, and i am pregnant. wei wuxian and i are going to have a baby."

[break]

for a moment, the silence around the table is deafening. then all hell breaks lose.
"you *what?*" jc barks, slamming his chopsticks down on the table. "pregnant?"
"i'm- excuse me..." jzx stutters, at the same time as jl echoes his uncle in a loud "WHAT?" and jl's youngest sister,

who sits next to wwx, drops a glass that shatters into a million pieces on the floor.
"is this a joke?" jc continues loudly, over the sound of his niece's first shocked sobs. "this has got to be a fucking joke, right? you're pregnant? how?"

"everyone..." jyl says distractedly, reaching out to stop her daughter from getting off her chair and inevitably step into the sharp glass.
"as i said, i'm intersex" lxc replies, his usual quiet voice almost inaudible in the sudden din of people talking over each other.

jzx apologises again and asks what that means, intersex, he's never heard of it, but his question is drowned out almost completely under jc's voice as he barrels on:

"wei wuxian! what the fuck have you done? you're just going to move on to the next lan brother? what's wrong with you?"
"uncle!" a-yuan protests.
"a-cheng!"
jyl's voice is as cutting as a knife, and the room falls instantly silent again, but it is different now.

no disbelief, only tension, and the sound of wwx's racing heart thundering in his ears. he can't speak, can't breathe, can't think - can barely hear as his sister commands jc to leave the table, and for jzx to fetch the vacuum cleaner, and for the children

closest to the shattered glass to sit tight on their chairs.
*i'm not* he wants to say, *i'm not moving on*, to jc and to jzx and lxc and everyone at the table, his family, the people who have stood by him for so long,

who supported him and grieved with him, and who he needs to still support him, but he's already told lxc a hundred times and jc and jzx are not there and even if they were, his words are held down by the last thing jc said, the words still ringing in his mind.

*what's wrong with you? what's wrong with you?*
"i have to-" he manages to say, unable to even look at his sister or lxc or a-yuan as he makes to rise, to leave, possibly flee.

[CW injury]
"no!" jyl, lxc and a-yuan all say at once - possibly even jl - but it is too late. wwx has already put his socked feet down on the ground, and feels the sharp sting as glass cuts straight into his foot.

the next ten minutes blur together, as wwx curses and blinks away tears he doesn't know whether they are from the physical pain or jc's words, and jzx vacuums the floor within an inch of it's life, and jyl sets the children to clear the table while she fetches the first aid kit.

it takes a full minute for wwx to realise that he and lxc are alone in the room, across from each other at the table, and it feels like an unbridgable divide.
lxc's sitting with his arms crossed in front of himself, and he looks pale. pale, and determined, and slightly nauseous.

"i'm sorry" he whispers, sounding miserable, as though he had any right to, when it's lxc who's had to come out in front of everyone, and when it's wwx's brother who has behaved so rudely, and when wwx is the one who has failed to stand up both for lxc and for himself.

"i'm sorry, i should've-"
lxc shakes his head.
"he should not have said those things" he says. "it is not your fault."
maybe it isn't, but it feels like it is. it feels like he should have known, or at least anticipated, that jc might react like that. that he should have been

ready. maybe not change anything, he doesn't think they should need to, but just... have been more mentally prepared. said something.
it feels like he's let lxc down.
it feels like he's failed.
again.

[CW treatment of injury]

jyl comes back soon after, and it's not long before the shards of glass have been removed, the cuts doused with disinfecting alcohol and padded with bandages. wwx still limps over to the living room couch when she tells him to, but he is rewarded for his

effort when it turns out the dessert has been set there, and lxc and a-yuan sit down on either side of him, their presence a reassuring warmth. one by one, wwx's nephews and nieces trickle into the room, and his sister and jzx. not jc, though, and his absence

in the room takes up more space than he would have.
once everyone has tea in their cups and their bowls filled with fruit salad, courtesy of jyl's youngest son who has inherited her love of cooking, jyl reaches out to give first wwx, then lxc, one reassuring squeeze each.

"there we go, all settled" she says. "now, a-chen, you and a-xian had some wonderful news to share with us?"

[break]

it's easier, like this, sitting on jyl's couch bracketed by lxc and a-yuan and with sweet fruit and hot tea. not *easy*, but easier. some of that hard, tight knot in wwx's stomach is replaced with tingling warmth as lxc repeats the news:

yes, he is pregnant. thirteen or fourteen weeks, they're a little uncertain still. the baby will be born in late april or early may. he'll continue to work, at least for the time being, but mainly from home. he's feeling well, thank you, all things considered.

those are all answers to simple questions, but they give way to more difficult ones.
how can lxc have a baby when he's a man? (thankfully not asked by jzx, but wwx's youngest niece) lxc explains simply that his body works a little differently and that he can get pregnant.

how does a-yuan feel about getting a sibling? a little strange but mostly excited; he hopes he'll be a good big brother, despite having no experience. jl promises to teach him all he knows, to his younger siblings' loud protests for a-yuan not to listen to him.

"so..." jzx says slowly, when they've all but finished their fruit salads and cups of tea, "you two...? are you, ehm, together, now?"
wwx and lxc share a glance, but neither speaks, not at once. are they? they are *in this* together, surely, but... *together*-together?

that's something else.
"yeah" wwx says eventually, and lxc smiles at him instantly, a small but warm, almost grateful, expression that makes wwx take his hand and squeeze it. "we are."
jzx clears his throat again.
"so, ehm, what about lan wangji?"

silence.
absolute, dreadful silence.
"zixuan" jyl whispers.
wwx can feel tears stinging in the corners of his eyes, burning the back of his throat, and lxc's hand tightens around his, holding on so hard.
"what about him?" a-yuan asks harshly, but wwx can hear how thick

his voice is, can see in his eyes that underneath the thin layer of anger, there is only grief, vast and deep. "a-die is dead."
"of course, i-" jzx stutters.
"a-yuan" wwx says, reaching out, but his son is already on his feet and leaving the room. jl follows almost instantly,

with no more than a hard glare to spare for his father before he too is gone.

[break]

jzx looks devastated and confused.
"that wasn't-" he says haltingly, "i didn't mean-"
"what did you mean?" lxc says, and there's an edge to his voice that wwx barely recognises.
"only..." jzx glances at jyl but she offers him no out from the mess he's put himself in, merely

stares at him above the rim of her teacup. "only, i was wondering... is this a... a recent development, then?"
silence again. heavy, dreadful.
when he speaks, lxc's voice is cool, colder even than lwj's could get, and his hand holds wwx's tightly:

"if you are suggesting that we went behind my brother's back as he lay dying, we did not."
wwx flinches as though he has been stung. it's true, of course: nothing ever happened between the two of them until that trip three months ago. but he can't believe that that's what lxc

thought jzx might ask about. jzx might be stuck up and a peacock, but he is n-
jzx is blushing. beetroot-like.
he looks as though he'd like to sink through the floor.
jyl looks as though she'd like to make a hole for him.

"what kind of a question is that?" she demands - although not as harshly as she might have, wwx notices.
"i didn't-!" jzx protests, but caves immediately under her stare. "i'm sorry, lan xichen, wei wuxian, i expressed myself poorly. i didn't mean it quite like that, either."

"...apology accepted" lxc says, less cold now.
"umm, yeah" wwx says, realising he must say *something*, even if he still hasn't quite processed that jzx might have thought, even for a second, that wwx might have cheated on lwj.

"wouldn't it just be easier if you just said what you mean, then?"
jzx bites his lips. it looks odd on him.
"well, um, well, if you are togeth-"
"are you getting married?!" the youngest of the girls asks loudly, eyes bright with wonder and her expression that of someone who just

solved one of the mysteries of the universe.
"oh" wwx says, less brightly, "umm... about that?"
he seeks lxc's eyes. there is no coldness in them at all, only warmth and sadness.
"no" lxc says softly. "i don't think that would be a good idea, at this point."

he raises his gaze from wwx's niece to jzx.
"wuxian and i are having a baby together, we will be raising it and caring for it together. in those respects, we will be as most other couples. as for other aspects of our relationship, i would prefer if you would refrain from

speculating on them in the future."
one, single, trembling moment of silence. then:
"eww, *dad*, were you asking about if they're-"
"NOIWASMOSTDEFINITELYNOT" jzx nearly shrieks, and hurrying to his feet, begins to clear the table. "children, let's take this to the kitchen!"

he flees, and the children know it. they roll their eyes at him but collect the empty plates and cups at jyl's affirmative nod, and as they leave the room, wwx feels lxc relax next to him and sags in sympathetic exhaustion back against the couch.

"wow" he says. "sorry for raining all this chaos on your family dinner, a-jie."
she smiles, a little wryly.
"putting your foot down about being allowed integrity isn't causing chaos" she says mildly. "i'll talk with a-xuan, he'll understand, he simply doesn't express himself

very well." she sighs. "i think all he wants to know is how to behave towards you. both of you, but also you, a-chen."
"he can treat me the same way he always has" lxc says. he sounds tired, suddenly, as though whatever has kept him up throughout the evening has run out at last.

"our relationship has not changed because of this."
"oh, a-chen, of course it has." jyl's voice is fond, almost entreating, but also carries a hint of exasperation. *boys*, that voice seems to say. "of course it'll change. you'll be his brother-in-law too, from now on."

lxc doesn't say anything but simpy glances away. his hand is still in wwx's though, and wwx gives it a little stroke with his thumb before he looks up and realises with a jolt how empty the room is. not just with jzx and the kids leaving, but with jl and a-yuan gone, and- and jc-

jiang cheng left the dinner table and still hasn't come back. he said all those hurtful things and he-
"a-jie?"
"yes, a-xian?"
"where's jiang cheng?"
she smiles, and this time he can hear the "*boys*" before she even speaks.

"i'm going to guess he's still outside in the garden, where i last saw him, turning over the dirt in my vegetable plot. will you go out to him?"
a small part of wwx wants to say no. pout and refuse and say it was jc's fault, jc who was mean, that he should be the one to come seek

wwx out and beg forgiveness. but another part of him, the older and hopefully slightly wiser one, knows that jc is staying away because he realises he was being hurtful. that he's staying away out of consideration, maybe even guilt, and that he won't come back inside until

he's been allowed to.
wwx glances at lxc, whose gaze is still somewhere far away, and who lips are pressed together.
"will you be okay?" wwx asks. "if i go out and see jc for a bit?"
lxc nods, a tiny inclination of the head, and after a moment's waiting, just to make sure, wwx

releases his hand and rises from the couch. as he passes by jyl's chair, she takes his hand and presses it for a moment with her own. it feels like being patted.

outside, the night is bitingly cold. the grass is already freezing, crunching under wwx's boots as he makes his way

across it towards his sister's vegetable garden, limping as he tries not to put too much weight on his foot.
jc is there, just as jyl said, muttering and cursing as he plunges the shovel into the ground, loosens the dirt and turns it over. he's using too much force, is probably

sweating madly despite the cold and despite not wearing even a proper jacket. wwx stands and watches him for a while, unsure whether jc knows he's there or not, whether jc will acknowledge he's there if he does. it's been years since they last fought, wwx realises.

it's weird. they used to always fight, even when they were each other's closest friend, they always fought. but they haven't had a big fight in years. decades, even. after lwj fell ill, it was as though all the fighting ran out of them, or perhaps, they put it to better use.

wwx doesn't remember how to fight with jc anymore, and he doesn't want to. he just hopes he knows how to make up.
"hey, jiang cheng."
the shovel runs through the ground with a sharp, cutting sound, but it doesn't move the earth up. it stays.

"i'm not..."wwx says. "i'm not angry at you. i've been angry at a lot of things and for a long time now, but i'm not angry at you. but what you said in there... it hurt, jiang cheng."

it's cold out here, really cold, but jc doesn't move, just stands there, his profile towards wwx, both hands and one foot on the shovel.
"you said exactly the things i've been dreading that people will say about me when they find out. that they'll think i'd just jump into bed

with anyone, the moment my husband was buried. that lxc was just a replacement, that i'd just go for the next brother, that i didn't care about lan zhan, that i'd m-m-moved on..." he's shaking, he's tearing up.

"but *you* said those things. not some stranger, you. my brother. and it hurt. and i'm not angry, but i- i need you to tell me that you don't really think that. 'cause if you don't, that'll hurt more."
"i don't get it." jc's voice is rough, like maybe he's been crying too.

"what?"
"i don't understand. you loved him. i know you loved him. i thought i was going to have to bury you next, that's how much you loved him. so i don't get how you can start over like that. i'm sorry, but i don't."

they're standing six feet apart on the frozen grass. just out of reach, jc just far enough away that wwx cannot make out his facial expression in the dark.
"i'm not."
the words fall like confession into the ground between them.

"jc, i'm not starting over. i don't know what the hell i'm doing, but it's not that. i'm- there's a piece of me that's missing, you're right. it's with him. it'll always be with him."
like how he'll never be someone's wei ying again. wwx and baba and all the other names, but

never again wei ying.
"but you have pieces of me as well, you know? you and a-jie and a-yuan and everyone... and now there'll be a baby. i'm- i'm trying, is what i'm saying. i'm not starting over, i'm not moving on, i'm. i'm trying to stay. stay and deal with it. and i need you."

the last word comes out of him in a puff, a "youffff" muffled by the fabric of his brother's cardigan as one strong arm catches him in a hug.
"of course i'm on your side" jc cheng mutters, pulling him closer. "stupid."
wwz chuckles, grateful for the warmth of his brother's body,

but even more so, reassured by how solid he feels. real.
"i know. you can just be a real ass sometimes, hitting me where it hurts the most."
"i know." jc's voice is low, so low it can barely be heard within the circles of their bodies. "i'm sorry i said those things. i shouldn't

have."
and that's all it takes. with nothing more than those few words, it hurts less.
"okay. apology accepted. are you going to stay out here, or will you help me find a-yuan?"
"a-yuan? why? is he missing?"
as they turn their backs on the vegetable plot and walks towards the

house, wwx tries to fill his brother in on what happened during the dessert and how jzx stepped in it with both a-yuan and lxc.
"that old peacock!" jc grumbles. "where is he? i'll teach him not to mess with my brother and his-" he pauses, just two steps shy of the door.

"yeah, come to think of it, what will you two be to each other then? from now on, i mean? you can't really call him your brother-in-law if you're fucking him that'd be weird, and you're obviously fucking him, so is he going to be your boyfriend? your husba-"

wwx clamps a hand over jc's mouth, desperate not to have lxc hear him and be upset again. then he yelps, and pulls his hand away.
"ow! what the fuck was that?" wwx says, shaking his hand out. "since when do you bite?"

"since when do *you* get fussy about relationship statuses?" jc counters. "come on, let's go inside. we'll find your son, and your babydaddy."
then he walks past wwx, opens the door and walks inside, as wwx is left sputtering incoherently on the porch.
babydaddy?
*babydaddy?!*

...well.
he swallows.
well, jc has a point, he supposes. lxc and he are having a baby. and now, despite the bumpy ride to get here, his family knows and they're still here, for him. for *them*, because as jyl said, of course it changes things.

warmth spreads throughout wwx's body, and he walks inside the house.

[break]

[I'm putting an end to this thread here, but you can continue reading part 2 from LXC's perspective here:

https://twitter.com/Onomato_poetic/status/1575927021955600384?s=20&t=O2y8Xo4BUZdWPh7sCf1FXw

]

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